you would do it all over...we all know that.  Whether "it" is good or bad, who knows?  Doesn't look like we'll ever have the chance to know, either.  You're just gonna leave us wondering.  Leave me, in particular.  The mistakes you're making are not clear to you, but are a slap in the face to me.  If you could just give me one more chance to say what I think, it would work.  All you have to do is poke one hole and it will grow larger with time until its fabric eventually rips in two.  But then again, my words have always been words to you.  Never anything more, no matter how hard I try.  Maybe I'll just give up and run away...just like you.

uh....i'm tired.  i have been up all weekend, basically, with no sleep.  :( but, i've had a very interesting weekend.  i went to a lock-in/scavenger hunt and we weren't allowed to sleep.  that was fun.  i made some new friends....i think.  but idk.  then i slept all day saturday...fun, i know.  and THEN i went to the teen center to watch the amazing mimes present...i <3 them.  i went to dairy queen ;) i sang some karaoke.  i laughed a lot.  i played ping pong very badly.  i was cold.  i heard an amazing speaker.  i was very happy.  then i woke up early this morning after staying out late lastnight....and went to church.  i love Jesus.  :) i sang.  i laughed and smiled.  i learned about Gideon (if you ever get the chance, read that story...it's a good'n.) i ate some yummy soup for lunch.  i played my piano.  i took a nap and watched Castaway.  I woke up and went to church again.  I prayed a lot at church.  it was awesome.  i learned that sometimes it's just powerful to sit in God's presence and not do anything but listen.  i sang some more.  i hugged a little kid that i love.  :) i went outside and it was precipitating.  it was disgusting.  ewwww.  i didn't get to go out to eat like i wanted...and now i'm typing this thing and i'm freakin hungry.  so bye.

so...i was on youtube and typed in "hold me close" hoping to find a cool new song to listen to.  well, this dude named richard fleeshman popped up.  i clicked on the first video called "hold me close" and immediately fell in love with it!  so, if you get the chance, look him up. :) he's really good.  (this isn't the whole song, but if you look him up on youtube.com,  you can find it.) ENJOY

the "atmosphere" on here is very heavy...so i'll lighten it. or try to, at least.  I found out today that the appendix does have a use!!!  it is for digesting wood.  :)  lol

what if...we had never met.  an idea that for the past years, i have pushed out of my head.  a thought i never wanted to think about.  but what if.  if i had never met you......so we "fast forward."  i don't know you.  you don't know me.  on a busy street, we're both walking...opposite directions.  we lock eyes...what runs through my head?  what through yours?  would you have fallen in love with me....would i have returned the favor?  who would you be in that life?  would i be different?  knowing who we both are now...what would i have thought of you?  would you be just like you are...or different....or would you even cross my mind a second time.  maybe you would have been just another face on a busy street...just trying to get to wherever your life was taking you.  without me....so then...in that regard...would you then be the one chasing?  or maybe we would both move on.  just a second on a street.  say we meet again.  would you talk to me...not knowing anything?  how would i respond...i wonder.

i can tell you what i would be.  i would be just another person.  i would see you, really see you.  i would be much different, this i know for a fact.  you changed my life, how could i be the same without you?  i would listen, just as i always have.  you would cross my mind...every day, constantly.  your face would have still stood out in my mind from millions.  i wouldn't move on...i would walk on...but not move on.  i would tell you, when we met again, that it wouldn't be the last time.  at least i would hope.  but if you were the same person you are now....would it be?

so i've experienced something this week that has been really wierd for me...painful...but still strange.  it was definitely a learning experience.  you can give trust to people who haven't earned it and don't deserve it, but the same thing will happen every time.  they will take your words and turn them into something they aren't and if you aren't careful, it will turn you into something you aren't.  you'll want revenge.  but i realized that no matter how much said person hurt me or made me angry...i couldn't deliver rightful punishment.  sure, i could ruin their life...but it wouldn't be my responsibility.  of course there's a part of me that thinks they should get what they deserve, but i can't do squat about it...so i let it go.  that's really hard to do...especially for me, being as stubborn and headstrong as i am.  i know none of you know really what's going on...and i don't really plan on telling you because it's partially my fault.  (another thing that's hard for me to admit.)  so...just know i learned something...and i haven't posted a thought in a while so i thought i'd catch ya up!  :) have a wonderful life.

