so she's not going out with the same Tyler i liked. that's hilarious. it was all one big freakin misunderstanding. i'm still retarded, but just for different reasons. ha. but, the thing is, i completely got over it. so now everythings all peachy. plus, i lost 6 pounds, and counting! i'm just doing it so that i might have hope of finding a dress for formal..if i even go. i can't even think of anyone to go with. and i'm not going alone. and if i ask the person, am i supposed to pay for everything? i have no idea...but i prollie won't even find a date. w/e. i just don't even care anymore. i'm totally expending all of my energy and hopes on crap that totally does not matter. gosh. i'm such a girl. but i like it that way. love you guys. --Cari

Isn't it ironic? a little too ironic...my life is freakin hilarious. it's like a movie. i hate it sometimes, but i guess if i can just look at it differently, i'll find it rather entertaining. i feel like a retard. it's funny how things make me upset when i don't understand the reasons why, but once it all comes together, i see what was in the works, and i laugh at myself. school was weird today. wrote a note about the person i liked (past tense) to his future and present (it's complicated...i didn't know they were dating as of today..) girlfriend. hardy har. but, now i'm just happy for them and i don't like him anymore. and i think we could be good friends. They make a better match anyways. as long as he's not dating this other girl, i'm fine. but i do wish i had a boyfriend still to talk these things over with. or even a best friend...

"The Lord knows that this world is cruel
I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you..." ---how true


---no one leaves me comments...i'm not feelin the love, guys.

i miss Bruce.

why, oh why, can't i ever have someone who feels the same way for me as i do for them...
am i just completely unattractive...don't answer that...i really like him, and he just doesn't even get it.

**EDIT** --- ya know, God is neat. My friend completely turned my night around. and i know that that was just God. so yeah. that's cool. it'll kinda suck to go to school tomorrow and see him, but i'll just keep my friend's words in the back of my mind. someone in this world does think i'm beautiful. besides Jesus.

songs say it so much better....


"Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end..." this is the story of my life...

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to life me up again

i'm losing all faith in humanity. i hate growing up.

"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" --Jack Johnson

Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs

The Lord knows that this world is cruel
I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting, waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool

I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn't worth never having you

Maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool

I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then you shooting me down
But I'm already down

Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting

Well, if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wonder why'd it taken me so long

But the Lord knows that I'm not you
And if I was, I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waitin' on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting, waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool

No, I can't I always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool

"Do you wanna see somethin really scary?"...hardy har...so, i'm feelin a little better about the whole thing. which is good. i woke up at noon today, which blows, cause i'm gonna feel like shiz tomorrow. oh well. i have a meeting tomorrow as well. oh boy. hey, for a laugh, here's my pledge letter---

Dear Whitney,

Hi! My name is Cari Jennings, and I am a Delta Beta Sigma Pledge. I go to Oakland High School in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where I am in Chamber Choir, President of the sophomore class, and a participant in many other clubs and activities. I attend Belle Aire Baptist church, where I am on the leadership team in my youth group. I also work as an intern there after school. I am so excited about being a part of Delta Beta Sigma! I love this group of girls, and am so honored to be chosen for such an opportunity! Rush Night and Rush Week were tons of fun, and I can’t wait to participate in more activities and charity work in the future. I’m sure that these will be some of the best years of my life, and I know that Delta Beta Sigma will be a big part of that! Thanks for all you do!

Love in DBS,
Cari

i think maybe i should beaten severly with a rock. ha. well, formal better be the highlight of my life, because if it's not, i think maybe i will have to die. i'm still not completely sure who should take with me, if anyone would ever go with me, that is. any suggestions? if you have some, please let me know, cause i can't really think of anyone. i had a dream that me and jared were dating, and he got hit by a semi. i think that dream was the combination of watching Final Destination and seeing him at the game last night. hardy har. tomorrow is my member/sponsor test, so i guess i better study up...seizure later. love in DBS--kidding....--cari

