You think our school could just fix the freaking fire alarm...

So today I woke up with a swollen eye. It hurt quite a bit, and it wasn't just puffy, it was swollen. I looked like a retarded caveman. So I wen to school with a droopy eye. And I'm still not sure why it was swollen, maybe I hit myself in my sleep. And its still slightly puffy, oh well. Then I was drinking my diet peach snapple, and I dropped it, in the hallway, during break. Glass and Snapple went everywhere, and I felt really bad. Its kinda funny now, but at the time it was just another thing going wrong. And to add to that, and the fact that I blew my tire Saturday and I've been sick, I have tons of homework, and assignments due later in the week, and tests and quizzes. I'm gonna die. But the good part...6 school days left til Thanksgiving Break. And Harry Potter 4 comes out Friday. I'm going Friday night, around 7:15 I think, (heather?) If you wanna go with me, get your ticket, or let me know, heh.

I laughed a lot today, which was good. "Git chur book!!!!" HAH! Yea. But then I got really pissed off at the end of day. I'm just so annoyed with immature and rediculous people. Yea, I'm just being bitchy here lately. Well, its not even that. I just feel like I listen to people a lot, and I never really get to rant about anything thats bothering me without getting interrupted about something that the person I'm talking to did. I guess I'm just tired of being ignored by some friends.  (I mean really, I already apologized, I already felt horrible, you aren't in any trouble, what more can I do, just let it go, please, or do you just like making things awkward and making me feel even worse?)

Drama practice is fun, but you can only be around some of those people for so long, ya know? Then they really start to bug you. I'm just tired of a few people in there who are attention-whores and don't know how to relax or take a joke.

But I'm ignoring that, because today was very good for the most part.

Sometimes I wonder why I decided to take Spanish 3....

I organized a car bash for homecoming week...Marie enjoyed it...

I love my peppermint patty...

Maegan looks like Lenny Kravitz...

*sigh* good picture. i love neon.

Finally, a picture of Marie, I like this one, it shows a naivity and vulnerability...

So yea, today was short, and weird. I find myself thinking. Where did the day go?

So I watched the movie "A Lot Like Love". Yea I know, A cheesy movie with Ashton Kutcher thats very stereotypical and over-done. But I'm a sucker for a romantic comedy. Anyways, it got me thinking...about plans. I'm currently in the middle of a struggle of trying to plan out my life. I get sick to my stomach because I dont have a plan for myself. I dont know what I want to do, or what to major in, I dont know what college I want to go to. I mean the only reason I want to go to Chicago is because I love the city. I dont know where I want to live when I graduate college, I dont know if I'm even going to leave this town. I just dont know anything about what is to come. But the point is that the movie made me realize something about focusing on plans. You can't plan out your life. At all. Sure you can "decide" on what you want, but you have no clue what will happen in the future that could disrupt your plan. Some people might even throw good things away and ignore oppurtunies and miss out on love and life because their sucked into some plan. Well you know what? Fuck plans. I'm switching my priority from planning out every detail of my life, to enjoying life while I'm living. I blew my tire the other day, who's to say that a car might run into me tomorrow and kill me. I'm not stressing out about whats to come, i'm going to enjoy the now.  I'm so happy when I relax and think about how much I love who I am and who I surround myself with and what I'm involved in. I'm happy. So screw everything else. I'm just going to go with what life throws at me. I'm going to do good in school, but not if its going to make me miserable, because there's more to life than that.

*sighs* yeah.

This weekend I did a lot of thinking. And I'm excited to see how I'm living in the next few weeks.

Now that i'm not planning what is to come, I'm more anxious for whats going to happen in my life. Ah...excitement.

I fooled around with my space again, and its just too confusing for me.

I want my own house, so I can decorate it, and live it it, and make it my own. I just want to be on my own. I know I'm not that restricted on anything, but I feel restricted. Mostly just because I have to rely on so many people. I just want to be fully independent. And out of high school!!! I'm so over it. Over high school. I'm done, lol. I just want it to be over!!! Why didn't I graduate early?!?! lol. Life is so much more than high school, oh so much more.

I get lonely easily...I want to find someone.... Its just difficult...

