you know, i pretty much spend most of my time trying to make people i love feel better. i'm not selfless by any means, but when i'm sitting around thinking (which is a lot) i never think about my problems, i think about my friends. when i pray at night, i never ask God to bless me (i've never once done that) i always say "God, please bless my friends." and then i go into each individual friend and i explain why it is they need you, and even if i don't always believe in the power of prayer, i'd like to think that if it does truely work, that i am helping somehow.

i used to write entries solely for the purpose of saying why it was i loved my friends. i stay up really late to listen to someone who just needs someone to listen to them. i mean i always try and listen to whoever it is that needs my ears. thats why i know so much about so many people, because i'd like to think i'm a pretty good listener.

when someone is feeling bad, i offer to give them money, solely because i have nothing else to give them, and it is my desperate attempt to make them feel better. i always try to use my "wit" to make people laugh, even though sometimes it has the opposite effect.

i write notes, i make mix tapes, i make cards, i write emails, i write entries, i give hugs (which is a huge deal considering they make me uncomfortable), i talk, i listen, i care.

and thats why most of the time, when my friends are having problems, its with someone else.

but you know what i learned, just a few moments ago?

it matters not that i love them. it matters not that i care about them, and would die/kill for them. it matters not that i listen, that i care, that i want nothing more than to help them.

because they are always searching for the love, and the caring, and the listening of someone else.

and i'm always the one thats just there.

all the love i try to give out is taken, and discarded.

and that makes me feel about as good as an animal that just got ran over by a dump truck going about 90.

~me.