He who pursues righteousnessand[plus]lovefinds[equals] life, prosperity and honor.


<for the first time in my whole life, i'm not afraid of feeling alive...>

::b

Yeah...so I never thought I would say this but taking these four girls...

home is so much friggen fun.  Listening to Hawk Nelson blaring and screaming at the gang fights in the church parking lot and all.  Yeah...taking four freshman girls home was fun.  You heard me. 

Have a great night kiddos, especially my sister, Kylie, Emilee, and Destanie.

Four pretty darn cool girls.

peace out mah homies!

"take me under Your wing tonight...make me so precious in Your sight..."


::b

This visit is much different than the previous.  The coffee shop is filled with people mingling amongst each other.  I am sitting in one of the opposite pair of green chaurs than last time.  There are two men in a different corner than last, also different men, discussing business politics and efficiency this or production that.  A man in a black leather motorcycle-esque jacket is putting creamer in his coffee.  There is a girl behind me that is taking notes on note cards from what most girls would deem a “cute” note card holder—it has nice Easter colored horizontal stripes.  One of the Starbucks employees just smiled at me.  She has black hair.  Three guys stand up to leave, and a woman joins them.  There is a male college student highlighting important terms and phrases in his textbook.  The shop is not as full or loud as it was earlier, and the soft jazz is more audible than before.  The frapuccino grinder is grinding away.  “Grande non-fat mocha …” something or other.  A young couple enters.  The girl is in all black with a pink shirt under the black outer one.  A woman in approximately her thirties comes and sits in the green chair next to me, and she begins pulling out a “The Anatomy of Coloring Book” book along with normal and thin markers.  She is wearing a bright, bright green Old Navy Fleece Half zip top.  There is an old man across the middle reading a magazine.  There is a guy or girl (I cant decide which) on a laptop not far from the old man. He just looked at me, so I determined it was a he.  His laptop has a sticker on the back of the screen.  Two very attractive girls walk in talking, and one looks at me, then both move to the ordering line.  Blue Monk begins to play…I love that chart.  The entire scene has now been sufficiently described, so sit back and enjoy the warm weather. (diddly doo wah doo wah…dit duh doo wap.  Skiddidle ooo skoot cha wah.  Doo wah…doo wah)

::b

Someone...teach me how to make lemons into lemonade.

Cause life seems to like giving me lemons.

So yeah.  I still have what has been so conveniently deemed a "promblem".
The girl I asked actually turned me down.  I don't want pity...so don't offer any.  She is a good friend and has a respectable reason.  But now I have to go through the whole process of finding someone I would like to take and someone that would have fun.  This is difficult because it feels like i live in two different worlds.  Church and school.  Not that I am a different person in these worlds, its just that they dont overlap at all.  I have very few friends that go to both.  And this girl was one.  But all my good friends go elsewhere.  And I am now just ranting.  I hate it when people rant.  I just feel so overwhelmed that it's getting closer, I don't have a date, and I don't even know if I can find one.  One that will have fun.  I am beginning to wonder if I will go.  I mean everyone "has to go", but whats the point if you aren't going with a group of friends?  I'll just drive myself up to Nashville to eat dinner by myself, go home to take pictures by myself, go to Prom and dance by myself, go to afterProm and tag along with other people.  It just seems like its what I've been doing for four years at Blackman, and I can't take it.  It makes me sick.  I just pray that God will take this burden from me, and give me wisdom in my choice of either dates or attending prom  entirely.

Sigh. 

What a mess.

But I still manage to actually be happy most of the time.  Because of Him. 

