Insect Overlords: Love em or hate em?

September 05 2006
We all know that Gringar the Great Ant is sending his unstoppable fleets of Insect Warriors to crush the Earth. I know there are a lot of points of view as to whether or not it will be good when humanity is rounded up and forced to gather sugar as tribute for mighty Gringar(usually coming from the people who work in the sugar industry, the bums).

I, for one, welcome our Insect Overlords and remind them that I can be useful in that my lovable personality is perfect for gathering up unsuspecting masses into convenient places to be thrown into slavery.

Who's looking out for you? I know Gringar is the Great Ant is.

Pirates: The Phusebox Post

July 07 2006
Rather than sorting through some odd number of posts where people tell me what they thought of the new Pirates movie.


First of all, I'd like to express disappointment that Keith Richards was not in the most recent movie. That said I understand the third Pirates movie is coming out next year and Keith will be in that as Jack's father.

The Good

The plot was very compelling. I did not think they would expand so much on such a minor detail like the East India Trading Company. And Lord Jerkface (I forget his name is) is a perfectly detestable villain. Also, I had completely forgottten that Bootstrap Bill was Undead when he was fired from the cannon and couldn't die. That was a very impressive way to bring that character around. There was some great character development in this film with a wide array of characters whereas in the first it was primarily about developing Will Turner and a bit about Elizabeth Swan. The battle seens were much improved but Disney has got to stop ending every last fight with someone getting knocked on the head with a rum bottle or an oar or a club or Orlando Bloom's unconscious body swung like a club.

The Bad

The humor and the jokes were the biggest shortcoming of the film. After Jack's first joke about "why is the rum always gone?" the creativity fled. It was recycling every last flippin joke from the first film except minus the timing. Really in this movie the jokes went from a strong point to a short coming that had the originality of something stolen from a Pirates fan site. Also, they never really explained the dice game too well. And at times the plot development seemed labored.

The Ugly

Davy Jones. I can't decide whether he's a better or worse villain than Barbosa. Barbosa had a strong history of rivalry with Jack and he had limits to his powers but Davy Jones has nearly unlimited resources and has a handful of weaknesses.

The Wha...?

Disney has a lot of explaining to do in the third film next summer. First of all, what is Lord Jerkface up to? He wouldn't go through so much trouble just to get some extra profit. Maybe he plans on turning on the British Empire or something, judging by the trade crew's disdain for tariffs and taxes. Also, what is the scar that Jack left on Lord Jerkface? And then there's Barbosa. They really have their worked cut out for themselves there. He's basically pulling a Jesus.

All in all, I'm going to rank the second movie below the first BUT it has the potential to be better than the first depending on what happens in the third and (probably) final movie, much like the Matrix Reloaded. Hopefully Pirates 3 won't be the disaster that was Matrix Revolutions.

Also for those of you wondering, it takes 6 people to run the Black Pearl. There'll be countless extras killed in the next movie. However, I shall tell you who will always, always, always survive to have the necessary 6 people.

1. Will Turner- they need his dashing good looks for good luck
2. Elizabeth Swan- someone has to appreciate his dashing good looks
3. Captain-figure- it's not a pirate ship without a captain, and the crazier the better
4. Mute with the parrot- because talking parrots are funny
5. the Midget- but midgets are funnier
6.  The portly yet rational man with the beard- did I mention he also has a heart of gold? There's no way they're killing him

What are your thoughts?

Burger King

June 09 2006
So the other day I went to Burger King's sadistically timed farewell party. I assumed he wanted to meet at 6 AM because he had to get on a plane. He neglected to mention the plane in question would not leave for another 7 hours. So I am left to believe Burger King, in fact, hates humanity.

So I meet the gang (including several Phuseboxers whom I'd thought were only myths and I mean you, Ben Moser) at Cracker Barrel and we try to seat ourselves, only to raise the concern of the manager who redirects us to a more centrally located table, called the Mainland. Unfortunately, this table lacks enough seating for what would be a rather grand gathering. So Burger King, like every good monarch, creates a colony table, for all of the tardy purveyors of Cracker Barrel. The colony flourishes and is named New Nateburg. I was promoted to Prime Minister while Burger King ascended to Emperor. I promptly assigned Bean the position of Grand Vizier of Colonial Supervision and Exploitation. As Grand Vizier, it was Bean's job to wear a spiked helmet and grow a curly mustache, while plotting dastardly deeds unbeknownst to me or the Emperor. Sadly, Bean failed to grow an adequate mustache but succeeded in everything else.

Now onto the acutal meal. I was disheartened to find out there was no fried walrus to be found, so I ordered some pancakes and Burger King promptly steals my idea. As punishment, Burger King agreed to decide which of the artificial sweeteners was most delicious. The only judicious way for this to happen was if I pured 1-3 packages of the sweetner down his throat. After much gagging and coming to his death knell, Burger King came up with this analysis: "The yellow ones were the best, Equal was awful, and Sweet n' Low should be called 'Satan's Dandruff'."

After breakfast was served and eaten, war broke out between the Mainland and New Nateburg. And by war, I mean the Mainland pelted New Nateburg with biscuits, oranges, and some type of mush which defied gravity. New Nateburg panicked but retaliated by dropping a most heinous weapon at the Emperor- their collective check. Burger King (or should he be Burger Pauper?) barely had enough funds for his own meal, much less New Nateburg's, so he conceded and apologized to New Nateburg by chugging a cup of sludge, which he maintained was coffee. At this time, Sarah Moore shows up, albeit an hour late, and is stunned to find out Burger Pauper didn't mean 6 am Mountain Time.

Our merry caravan spends the next 30 minutes chatting and joking in the lobby of Cracker Barrel but flees once old people and Cracker Barrel staff start poking us. Our tribe, now nomadic, spends the next 10 minutes wandering the barren wastelands of Old Fort Parkway and, mere moments before succumbing to fatigue, our tribe miraculously finds a Starbucks. In Starbucks, no less than 8 tales, 13 stories, 3 epics, and one legend were shared within the remnants of the group (most by me, I was promptly promoted to "Bard" for my abilities). However, by 9 am, the group began to splinter. Batman went off to pose as a billionaire socialite by day and Sarah went off to do whatever it is she does.

In summary, it was a good time.

The Spanish Inquisition

May 21 2006

For those of you unenlightened as to the true nature of the Spanish Inquisition, I present-

Note: The beginning is a bit messed up but the rest if perfect.


May 20 2006
That's today?! HOLY CRAP!

Brian King has EXPLODED!

May 09 2006

He was just standing there. Then he exploded, leaving only charred and smoldering furniture. It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just
blow up like that? I mean, you wouldn't think it was medically
possible, would you? It's not every day your friend just up and explodes.

An Eternity More of Phusebox

May 07 2006
I've decided to throw everyone for a loop and post more Phusebox material. Much like the Spanish Inquisition, NOBODY expected that!

No more Phusebox

May 02 2006

I made the critical mistake of showing my parents a post that spoke kindly of me. Now, I shall be lectured on how I'm going to be arrested for accusing someone of causing the dinosaurs to go extinct.