i feel like breaking someone's leg.

play tomorrow night.

pray, lol.

you can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel because sometimes it isn't there.

it's inside you.

i need to find a white suit.

can anyone help me on that one?

i have come to admire old people because they don't care what you think of them.

they know you think they are stupid . . .

they know that you are the stupid one.

they have fought their fights,

lived their lives,

and what has that given them?

stories.

and maybe if you are lucky—very lucky—they will share with you.

you can sit on your great aunt's lap and hear stories of life as a child in florida, traveling in greece, or teaching at a college in scotland.

you can listen to your grandfather tell stories of landing on a beach in normandy, wading through the jungles and swamps of korea or vietnam, or being the editor of a paper in atlanta.

and if you get really lucky, you will get cornered by a distantly related elderly lady at a family reunion and hear stories for hours of growing up in the hills of south carolina.

old people are willing to give you a window into another time and place, a look into their souls . . .

and all you have to do is ask.

old people are wisdom.

they have been through the poverty of the depression, the horror of a world war, and the fear and paranoia of the cold war.

they survived . . .

and they know that you will, too.

(no matter how bad life gets or how alone you feel.)

in a world of fading memories and weakening health, they have realized that all that really matters is the present.

will being 10 minutes late to work matter in 10 years?

will missing your child's first day of school?

old people know what is important. they know how to survive.

to remember.

to live.

i have come to admire old people because they are willing to share the secrets of life.

will you ask?

"you don't want to go for a ride, do you? We could get out of the palace . . . see the world."

"is it safe?"

"sure, do you trust me?"

"what?"

"do you trust me?"

have you ever just felt like a horrible human being?

other than that, prom fashion show was fun. i'm sure someone will put pictures up soon, and then i will steal them.

i don't feel well. much. at all.

i think that's it for now.

i need a prom date.

ever just felt a need for a personal cleansing?

just wanted to take everything out and start over?

to feel clean?

i'm taking everything off my walls:

posters, pictures, nic-nacs.

the room is feeling more and more empty.

but i think i'll like it.

"happy endings are stories that aren't over yet"

would you agree?

sonia: where are your pajamas?

me: i'm wearing them.

sonia: you sleep in jeans?

me: no, under that.

sonia:oooookay . . .

"love covers over a multitude of sins"

but so does a mask if worn properly

and who's to know the difference?

what do you wonder about?

i had a dream that i was There.

when they lowered the Body i caught Him in my arms, but i collapsed under the weight and, sitting on the ground, i craddled the limp Form.

I tried to pull Him closer to me by the arms, but when i did His head fell back at an impossible angle,

so i put my hand behind His head and pulled it to rest on my shoulder, and embracing the Corpse

i began to cry.

and slowly, as i held Him,

the Blood poured out

until i was covered.

i think my computer sold his soul to the devil.

but he's getting better . . .

like cleopatra

joan of arc

or aphrodite . . .

[this would be why the brian has been in a good mood]

[just try to figure it out, kids . . . it's not who you might think]

they said we couldn't make it

each too different

and i guess they were right.

one day she was gone

and standing there alone

i looked to the window

calling me with open arms

ready to embrace me

in its beauty, and i let it.

through its frame and out

into the open sky

like a bird, never understood,

until i finally set my feet

down on the sidewalk

ten stories below.

later, there was a

closed-casket funeral and

they called it sin but

i call it art.

am i mean?

if i asked you to run away with me, would you come?

(have you ever noticed that the people you want to answer this kind of question the most never do?)

sometimes i feel like i'm drowning.

other times i feel like i'm flying.

most of the time i can't tell which is which.

Well kids, here are your answers:

Mady-How much do I love you? Well I think that I would have to say . . . almost as much as Jesus does. That’s a whole lot. That’s also about how much I love everyone.

Rebekah-Naked? For a million dollars? Shoot, my clothes would be off faster than . . . something very fast. Yeah, that was a pretty terrible analogy, so I’ll try to do better . . . yeah, I got nothin’.

Kelsey-No, the party was not more fun without you, I’m sad that you couldn’t make it. What’s the other question?