(p.s.....i made mid-state choir.  that's a good thing :] lol)

You'll never know how much pain you cause me.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go.

You cause me more pain that you can imagine.

 

You'll never know how much I love you.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go.

I love you more than you'll ever realize.

 

You'll never understand how it feels.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go.

It feels worse than anything I've ever felt.

 

But most of all you'll never know what I think.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go...

I think that if you would open up your eyes a little more, you would see what has been in front of you for years.  I think if you let yourself, you could understand.  You would know all these things.  You would know how I feel, you would know how it hurts, and most of all, you would know how much I love you.  Maybe you do.  If you would only let yourself, you could feel it too.  But I can't try anymore.  I have nothing left to give to you.  I want you to know that you changed my life...and you still are.  I can't stand to be without you.  I need you to hear me.

i haven't ever realized until the past 2 weeks what regret really feels like.  Not regretting doing something, but not doing it.  Not saying what you really mean, while you have the time.  Because before you know it, time is taken away.  Not taking chances while you have the chance...not really feeling while you have the opportunity.  Not loving while love is staring you in the face.  Then it gets taken away, snatched rather, and you have no more time.  You'll never get the chance again.  Never get the chance to tell someone how much they mean to you or what an impact they've made in your life.  How much you loved them, or how you never wanted to let them go.  You never say anything.  They tell you time and again how much you mean to them, that they never want to let you go, and you remain silent.  Knowing in your heart you want to say the same, because you feel the same, but you're afraid of being hurt.  You don't have fun because you figure you have all the time in the world to ride that one rollercoaster...to watch that one show...to have that one kiss.  But the truth is, you don't know.  You hope.  Another chance will never be given, so you must take it.  Say what you want while you still have the time.  Even though they are not dead, they are gone.  Go back...find them, tell them what you really feel for them.  Hurry, before it's too late.  Make them listen, understand....

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T.  Why...how?  Those are my only questions now.  I love you.  I want you to know that.  But you never will.

so i have done something that i regret, but i wouldn't trade for anything.  i'm embarassed and confused...it still doesn't seem like it really happened.  i feel like i'm walking around in a dream, like right after i say something, it disappears.  why didn't i just stay there, in that moment, instead of pulling away?  maybe it wouldn't be so awkward like it is now....!.  why, if i saw it coming the whole time, did i not stop it???  and why if i really didn't want it, would i never trade it???  i feel almost...guilty?  like i did something bad.  but i didn't.  i did nothing wrong.  i feel so strange....and stupid...and more than anything, embarassed beyond words.  i can't even tell you how much of a loser i feel like right now.  i've got to tell someone.

so, this is for you....you know exactly who you are!  the flowers might be pretty, and they may smell wonderful, but that electric fence could kill brain cells!!!  :) :P  but seriously, you could grow your own flowers.  <3  remember.  and here's a song for you!

as many of you know, i hate being wrong. so, i did some research on the subject of 'one particular person that God has for you'.  I was, indeed, wrong in part.  No where in God's Word does it say that God has a particular person for you.  Yes, there are many people you could choose, but God has a plan for everyone one of our lives and i believe that we can choose to follow it or not.  if we pray for God to give us the desire to do His will, he will.  I believe also that that concept applies to marriage and dating.  You should pray and ask God if this person is in His plan for you. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

This is the verse that makes me think that there is someone in God's plan specifically made for you.  Just like God specifically made Eve for Adam, I think that God might have made a special person for most of us.  I think that we should pray that if He has a specific person in mind for your life, they will love you as much as God does. 

