this girl i know, well mostly my moms friend, but i know her daughter well anyway this is her little story.

about 5-6 months ago her dad killed himself out of no where. totally unexpected. about a month or so after she came out as a lesbian, and then got the crap beat out of her. she started cutting, and huffing. and a few days ago she killed herself.

now, imagine being her mom. she loses her husband, out of nowhere. she had to watch her daughter slowly kill herself, and now has lost her whole world.

so yeah, your life doesn't suck. so stop saying that, because it's not. stupid.

--brand new--

"so wear me like a locket around your throat, i'll way you down, i'll watch you choke. you look so good in blue, you look so good in blue."

today was good. and i can totally be completely happy with good. especially considering i usually get less than good. i am doing everything in my power to keep any sadness. if i work at it, i can surely get there.

i checked out a fun book today. or i think it is fun. most people would be like "umm....ok?" but i'm like "WHOOPIEEE!!!" (yes, whoopie. shut up). i almost checked out this other book, but, alas i did not. however, the library isnt going anywhere anytime soon. so i can always go and check it out some other time. like tommorow.

anywho, i am feeling kind of left out. im not, not by any means, but i feel that way. anyway, i think i should depart.

leave me a remark? please?

me

yeah, ive been marching 3  years and never in my life have i heard judges tapes so good. holy crap it was amazing. i mean, in every tape we heard "low reeds look awesome" or "the woodwinds sound amazing" or "those mellophones were smokin". and at the end they were like "im so glad i got to hear a band like that. absolutely amazing, best band we've seen all day. great everything. the marching, the music, im really really impressed. sign me up for lessons right now!!!"

makes me smile.

--Brand New--

We won. Not only did we win in our division, but we got the highest score out of EVERY band. we win, they lose.

holla.

thanks to aaron for showing me how to do that.

but yes, anyway, no more band practices. we have one more chance to own, and thats at vmi, the macdaddy of all band competitions.

so, wish us luck.

pretty sure grace spent the better part of lunch trying to say "whatre you doing?" like me, but, theres only one me. she shall fail!

and pretty sure mady and i argued for like 30+ minutes last night about whether or not i was pretty. (i was against, she was for)

AND we got to play with FIRE today in chemistry.

the world has been good today.

also, congrats to nathan and rachael.

sara

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

you know, i pretty much spend most of my time trying to make people i love feel better. i'm not selfless by any means, but when i'm sitting around thinking (which is a lot) i never think about my problems, i think about my friends. when i pray at night, i never ask God to bless me (i've never once done that) i always say "God, please bless my friends." and then i go into each individual friend and i explain why it is they need you, and even if i don't always believe in the power of prayer, i'd like to think that if it does truely work, that i am helping somehow.

i used to write entries solely for the purpose of saying why it was i loved my friends. i stay up really late to listen to someone who just needs someone to listen to them. i mean i always try and listen to whoever it is that needs my ears. thats why i know so much about so many people, because i'd like to think i'm a pretty good listener.

when someone is feeling bad, i offer to give them money, solely because i have nothing else to give them, and it is my desperate attempt to make them feel better. i always try to use my "wit" to make people laugh, even though sometimes it has the opposite effect.

i write notes, i make mix tapes, i make cards, i write emails, i write entries, i give hugs (which is a huge deal considering they make me uncomfortable), i talk, i listen, i care.

and thats why most of the time, when my friends are having problems, its with someone else.

but you know what i learned, just a few moments ago?

it matters not that i love them. it matters not that i care about them, and would die/kill for them. it matters not that i listen, that i care, that i want nothing more than to help them.

because they are always searching for the love, and the caring, and the listening of someone else.

and i'm always the one thats just there.

all the love i try to give out is taken, and discarded.

and that makes me feel about as good as an animal that just got ran over by a dump truck going about 90.

~me.

--bloc party--

i really <3 that song.

but yes, tonight was fun. "the myth of the woods". getting beat up by a he/she. and a ten year old saying blood tasted like cancer.

i was thinking on my way home how in elementary school i thought grace hated me and visa versa. so we never talked in middle school, and did a little bit in 9th grade. and now, i love her  5865968098....that much times a trillion. and last year i never said 3 words to mady, and now she hugs me and wont let go until i hug her back. i hang out with courtney and carlton a LOT more. and i see brittany more than my own family.

ahhh....i LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE these people. i really couldn't ask for better friends.

you know, on....thursday grace gave me this note. and, it kind of reminded me of the friend i wish/hope/want to be. just this amazing person who makes people feel better. i mean honestly, i can say, no one has ever said anything nice like that to me. even if it wasnt some huge monumental thing, it was still the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. but shes just frickin awesome like that.

i had a level 2 meltdown today, but thats alright because it's all better and i didnt get into too much trouble.

best quote of all time (which i still cant get over):
"aida burrito." ~lil med. (mr medford)

stay cool kids,
sara.

i.didnt.get.invited.to.syposium.because.i.suck.at.life.or.just.band.

