oh my flippin gosh

i told him.  he is happy.  i is happy.  we is happy.  we is not dating.  dang.  carmen likes austin.  yup yup yup.  austin likes carmen.  probably probably probably.  this is what i hear, anyways.  you know, for me to be so flippin excited, you could never tell by my creative use of punctuation

okay, i dont know what to do.  i really like him, but i dont know.  I want him to know, but then again, i dont.  i haven't told him yet.  NEW PERSONAL RECORD!  lol.  i've heard a lot of stuff...but i don't want to like really think he likes me and then get my "heart broken" because it was just my friends trying to make me feel better.  He acts like it, but i can't figure out if i'm leading myself on or not.  that's like really the reason i want him to know.  he's cool, but i dont want to freak him out.  i am so stuck.  this is crazy but i dont know what to do.  i know this won't last forever...but whatever.

my day was kinda stinky.  we were doing something in literature where you had to circle a problem you thought was big in our school.  i circled rejection.  i put my signature smiley face with it.  (keep in mind it's just a smiley face on an eraser board.)  someone said something about it...and the teacher was like, "Who did that?"  well, i raised my hand..."honesty pays off"...sure.  so, she says, "FOLLOW THE RULES!"  i thought that was so stupid...i was just messing around...that's not something to get mad about.  it was so embarrassing because all my friends and stuff are in that class...i was mad.  then, in mr. cochran's class, he got mad at me for answering someone's question.  AUSTIN said,"You had a bad day...that's okay it will be better tomorrow..."  so sweet!  then he patted me on the back...he does that quite frequently.  (i'm telling you megan!  just watch him!)  Then, i heard that the literature teacher wrote me up...but she didn't, thankfully.  And I forgot...we are reading this stupid book (if you could even call it such) in English...(homeroom) and it's so stupid.  it's gruesome and it makes me like uncomfortable and i don't see the point in it.  i could read a chapter in my social studies book and get the same thing.  The teacher said that she was going to stop reading because it was almost time to leave...the class said, "NO!"  I said, "It's okay, you can stop!"  She kinda got mad...then she read my journal because i told her that i wrote about what i really thought in the journal...she probably hates me now.  but when i have an opinion on something, it's going to be spoken, heard, and listened to.  I'm a pretty strong-willed person when it comes to some things.  I had a bad day, but not so bad...tehe.  I'm just lucky to have Jesus on my side.  I'm also lucky to have as many friends as I do...especially THAT ONE!!! lol.  Well, I hope you had a good day.  I just thought I would let it all go.  i'm physically and mentally exhausted.

I'm a sucker for...

1. guitar players 2. Tenors 3. Smart guys 4. Animal lovers 5. Blondes 6. Blue-eyed hunks...lol 7. A GOD-SERVING GUY 8. Tall guys (but not too tall!) and last, but not least...SANTA!!!!

remember, i heart guys that heart music...lol

hi people.  i'm enjoying life, you could say.  i don't think i'm going to post any more of my story, but i might.  if i'm going to get it published, i don't want everyone to read it first!  Then, when (if) they get the book, it spoils the surprise...but i probably will post a little more.  when i write more, that is!  Anyways,

carmen likes someone!  duh.  i also just got some new songs for my iPod!  i need ideas, though.  I can't decide (or think of) which songs to put on there.  I hate science fair experiments.  i REALLY don't like them at all.  for like the first time in my life, i'm looking forward to school tomorrow.  woo school.  sometimes i don't understand...i wish i did.  i'm really confused right now.  I like Leeland.  They're purty dang cool.  Oh, durn.  I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow...nevermind.  We are staying in algebra all stinkin' day to prep for Gateway.  Why do they test us so much?  I HATE IT.  But, i get to spend all day with my friends...cool!  i'm quite bored.  bored out of the mind i don't have.

i went to a baseball game on wednesday with neely...it was fun!  i didn't know austin was the pitcher.  i think it's funny to watch people pitch.  okay...hi...tata

t.t.y.l.a.y.w.p.t.i.l.a.a.b.

n.r.c.i.d.e.k.s.o.y.b.a.b.i.g.w.n.r.

b.i.n.l.j.n.w.a.

PLEASE REMARK!!  I love constructive criticism!