And another thing I want to say is that another person, no matter who they are cannot complete you.  If you are whole in Christ, you will not need anyone else to fill a void in your heart.  If you are not, you pour yourself unnecessarily into someone else, and you become needy and still incomplete.  So don't put your whole life into someone else just yet.  First you should be complete in Christ and know that he makes you whole, not someone else. 

Matthew 6:21

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

So i think that if you believe in your heart that God has a person designed for you and you seek after Him fervently, he will give you what you desire-a special person made specifically for you.

Psalm 37:3-4

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

wonderful movie (wedding crashers), wonderful quote:

"True love is your soul's recognition of it's counterpoint in another."

i just went shopping for my dress for the fairest of the fair pageant....and i found the PERFECT DRESS!!!!!   i didn't have my camera, so i didn't get a pic.  but take my word for it, it's beautiful!!!!!  everyone has to come see me in the pageant.  that's an order.

right now i am beyond pissed.  i do NOT want to go back to school, because now i have nothing to look forward.  i didn't make concert choir.  i don't understand how either.  i won't go into my little rant, because some of you might take it as conceit.  but i promise, it's not.  i just worked my butt off last year to ensure that i had a spot in choir.  everyone said that there was no way i couldn't make it.  they said i had to.  well, i guess everyone's wrong sometimes.  it makes me feel good that there were no freshmen that made it, though.  of course, i wanted all of us to make it, but there were only five spots.  it just makes me mad that i did everything i possibly could.  now, i have to sing with a bunch of girls that don't really care about singing.  choir isn't just a class i take to get an easy A.  it is my life and it means more to me than a lot of things.  my mom is probably as upset if not more than i am.  it doesn't seem like it really happened.

to tyler and austin:

this is a bit late, i know, but i wanted to inform the two of you that my dog, sadie, had to be put down a few weeks ago. 

:( please don't cry.

so the craziest thing happened to me about an hour ago.  i took a shower.  (that's not the crazy part, no comments. please  lol) i got out and my hair was TWIRLY CURLY!!!  it was so weird.  the front has always been wavy, but not like this.  i wonder if it will stay.  it's already drying, but i wonder.  the front is cool-looking.  :)  so there ya go.

so...i have pulled a successful allnighter!!  and when i say ALL nighter...i mean it!  i have dyed a streak of my hair pink and blue.  it rocks and you're t totally jealous.  :)  so i'm gonna go chill with shawna and cede some more.  k thanx bai

.  WHO WERE YOU NAMED AFTER?

 ???  no one

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

  it's been a while since i cried over a person.  i cried at youth camp last week.   

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING

 yes i LOVE it

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

  roast beef

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

 t-totally.  no duh

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

no  and i'm being honest which is sad.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?

 NEVER!!!!  lol 

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS

 yeah and i'm not sure what they are for.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

   yeah

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

  rice krispies

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

no.  i don't like to  sometimes i have to

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

yes....wait, in which ways?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

  mint chocolate chip...or something with a lot of chocolate 

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

guys: eyes, smile, and hands

girls: amount of makeup they wear

15. RED OR PINK?

 red.  pink is disgusting

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?

why so negative??

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST

my grandmother 

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?

i really don't give a rip :)

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

pj pants with winnie the pooh all over them...and i'm barefoot, like it should be all the time. 

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE

a grape with some fruit dip on it.  yummm

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

  silence 

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

  sparkly orange

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

 candles....coffee

  24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

  mi madre

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

yeah  . 

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

hockey, soccer, baseball.  i like watching football, but i don't understand it.  lol

27. HAIR COLOR?

 blonde with some red and dark brown.  lol

28. EYE COLOR?

 blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

ya

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

  this pasta that tamara made me.  it was SO good....mmm

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

 it depends 

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

  the bucket list 

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

 black

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

 winter

35. HUGS OR KISSES?

eww....lol idc

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

chocolate!!!!