::b

As I sit here, studying the people that enter and exit the coffee shop, I notice two men in the corner discussing a court case.  One is presumably the lawyer, the other the accused.  A pretty girl enters, probably around early 20s in age.  She goes and gets her coffee and then sits in the green chair next to me. She smells nice.  I haven't told her though.  She drinks her coffee, just sitting.  I can't tell if she is doing anything else at all.  She seems to be looking into a small pink journal or pocketbook.  Maybe writing.  I can't tell.  There are to ladies talking at a table about ten feet away from me.  The girl next to me brushes her hair back and takes another sip of coffee, then writes something in the small pink book.  She is dressed nicely.  A college student rushes out with a drink tray of coffee, a girl.  She appears to be a nurse as well, or at least a nursing student.  I wonder if the girl next to me is actually writing about me as I am she….  There is now soft jazz playing with trumpet and saxophone features.  Another friend of mine just walked into the shop.  He ordered a tall caramel frapuccino.  Iced caramel latte is what he received, though.  We are talking now.  We are disrupted by a man getting sugar for his coffee and singing.  My friend is proclaiming, "Oh Glorious!"  We discuss the joys of not having homework.  The reason he never received his frapuccino is because there were approximately 15 frapuccinos in line to be created.  Another guy in the corner makes my friend happy because he is wearing a tshirt and shorts.  We left.

::b

Lord, please give me wisdom as you gave Solomon.

Choose a good reputation over great riches, for being held in high esteem is better than having silver or gold. (Proverbs 22:1)

How much bettter to get wisdom than gold, and understanding than silver! (Proverbs 16:16)

Lord, please drive sinful, foolish thoughts from my mind.

A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away. (Proverbs 22:15)

Lord purify my heart, my mind, my life.  And give me the strength to maintain that purity.

Amen.


::b

Crushes.

That’s how everything begins.  A glance, a touch that sparks emotion.  It sends the signal to your brain that is electric.  And then your brain sends a signal to your heart that makes you feel warm and fuzzy.  It starts out so small, but it can develop into so much more…

The sustained eye contact that sends messages back and forth.  It makes those dusty butterflies in your stomach shake of their wings and flutter.  The lump in your throat rises.  The red in your cheeks shows off is rosy hue.  Your legs weaken, you don’t know what to do with your hands, and suddenly you care about how you look.  

The accidental touch that sends chills up your spine.  It makes you stop and indulge.  Makes you turn and think, “Did…did that…did that really happen—to me?  Wow.”  Savor every memory.  You look over at them and everything else disappears.  The hairs on the back of your neck stand upright.  

The look, the feel that everything’s alright.

It grows on you.  The comfort you feel when you’re around them.  Knowing you’ll always have someone to hold you tight, to make you feel complete.  Someone you can talk to for hours or sit with in silence forever.  The dependence begins.

Mutual habits begin to form, things are understood.  You feel secure in anything—with them.  When you are without the other, you aren’t the only one that notices.  You delight yourself in the knowledge that when they are gone, you’ll get to see them soon.  You talk until the early morning about anything and everything.  You begin to learn love.

And then they are gone.

The problem is that the feeling that you felt and came so naturally isn’t.

And you know that whenever that one person talks to you, those same butterflies dust off their wings once again and make you weak.  Even though you know you shouldn’t, you give them trust as if nothing had happened, and you hope that tomorrow is better than today.


My butterflies were dusted off this weekend.



::b

Julie showed me this site...props to her!

This calculator thing is pretty neat...

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/962975887

do it.


::b

I really don't think some people remember how you are always there for them...how you've always been there for them...and that you'll always be there for them.  They take everything you used to do for them for granted.  they don't remember all the things you used to do for them.

All the things you've invested into them are forgotten.

sigh.

If only, if only.

Dum Spiro, Spero.

::b

"Yes, a man is a dangerous thing.  So is a scalpel.  It can wound or it can save your life.  You don't make it safe by making it dull; you put it in the hands of someone who knows what he's doing."
-Wild at Heart

...proving that a man of God is a solid investment, and a man not of God is a dangerous one.

::b

The play went on without a hitch!  It was wonderful. 

Yet I am glad it is over...

and I still have this dreadful British accent stuck in my speech.