-Chapter 2 (cont.)-

I was walking from school to my house, alone and depressed.  I walked up to my front porch, and lo and behold there sat the jerk I call Benson.  "Hey, Rayne!" he said.  "Oh, hey Benson!" I said, sarcastically.  "Now you notice me.  If you don't mind my asking, why the heck are you sitting on my front porch?"  "Well, I was waiting for you."  Oh, brother!  He's such a faker...why does he even care about me anyways?  "I don't understand, Benson.  Just today at school you acted like you had no clue who I was!"  He frowned.  "Yeah, I'm sorry about that.  If you want me to leave, I will.  That was wrong of me."  Aww!!!  How sweet!  (How could I resist such flattery?)  "No, that's okay!  Just let me go put my stuff up...I want to talk to you."  I walked inside, threw my stuff down, and ran back out.  He smiled when he saw me, and my heart skiped a beat when I saw him.  I was going crazy over this boy, and I had to figure him out.

-Chapter 3-

"Benson, what's up with you?  I mean, how can I be sure that tomorrow at school you won't act like you've never seen me before?  Because the Benson I saw today at school was not the same one that I talked to for 2 hours yesterday afternoon.  Not the one who made me feel...um...happy!  Yeah, that's the word...happy."  He looked at me...his eyes were soft and it was one of those, 'there's no need for words' moments.  "Rayne, I have something to tell you.  First of all, I'm sorry...and second, I...nevermind."  If you hadn't caught on yet, yes, I very much liked Benson.  "You what?" I asked; hoping it was what I wanted to hear.  "Well, nevermind, Rayne.  You probably won't care.  You're way too pretty and smart to care about someone like me...I've gotta go." Oh, no.  Stab in the heart.  "No, Benson, wait!!" I yelled, hoping to get a positive response.  But he didn't stop.  I remember knowing that I should follow him and tell him how I really felt, but I didn't go.  I had to make a point to do that...sometime in the near future, before he slipped between the cracks and I lost him.  I really didn't want that.  So, there I was, alone yet again...and mad.  Mad at myself for not going after him.  There really was something different about Benson.  Something good different.  Wow, I think I've fallen for him so hard that I've broken something and I can't get up!

-    *    *    *    -

As soon as I got back home, I prayed...hard.  I prayed for Benson, and whatever was going on with him.  I prayed for Milly, that she would forgive me, I was so stupid.  I prayed for my parents, I know it's a pain having to put up with me.  And, last but not least, I prayed for help.  I needed God's help!  I felt as though I was stuck in some sort of trap and the only way to get out was through Him.  All of the sudden, the phone rang.  It was Milly.  "Listen, Ray, I'm so sorry.  I'm not better than you, you are great just the way you are, and I don't know everything.  Do you want to come over so we can talk about it?"  She sounded so sincere!  (Thanks, God.)  "Milly, are you sure you want me to do that?  Do you think we can?" I really didn't want to hurt her feelings.  "Rayne, you're my best friend and I want to talk to you!"  "Okay, Mills, I'll be right over."  I grabbed my stuff and began my long, treacherous journey to the other side of the neighborhood.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!! lol

-Chapter 2-

"Do you play any sports?"  I said as I walked alongside my newly-found companion.  (Yeah, I know, I'm not exactly romantic!)  "Well, I like basketball and baseball, but I just transferred so I don't have a school team."  "Oh, cool...I guess.  What school are you going to now?"  "Stanley middle.  I start tomorrow."  When he said that, my heart jumped.  I didn't understand it.  "Oh, my gosh!  That's, like, my school!"  What was wrong with me?  'Oh, my gosh that's like my school'?  What was I thinking?  I don't talk like that!  He started skipping and waving his hands around saying,"That's, like, totally awesome, girl!"  (Great, now he was mocking me.)  We walked past my house a few times, talking about random things: sports, school, music, art, and then something totally unexpected-love.  "Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked me, very unexpectedly.  That was like a stab in the heart, after what had happened a mere few minutes ago with Milly.  I cringed.  "No," I said,"I guess I'm just not the 'girlfriend type'."  He looked puzzled.  "Sure you are!  Maybe just not for the guy you've got your eye set on.  You never know, someone could come along...when you least expect it."  He glanced at his watch and said,"Sorry, I have to go!  See you at school tomorrow, uh...um, I didn't catch your name."  "My name's Rayne!  And your's?"  "Name's Benson!" he yelled.  By this time, he was already half a football field away from me.  "Wow," I thought,"He's awesome."