So yea, I woke up this morning, put on my new shirt

and planned out my day; go to drama practice, then go to cool springs and buy some neat stuff, and do all of it while listening to sexy music. Well as I was driving to drama practice. I was listening to some sexy music and then a sneeze came upon me. [so when I sneeze, its big, and I sneeze out of my mouth because I wont let it out of my nose, and I close my eyes the whole time] So I sneezed, and heard a huge pop and crunch sound, I open my eyes and and I'm on the curb/sidewalk going down siegel road. I flip out. So I pull away fast and as I drive I heard this horrid crunching sound. So I pulled into the middle lane to see the damage, I was expecting some scratches on the hubcap. I mean its not the first time someone has hit a curb. But no...It looked as though someone had took a knife and ripped my tire apart. It was completely shredded. I was rollin on pure rim. And yea, it was a sneeze, not my fault [but while we're mentioning the sneeze....WTF!!!! I mean come on, a freaking sneeze!!!] but what makes it worse is that my "stepdad" had bought me my new tires a few months ago. Bleh, I felt horrible. So yea, He came and gave me his truck and he told me to go on to practice and he would put on the spare and drive it home. So after practice. My mom is waiting by my car at the end of siegel road. The spare tire had been flat, and thats as far as it got. Damn. *sigh* so a tow truck came and towed it the whole one and half miles home.

But yea, I still went to cool springs with Andrea. Who is only a friend.

Hah, I love this picture. She reminds me of a bunny.

We ate at the food court, and watched people, and had very good conversation, and  I enjoyed it.

We ate noodles.

Then we had to book it to make an appearance at every store that I wanted to go to. We stopped by Express where my Erika will be working soon. I was very disappointed. I only found two items. And I desperately needed winter clothes. The last ten minutes was like a movie, it was Andrea's mad dash to get ice cream.

 I then came home, talked with my mom, and I'm going to get some sleep.

I know its not too ghetto.

Oh yes, I'm in love...

With Missy Elliot. And I'm not ashamed.

I'm also in love with the 500 -something seconds song from "Rent" I have the soundtrack.

AND....I'm in love with "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". I went to the play at MTSU tonight. I had never seen the movie before. The play was amazing! They did such a good job. I'm going to go see it again. I'm also in love with the people in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" haha. Yes.

"This song reminds me of drums!"

I am so Depressed. No Kidding. I feel like nothing. I am so emotionally and physically drained. I'm so empty and sad and mad and I feel ike I've hurt everyone around me and that's because I have. I'm sorry.

I'm so sick of trying to fit in. Some feelings you get are instinct and you should learn from them. One thing I've learning this weekend. Is that I need to make drastic changes in my life and surround myself with people and things that are positive and are a positive influence on me.

I feel like a horrible person, and its because I've been acting like one.

Damn, I just can't stop posting...

So today, after announcements this weird tribal movie just appeared on the TV. It was called "The Gods Must Have Gone Crazy" It was soooo werid. Like it just came on for no apparent reason. Our class watched the beginning and Ms. Salty's class watched the whole thing. It was about some african tribe that is united and then they find a coke bottle that was dropped form an airplane and it destroys their tribal unity. Strange. Mrs. Knox was friggin obsessed with it.

So yea, I wonder how much money Kanye West and that movie "Jarhead" have made. It seems like everywhere I go I see a preview for Jarhead accompanied by the song "Jesus Walks" Bleh, Kinda makes me sick that I cant do anything without seeing that commercial.

Parents are going to Mississippii. Leaving tomorrow morning, coming back late Sunday night. I'll try not to get into too much trouble. Although, today I found out that more people than I thought already knew that....weird.

So yea, not sure who watched "The Apprentice" tonight. But it was jacked up. The part I saw had Trump in the boardroom talking about sex.  Talking about homosexuality and how thats why restuarants have menus so people can choose what they like. Yea, really intelluctual there Mr. Trump. And he was being semi-mean to this Jewish guy about how he hasn't had sex and that he hopes he has a lot of sex when he's older because "its great" and that trump himself has had a lot of sex and it got him into trouble. And he was calling people anti-semetic. What the hell is wrong with this guy??!!?

So yea, the events over what happened last night over-shadowed my amazing weekend.

Friday night, I went to the Deathcab for Cutie show.

Stars opened for them. They were really good. I enjoyed it a lot.

Mhm. The girl reminds me of Karen O. of the yeah yeah yeahs.  But we all know that Karen O.  wins.

I bought their CD.

Then it was time for Deathcab for Cutie.

Wow. They were so amazing. All of you who said they aren't that good live are bastards. It was such a signifcant moment for me, being there and seeing them live.

