For the past few weeks, I've known that God's been calling me to draw closer. But I've resisted. Why would I resist Almighty God? How ridiculous. He's never been unfaithful. He's never done anything to me that wasn't for my own good. What was I afraid of?

Those refining fires mentioned in Malachi. The ones that purifying silver. Silver has to go through rounds and rounds of fires before all the impurities are wiped away. And I didn't want to go through that process, because I knew I had sin in my life. Not a "big" sin that would be make me the outcast of the church, but I was definitely clinging onto something.

As most of you already know, my granddad passed away early last month after suffering from Alheizmer's for a couple of years. That and an experience working with childer in inner-city Charleston the next week really fired me up. I was ready to live for God, I determined. I was ready to set things straight.

Of course that interest died away pretty quickly. I was good for a few days, perhaps, maybe a week, but it slowly drifted away. That sin... the pride, conceit, judgemental nature I had grown accustomed to was still there, and I wasn't honestly seeking God to take it away. Of course I asked Him to take it away, but I didn't follow through with my heart. I was afraid of the fire He might throw me into to change me.

This week has been a week of shocking news. I guess it really started just a little over a week, though, when Garrett's grandmother passed away unexpectedly. She was old, granted, but she wasn't really sick. Nothing seemed wrong. Nothing really was wrong. She just passed on quitely and peacefully in her sleep.

Monday I learned of another death that hit close to home. And then another one on Tueday. By Wednesday, I was most certainly paranoid of who else was going to die, but instead I received some other shocking news. And it was then that I realized God was saying, "Hey, wake up, time to come back to me!"

To say my prayer life has been lacking would be an understatement. It's terrible. I thought I was going to improve in June, and I did for a short time, but that began to slip my mind as well. Between a book I'm slowly reading through and all this bad news I have been receiving, I am realizing that it absolutely and totally essential for me to continously seek His counsel, because without that, I am going to fall. Romans 8 promises that, as a child of God, I am not supposed to live a life condemned to sin and death. I am to to live freely and fully. And that's the way I've felt lately.

Last night, I talked to God out loud in my car. There was so much on my heart and I had to get it all out. It felt so good to say it all aloud. And I felt like I was making a step in the right direction.

Earlier today I read Romans 8 out loud in the privacy of my room. This passage continues to be the most encouraging piece of Scripture to me. A lot of people look at it and talk about predestination, but what I see in there are God's precious promises: that we are not condemned, that there is a future glory for us, that earth is not home and we will not forever be trapped in our earthly shells, that He intercedes for us when we have no idea how to pray, that He loves us and nothing will change that.

And then I looked at Matthew 4, where it talks about the temptation of Jesus. In the first verse it says: "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil". Immediately I was taken aback. The Holy Spirit led Jesus to be tempted?! How terrible is that?! I don't associate the Holy Spirit with temptation, except when I overcome it. I never thought that he may actually lead me to a place of temptation!

And in verse two, we see that Jesus was weak with hunger because he fasted for forty days. I'm sure that if you're fasting in the desert for forty days and seriously seeking God that it's a pretty awesome worship experience, but Jesus, just like any of us, got hungry and that probably consumed His being at that time more than the awesome experience He just had. Otherwise, I don't think the Scripture would be so specific as to mention the fact that he was hungry.

But He overcame the temptation. He passed the test. And in the end, He was strengthned because of it (verse 11).

The point I'm trying to make here is that I don't know when or where temptation will come to me. I don't know what I will be tempted by before it comes to me. I don't know what to prepare for on my own. This is why I need to stay in touch with my Savior, becuase He alone can equip me for what is ahead, so that I will not be overcome by the temptations I face, but that I will find a way out.

Just a few weeks ago I got really cocky about an area of my life I have managed to do well in, which I know is really only by God's grace and strength. And I had to remember that I was capable of falling there anytime, and that's why I always have to be alert and praying. Always. I am in a constant war zone. I cannot take that lightly. I cannot afford to take that lightly. Otherwise, I'm going to end up in a really bad situation, and I'm going to ask God, "Why'd you put me here?" And He'll have to remind me that He didn't... I did.

So I'm going to try to do better. Seriously. Really. But I'm not perfect. I don't have much of a plan. I'm just going to pray more, seek Him more. But prayer and encouragment is always appreaciated, because I cannot make this work on my own. I am not strong enough. I'm still a mess. I've just told God, "Before I wasn't serious about change, but now I am. Let me know what I need to do". And now, I'm not scared that God's going to throw all sorts of scary things my way. Now I'm looking forward to what He has planned for me. And even if I have to go through the fire to get there... I know it'll be ok.