It won't go away.

Anyways...thanks to much prayer, everything worked great.


I might post pictures later if I can get them to upload.

::b

I would have given you all of my heart

but there's someone who's torn it apart

and she's taking almost all that I've got

but if you want, I'll try to love again

baby I'll try to love again but I know


The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed

when it comes to lovin' me she's worst

but when it comes to being loved she's first

that's how I know


The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest


I still want you by my side

just to help me dry the tears that I've cried

cause I'm sure gonna give you a try

and if you want, I'll try to love again

but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know


The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest


'Cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed

when it comes to lovin' me she's worst

but when it comes to being loved she's first

that's how I know


The first cut is the deepest, baby I know

The first cut is the deepest

The First Cut is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow.



I know most of you skip over lyrics, as do i, but it really hit me tonight...once again.

I feel so stuck in this moment that i don't think i can move on.

and go figure, it is a concert night.  it always happens on concert nights.

::b

" "Any day now, I'll be found out" is a pretty common theme among us guys.  Truth be told, most of us are faking our way through life.  We pick only those battles we are sure to win, only those adventures we are sure to handle, only those beauties we are sure to rescue."

I couldn't have said that much more effectively.  I feel so trapped sometimes, so limited by what I can and can't accomplish, that I simply give up.  I can't tell you how many times I've settled for something that is easier to obtain.  And now that I've found that route mainly successful, I'm having a hard time reasoning with myself why I should risk rejection, exposure, or pride.  I can't explain in words the amount of regret I feel for some decisions I have made.  Sometimes I simply want approval.  That's it.  Yet approval is so hard to achieve.  I often find myself posing as someone who I am not, someone who can have more guaranteed success and happiness than I could.  Or simply posing because I don't want to be wounded any more than I already am.  I pretend to not care that you broke my heart, pretend to move on, pretend to not think about it everyday.  I take the convenient option over the one that I know can make me happier.

"Every boy, in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength.  Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed, every man carries a wound."

Moving along...

I don't feel like I belong at Blackman.  Not to say that I belong somewhere else, or that I don't belong at Blackman, but I don't feel like it.  I don't feel like I can be me there.  I have few true friends there, and I feel quite lonely sometimes.

On Prom...

To be honest, my first choice is taken.  I was thinking about this yesterday at school, and I don't even know who I want to invite.  A few friends of mine have discussed this subject lately, both in differing views.  I want to go to prom, and I want to have fun.  The problem is I don't want to invite someone who I don't think will have fun.  I have thought about asking a few close friends of mine. 

And in closing...

Carpe Diem.  Risk it.  Don't settle.

Dum Spiro, Spero.


::b

*Both quotations taken from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

" "Where are all the real men?" is regular fare for talk shows and new books.  You asked them to be women, I want to say.  The result is a gender confusion never experienced at such a wide level in the history of the world.  How can a man know he is one when his highest aim is minding his manners?"

"There is nothing so inspiring to a man as a beautiful woman.  She'll make you want to charge the castle, slay the giant, leap across parapets.  Or maybe, hit a home run."

"A man wants to be the hero to the beauty. . . . You see, it's not just that a man needs a battle to fight; he needs someone to fight for. . . . The battle itself is never enough; a man yearns for romance.  It's not enough to be a hero; it's that he is a hero to someone in particular,  to the woman he loves.  Adam was given the wind and the sea, the horse and the hawk, but as God himself said, things were just not right until there was Eve.
Yes, there is something passionate in the heart of every man."

All quotations taken from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.


::b

I thought it would be quite interesting to attempt to match a famous actor or actress with my friends.  So here goes:

Brian King:  George Clooney.  Smooth as silk in Ocean's Eleven, and skilled in doing so many different things.

Sarah Moore:  Rachel McAdams.  You and I always seem to be able to talk about anything.  And if you think back, her position in "The Notebook" is applicable.  Beauty combined with grace…with a hint of reality.

