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March 16, 2008

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Writing, photography, scrapbooking, acting, singing, God, hanging out with Garrett and all my other wonderful friends, Italian food, Mexican food, brownies and most anything else chocolate, video production, music, my iPod, dancing, laughing, reading


Switchfoot, Jars of Clay, Lifehouse, Bethany Dillon, Kutless, Relient K, The Fray, Starfield, Leeland, Building 429, U2, Avril Lavigne (first two albums), The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack, no country and no rap


Pride and Prejudice, Phantom of the Opera, While You Were Sleeping, Little Women, Daddy Day Care, A Beautiful Mind, October Sky, The Majestic, The Mighty Duck movies, I Am Sam, Night at the Museum, and many more...


The Bible, Wild At Heart, Waking the Dead, A Walk To Remember, Finding Alice, Little Women, Captivating, Crime and Punishment, The Veritas Conflict, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Importance of Being Earnest

Other Website


I hate to complain, but I have to vent...


I'm just tired. 


Tired of stupidity.

Tired of busyness.

Tired of death.

Tired of life.

Tired of hurt.

Tired of rejection.

Tired of cliques.

Tired of shallowness.

Tired of fakes.

Tired of hypocrites.

Tired emotionally.

Tired physically.

Tired spiritually.

Tired of the desert I'm in.  

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Do I Laugh, Or Do I Cry?

First off, I already made a Facebook note about this, and this will end up on Facebook as well, but thanks again for all the prayers for my family. They are greatly appreciated. I would leave it at but after tonight I feel like I have to add HOWEVER...


We could still use your prayers. I'm doing alright, and my dad seems to be as well. Pray for my aunts, and my cousins, because I don't know if they know the Lord or not. Pray that they will see God through this. Papaw was a devout Catholic, but not everyone in the family shares the same kind of faith as he did. As far as I know, my dad and my mom and I are the only ones on that side faithfully attending a church.


Also, please pray for my mamaw. I was under the impression that she was not really aware (because of her demensia condition) of all that is happening (we didn't even take her to the funeral, since it was in MS and it would have been extremely difficult to take her there), but when I came home tonight my dad said something about how she's having a hard time with it. And I guess I was pretty ignorant to think that she wasn't. Though she may have short term memory loss, she remembers the long term, and she remembers him. They were married for 69 years, and he loved her unconditionally until the day he died. He devoted so much time and patience and strength to caring for her. And now she's alone. 


It's funny, tonight at AO while we were singing, I just started to pray because I knew I really needed to, and God assured me of Romans 8:28 (which Robert mentioned when he spoke) that the deaths that happened this summer are for a greater purpose. But tonight, as I sit here and think about Mamaw, I wonder how in the world this can do any good. I had sort of hoped that Mamaw would die first and Papaw shortly after, because we knew that he was only hanging on for her. But now, Mamaw is left here in a confused state. I wonder how much she'll change, and if she'll grow more distant from us. I wonder if she'll fade away quickly or slowly.  


Just when I thought I was happy and fine, I'm starting to feel burdened again. This is such a delicate matter and not an easy situation. We have to get Mamaw out of their apartment by the end of the month and we don't know where we're taking her yet. Most nursing homes have waiting lists and I'd hate for Aunt Janet to be in charge of taking care of her.


My heart just really aches for the elderly and their condition...


I'm just glad that my grandma is adjusting really well to life without Granddaddy... 


And now for another serious issue, presented in a somewhat humorous manner, though when I saw this I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry... 


Illegal Immigrants

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need go see Welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid, it keep you healthy!

By and by, Got plenty money,
Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come, fast as you can'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
In my yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
Soon we own whole neighborhood

We have hobby it called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for white man race.

If they no like us, they can go,
Got lots of room in Mexico.

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In A Moment Of Grief...

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid." -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


It's very true. Coping with the death of my second grandfather ever as well as in one short summer has proved to be fairly easy today, though it helps immensely I've been distracted. Yesterday was hard. The funeral was hard. But I know it's better this way for him. Thanks so much for those of you have been praying for me, supporting me, and encouraging me. It means so much to have such loving and caring friends. I don't know many details yet, excpet that all the services are going to Mississippi, so I'll be heading that way in the next couple of days. 

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If Only Reagan Was Still Around...

-"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans."


-"Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15. "


-"Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives."


-"I've noticed that everybody that is for abortion has already been born."


-"If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under. "


-"Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face."


-"Without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure."


 -"I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there's purpose and worth to each and every life."