I wish I would have talked to the people around me more. But I had plenty of fun with Maegan.

I only wish that they would have played "Gwenevere" (sp). My favorite Deathcab song. *sighs*. But every song they did play was just about perfect. I was like one of the only people singing and getting into it. But it was a pretty mellow concert. Maegan wore a nifty hat...

I love and adore this picture.

They said they're coming back soon....

Then Saturday was my Halloween partay!!! I had sooo much fun. Everything went really well and it was all worth it. I loved having my friends there. The group that came really seemed to fit well together, well for the most part, heh. I had most of my closest friends there. And I liked it that way.

Maegan was a raver...and this is one of my all time favorite pictures.

Anna has amazing eyes...Well...amazing colored contacts.

Heather was dressed all sexy.

And Anna was dressed as an....asian.

mmm...sassy.

So yeah. Party consisted of Eating, playing an intense screaming game of Pit, then some good ole fashioned Apples to Apples. Then....EXTREME FOUR_SQUARE. Yeah I know. A real sophisticated party. But I enjoyed it. Claire was by far the best player, haha.

So yeah. Then some days went by. Now for randomness

Check out those earmuffs. They're technically called "180's", but whatever. I am obsessed with them. I wore them during school.

I have no clue why I look completely stoned in that picture. And I'm not being sarcastic.

So yeah, Monday was halloween. I think. Anyways, My family come over to my house and I took my nephews trick-or-treating.

SDJFHAS;YRO;SDS;HDT!!! Thats the cutests little baby in the whole entire world!!!! Gah, it kills me.

So I didn't dress up. But I could have been a soccer mom, I had a track jacket, a short "trendy soccer mom" hair cut, hah. And I flashlight. I also caught myself saying things like "What out for that car" when its 10 miles away.  and "Be careful, its dark" hah. I'm a dork.  While trick-or-treating, I met up with Claire and her brother Jay, not Jake, Jay is his name. It was nice.

So I leave you with the most adorable thing you will ever see.

My little baby nephew James dressed as a tiny giraffe.

This has quickly become one of the worst weeks I have ever had. Ah, I'm just so utterly pissed off and lost and comletely out of touch with reality and my priorities aren't straight at all and I dont know what I want and I feel like everything is crashing down and I feel like everything I'm around is a comlpete charade and I'm just so stressed and depressed.

Three zeros in AP U.S. History.

Two zeros and a 67 in Espanol Tres

I used to be such a good student. And now look what I've become. There so much stress and crap going on in my life that the only time I have to myself I spend indulging myself, finding some way to maintain happiness for a brief moment in time. 

 It seems like everytime things start looking up again, you look up, and it falls right on your face. My family has been getting along great lately. With the exception that My dad and I haven't talked for four and a half weeks. Doug has been so nice and my mom has been....are you ready.....happy. And in turn, doug has been happy. And you know what that made me...happy. And then all of this school stuff came crashing down and I have reports and projects and tests and essay and zeros and my family doesn't stress grades with me. SO its just myself putting pressure on myself. You are your own worst enemy they say. And then tonight. It all goes to hell. I actually started doing the work I had zeros for, And I was going to study. Then Doug (my moms boyfriend/fiance of 12  years who is pretty much my "stepdad") drives me over to the lot where we are building our new house. On the drive home, he starts bitching at me. He said I was self-centered, he said I never did anything to help around the house, he said I was spoiled, he said I was selfish, he said I was a burden to my mom, he said that no matter what happens to me in my life that I should be happy just because my mom gives me things. I was furious. But in my family, only the adults can show emotion. I have to sit back and take it, take everything, everything they always throw at me, everything I get that they store up against other people. So yea, We get home, my mom comes home, I'm upstairs, and I hear screaming. Screaming between mom and doug. I wont go into details, because its personal. But bad things, profanities, And it happens a lot, so i'm used to it. Doug is always the instigator. I try to ignore it like I always do, I'm distracted from homework so I was a few minutes of tv. The next thing I hear is. "Nick!!! Get your butt down here now!!! NOW!!!! Get you butt down here right now!!!!" and I'm like, shit what do I have to go through now. And then He says "We have a crisis" and I go into soccer mom mode. I was frantic and wondering what the "crisis" was. So the closer I get downstairs, the louder this weird spewing noise gets. Our water heater had...not exploded....but broken and began to burst and spew from some wierd hole thing. Water is everwhere in our garage. The next hour is full of my mom and doug yelling, me getting yelled at, water going everywhere, mom crying, everyone bitching, me cleaning up everything while doug sat and pouted, Me losing it and flinging my broom around like a psycho out of pure rage and making my mom think I've gone insane. So it wouldn't stop leaking. At all. So we had to turn off the water that ran to out house.