Rebekah Minor:  Elaine from Seinfeld.  Subtract all the sex she has, her personality of always being honest and still very                            witty.  She can hang with the boys--and beat them                            at their own games.

Cameron West:  Kirk Cameron ("Growing Pains").  Tall, funny, and a strong Christian.  Not to mention the same name.

Brittany Nichols:  Scarlett Johansson in "The Island".  Sometimes out of it, yet always involved.  You are naturally pretty and can always liven the screen…or the room…with your smile.

Sarah Wilson:  Jessica Simpson.  Simply because you couldn't get the door open that Sunday School morning…when the instructions were on the handle.  Very much a "Jessica" moment.

Rachael Vance:  Sarah Jessica Parker.  Classy and elegant.

Aimee Davis:  Julia Roberts.  Multi-talented and beautiful.  Can entertain you with anything.

Lauren Barber:  Jennifer Lopez.  Easy choice.

Jeremy Crook:  Bruce Willis.  No your not bald…but I can just see you saving the world come Armageddon.  Or come shine.

Brian Ponath:  Peter Griffin from "Family Guy".  This one was pretty simple. 

Joel Grissom:  Stewie Griffin from "Family Guy".  You want to take over the world and you don't care who you offend.  Perfect.

Zach McCain:  Colin Farrell.  You have style, wit, and charm, and you are a good actor also.

Ashley Orman: Kirsten Dunst.  She had red hair in Spiderman, and she isn't Nicole Kidman. 

Graham Wells:  Sean Connery.  A genius at what he does, and he does what he does right.  If that makes sense.  Plus, he was James Bond.

Garrett Shaw:  Ben Affleck.  You are a great person with a great mind, but you probably shouldn't be acting.

Nathan Moore:  Denzel Washington.  Always interesting, can do just about anything, and creative enough to do so.

Rachel Meyer:  Audrey Hepburn.  This was a hard one, but the classy and talented Hepburn won.  She was creative, interesting, and unique, and she had many people who loved her.

Nemanja Cavlovic: Tom Hanks in "The Terminal".  Enough said.

Clint Nadeau:  Ben Stiller.  You just look soooooo good.  A natural Zoolander.

Chris Madison:  Robert Redford.  Baseball lover, "The Natural", and a great personality.  Very kind.

Amy Bonin:  Michelle Pfeiffer.  Beautiful and talented.  Never forgotten, always interesting.

Amy Powers:  Sandra Bullock.  Classy and interesting. 

Rachel Bonin:  Whoopi Goldberg.  Crazy and funny.  Always in for a surprise.

Anna Miller:  Angelina Jolie.  No, you don't have big lips, but when you want to, you can pull off some interesting stunts, even if it's just for fun.

Andrea Yohe:  Norah Jones.  I know, I cheated with a musician.  But who better to cheat with it on.  You are a natural musician with a refined taste for music.

Amy Dent: Kiera Knightley.  Long, light blonde hair and beautiful.  You are always someone to look forward to seeing.

Holly Morris:  Uma Thurman.  You can be soft and quiet, and you can be friendly and loud.  You are good at both, and you surprise everyone.

Kaitlyn Robertson: Lisa Kudrow from "Friends".  Wild, random, and sometimes odd.  But always enjoyable.

Lauren Beasley:  Meg Ryan.  Can be classy, can be modern.  Always intriguing.

Kelly Sullivan:  Doris Day.  Classic and enchanting.  Almost a Marilyn Monroe, but not as suggestive and more comedic.  

Xavier de Castor:  Kevin Costner.  Well-rounded and talented.  Kind, soft, and very respectable.

Sara Johnson:  Hilary Swank.  Tall, yes.  But she has a strong sense of independence and a strong personality too.

Kelsey Johnson:  Kate Hudson.  You are beautiful and you have a great personality…sense of humor…all that.  And I'm not trying to butter you up.  Tall, blonde, etc.  You get the picture.