--yellowcard--

you know, i have this fear. i am afraid i wont get into college. or, i will get accepted and we wont be able to afford it. and i will have to settle. and i dont want to settle, i have big dreams for myself, and i want to accomplish so much, but i am afraid im not going to be good enough.

Let's play a game where I compare myself to my friends and realize how I really do come in second all the time. Ok? Ok.

Carlton: "Best marcher in band", All A's, Rhody loves her, and is constantly telling us how we should be like her, Chamber Choir, etc.

Caitlin: All A's, Great Marcher, Great clarinet player, The perfect child, The "Prettier One", The Funnier One.

Grace: Good at like, everything, The Prettiest One, The Popular One, The Charasmatic One.

Katie: Amazingly pretty, Amazingly popular, Amazing Personality, Amazing in general.

I know it's probably not right, nor healthy, but I'm very resentful to my friends for being so....perfect? I really dislike it. In fact, it makes me feel quite bad. I try not to get mad at them for it, but how can I not?

I just don't understand why I have to be second. I'm always second. It's like it's my purpose in life not to be good enough. Why? I have no idea.

No on puts any faith in me. I'm like the village idiot, they don't trust that I could do a good job. They always assume my answer is wrong, the note I played was wrong, I missed the set.

They always assume someone else could do better.

Maybe I could do the best job. Why can't anyone give me a shot.

And what I hate more is that sometimes, these perfect friends of mine, almost encourage this. They say "no...that's probably not right." Why? I don't know, ask them.

I just wish someone would give me a chance.

I don't want to go my whole life in the shadows, never getting a chance to shine.

Sara

--bloc party--

i really like that song. <3

anyway i wish this video would start working again, it's making me sad.

the first practice writing test is today, boo. and then of course tommorow in apush, i have to do the essay part of his test using "sfi" so i can "put a smile on the face of an ap reader". which is not something i like to do at 8 in the morning.

i'm so tired. band i really getting to me this year. i don't know what it is, maybe it's because the drill is much harder, or that the music is faster. but i am just ready for vmi, and then be done with it. i just need to be able to come home and rest during the week. and study. and do my homework. and i really can't right now. but i know i'm going to miss it when it's gone. and this year was FULL of good times. i know next year we will be saying:

"you remember last year when we went to a publix in alabama in the middle of the night....and sara had a bottle of sparkling grape juice.....and grant said "shes gonna get wasted!"? because that was some good times..."

i <3 my friends.

Yeah, as I'm sure most of you have heard, a bus carrying kids back from a band comp. crashed into a tractor trailer head on. 5 people were killed including the director, his wife, and their 11 year old grandaughter (sp?). Not to be a downer, but that could easily have been us. So pray for them guys, and feel blessed that it didn't happen to those you love.

Sara

hey, i'm back. this is mighty nifty i must admitt. anyway, expect pictures later. (like 4 of them are grace being *emo*) so, it should be fun.

holla.

emo time!

thats mady, being super emo, hardcore

joseph, who was emo on cue.

krista, emo-licious

grace: eyes closed, emo inside.

grace again, looking at emo trees. while being emo.

ok, no more emo. this is leigh rose!

she was sleepy, and giving me the *ima keel you* look

brittany, reading a booook.

its a happy grace. smiling, which i like to see.

my bus buuuuddy. jammin.

carlton!

i love mady! a frickin lot!

courtney, with an amazing oyster cracker!

ok, the end.

ciao.

and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skies
i can't take my eyes off of you
and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time
and so it is
the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial
i can't take my eyes off of you
did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to
leave it all behind?
i can't take my mind off of you
my mind
'til I find somebody new

I am now reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for the second time.


i

"It'll be alright.."

when people make me feel bad for being myself.

i'm changing, i can feel it.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again"

"Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen"




photo from Ed_The_Angry_Jew


the united states of leland = one sad movie.

with one of the sad-but-frickin-adorable endings i have ever seen.


"i love you. what else can i say? but it doesn't matter, because you love someone else. theres no other way i can show it matters."

go watch it, now.


in other news, someone should buy me a teddy bear!

sara