So now...we have to running water. No brushing teeth, no showering, no flushing the toilet, it royally sucks ass.

I mean really, could my week get any worse

My mom and doug were planning on going out of town to Tunica this weekend. Thats in Mississippi. From early Friday morning until late Sunday night. I was going to have some....fun.....times. I have no clue if they will make up and still go. I sure hope so. Because I need a break. The house to myself is like my own quiet, peaceful, refuge.

My grades are going to plumit. And so is my happiness and well-being. I'm going to have to wake up at five in the morning to find someplace to shower and do all of my morning routine things. Most likely my grandparents' house.

And like always, I'm as lonely as humanly possible....

Bleh....I just want it all to go away.

So yea, not a very big chocolate person. Although I can destroy white chocolate and recees like nobody's business. But Target has this new line of chocolate called choxie. It is the best chocolate I have ever had in my entire life. I got the white bark peppermint shortbreat bite things. They're bliss. Really, I almost orgasm when I eat it. And the commercials...all the trendy women and vivid visual effects. Its great and it has my approval.

Yea, too busy to write, but I will say that Marie and I ventured out to buy items for my Halloween party. It was fun. Marie acted like she was on heroine half the time though. We danced all through Party City. We couldn't help it, the music was just a bit too catchy to handle.

Yup. I did it. I wore the same outfit two days in a row. And it felt good.

So we had rehearsal tonight. It was so much fun. I can already tell that I'm going to love this play. I don't know if its that we're doing a better play, or if its just the mixture of people. But rehearsal just has a really good vibe around it. And its pleasant, fun, and entertaining. At my request, we're going to try to end every rehearsal by dancing to the Charlie Brown theme song. Oh yes. 

The first 30 minutes of rehearsal were spent talking about peeing in the shower. Turns out i'm like the only person in drama who doesn't pee in the shower. Someone tell me I'm not crazy. I like to get clean in the shower. Not piss everywhere. And I've never peed in a sink, or a bottle. Yea, shoot me, I'm a freak.

Today was one of those days, where things aren't going that great, but you're in an amazing mood for no apparent reason. It was great, I haven't had such a good day, or been in sucha  good mood, in a very long time. I hope its a sign of what's to come.

So yea, Chicago here I come. Looking at colleges in Chicago, Planning a trip to visit colleges in Chicago. I cannot wait. I'm moving on up.

I'm meeting so many awesome people here lately. Expanding your friend circle, feels damn good. Embrace it.

Oh and also, I broke my streak on Saturday when I wore my brown courds. Hardly anyone noticed that I wore the same jeans for 24 days in a row. lol. wow. Don't worry, I washed after three wears. I'm in love with them though. Only because they're the only ones that aren't too big and fall off of me when I walk.

This weekend can't come soon enough. Deathcab concert on Friday. A Halloween get-together on Saturday (since I can't go see Rocky Horror with Macy, Anne, and Casey)

Woo.

^^ Bloc Party...I'm obsessed with their Silent Alarm Remixed CD. Freaking amazing.

^^ I love this picture of Marie.

Saturday night was Mary's Halloween party. I waited til about five minutes before the party [literally] to think of something to wear. So I called Maegan. She said I could be a "Raver" with her, and I agreed.

Oh yes. But I can't get all of the glitter off of my hair and face. It will be there for a couple of weeks probably. So please, noone say "Hey...there's glitter on you"

Marylane was a gypsy, or the girl who just looked through her closet on her way out. Mary was a kitten in heat, and Marie was nothing else but a poker table. The party was fun. I met new people, saw people I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice.

Today I called Anna, and she met me at Maegans with her sister-in-law Valerie, Who's 21 and really cool. So we went to Starbucks where about half of M'boro was also.

^^ Oh Anna...

Then we went to Anna's house. And she has two baby ducks!!!!

Damn!! They are so adorable. Freaking amazing. I want them. I'm stealing them. BLEH!!! Arg. I'm suffering from Baby Duck Withdrawl...