song du jour -- Follow Through by Gavin DeGraw

i just don't love some of the people at oakland. i just don't enjoy being made to feel self-conscious or angry over nothing. apparently i'm "rude". but i really don't even care. what am i saying...i do care...but i just hate it when the law applies to me, but not others, and when people are mean just because they can be. but anyways, yes Oakland lost. how sad. we can't talk smack anymore. i think maybe i made jared a little mad, which is funny, because i'm not sure what i did. Thomas is my hero. and Kaitlin as well...kaitlin made me feel much better about the whole encounter. so she gets 5 sunshines. ha. maybe DBS is not right for me after all. maybe i'm not subservient enough. maybe i have too much of a brain...i guess i shouldn't say that. i do like it. but i guess tonight was just a bad experience. but anyways, i'm still in "like" with this person. which is fun. i think i finally came to the realization tonight that nothing is ever going to happen w/ me and this guy, so that was good i guess. it was a little strange, but i'm just glad to be over it. well, i guess that's all for tonight. and by the way, if all of you Siegel people really have class, then don't gloat about your victory so much. be decent winners, and don't offend other people, and most of all, don't forget where you came from...

song du jour: Because I Got High ---j/k.
New Deep --- John Mayer

so, i guess it's great and all that Satan hates me and is attacking me with every move i make, butcha know....whatever. that just means i'm doing something right. so i'm glad. actually had a really good/short quiet time this morning. got to sleep in too, because i felt muchos sick-os. migraines = no fun. so i got to miss Biology. then, this whole big dealio happened with Jenny calling the school and posing as my father. weird...i dunno why she did that...it scared me to death and caused mass confusion. but we had fun @ Party City and Target yesterday. i'm loving the whole school thing. had a happy funtime meeting after school. yay for Oakland. i can't wait for the game tomorrow night. so. getting "moo-ed" at in the hallway is not fun. and being called "one of them big girls" make me want to kill things. i just went to english class and cried. this was after being assigned more freakin write-offs by Mrs. Petrone. but at least this time i actually deserved it. and a bunch of other people got them too, so it wasn't as bad. i think certain people i know are very creepy. i also think i'm in love. but what's more, i think Corey sucks sometimes. i hate liars and people with double standards. gosh....anyways, i love you guys. ha. bye for now.

talk (as a verb) is-- 1. a.) to put ideas into, or exchange ideas by, spoken words; speak; converse b.) to express something in words; make a statement 2. to express ideas by speech substitutes 3. to speak emptily or trivially; chatter 4. to gossip 5. to confer; consult 6. to make noises suggestive of speech 7. to reveal secret information; exp. to confess or inform on someone 8. to make a speech, esp. an informal one 9. to put into spoken words; utter 10. to use in speaking 11. to speak about 12. to put into a specified condition, state of mind.
(write-offs are fun...if you're into, like, root canals and the like...)

so, tonight, i went to help Kelsey and BJ remodel the youth room. for one thing, we didn't get freaking anything done. i'm sure BJ is still there working his bum off...how sad...i had to leave...i had to finish my homework...poo. but anyways, it pretty much amounted to Kelsey and I going to Lowe's for wood, spray paint, and other random stuff. and then we went to target for rope lights, but for some reason, they don't have any...retards...nayways, we then proceeded to wendy's to order off the dollar menu, because we had a combined 6 whopping dollars. then, once we finally got back, BJ accidentally peeled off a bunch of the paint on the metal thingies, so he sent us off to Wal-Mart for spray-on primer with his credit card. kelsey and i weighed the pros and cons of credit card fraud and buying a box of chicken, a blow-dryer, and a box of chocolates, and then decided not to. all in all, i would consider it a pretty good night.
song du jour---"Banana Pancakes" --Jack Johnson

p.s.--i'm gonna look retarded tomorrow at school...oh what i go through for Delta Beta Sigma...

p.p.s.---quote of the day--- "plucked his eyebrows on the way, shaved his legs and then he was a she..."--Lou Reed

nothing bad happened at my house...::counting blessings::...so, life is aight these days. 3 cheers for a day with no choir! j/k. i got the solo! thankfully i don't have to wear a prom dress this time...hardy har. instead i get to be extremely white, and sing part of Oh Happy Day....ha. nayways, school yesterday was pretty good. Nick sounds like a Mexican in Spanish. Kinda like the guys on the Mexican channel. nayways, um...i had an extra day to do my ever so comprehensive history worksheet, and all of my algebra. i guess i'll just be a nerd and do homework all day...but also, i rented Final Destination last night. i hope it's good. i can't believe all these movies i've never seen...so i actually started doing my quiet time again... but God's been gving me all these verses about wisdom, knowledge, and leadership...hmmm...i wonder...so, this is something that's been weighing on my mind lately. we were watching this video in Biology, and it was about the worldwide overpopulation problem. so like, there was a lot of scenes of dead/dying children, illegal abortion, and things like that. and i've always thought that it would be wrong to go overseas and pass out birth control, but that video really made me think. now granted, it was plenty biased, and i recognize that, so i'm not being blindly led into new opinions. i still oppose abortion, too. but i just can't find anything in the bible that says that birth control (preventative) is unacceptable...and i got a lot of flack from certain people for saying so...so, any thoughts? if someone knows of or finds anything about it in the Bible, let me know...i dunno why random stuff like this bothers me, but it does..who knows...
Cari