Jason Thacker:  Heath Ledger.  Always playing a big role, and most people notice.  A great person who is even better when you get to know him.

Shannon Murphy:  Katie Holmes.  I don't exactly know why…but you struck me her.  Maybe it's that you look similar.  Maybe you like Tom Cruise.  Who knows.

Lauren Moser:  Jennifer Aniston.  You are wild, unorganized, and intriguing nonetheless.

Bethany Moore: Kate Winslet.  From Shakespeare to J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan) to Titanic, you are always wonderful to see and always good at whatever situation presents itself to you.  Classic beauty and character.  And very fun.

Jonathan Moore:  Will Ferrell.  You are funny in whatever role you want to play.  Always entertaining and fun to be around.  "Stay classy San Diego".

If I had to pick one for myself, it would probably be Matthew McConaughey. 

There were a few of you who I couldn't pair up tonight.  Amy Amonette, Stephen Hamby, and Jonathan Stewart are ones I couldn't match.

If you weren't on the list and you want to see what actor or actress most resembles you, let me know.


::b
   

P.S.: Monday, January 16, 2006...

In observance of Martin Luther King Day, we will celebrate with a picnic luncheon (potluck) at the Old Fort Park at 11:30 a.m.

From there we will proceed to Carmike, where we will enjoy a showing of Tristan and Isolde at 1:40 p.m.

Everyone is invited. 

To Those of You Who Care:

Monday, January 16, 2006...

In observance of Martin Luther King Day, we will celebrate with a picnic luncheon (potluck) at the Old Fort Park at 11:30 a.m.

From there we will proceed to Carmike, where we will enjoy a showing of Tristan and Isolde at 1:40 p.m.

Everyone is invited. 

::b

P.S.:  If you are planning to go...repost this on your Phusebox.

What am I thinking about??

___________________________________________________


Because of Aimee Davis's denseness, I will further separate the two thoughts expressed in this post.

___________________________________________________


The new MacBook looks absolutely incredible.

Absolutely.

I want one.

::b

Thank you Sarah Moore for talking with me for so long last night. I know we werent solving any of my problems or anything, which is what the last sentence sounds like, but for some reason just talking gave me some kind of clarity or something I can't really express in words that feels peaceful and ...sigh. I wish I could explain it.  Anyways, I didn't get in trouble for getting home late..real late.  My parents just probably ignored me last night and my mom didn't say anything this morning.

I want to know the stuff that dreams are made of.

I know some of you can't dream or don't dream, and I feel sorry for you.  Not the pity "I feel sorry for you", but just that you are missing out a bit.

I had one of the most emotionally charged dreams last night.  It was scary (not horror scary),  strong, heartfelt, fun, angry, sad.  And it was all tied together with the strongest emotion: love.  I know it sounds sappy...but my dream never made it to that part.  The sappy part that is.  This one just felt so...real...that when I woke up, I had to think a long time about what it meant, why I dreamt it, what caused it, how I would have handled it, how it would have ended...so on and so forth. 

I don't think I've ever had a dream so real and surreal mixed in at the same time.  Like nothing makes sense around you...but everything makes sense in your head.

And the girl.

Why do I feel so attached to a character in a dream?  I know that nothing in my life, most likely, will have anything to do with this dream.  But I want to find her. (Double meaning: finding her in the dream, and finding a person correlating to that character with the same real emotions in life.)

*sigh*

If I could do it all over again in the dream...I would.  But there was no romantic events or anything (don't get any ideas).  Everything was simply understood as the dream went on.  All the small dreams that occurred before my mind settled on the "good one" have no correlation whatsoever...yet your mind somehow convinces you while you are sleeping that everything does in fact make sense.  It makes no sense, and as I am writing this, some things in the dream I begin to remember...but they don't matter to me.  I just want to relive or "redream" what happened in the good dream.  I remember everything that happened, I just don't know how it got started or how it ends (as is the way with most dreams: it starts in the middle, but you dont notice it in the dream, and you don't need any prior knowledge or experience to comprehend what is happening.  Then it doesnt end.)