So yea, The cast list for "A Charlie Brown Christmas" was posted. And I wanted Snoopy. Well the list said Snoopy.......Nick Hawkins/Caitlin Weller.

?!?!? Both of us got the role!!! What!! It completely shocked me. I mean, I'm upset that I didn't get the role for myself. And I kinda feel like its saying, I'm good, but not good enough to do it myself.  But then again, I will be Snoopy. I'm assuming for 4 of the 8 shows we're supposedly doing. Its just I'm not sure what to think because I didn't expect both of us to get it. So I can't be totally upset because I did in a way get the part I wanted. Its just going to be weird. And I'll have to go to all of our practices, just to do half the amount of shows that everyone else is doing. I dunno. We'll see how this works out. But I am excited. I just wish I didn't have to share a role.

I really  need to start doing my homework from now on. I keep telling myself I will, but I never do....

Its crazy how being around certain people, or certain mixtures of people...can make you so happy.

'

Variety show was fun, but frankly I'm sick of talking about it. But the best part of the whole thing was in our night show. When Michael asked the audience "Are any of you out there in relationships?" and then 29!!!! (Allison Kennedy) raised her hand and yelled, "WITH JESUS!!!!" I miss that girl. She was trill. I also got to see Erika!!! Gosh, its just not the same without you guys. And ghetto dancing backstage with...well pretty much everyone was fun. And watching nuns...a lot. But I swear, if one more person comes up to me and says anything about peanut butter. I'll die.

So we had auditions dor "A Charlie Brown Christmas" tonight. It wasn't as stressful as I was making it out to be. I think I did really good. I want the role of snoopy. Gah, I really hope I get it. It's going to be such a good show, no matter who gets what roles. I can't wait.

I almost died though. We planned out rehearsal schedules, and there was practice on November 11th, the day of the LCD Soundsystem concert that I wont stop talking about. But yea, they changed it to an after school rehearsal, so I can still go.

Anyways, I didn't get out of auditions until about 8:50. So Andrea met me at Starbucks, where we talked and sat somewhat pointlessly. Tomorrow I'm shopping for my Halloween costume, and going to Mary's Halloween party. Other than that, I'm open...

Give me a call....anyone, lol.

Got some new cd's. A copy of Claire's Ani Difranco cd, "Knuckles Down". Bloc Party's "Silent Alarm Remixed" Which is extremely addicting. I love Bloc Party.They're just so damn catchy. And finally, Sufjan Steven's "Illinois". Not a burned version from Maegan that skips every two seconds.

My car is a black hole. I find Maegans hair ties and clips everywhere. I found Marylane's socks. Marie's doedorant ( ??? ), her polka casette, and her steak-n-shake coupons. And about 50,000 water bottles.

Okay...Humans are so lazy. I've noticed this thing that I do, where I'll be walking down the hallway and I'll see someone I know. But instead of waving or smiling or saying hi. I just make my eyeballs really big. What the hell is that? I've seen other people do it too. I mean are we that lazy that the only way we can greet our friends is by opening our eyes really big. Its sad, I'm resorting back to hugs.

Trust me...sometime soon I'll have something substantial to write about...

Today turned out to be amazing. I didn't read my chapter or take notes for history, and I didn't do my writing workshop for English. I also didn't do my chemistry homework. I did my spanish. But I was running late and left my spanish book at home. But as it turned out, she didn't even take up our spanish homework. And then out of no where we had activity period, in which I took notes over the chapter for History and did my writing workshop. And as it turned out, my chemistry teacher wasn't at school today. So therefore my chemistry homework wasn't taken up. Yess...

Days like this make me happy. And I had spaghetti for lunch...it was great, although I looked like a big nasty eating it.

Went to Stones River Battlefield after school today. Saw about every other person who takes APUSH there too. I watched some video about the war, got a brochure and a stamp, and then left. Everyone was saying how they were dreading it and how pointless the video was and how much the whole thing sucked. But I'm a freak, and I really liked the video, and at one point, It made me really sad, and affected me. lol. And I read every little thing that was posted on the walls. I just like history for some odd reason. You'd think I'd read my history chapters then...

So yea, saw this on lexie's xanga a while back...

Five things you may or may not know about me.

One: I am lactose intolerant. It sucks, because I looove cheese. And anything from starbucks or espresso joe's. And ice cream. But whatever, I'm used to it, and I usually eat all of those things anyways.

