Confusion surrounds all around me.  Others can't see it, but I surely can feel it.  I search for answers and I found....none.  I search for something to make a little bit of sense and I found... none.  Yes, I'm looking in the wrong places but I'm confused where to step.  The answers are right in front of me and still it seems too confusing to understand.  Confusion is like a ball, the more I let it surround me, the harder the bounce.  ( think about that one.)  The question Why is all up in my mind boggling thoughts.  Why can't I...  Why is everything...  Why, why why... 

If God created so much beautiful things on earth, just imagine how beautiful God is.  If He placed the solar system at the center of the universe, just imagine where He places himself in you.  If my God created blue skies to complement the sun, just imagine what God does to complement you.  If an artist paints a canvas of his heart, just imagine what color God painted you.  We are one color.  The color of His Blood. 

An artist always loves his creation.  An artist never makes mistakes in his paintings.  An artist pours out his heart into his creations.  An artist creates perfect master pieces.  In the artist's eyes you'll see passion.  Passionate of his work.  If an artist can create perfect master pieces, just imagine how perfect God's master pieces are.  If God is the artist, and we're his canvases, just imagine the time, desire, love and patience He poured out onto us to create a portrait of His heart.  Imagine.....  We are HIS!!

This is part of what I do for God.  I praise Him through polynesian culture.  Last Aug. my ministry, Polynesian Praise, had the opportunity to open a tahitian competition event on Maui.  There were at least 20+ participants. 

Here's a closer shot.  It was so awesome...

 God's presence was there.  The annointing was so heavy that I personally didn't want to stop dancing.  It was almost at least a 12 minute routine of constant shaking and a little swaying.  Boy oh boy was it tiring...  This is just the beginning of what God has in mind.  Tahitian is not the only thing we dance.  We're in the process of learning a Samoan dance called the SASA, next we be learning Maori, Hawaiian, Cook Islands, and Tonga.  So excited... 

When i woke up this morning after hitting the snooze button about 2 times, i opened my eyes and looked around.  i began to analyze my thoughts asking myself, "am i over it?  is my heart healed completely?"  i sat up in bed and pondered for a few more minutes.  Then, all of a sudden an overwhelming feeling of Joy began to fill my heart.  God's Love covered me.  I sat in bed drenched in God's spirit.  The feel of His arms tightly wrapped around me.  The sound of His voice that was harmony to my ears softly spoke " I love you more than words can say.  I love you more than what actions can do.  I love you more than what you can understand.  I love you so much that your broken heart is no longer broken.  The joy you feel is ME patching your brokeness of your heart.  When you cried your very last tear, without you noticing, while you laid down to sleep, I held you in My arms.  As you curled into my arms, I watched my tears fall unto your face as you slept peacfully.  My tears were not tears of hurt but of Joy that you now feel in your heart.  I have seen how your brokeness drove you into depression.  I have seen how your brokeness kept you away from me.  It killed me watching you weap by your bedside.  I could not do anything but to weap next to you.  I desperately wanted to hold you in my arms and take care of your sorrows, but you didn't let me.  When you gave me permission, the Joy that I felt, is the Joy you are feeling now.  I heard your cries from day one.  I tried to take your hurt and I tried to wipe your tears.  But you took it away and told me that you could do it.  My love, remains in you.  My spirit remains in you.  My joy remains in you.  I live in you....."

tears ran down my face as if it was hurrying to drop into my hands.  instead it fell onto the floor creating puddles of wet spots.  i opened my eyes as more tears fell and stared at the puddles noticing how each drop created it's own wet spot.  i draped my hands over it and wiped it knowing that each tear represent gaps in my heart that no one can fill, touch, or complete even the one that has help create it.  my eyes soon became heavy.  heaviness from crying.  my feelings were soon exposed.  my intentions were soon exposed.  exposed in the open where the light revealed the brokeness of my heart.  my heart broke into two leaving me with an overwhelment of uncontrollable relief of tears.  it was no use in trying to stop myself from the healing power of God.  The sound of God's voice, filled, touched, the areas that needed to be filled.  He stands in the gap that i once held tightly in my hands but watching it fall through my arms, knowing that sooner or later it would manifest itself physically.  Like my catching my tears as it would seep through my fingers, knowing that i can't hold onto them.  i'm on my knees weeping before the Lord.  during these times is when i feel most vulnerable.    

wow... what a weekend.  it has been a struggle for me.  a struggle to see beyond my problem.  a struggle to walk through my problem.  why is so hard for me to break through?  why is it so hard to let go?  i feel trapped with no way out.  it's coming to a point where i can't breathe nor move.  i'm stuck.  i ask myself, why can't i just give it all?  i wrestle with my mind trying to find a way out, but it's no use.  the enemy is laughing.  i fight and i fight with my sword point directly at the enemy and holding my sheild to my body ready to on guard.  i strike but i hit nothing, he strikes wounds me.  i fall to my knees and i cry out for surrender.  i cry out to Jesus...  "Jesus help me for I am weak"   my wound is causing me to ache.  ache in pain.  pain that i don't want to feel.  pain that i am covering up.  i cry myself to sleep to numb my pain.  i keep myself busy from the time i wake up (6:45am) til the time i fall asleep (1:30am).  i can't let go.  i'm afraid and i'm losing hope.  afraid because the enemy strikes at me even harder.  losing hope because everything is repetitive.  what more?  how much more?  i'm going to break.  i'm desperate.  Lord please help me. 

DANG!!  okay hodge and jeff, i'll be nice not because you said but because i repented and God said i had to be nice.  haha.

Anyways,  last nite was very interesting.  My friend tezrah and i attended critical mass.  it wasn't my average type of service...  well actually worship.  in the beginning of worship it was a little rough to get into the spirit with only maybe 2 peeps in the audience, about 50 billion peeps as choir and about 4 million doing sound and power point.  okay so maybe i'm exaggerating..,  but seriously.  this was a time to really have God up in worhsip.  so i started to pray in tongues and let God move.  within 10 minutes of worship, God came down and annointed me.  He decided to speak to me about how to be patient with him.  He said to gain supernatural patience i need to worship in times that i don't feel like it and surrendering.  as he explained each step He then said, in order for supernatural patience to set in, i need to surrender my whole self and worship God for who he is.  It all links together.  Man, i felt Jesus' presence during the whole time of service.  it was so awesome.  God is so abundant, i mean who can resis such an ALMIGHTY GOD...  who in facts loves each and everyone on this earth.  Like it was said during service, " God doesn't need us, but he DESIRES us."  now that's something to ponder about.

this is a very hard network to figure out.  i can't even put a photo on this thing.  well the whole reason why i'm doing this is because someone invited me on and when i started to make my profile and everything, i just couldn't put a photo on.  weird.  i am not a computer geek...  well maybe for myspace and that's it.  the truth of the matter is, i can't figure out this not self explanatory network. 

anyways, so this is my very first blog for this thing.  as you can see i love black and red.  well actually i'm a color  black fan.  i know that this might be some random blog but too bad for all y'all...  soon we be livin' it island style.  stay tuned. 

ALOHA