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The War Zone I Live In

For the past few weeks, I've known that God's been calling me to draw closer. But I've resisted. Why would I resist Almighty God? How ridiculous. He's never been unfaithful. He's never done anything to me that wasn't for my own good. What was I afraid of?

Those refining fires mentioned in Malachi. The ones that purifying silver. Silver has to go through rounds and rounds of fires before all the impurities are wiped away. And I didn't want to go through that process, because I knew I had sin in my life. Not a "big" sin that would be make me the outcast of the church, but I was definitely clinging onto something.

As most of you already know, my granddad passed away early last month after suffering from Alheizmer's for a couple of years. That and an experience working with childer in inner-city Charleston the next week really fired me up. I was ready to live for God, I determined. I was ready to set things straight.

Of course that interest died away pretty quickly. I was good for a few days, perhaps, maybe a week, but it slowly drifted away. That sin... the pride, conceit, judgemental nature I had grown accustomed to was still there, and I wasn't honestly seeking God to take it away. Of course I asked Him to take it away, but I didn't follow through with my heart. I was afraid of the fire He might throw me into to change me.

This week has been a week of shocking news. I guess it really started just a little over a week, though, when Garrett's grandmother passed away unexpectedly. She was old, granted, but she wasn't really sick. Nothing seemed wrong. Nothing really was wrong. She just passed on quitely and peacefully in her sleep.

Monday I learned of another death that hit close to home. And then another one on Tueday. By Wednesday, I was most certainly paranoid of who else was going to die, but instead I received some other shocking news. And it was then that I realized God was saying, "Hey, wake up, time to come back to me!"

To say my prayer life has been lacking would be an understatement. It's terrible. I thought I was going to improve in June, and I did for a short time, but that began to slip my mind as well. Between a book I'm slowly reading through and all this bad news I have been receiving, I am realizing that it absolutely and totally essential for me to continously seek His counsel, because without that, I am going to fall. Romans 8 promises that, as a child of God, I am not supposed to live a life condemned to sin and death. I am to to live freely and fully. And that's the way I've felt lately.

Last night, I talked to God out loud in my car. There was so much on my heart and I had to get it all out. It felt so good to say it all aloud. And I felt like I was making a step in the right direction.

Earlier today I read Romans 8 out loud in the privacy of my room. This passage continues to be the most encouraging piece of Scripture to me. A lot of people look at it and talk about predestination, but what I see in there are God's precious promises: that we are not condemned, that there is a future glory for us, that earth is not home and we will not forever be trapped in our earthly shells, that He intercedes for us when we have no idea how to pray, that He loves us and nothing will change that.

And then I looked at Matthew 4, where it talks about the temptation of Jesus. In the first verse it says: "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil". Immediately I was taken aback. The Holy Spirit led Jesus to be tempted?! How terrible is that?! I don't associate the Holy Spirit with temptation, except when I overcome it. I never thought that he may actually lead me to a place of temptation!

And in verse two, we see that Jesus was weak with hunger because he fasted for forty days. I'm sure that if you're fasting in the desert for forty days and seriously seeking God that it's a pretty awesome worship experience, but Jesus, just like any of us, got hungry and that probably consumed His being at that time more than the awesome experience He just had. Otherwise, I don't think the Scripture would be so specific as to mention the fact that he was hungry.

But He overcame the temptation. He passed the test. And in the end, He was strengthned because of it (verse 11).

The point I'm trying to make here is that I don't know when or where temptation will come to me. I don't know what I will be tempted by before it comes to me. I don't know what to prepare for on my own. This is why I need to stay in touch with my Savior, becuase He alone can equip me for what is ahead, so that I will not be overcome by the temptations I face, but that I will find a way out.

Just a few weeks ago I got really cocky about an area of my life I have managed to do well in, which I know is really only by God's grace and strength. And I had to remember that I was capable of falling there anytime, and that's why I always have to be alert and praying. Always. I am in a constant war zone. I cannot take that lightly. I cannot afford to take that lightly. Otherwise, I'm going to end up in a really bad situation, and I'm going to ask God, "Why'd you put me here?" And He'll have to remind me that He didn't... I did.

So I'm going to try to do better. Seriously. Really. But I'm not perfect. I don't have much of a plan. I'm just going to pray more, seek Him more. But prayer and encouragment is always appreaciated, because I cannot make this work on my own. I am not strong enough. I'm still a mess. I've just told God, "Before I wasn't serious about change, but now I am. Let me know what I need to do". And now, I'm not scared that God's going to throw all sorts of scary things my way. Now I'm looking forward to what He has planned for me. And even if I have to go through the fire to get there... I know it'll be ok.
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