Two: I am a huge reality show fan. Not those stupid love ones, but like Big Brother, The Amazing Race, Survivor, The Apprentice, America's Next Top Model. Those kinds. Sometimes it borders on the verge of obsession, but I enjoy it.

Three: I'm scared of just about everything. Terrified of the dark. (yea yea, you know you are too), Spiders, Snakes, Heights, Needles, etc. The list goes on.

Four: I had surgery this summer. I had some weird kind of hernea that I wont go into details about. But yea, I was a blast when they were drugging me up. There was some black nure by me, and I started screaming her name in a really ghetto accent. And I kept saying that my hand with the IV in it was my strong hand, in the same voice as the guy from scary movie two. They had to make the incision right above my "dirty zone" lol. So they had to shave around there. And then the nurse was shaving. I started screaming, "She's peeking!!! She's peeking!!!"  Yea, kinda graphic, but whatever. I had a lot of fun having surgery, lol. But sometimes my scar still hurts...I should probably get that checked out, heh.

Five: I've been thinking of an  idea of what I want to do when I grow up, but I'm too nervous to tell anyone. I've been thinking about going to some artsy kind of school in Chicago, and majoring in something dealing with fashion, and then minoring in something dealing with business (just in case). I've always enjoyed clothes. But it makes guys come off as feminine when they enjoy clothes and want to design them or do whatever career with them. But I don't care. I like it, so eat me. Then some point during college, I'm going to apply for "The Real World" lol. I think I could make it easily. And I would be hilarious to watch, because the other people on the shows are usually stupid and un-educated, So I would have fun messing with them. And then I would have recognization to get started in the fashion business. So that would be awesome. Many of you are probably thinking. Bad idea, not realistic. Well maybe it is, and maybe its not. But what the hell. I'll probably die when I'm 30, so why not.

Yea, not very important matters, but It was entertaining for me.

So yea, pretty sure I knew it was Deja vu and I couldn't think of how to spell it if my life depended on it. Just looking at it makes me feel stupid, lol, day ja voo.

"I'd rather dance with you then talk with you"

^^^ I love the Kings of Convenience. A lot.

I know you dont spell it day ja voo. But I like the way it looks, and its easy. Okay, I just don't know how to spell it.

I just had day ja voo FIVE times. In like 15 minutes

So yea, my thoughts on what day ja voo is are completely contradictory to all of my other beliefs. But I don't care. Because I like my theory.

I believe that Day Ja Voo, is a reminder. Like everyone has their life already planned out for them. And so when a person gets day ja voo, it serves as a reminder. A reminder that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, and the exact time that you were meant to be. Its crazy to think about. but I like it

Although I don't believe our lives are planned out, and who would plan it out. And that its probably just some mental screw up. I like theories.

But no conspiracy theories for homework that I haven't started because I'm distracted by Claire

So yea, pretty sure I'm stressed out again.

Variety show practice from 6-9:30, and soooo much homework. I didn't even get to eat dinner. And I'm hungry. And tired. And In the mood to complain.

So I was in a rush today, so I just slipped on some shoes. Some checkered shoes. That matched my checkered shirt. I "over-matched" and it was awkward...

Mmm. I've discovered Salty's microwave. And now my lunch is delicious and warm. Just the way I like it.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Three more days. And thursday will be a breeze. Its tomorrow I have to look out for.

All I want to do is sleep!!!

I've been thinking about colleges lately. And I'm seriously considering Northwestern Chicago. Or whatever its called. lol. So when I say I'm seriously considering it. It means I really want to live in Chicago and my parents said it would be fine.

Sorry all of this is so utterly random, but thats the mood I'm in.

It sucks to watch friendships diminish....

But its great to make new ones...

...which i've done, and I like it.

NINE  days until Deathcab for Cutie. Arg.  I cannot wait.

TWENTY THREE days until LCD Soundsystem.

THIRTY FIVE days until Thanksgiving break.

SIXTY TWO days until Christmas break.

See, I count days instead of doing homework.

So as many of you know, I haven't talked to my dad in like three weeks. I've been wanting to call him so bad. Just cut the tension and get it over it. To make a fragile attempt at getting back the relationship we had before he got re-married. And the variety show is coming up. I'll be dancing as usual, but this year since i'm in drama two, I'll be in some skits. And no matter how pissed off (but secretly sad) I am with my dad, I want him and my stepmom and stepsisters to come see it and see me. So I swallowed my pride, stomped on my ego, picked up the phone, and called to invite them to the show.