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

  idc

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND

 once again, i don't care 

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

watership down, eclipse (for the third time), the bible, anne of green gables (for the second time) :) 

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

a mouse.  duh!

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?

 nothing i don't like tv.  it's for losers.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?

 the sound of the angels singing when that one person smiles.  lol j/k my mother's singing

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

aaaah....both.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

 Hawaii

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

the arts 

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

 in a hospital

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?

your mothers.

we drive a white conversion, we learn about the persians, our 6-year-old's a surgeon, a homeschool family!...we learn about creation, and classic education, we're sponsoring a haitian, a homeschool family!  lol  *snap snap*

Talent is God-given; be humble.

Fame is man-given; be thankful.

Pride is self-given; be careful.

Level 1:
[ ]I had an asthma attack
[ ]Smoked A Cigarette
[ ]Smoked A Cigar
[ ]Smoked Weed
[ ] Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
[ ]Drank Alcohol
[X]Been In Love
[ ]Been Dumped
[ ]Been Fired
[ ]Been In A Fist Fight
[ ]Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
Total: 1Level 2:
[X]Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
[ ]Been Arrested/Seen Someone You Know Get Arrested
[ ]Made Out With A Stranger
[ ]Gone Out On A Blind Date
[x]Had A Crush On An Older Person
[ ]Skipped School
[ ]Slept With A Co-worker
[ ]Seen Someone/Something Die
Total: 3Level 3:
[x] Been On A Plane
[ ] Thrown Up From Drinking
[X] Eaten Sushi
[ ] Been Snowboarding
[ ] Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
[ ] Been Mosh Pitting
[x] Taken Pain Killers
[X] Love(d) Someone Who You Can't Have
[ ] Been in a BAD relationship
Total: 7Level 4:
[x]Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
[x]Made A Snow Angel
[ ]Had A Tea Party
[ ]Flown A Kite
[ ]Built A Sand Castle
[x]Gone Puddle Jumping
[x]Played Dress Up
[x]Made A Pile Of Leaves
[x]Gone Sledding
[x]Jumped Into A pile of leaves
[x]Cheated While Playing A Game
total:  15Level 5:
[x]Been Lonely
[ ]Fallen Asleep At Work/School
[ ]Used A Fake/Someone Else's ID
[x]Watched The Sun Set/sun rise
[X]Felt An Earthquake
[ ]Kissed A Snake
[x]Been Tickled
[ ]Been Robbed/Vandalized
[ ]Robbed Someone
[x]Been Misunderstood
total: 20Level 6:
[ ]Pet A Deer
[ ]Won A Contest
[ ]Been Suspended
[ ]Had Detention
[ ]Been In A Car/Motorcycle Accident
[ ]Had/Have Braces
[X]Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
[X]Had deja vu
[X]Danced in the moonlight
[x]Hate(d) The Way You Look
total: 24 Level 7:
[x]Witnessed A Crime
[x]Questioned Your Heart
[X]Been obsessed with post-it-notes
[x]Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
[x]Been Lost
[ ]Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
[x]Swam In The Ocean
[ ]Felt Like You Were Dying
[x]Cried Yourself To Sleep
total: 31 

