[wasting away.]

June 03 2007

today was better…
i saw potency through pain.
i didn’t even imagine that was possible.
i saw a smile throughout all the horrible conditions.
i saw her pushing through when it seemed there was nothing left.
and i wondered why i couldn’t contain that myself.
why i had to worry and question anything and everything…
and why i couldn’t just take it and progress with life like she seems to have achieved.
why i had to be the pathetic and weak individual that can’t make it through a SOLITARY storm.
i seem to have to rely on so many people,
even when i recognize that they have tribulations of their own.
why can’t i be like them and hold on forever?
i don’t know. but i wish i could be tough enough for other people additionally.

will i ever be that strong?
strong enough to bear my burden plus other’s?
is my determination adequate, or will i fall short like everything else i attempt to accomplish?

recently it seems i’ve been relying on more people than i have ever before.
i’ve been fragile within my core…not able to keep my situate for extended periods of time.
and when i would love to be there for others, all i can say is “i’m sorry”
..which, in truth, isn’t very apologetic at all in the first place..
knowing that will never be enough…cause it’s never sufficient for me.

i don’t know what happened to me.
whether it is the state of affairs i’m in
or whether i’m just wasting away as an individual.
i can’t really tell the differentiation any longer, anyways,
why even attempt to distinguish which one of the two it is?

the only way to liberate my emotions
is to release them on paper.
i’m sure they don’t even seem sensible any longer
i frankly don’t care anymore…
when you have nowhere else to turn,
a pen and paper will always “take note”.
regardless of what kind of an individual you are,
where you’ve been in life,
or what you’ve had to go through.
neither of the two worry about your appearance or outward show…
how many friends you have,
what type of car you drive,
or what vicinity you reside in.
they’ll forever be present, listening conscientiously.

well, i hope i’ll go somewhere at some stage in life.
and i hope that somewhere isn’t “insane”.
i’ll just continue walking..hoping to stumble upon something in this life
to keep me going.
because i’m running out of options rapidly.