song du jour-- "Good People"-- Jack Johnson

ahhhhhhhhhhh...leadership retreat was so much fun. rachael meyer is the love of my life and i could not live with out her...but seriously, we did have a lot of fun and a little bit of an emo talk...but those are the best kinds... ...brian king is filarious, as well as Elizabeth Duncan, Chris Madison, and Ben Yeargan....omg... i laughed until i couldn't breathe....alex lewis made up the ever so politically correct name "Gayfer McGaygay" along with Hoey McHoho, Fatty McFatfat, and
Faggy McFagfag..as well as claiming that he and Ben are "Gay for Jesus" which is funny in an extremely sacreligious sorta way...lord have mercy....fun times. watched Mean Girls again last night...i forget how funny that movie is.. Kevin G. is my lover....and also, i watched Phantom of the Opera...for storey.."CAH! CAH CAH CAH CAH! Why you alwaysasprayamahchin?"...man. and for some reason, the food was really good too. i'm excited about getting to help head up the prayer team. woot woot. chris madison is freakin hilarious..." i got Chi-ed, and, um...lots of other stuff that i'm too tired to write right now...man...i love my church...

so i'm just hangin out watchin Dora the Explorer with my little brother...she's currently singing "we did it" with her monkey...and my brother proceeds to say "we did it for my monkey's birthday.."....oh what a twisted world i live in...poor cameron's gonna be completely tainted by the time he's six. he already created his original song "Wine, Blood and Booty"....good lord...nayways, OHS got spanked last night...and that's extra sad because the Franklin players were kinda retarded. speaking of retarded, C.D. (you know who i'm talkin bout) runs like a retarded veloceraptor...how sad...oh well. he's still beautimous...anyways, last night was still great. everyone wearing their Oakland power shirts...i think maybe i have a freshman stalker...which is nice...i guess? j/k...he's filarious (new word i made up with Abby). Abby gave me gangsta hair last night...ha... and i ate some really sucky $2.00 nachos....poop...nayways...um, let's see...i think maybe i really like this guy...but i honestly doubt anything will come of it, and if it did, certain people would hate me, so i guess it's best to just get over it. football games are the stuff...and i love my school. that's about all i can say. bye guys ::snort::
Cari

song du jour: "peas and milk" by abby donnell and cari jennings.

so. guess who i get partnered and seated with in Spanish....yep, you guessed it. man...so much pretty-ness...nayways, my mom brought me Far East today for lunch, so she goes on my "Freakin Awesome" list. we started choreography today in choir. man...so sad. so i heart school. and i heart someone else now. like, cloudy is beautiful and all, but i really think i'm kind of attracted to this other guy. yay rah. i didn't get nominated for homecoming attendant...and storey did again! what the crap? that confuses me. well, i gotta go. i is muchos busy-os. j/k...i do speak better Spanish than that. bye guys...Cari

Song of the Day---"One Headlight" by the Wallflowers (Jacob Dylan is the sex...hardy har...)

p.s----i love this song "Carrying Cathy" by Ben Folds

"Her window was hung like a painting
She worried it might come to life
She stared for hours
So obsessed was I and self-absorbed that I
Didn't see that she was
Crying

There was always someone carrying
There was always someone carrying
Always someone's carrying Cathy

There were times when I'd find myself saying that:
"Friends, you don't understand"
And she's different when it's just me and her, and I
Closed the door and I tried to hang on and she
Sank into the dark
I was over my head

There was always someone carrying
There was always someone carrying
Always someone's carrying Cathy

We gave you everything
You could have been anything
We gave you everything
You could have done anything

But to imagine a fall
With no one at all to catch you
There'd always been someone

Then one night she climbed into the picture frame
Out in the frozen air
And out of sight

Woke up sad from this dream I've been having
The last couple nights or so
With her father and brothers we're all at the funeral
Carrying a box through the rain
Then somebody says that it's always been this way