I just want that feeling of attachment.  Not attachment as someone continuously with another.  But the attachment I felt in my heart.  An attachment that can get through and almost enjoys the hard part because it brings you closer together.

If only...if only.

I guess I need to go get ready for school...*sigh*

Already the strength of the dream is fading...and that makes me sad.


::b


P.S.: I want to know what you think. If you could customize any
website on the internet, or have an idea for a useful online tool that
is not common now, what would you do, or what is your idea?  What do
you wish you could do with or use a website for? If there's anything you think you could use, let me know.

Thanks for whatever suggestions you guys leave, they are very appreciated!

Hey guys!

I want to know what you guys think.

If you could customize any website on the internet, or have an idea for a useful online tool that is not common now, what would you do, or what is your idea?  What do you wish you could do with or use a website for?

If there's anything you think you could use, let me know.

Thanks for whatever suggestions you guys leave, they are very appreciated!

::b

Please...

Take a moment and pray for a friend of mine.

I can't say much more than that...

And if you like,

take more than a moment.

It is extremely needed.

and I thank you.

::b

.i acheived my goal.

 i cant stop the tears either. 

why does it mean so much after so long??

this is the worst feeling.

i wish i could go somewhere.

if i could change anything in my past, i would change my answer that night.

::b

"My dearest Allie,

I couldn't sleep last night because
I know that it's over between us.

I'm not bitter anymore, because I know
that what we had was real.

And if in some distant
place in the future

we see each other
in our new lives,

I'll smile
at you with joy

and remember how
we spent a summer beneath the trees

learning from each other
and growing in love.

The best love
is the kind that awakens the soul

and makes us
reach for more,

that plants a fire
in our hearts

and brings peace
to our minds.

And that's what you've
given me.

That's what I'd hoped
to give to you forever.

I love you.
I'll be seeing you, Noah."

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me, the way that it was and should have been surrounds me.

I'll never get over you walkin' away.

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes


Tonight I wanna cry.


Listen to "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban here.

EVERYONE IS INVITED

to attend Blackman Band's


Winter Prism Concert


It will be an amazing show


A wide variety of music


will be on display


for all to indulge.


Begins at 7 o'clock p.m.


in the Blackman High auditorium.


You're in for a treat!


Plus it's free.


No Excuses.



::ben

I've escaped to my hideout for the holiday.
See...


If you want to find me, here are some general surroundings...


This should guide you towards my family and I...

And this is a close-up of what our place looks like...

So now you should be able to find our little hideaway, "the hideout"  nestled in the mountains of the Smokies in Townsend, Tennessee.

Thanksgiving dinner was really, really good.  I love coming up here this time of year.  It is just amazing, especially when it snows.  I'll be back up here for New Years, but then I'll be staying in a chalet in Gatlinburg.  We'll be within walking distance of downtown where the New Year's Ball will drop from the Space Needle. 

I don't feel like doing much right now, I think the turkey has taken control of me...

Gobble.

I finally broke out the Christmas music today, as my handy Powerbook is providing all the wonderful music in this little cabin...as well as its service as a DVD player and internet access line. 

Props to my sister for allowing me to use her camera to take the photos you saw.  It took forever for me to upload them, as I am running on dial-up.  (I know, I said it... for all you techies, I apologize.) 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you  wonderful people who have agreed to be my friend here on PhuseBox.  All 180 (/edit/ *183*) of you...as of today.  You all rock.  Have a wonderful holiday, and be safe.

::ben

Did you Know?

Xanga has now added the option of placing a title on your entry...

Xanga has upgraded the limit they place on uploading photos to members...

Xanga is replicator and not an innovator?

Thanks PhuseBox.

::ben