single....again.
why am i so damn unloveable?
i thought i was a good person
but no one ever sticks around long enough to see
or even give it a chance

so this means:
no date to military ball yet
no escort down the attendant line either

i think i fail



i miss those days
and him

:-(

Is it possible to just up and stop loving someone?

military ball is in one month exactly (Feb. 4th)
i don't have a dress yet
the one from last year is torn and it's too big
yeah i really don't want to wait until last minute to get a dress
but i'm pretty picky about dresses
it has to be perfect
i've settled for a mediocre dress once and now i hate it
(the dress i wore to oakland's ball in '04)
so yah i'mma go crazy if i don't go dress hunting soon
gargh
well enough about that
school is purty good
i understand almost all my subjects
biology and algebra II the best,
which actually amazes me
hehhee
but yeah that's it
byeee<33

So I didn't have that good of a Christmas.
It was pretty boring.
Learned that Ambien makes me all drunk-like
And I don't remember much after that.
But you know what I love?
Me and Sean dancing in the middle of my room to our song.
Yeah we're cheesy.
But it feels so good to just be in love.
And I don't want to lose this feeling, ever.

so we're going to east tennessee for christmas
kill me now
sean is going to babysit my georgie porgie (my guinea pig)
the great dane and dad are staying here
some christmas, eh?
but i do get to see my mom's friend's baby
(who is so incredibly adorable)

yeah...still haven't gotten any pictures of my new haircut

parade is tomorrow, which i'm not looking forward to
it's going to be incredibly cold
but it does earn me my beret at the end of the year
major yay

i'm hungry but if i eat now,
knowing my parents, they'll bring lunch home when they get back
yeah

i found out yesterday that i am a total loner in 2nd period
most of my algebra II class probably doesn't know my name
we had a party yesterday and no one noticed i didn't eat
it was pretty odd
but i made a D on the test i took in there on tuesday
which really upset me because i thought i aced it
and my english quizzes/ tests, i also bombed

i need to get more organized
and stop freakin procrastinating

but yeah here i am on a saturday, bored as hell
i wanna go see a charlie brown christmas tonight
but i don't know if my parents will let me
and i want sean to go too
i duno i may be going to the movies with amber and some people
so i guess i'll see how that goes

this was a really long update
i guess i'll shut up now

much love <3

i love him so much

and i really hope this lasts

<3

i thought i was doing pretty well
but around the end of fourth period and lunch time, i lost it
i cried harder than i've cried in awhile
and amazingly he was there to hold me
he called me baby again and it calmed me down
i always loved how he has that effect on me
he just about had to force me to eat
but i'm probably going on a diet anyways
i wish i were with him
i still want to cry
i hope i get a second chance at all this
i want to be with him so badly, it hurts.

I miss my baby.

Just about my favorite picture.

So I'm single as of yesterday.

It hurts.

I want to get out.

Maybe date and get to know different guys.

So if you have a friend, a brother, or your a guy who wants to hang out sometime, remark me.

Wow, I sound pathetic.

But I'm just trying to meet new people.

I've been sticking to my cramped little group of friends.

It's time I get to know new kinds of people.

But yeah I gotta go get ready for Colorguard.

random picture

bitch, puh-lease

So there's this boy.

Who met this girl

They are kinda odd...

Okay, they're really odd

Sometimes they don't understand the world

But in the end....

Love always prevails.

mWaH*!*!*!

I give up on everything.

But I just can't let go.

Even though he did so long ago.

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more

It's true.

I just wish he felt the same way.

I hate when he's confused.

God, please help him realize his feelings.

Only six days till our one year.

I don't know if we'll make it.

</3

If this ends,
There goes my life.

What the hell is going on?

I'm stuck in the middle of melodrama and I don't even know it started.

One person doesn't know how he feels towards his girlfriend, my friend.

She comes to me thinking I know all about it.

I know fucking nothing.

She goes to my boyfriend for comfort, possibly?

What....in....the....hell?

My boyfriend asks me what the girl's boyfriend said.

And I still don't know what's going on.

He didn't tell me anything.

So why do they think he did?

I am lost.

Now it feels like everyone's against me.

My friend is gone for the weekend.

My boyfriend won't talk to me.

And the girl's boyfriend says there's nothing to say.

I fail, again.

I think my life is just going to crash.

I hope it doesn't.

But it feels like it's going to.

I feel like I need to start over.
Just cut my hair, dye it, change my wardrobe.
Change my name if need be.
The old Jessica was too uptight.
Now I need to be free and fun.
I'm trying to break the chains that hold me down.
I just want to break free.

I gotta get out here,
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

So life is good.
Not bad but not exactly estatic.
I'm bored and lonely.
And hungry.
So I guess I'll go eat.

So yeah all was good.
Until I had to go and act like I was five again.
I'm spoiled and I have a hard time getting over that.
I just wish he was here, it's always better when he's here to comfort me.
It's weird how when we're together, he's always holding me if I cry.
But on the phone he either gets worried or gets annoyed.
I guess I shouldn't go on my little emo trips when he's tired.
He's my everything, my absolute best friend.
I need to strengthen myself as a person.
Maybe then I'd show people I'm not all emotional and spoiled like before.
I want to be happy all the time and carefree.
I want all this stress just to go away already.

'Come baby,
Just let me hold you near.
Come on baby,
I'll chase away any fear.
Come on baby,
Please don't cry here.
Come on baby,
I'll wipe away each tear.
Come on baby,,
Smile for me from ear to ear.
You;'e my only one, every day of every year.
Come on baby,
Just let me love you, my dear.'

Just wrote it.

Again, things have gone to hell quicker than you can say it.

When we're together it's usually pretty good.

But when on the phone, we fight about alot of stuff.

I cry alot and usually I don't know why.

Sometimes it's school, other it's me or him.

I'm just so stressed sometimes and I wish he'd understand that.

He says just forget it and don't worry about it.

But it always comes back to haunt us.

I really don't mean to over react about some things. Others I just let everything go and I cry and cry.

I'm trying to be a better girlfriend but I feel like a failure.

I'm afraid to lose him, that's the biggest fear.

As long as I have him with me, I'll be happy.

Whether I show it or not.

My fears:
Death
Being alone
Being unloved
Raw meat
Drowning
Talking to new people
Not accomplishing my goals
Being buried alive

That's all I can think of at the moment but I have some really strange fears. :-\

But anywho...things are better and I'm happy.

yay for happy!

I think my life is one big overly dramatic movie.

And I have a soundtrack to every freakin-drama moment it seems.

Like tonight....the song 'I Will Remember You' by Sarah McLachlan (sp?) could have easily fit in with me and Sean standing under the bleachers. It was just him holding me, trying to get me not to cry. I'm just one big wreck right now.

I'm not a bad person, really I'm not.

I'm changing my emotional dilemmas the best I can. I'm trying my hardest and I hate being told I'm not trying hard enough or I'm not changing fast enough.

I just want things to be okay.

mmm so i broke my toe.

it's red and purple at the moment.

not much more to say.

Okay things are much better.

Everything is wonderful again.

Everything feels different.

School feels different.

People are different.

He's obviously different.

But I'm the same it seems.

I'm emotional and crying again.

Stubborn and afraid of heartbreak.

I'm tired of this.

I think I just had the worst dream I have ever had.