-    *    *    *    -

The next day at school, I had butterflies...was it because of him?  I kept looking around, but I didn't see him.  Then, on my way to lunch, there he was.  He looked even more gorgeous than beore!  I waved at him, but he just looked at me like he didn't know who the heck I was or why I was waving at him.  So, I went over there.  "Hey, Benson!  What's up?"  Just then, Josh came over there.  He brought along his stupid girlfriend, who was instantly 'attracted' to Benson.  A cold stab of jealousy jabbed me in the side.  I just walked off, trying to avoid any conflicts.  I looked back and they hadn't even noticed I'd left!  All I could hear was some loud laughter and what sounded like my name followed by a distorted sounding,"Hey, Benson!  What's up?".  I thought I had found someone who liked me for who I was.  But, things aren't always what they seem.  He was just one of those stupid popular robots.  Sometimes I wish that just for once, someone would like me...just once.

-    *    *    *    -

to be continued...i have more but i've run out of time!

hey, i told you guys i LOVE to write, correct?  (i just said that so i didn't have to say "write, right?"...lol)  well, here's an "I'm bored so i wrote this" one!

-Preface-

Do I really stare at him that much?  I sometimes catch myself doing it...but not that often!  He says I always stare at him, but who wouldn't?  He's gorgeous!  Why do I stare at him?  It doesn't matter.  He would never like me anyways.  No matter how nice he might be, I don't think he could forsake his popularity...for me.  He's so perfect, it almost makes me jealous, but then I wonder WHY I don't like him instead!  I mean, they are the same in a way...but that's not important.  Right now, I'm not sure if I like him or not...I almost hope I do.  But every time I like someone, I end up almost leading myself on--making myself believe they like me.  I say I love them, but do I?  Can I?  I'm scaring myself...will anyone ever believe it if it's true?  Will I even?  I THINK I'M IN LIKE.

-Chapter 1-

I'm extreme sometimes.  I get very worked up, and on a rare occasion, Milly has to calm me down.  "Don't worry about him, he's a jerk!  Don't you know that you are just wasting your time?"  There she was again, Milly was always trying to comfort me.  "Yeah, I know, Mills, but he's different!  I just know it!"  This guy we were fighting about, Josh, he was SO perfect!  I'd been crushing (HARD) on him for 3 months now, and there I was, yelling at Milly about another guy who didn't know I existed.  "Milly, why can't I find love just one time...just like everyone else?"  "Well," Milly said,"If Josh...isn't the one for you, God's got someone WAY better in His plan."  "Well, I know, Milly...but I'm beginning to think that no one will ever...like me."  "Ray, if I hear that from you one more time, I swear!"  We fought like this a lot, but this time was different.  Mills had a boyfriend.  Usually, we would sulk together, laughing at how silly that was.  But not now.  Now, it was like I was alone.  My best friend couldn't even relate to me!  "You don't understand, Mills, how can you?  You have a boyfriend and I don't!  You have everything."  "Ray, boys are not the important thing in life!  And just because I have a boyfriend and you don't doesn't mean you have the right to come to me and whine about it!"  Whoa, stop right there!  How could Milly say something like that to me?  She had been my best friend since we were both in kindergarten.  "Milly, you think you are so much better than me, but you're not!"  With tears in my eyes, I grabbed my back pack off her bed, jumped up, and slammed the door behind me, leaving Mills...I mean, Milly in complete and utter shock.  On my way out, her mom tried to stop me, but I didn't listen.  I was so hurt...Mills knew I was sensitive, especially about THAT situation, and she still said it!  I couldn't believe her!  By this time, I was walking down the sidewalk toward my house.  But in my anger, I tripped and ended up falling right at the feet of this gorgeous hunksicle!!!  He looked down at me and said "hi" with the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.  In my embarrassment, I was able to mutter a shaky "hello".  He looked back at me, shook his hair, and said with a smirk,"You know, I'm not used to girls bowing down at my feet, but if you want to, I'm fine with it."  He helped me up and we started walking into the sunset, holding hands and talking about our future!  Okay, so maybe it didn't happen EXACTLY like that.

        do ya like it?           

i guess...i mean, i know who my real friends are.

you find out who your real friends are when you are the one being a pain, and they stick by you.  they help you through the darkest storms, pray for you, and are always there when you need them.  but, sometimes, you have to let go.  sometimes, you NEED to move on.  and occasionally, you'll find someone better.  there are only a few of these people in your life.

this has really been hitting me in the face...pretty hard lately.  like, i find out who God really is...when i let go of my burdens.  even when i'm not being very Christ-like, He won't ever leave me nor forsake me.  I've found that when i just let go, i am so much more joyful.  i can see life's true beauty and really understand what i need to work on in life.  This isn't, like, super deep or book-worthy...but it's what i felt like i needed to share with people.  God's there even when people aren't.  In life, I won't be reliable, but God always will be.