My stepmom answered. She is a very talkative person, so even after three weeks of awkward silence, she still has a lot to say. So before I can say why I called she assumes i'm calling because I was told to. She says, "Hey what's up!, Oh...I guess you heard what happened with Nana (my grandma)?" And I immediately go into shock mode. I freak out and say no and she tells me that early today my nana, who is elderly and lives my herself now, went to get the mail in the morning and fell down. Now my nana has a long history of falling down and hurting herself. She's supposed to wear this necklace with a button to push if she ever...well falls down and isn't able to get up. But she never wears it, I don't blame her. I wouldn't either. But not to digress. She fell down, and layed in the middle of the driveway for along period of time and no car would stop to help her. And she lives on a pretty busy street, so that just shows how shitty people are. She crawled to the house and called my aunt. My dad has been at the hospital all day. She either broke her elbow or dis-located it. And she's on a lot of pain medication and she was in a lot of pain. You would think my dad would have called me to let me know. That I would be a priority on the list to be informed. ...Nope. Not one call. I had to call them. I thought I was calling because an important matter came up that the family needed to know about, That matter being the variety show. But my own grandmother gets put in the hospital and is in immense pain, and I don't even get a phonecall. I have to find it out myself. THis is rediculous. Is he that stubborn that he wont give in and call me first that he won't even inform me of her situation. This just makes me absolutely furious. And terribly sad. I can't believe it. Well in all honesty I can. And it makes me sad that we have resorted to elementary measures in talking to each other.

Then Ronda starts another conversation before I get to talk. And tells me about Saturday when they went to Family day at Nissan. And of course I was like. "Oh.......family day.....nobody thought to call me....?" and she tried to cover it up as they didn't stay that long. But I'm not buying it at all.  My dad and I used to go to family day every year together. It isn't the fact that I missed family day, which isn't that fun anyways, its the fact that I've always went with my dad. Its a tradition. Something that my dad and I could share together and bond during. But now that he has a new family. It has no meaning. He didn't even let me know that it was Saturday, He had to know a week in advance. He always does. Is it that he still doesn't want to give in and call me or talk to me. Or is it that he just doesnt want me around or doesn't care that i'm not around. And that makes me sad. We would never miss it. In a way, its like the last thing that we still had together, is now gone. And it goes beyond the fact of me missing family day. Its that He went, and enjoyed it, with his family. And my name wasn't even brought up once.

All of these things are happening in both of our lives that we want to be a part of, but we are both to stupid, and stubborn to give up this rediculous charade that we play. But I like to think that I'm being the bigger man. I've made twice as many efforts as he has to mend things. And I've only made two. So that leaves him. With a big, hurtful, ZERO efforts. And its like, everytime I think I'm doing good and trying to call or see him or involve him or just talk, I get shot down. Shot down by not being cared about anymore. I mean they don't tell me about family day or my own grandmother being sent to the hospital. Its tearing me apart. And There's nothing I can do, because I've started trying, and it gets me nowhere fast.

I'm weak, but I keep pretending I'm strong. And its showing in more ways than one...

I'm completely new to this whole thing. But this seems simple enough. Not near as confusing as my space. And there's a lot of stuff to do with pictures. Which I like. I just need to find everyone I knows my space so I wont be alone.

Yea, big AP U.S. History test over chapters 6-9. I didn't read the chapters. And I haven't studied. And lets just say I didn't pass the quizzes entirely on my own intelligence. I'm screwed. I supppose I  should begin to study. But in all honesty. I probably wont. School has lost all priority to me. Which is good because now I'm focusing on happiness and having fun. As long as it stay under control. Heh.

Halloween is coming up. I want to party. And I will. So give me a call.

I'm very upset that one of my favorite shows has finished its first season. I need "Weeds". Its such a great show. Get showtime just for that show. And latenight porn. Haha, I'm kidding...but no really.

 I'm just upset because I missed three episodes. they need to play a marathon. Or put it out on DVD. *sighs* "Weeds"....

I cant stop thinking about the Deathcab for Cutie show. I'm going to rape someone.

And then after Deathcab. I'm going to LCD Soundsystem in November. Which will be am amazing show and I hope to meet people there that spark my interest. Thats my second motivation for going to shows. To look at all the beautiful people who dont live anywhere near M'boro. And I sulk in my lonelines.

But yea, I'm excited.