Always someone's carrying
There was always someone carrying
Always someone's carrying Cathy"

"life's like an hourglass glued to the table"
man. so today i straightened my hair...who knew what a response it would provoke? there was a collective gasp when i walked into Biology today. woot for me. i love my hair straight. but then came 5th period. Mrs. Petrone ate my lunch. and i cried. and i almost quit choir. but then, i very calmly and cooly explained myself, and i got out of trouble. and i hope things will be different from now on. anyways, i heart Spanish class. and i can't wait for formal. but i hate it when my friends are douche bags. not cool. but anyways, church tonight, which is always a good thing. my mom baked me chocolate chip cookies when i got home, so that made my day a little better. but all i can say as a summary of my day is praise God for struggles. for once in my life, He tested me, and i passed with flying colors. so i am uber-excited about the game friday night. i loves me some football games...or maybe just watching certain people play...but that's beside the point. i love school. and i love english. and Tyler Tsoumbos is my saving grace. if it weren't for him, i think maybe i would go insane. he always cheers me up after choir. so three cheers for Tyler. so. yeah. that's about it.---Cari

p.s.--Quote of the Day: (in Spanish class) "Before you marry, look at what you're doing..." think on it for a bit.

p.p.s--- "do not put puffy plush peeps in your mouth, young lady..."

Kelsey Caffy: "De donde eres?" (Where are you from?)
Daniel Kimbell: "Tus pantalones." (your pants...)

i love school...

i don't think i have ever been this anxious to go back to school tomorrow. i think maybe i'm losing my mind just a little bit. speaking of insanity...today was my first ever Delta Beta Sigma meeting. wow. i felt like an ugly fish in a gorgeous pond. but i'm still excited. god...i have so much crap to do. between student council, DBS, school, and church, i barely have time to breathe. but i guess i can juggle them all. but gosh...i can't wait to go back to school tomorrow. woot woot. i heart OHS. grief is weird. i don't like it. no fun. Anna Nalick is the shiz. i think i'm going to try out for Varsity Cheerleading. ha. yeah, i would look great in those uniforms. no spankies for Cari, thanks. so, i have a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. thus is the reason my thoughts are so erratic (not erotic, as my friends thought is said the other day). anyways, i'm at this stage in my grieving process where smells and songs affect me the most. i don't understand the smell thing. but certain scents just release a catharsis of memories and make me cry. weird, huh? Rufus Wainwright is also the shiz. random thoughts. may i just say, that i love a lot of the people at my church. also. my cousin makes me sad sometimes. my mind is in crazy mode right now. like, i seriously can't even keep one thought in my head for an extended period of time. man. something is wrong with me. well, i guess maybe i'll write more later when i'm not going insane.

holy crap. you know, i really love Oakland. and i never thought i'd say that. but you know what's getting old? being criticized. i've been getting crap from people all week about being so involved this year in school and other stuff. especially Delta Beta Sigma. i'm really getting tired of people who don't even know what they are talking about criticizing me for being a pledge...gosh... and so many people think i'm selling out because i'm President, and i'm in a bunch of clubs, and all these other things. i'm so tired of being told that i'm a sell-out or that i'm shallow now just because i happen to be well-rounded and happy. gah...some people just suck. so i went to the OHS-BHS football game last night at Blackman. fun times X 3. i saw the whole McFadden posse. (Bridgett, Norrisha, Logan, Britt, and a few others...) plus like, a bunch of my friends were there. and i loves me some band kids. except for this one little freshman jerk...grrr....anyways. Oakland was spanking Blackman when i left, so YAY FOR OHS!! i was trying my hardest to find cloudy day...but it wasn't workin out. but that's ok. maaaaann....i love OHS games days....and that's all i have to say about that. oh yeah, so i'm just hanging out at the game last night, and a bunch of Delta Beta Sigma (i'm not allowed to abbreviate) members were there. so freakin Brittany comes up to me and taylor, and is like, "you guys really need to go up to all the members again and ask them if they want candy." and i already had once that night, but she stayed on my butt about it the whole time, so i went back, and then freakin none of them gave me any sunshines! poop on them. and then Liz told me i needed to wear my pin. grrrrr.....nayways... i am in love with all of my classes this year. Biology is great, but i think i'm gonna fail. all i do is stare at people. algebra 2 is the shiz. so here is the crowning moment of the year.
Kaitlin Beck: (whispering really loudly in a completely silent room) " Hey Cari! Do you have any feminine hygene products?"
Me: "No..."
Kaitlin: "Damn... Hey Milly! Do you have any feminine hygene products?"
Milly: "No..."
Kaitlin: "Damn..."
and then, this freshman kid that we call Moonpie says, "Hey Patrick.." and the room freakin explodes in laughter. he definitely wins the "Coolest Freshman of the Year" award. so anyways. then i have history, which is all freshman...and there's this one who said hi to me everytime i was within 100 feet of him....gosh...it's a pretty good class. then i have espanol...which is great, but i'm gonna fail because i stare at people...ug. then i have choir...which is freakin hilarious. we're all so white. and last, but certainly not least is english, which i love, even though i have sit beside Allison Murphy. but that's ok. i'll be nice. but i also sit behind Tyler, and in front of Milly, and Kaitlin, and near Matt G. so all is well with my world. today is the 1 year anniversary. i'm a little perturbed by all these people going to the Cherry Tree today for the concert. like, i understand people going to the concert that didn't know him, but most of the people he was really close to are going. even Cory. but who knows. maybe that's how they deal with it. but it's rather strange that the first thing i thought of when i woke up was that day. i really miss him you guys. and i know i say that all the time. but yesterday was killer. thankfully, i don't get picked up at the annex anymore. that would have been way too hard. and i'm so glad that the game was an away game. but i just hate the fact that only a year ago, he was here. and i still had a best friend. gosh. well, i better quit talking about it before i work myself into a frenzy. overall it's been a good week. so i guess i should count my blessings. love you guys.---Cari