So, my day was interesting.  my ankle hurts....ow.  If you didn't know this about me, I peel my bananas upside-down.  I did that at lunch today and my friends call me wierd.  I AM NOT WEIRD.  (but i can't spell wierd.)  I like the band Everlife.  I also like TCAP week.  But, I hate TCAP.  (A.K.A. TCRAP)  I also wish COREY would check and reply to his stinkin' messages every now and then!!!  (hint hint)  Mime was fun lastnight.  WOO!  So, tell me about your day unless you just don't want to.  WOW...bored!  I want some ice cream real bad...

_`*`Freeze-dried Romance`*`_

sadly, 'tis true.

RESULTS: (i just took this test!  lol)

Do you have Bipolar disorder?(Different types, and some other type of Disorders)
Bipolar I. Considered the classic form of the illness, bipolar I causes recurrent episodes of mania and depression. The depression may last for a short time or for months. You may then go back to feeling normal for a time, or you may go right into a manic episode. Maniac which by the way pertains toObnoxious,provacative, or intrusive behavior,racing thoughts, or restlessness. Like one month you could be feeling a little depressed then the next, normal, then mania occurs...but this is type is healthier than some.

Okay, time to tell you about some more stuff about me.

Well, ever since I was little, I've wanted to sing.  It's my dream, my passion, and my talent (or so i'm told).  But, if this doesn't work, my plan is to be a literature teacher.  I love to write and I also have a passion for teaching others and a passion for literature.  I really don't like algebra...I'm in it right now...SOOO looking forward to Gateway, not!  But, I'm not that bad at it.  I have a brother...I think he's human.  I love to dance...it's one way to get my confused bipolar feelings out.  My favorite sport is by FAR volleyball!  (But, sadly for others, I have NO athletic ability WHATSOEVER!!!).  I play the piano, my forte, and have been playing for 6 years.  I plan to double-major in Literature and Music and minor in Art or Musical Theatre.  Which, by the way, brings me to another interest of mine, art.  I will try to get some of my pictures I've drawn/painted on here.  Tamara has one of my paintings!!  : P.  My favorite medium...is...I don't know.  I like it all...except watercolors.  HATE THEM.  I make jewelery.  As you can see, I am quite busy.  No wonder I'm crazy.  WE GET TO TAKE TCAP ON MONDAY!!!  (Teacher's Child Abuse Program)  If you have any questions for me, feel free to message me.  (Gosh, I sound like a nerdy brainiac...don't say anything about that...you know who I am talking to!!!)  I am, contrary to popular belief...haha, a blonde!!!  I am ditzy a lot...but I occasionally say smart things.  People underestimate me quite a bit and, golly gee, I hate it.  My hero is my Sunrise.  (You might just know who I am talking about...)  But, see, he didn't change the world...but he changed mine.  He inspires me to do better in everything, and everything I can't do well, he can.  But more than anything, he gives me strength, the chills sometimes, and the constant freedom to be myself and not be judged by him.  And against all odds, I can fight the battle...of middle school or whathaveyou.  I love GOLF!!!  It's so much fun!  My favorite golfer...I'll have to go cliche' and say...Tiger Woods.  I was watching the Masters on Easter...and he didn't win.  OH WELL!!!  I like to photograph random things...and un-random things, as well!  I could go on about my cluttered mind, though it's empty!  lol.  I never realized how much there is to know about me.  I'm a complex person!  Well, I hope your day is so AWESOME that you  just HAVE to write about it.  And if your day isn't awesome, I hope you have the Faith to know that tomorrow will be better.

Wow...this is special!  "Really, are you sure there's really a wet road when it's raining??"  NO!!  (this is a fine example of rocket science, huh?)

-`*`-freeze-dried romance-`*`-

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

What do you do when someone tells someone something that's not true about you...and they believe it?  What happens then...what if it's someone who is REALLY important to you...and now they think you are evil...(for lack of a better word)...NEED HELP!!!

well, quite a few of you know some about me...but if you don't i'll tell you something(s)...

About me:

I absolutely love Jesus

I absolutely love music

I absolutely love the arts (dance, drama, music, writing, art)

I have a passion for literature

I love horses

My fave color is orange

My fave food is pineapples and cheese

I have played piano since i was 7 (i am 13)

I am a mime!