Aimee-I needed you to ice a cake for me . . . a very special cake . . . that’s about all I can say on here. Message me.

Sara Shaban-Love at first sight? Seriously? Probably not. That would probably be something more along the lines of infatuation. But I do believe that sometimes you can feel a deep connection with someone at first sight . . . I just don’t know if I think that that’s love.

Andrew-I am not, in fact, a treacherous traitor; I am a treacherous whore. Aside from that, it’s all quite simple: I once signed a pact that I would never betray anyone-ever-and that I would certainly not whore about . . . we see how well that worked. That fiendish Chloe . . .

Megan-Of course I missed you after you left my party; I didn’t get a chance to poke you or bother you about Kelly.

Anna-I thought we already settled this marriage thing? The deal is if neither of us are married by the time that you turn 30, we get hitched. I proposed to you a long time ago . . . and now that we’re both 18 I guess it technically counts . . .along with 54 others, but we won’t go there in this paragraph.

Beth-How many times have I been in love? Probably never if we’re being realistic; though I’ve either been there or close on one or maybe two occasions in my opinion.

Sarah Bowers-Hmm . . . probably $5. I am not to dependent on Starbucks coffee that I wouldn’t go home and brew my own if it got any higher than that for one drink. Of course if I were buying for a lot of people, I would buy until I had no more money with me, just to be nice. And so I could sip everyone’s coffee.

Dani-You ask me a very interesting question. I would think that the answer to your question is yes, we (boys) are all stupid, at least as far as matters like that are concerned. But hey, who isn’t stupid at some point or another, especially in relationships? I do believe that the general rule of thumb is "boys are stupid and girls are evil."

Kim-Yes, I do like Pirates of the Caribbean . . . in fact, I can’t wait for the sequel to come out on July 7th. Or maybe it was the 8th. Early July, either way.

Jessica-The meaning of life . . . hmm . . . I think it would change depending on who you asked. Personally, I think life is supposed to be your love letter back to God. Life is a journey, not a destination, and it’s all about what happens along the way and whether or not you get pulled down in the trenches or persevere and make life a little easier for the people to come after you. The good and the bad, you have to take all of it and learn to appreciate every experience you have. Your actions against-and reactions to-your circumstances are what makes you who you are; and when you realize who you are, you have realized the meaning of your life.

Ben-No. Lol, just kidding. You will be romantically happy when you quit worrying about it and just live. Girls are pretty cool . . . but don’t let them consume you. See the above paragraph.

Cara-If I had a dollar for every time I made a complete fool of myself, I would be the richest man alive. As far as your college question, I’m going to take the cheap way out and say that you will end up wherever you are supposed to go. If I knew where you applied, I might take a stab in the dark to see how close I could get.

Nathan-Big Bird is totally a guy. I think . . . gah, that’s going to bother me now . . .

Michal-I didn’t invite you to my party because I really didn’t think you would come if I did. Simple as that. I was actually on the verge of asking you, but chickened out. Maybe next time . . . can’t have you walking around with a broken heart.

Caleb-Cottage cheese and bologna together, or just in general? In general, yes, I do. Together, I have never tried, but it doesn’t sound particularly tasty. How would you eat it? On a sandwich? Or would you just smother the bologna with cottage cheese and roll it up Swiss cake roll style? This is interesting . . .

Zach-As much as it would bother our parents, friends, your girlfriend, and our religious affiliation, I guess I have to say yes, I will marry you. Now get at the back of the line, ;P. I have missed you a lot this semester, and you better hang out with me whenever you get back for Christmas break.

Sarah from Alabama-This question is tough, because if I say yes, I sound conceited, and if I say no I sound like I have self-esteem issues. And, of course, it all depends on exactly how cool people say I am . . . which I really can’t imagine to be very cool . . . but we’ll go with yes.

Christina-School buses smell like pepperoni? What bus have you been riding? Just kidding, school buses smell like pepperoni because the patron saint of school bus drivers is St. (Papa) John, who also happens to be the patron saint of pizza, so they burn pepperoni-scented candles to him under the dash. I thought everyone knew that . . .