just kidding. ah yes, so today was the mother-daughter tea @ the Country Club. hardy har. so, this woman talked for at least 10 years. but seriously, like an hour. and i almost died. it was bad enough that she talked about the beginnings of DBS, but then she went into an oration on how "since 1933, the price of jeweled pins has gone up significantly...." and how if you resign from DBS, you have to give back your pin and all that jazz. or else they chop off your fingers and make you stay in the Country Club dungeon (it's underneath the pool). i felt like such an uncouth retard sitting there laughing my bum off, (quietly of course), but she was too hysterical for words. but i really did have a good time. they had fondue, which was funny to me for some reason. tomorrow is mucho busy-o. i have school first yo, then i gots ta go to el orthadontist-o. then, i'm going to Penn Station with Kelsey and the gang, and after that, i'm going to Oath Night @ Stroop's house. woot woot. i'm pretty excited about tomorrow. and then i have Bible study on tuesday, which is always good. so i overall Rush week has been pretty fun. i'm not nervous at all about DBS anymore. it's all good. well, i gotta go. but i'll talk more later. word.

*edit*---props to Nelson for the profile pic

and gangsters...and Mexicans. i only have one class in the annex. tears. so hurr is mah skegyouel as follows.

1st period = Biology, w/ ABBY! and Storey, and William, and Chase, and Nick, and Jaco, and Roger "Man, where ya locka aaa" Arounyadeth (i think that's how you spell it).

2nd period = Algebra II Advanced Honors, with Kaitlin, Jenny, Taylor, Stuart, Matt, Joey, and a few others.

3rd = World History Honors, with all freakin freshman. nerdy weird freshman that like Evanescence. god.

4th = Honors Spanish II = Anita is in this one! as well as Will, Nick, and a bunch of others.

5th = Chamber Choir...oh boy...it's tiny this year.

6th = English II Advanced Honors ...i think Mr Davis just might be one of my favorite teachers. dialogue of the day...
(Mr D) "I'm very different from mrs. persons"
(Me) "Well you're obviously not a woman..."
(Mr D) "But how do you know i'm not in touch with my feminine side?"
(Me) "Well i wouldn't think so..."
(Mr D) "Well, if there is a woman in me, it's a very angry lesbian with PMS and a handgun."

wow. i love this guy. so anyways, all is well with my schedule so far as i can see. i'm excited too because everyone knew my name because i'm EL PRESIDENTE!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*edit*---- Tonight was the DBS dance @ The Natl. Guard Armory. The ho patrol was out in full force. but i had a good time. the DJ was singing along with all the songs, and he was white, middle-aged, fat, and balding...hardy har...pretty sure that the "Baby Got Back" video made my night. and i had a good time being a horrible dancer with Kelsey and all the rest of 'em. fun times.