I am told i have a good voice...i think i do

I've never had a boyfriend

I've wanted a boyfriend...

I play guitar, piano, and drums

I play golf, too...and i love tennis

I also won "Most Talented" like Elizabeth Allen :P

Time for some "warnings"

Well, I will ask for forgiveness a lot...because i need forgiveness a lot...because i'm not perfect.  I'll make mistakes a lot...because i make lots of mistakes...because i'm not perfect.  I'll ask for advice a lot...because i need advice a lot...because i'm not perfect.  I'll ask for prayer a lot...because i need it a lot...because i'm not perfect.

Now, you have a small bit of info from my hectic mind.  so, there is much more to tell you, but it's going to have to wait.

I got this in an email!  woo

Friends Don't Let Friends Jump

OK boys and girls - time to use your imagination .

You are the leader of a village called Ecapsym that is located on a high plain that overlooks the ocean. Your people are generally happy and content with life, except for once in a while this stranger named Lucy Fer shows up and convinces people that their lives are missing something. This stranger is very wise - (wise as a serpent in fact), and invariably she is able to convince people that the emptiness they sometimes feel inside can be solved by doing something on the outside. What is that something? Jumping off the cliff that's just outside the village.

That's right, it seems like insanity, but somehow she's able to persuade people that soaring into thin air is a good thing. And at least a couple times a month, you are wakened by panicked family members alerting you to yet another cliff jumper that bought the lie.

Now, the cliff is not that high, so nobody gets killed. But they almost always break an arm, a leg, or receive some kind of injury that is definitely going to leave a mark.

So now you decide to do something about it, but what? You can't ever seem to predict when and where Lucy Fer is going to show up, so you need to explore other strategies.

You meet with the village elders, and they come up with two possible plans: build a hospital at the bottom of the cliff, or a rescue station at the top. You only have the materials and finances for one of those, so you need to make a choice. At first the hospital at the bottom sounds good, because there would be help right there when people hit bottom. But the more you think about it, the rescue station at the top is really the best plan, because it would help stop folks from jumping in the first place. You could invite people in to let them know that Lucy Fer's plan is disaster, then they could join the rescue team and help you with the work of the rescue station.

Your plan works. Now nearly everyone in your myspace, sorry - I mean Ecapsym is meeting regularly at the Rescue Station and bringing new friends all the time. The only people that are jumping anymore are the ones who didn't know the Station was there, or stopped going because they got too busy or thought the Rescue Station was full of hypocrites.

Next time you think about your church or youth group, ask yourself if you see it as a hospital at the bottom of life's cliffs, or a Rescue Station at the top. See, the hospital people meet together and wait for folks to come in and get help for their hurts. They definitely serve a great purpose, but it's also definitely not the best strategy.nor is it what God designed the church to be either. Check this out -

Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2:46-47)

This is a description of the original church meetings from over 2000 years ago. They got together in plain view of the public and partied like it was A.D. 99. The other people saw the sincerely great stuff going on and joined in. What was the result?

"The Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

Saved...as in rescued. Not from the cliffs of Ecapsym, but from the gates of Hell. Without the Rescue Station, Lucifer (i.e. the devil) is able to talk loads of people into taking the insane leap into sex, drugs, and any other number of rock hard consequences that rolls their lives into depression.

Guess what? You are needed at your local Rescue Station. If you're not regularly involved because you are too busy or you think it's full of hypocrites, you've been duped by Lucy Fer. If you are regularly involved but not inviting new people to church/youth group, don't keep the Rescue Station to yourself, because friends don't let friends jump off cliffs!

Head: What you need to know about this truth

One of the main purposes of church/youth group is to be a rescue station for the unsaved. One of the main purposes of our involvement in church/youth group is to bring our unsaved friends to hear the gospel and be saved.

Heart: What you need to feel about this truth

Do you truly feel that some of your friends might be headed for a cliff? What I mean is, without Christ, many teens find it easy to start down a self-destructive path that never ends well. If you do feel that about your friends, then you won't feel nervous about inviting them out to youth group and/or sharing the gospel.

Hands: What you need to do about this truth

Think for a moment about your youth group. Is it a good rescue station? Is the gospel presented regularly? Do other people help visitors feel welcome? If not, get together with your youth leader and talk about this Soul Fuel. If it is a good rescue station, invite a friend or two out this week!

i'm trying to debate if i should join my own fan club...i think not.  I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!!