Level 8:
[X]Played Cops And Robbers
[x]Recently Colored With Crayons/Colored Pencils/Markers
[x]Sang Karaoke
[x]Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
[x]Made Prank Phone Calls
[ ]Laughed until some kind of beverage came out your nose
[ ]Kissed In The Rain
[x]Written A Letter To Santa Claus
[X]Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe total: 38Level 9: [ ]Watched the sunset w/ someone you care/cared about
[X]Blown Bubbles
[ ]Made A Bonfire On The Beach
[ ]Crashed A Party
[ ]Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
[x]Gone Rollerskating/Blading
[x]Had A Wish Come True
[ ]Been Humped By A Monkey
[X]Worn Pearls
[ ]Jumped Off A Bridge
total: 42Level 10:
[ ]Screamed 'Penis'
[ ]Swam With Dolphins
[x]Got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer/ice cube/Popsicle
[ ]Kissed A Fish
[x]Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
[ ]Sat On A Roof Top
[x]Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
[x]Done/ATTEMPTED A One-Handed Cartwheel
[ ]talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
[x]stayed Up All Night
total: 47Level 11:
[X]Picked & Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
[ ]Climbed A Tree
[X]Had/Been In A Tree House
[x]Have been/Are scared To Watch Scary Movies alone
[ ]Seen a Ghost
[x]Have/Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes or Flip Flops
[ ]gone streaking
[ ]Been to/Visited Someone At Jail
[x]Played Chicken
[ ]Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
total: 52
Level 12: [x]Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
[ ]Broken A Bone
[x]Are/Been Easily Amused (very)
[x]Caught A Fish
[x]Caught A Butterfly
[x]Laughed So Hard You Cried
[x]Cried So Hard You Laughed
[ ]Mooned/Flashed Someone
[x]had someone Moon/Flash You
total: 59
Level 13: [x]Cheated On A Test
[x]Forgotten Someone's Name
[ ]Slept Naked
[x]French braided someones hair
[ ]Gone Skinny dipping In A pool
[ ]Been Kicked Out Of Your House.
[x]Rode A Roller Coaster
[x]Had A Cavity
total: 64Level 14: [X]Been Used (horrible feeling)
[x]Fell Going Up The Stairs
[ ]Licked A Cat
[x]Bitten Someone
[x]Licked Someone
[X]Been shot at with a paint ball/bee bee gun(OW!)
[ ]Had sex in a field/garden
[ ]Flattened someones tires
[ ]Drove in a car until it ran out of gas
[x]Had five dollars or less and bought something.
total: 70

Final Total: 70 out of 140 (haha i got exactly half.) 

have you ever heard someone tell you something like: "if you love something, let it go.  if it comes back then you know it's true"????  well...no matter how badly i don't want to do that, i think i have to.  also, do not get upset because i'm not telling you every little detail.  i just hope it does come back.  at least for a while...

==========================

let me state that i do realize i must work for what i want.  i am willing to.  but there are some things in this life that no matter what you do as a person, you can not change them.  you can not keep living a fairy tale thinking that you can fix every problem.  you can't.  sometimes you have to sit back and let "nature take its course."  you can't change the way others feel.  you can't change what others do.  you can't keep pressing an issue that is not getting any better with your "help".  if you back off, they wonder what's going on.  if you press harder, they wonder why you won't drop it and let it go.  so i'm letting it go.

 

no, i'm not talking to or about anyone, fyi.
Two names you go by:
   1.Poochea     2.flintTwo things you are wearing right now:
    1.blue and white dress    2.my favorite necklacethings you want very badly at the moment:
 1.wisdom in certain areas   2.a certain wish to come trueTwo people who will fill this out:
   1.Grace maybe           2. Megan
Two things you did last night:
   1. wrote a paper   2.went to krogerTwo things you ate Yesterday:   1. really good pie   2. spaghetti
Two people you last talked to:  1Ross     2Dad  Two things you're doing today:
  1. going to graduation  2. taking a shower
Two longest car rides:
   1. Michigan   2.CanadaTwo favorite beverages:
   1.Water    2. tie between sweet tea and root beer.

i won't even bother asking how anyone is...because no one ever answers.  But i'll just tell you i've been FANTABULOUS.  to the max.  t-totally...rockin.  yeah.  i'll just say that i need a lot of prayers.  there's someone i really miss...and there is a lot going on with my family right now.  i am scared, and i don't know if i can handle it.  so please, keep me in your prayers, and if you aren't a praying person, keep me in your...not-prayers.

Am I the stubborn one?  I think not.  You only believe what you believe because you've told yourself that so many times, now you are convinced.  I am not.  Am I the wrong one?  I think not.