Amy Powers-I have several theories as to why random people request friendship on Phusebox. Any or all of my theories may apply to any random Phuseboxer who requests your friendship: A) They think that you are hott. These people usually accompany their request with a message to you saying about as much. They are also, quite often, awkwardly younger than you are. B) They are extremely insecure and have no real friends to be friends with, so they ask random people in the hope that it will make it look like someone does, in fact, notice (and care) that they are alive. C) They are having some sort of a contest with someone else to see how many friends they can get and don’t really care whether they know you or not. That’s not all of them, but it’s the top three main reasons, in my professional opinion.

Emily-This question was pure evil. If I could marry seven people, who would I marry? I could take the cheap way out and rattle off a bunch of really attractive actresses that I have no chance with ever, but where’s the fun in that? I’ll rattle off a bunch of names of people that I actually know that I have no chance with ever (in no particular order). 1) You. You deserve to be married to me for asking this question. 2) Sarah Moore. Because we would make random sounds at each other about as often as we actually talked. 3) Michal Mulane. She’s funny and pretty (fun to be mean to). 4) Megan McDonald. Because it would really tick off Kelly. 5) Sara Mohammed Shaban. You never know when you will need al-Qaeda connections. 6) Jessica Sanders. Just to cause lots of drama and keep things interesting around the house. 7) Kelly Sullivan. Because she makes funny noises when you poke her in the side. I’m sure I left out someone important, but that will have to do because I ran out of numbers . . . you should have asked who I would marry if I could marry 55 girls.

Michal-Will I be your boyfriend? Sure, why not? No one else will take me . . .

Aaron-You in a word? Weird.

Katie-How do you measure a year? With a calendar, stupid. Hehe. No, but seriously . . . I guess this is one of those sappy things where you are supposed to say you measure a year by your experiences, good times with friends, etc. Personally, I've had a very interesting year so far, but I can't say that I will be terribly sad to see 05 go . . . because that means 06 is coming!

Bethany-Do I think that people in heaven can see us? I guess that depends on whether or not you believe that people go straight to heaven when they die; do they go on up, or do they wait in the ground for the rapture? I think it makes more sense to believe that people wait in the ground, because if they went to heaven why would they come back to be raptured? Of course the fact that elijah was carried up to heaven in a chariot kinda messes with that theory, but he was elijah, so maybe he's special. I guess what I'm getting at, despite wishing to the contrary, is that I don't really believe that people can see us from heaven. As nice as it is to think that generations of your ancestors and heros are up there watching, I'm pretty sure that if you were in heaven you would be far too blown away by God to be paying attention to anyone else, especially us mortals. Of course, there is that verse in Hebrews about the cloud of witnesses, but that could be angels, or it could be that the people in heaven are in fact watching . . . so basically I just spent a huge paragraph running around in circles to say nothing more than I don't know; I don't think anyone really will until we are on the other side. This would be a better conversation to have in person than on a forum like this, so . . . bring it up sometime.

Holy cow, that was a really long post. I'm sorry. I did try to make it interesting for all of you, though.

ask me any question you want to and i promise i will answer you in the next post.

people go through life always wishing they were bigger, better, stronger; they never really realize that they have always been big enough, good enough, and strong enough for wherever they are.

it's finally my birthday. guess who's legal.

i can think of two applicable quotes:

"coming out of my cage, and i've been doing just fine . . ."

and a quote by a dear scottish friend of mine:

"freedoooooooooom!!!"

so i got myself grounded.

got in an argument over whether i control my life, or my parents do.

they won.

my parents pick the most inopportune moments to yell at me.

so i won't be on here for a while.

like, til my birthday.

that's november 29.

holy cow.

it's like lent. only longer. and not voluntary.

other than that, it's basically just a bunch of extreme limits on how late i can be out, how often i can go places, required amount of hours i have to spend with my family, etc.

i'm telling you, these folks are psycho.

but i guess i deserve it.

oh well, not going to let this ruin my senior year.

so yeah. you are morally obliged to call me when you plan something. or call me to keep me company. whatever. whenever. 890-7454. do it.

ciao, mes amis.

"havin' fun, fun, fun til daddy took the t-bird away . . ."