so tonight after play practice, i went w/ Sarah, Katie, and Stroop to Blue Coast Burrito. Es muy bueno. man, queso is good. but too expensive. nayways, had fun you guys! i mistook a black lady for my mom. that was fun. tonight was possibly the funniest practice yet. i was in the middle of this "moment" with Matt in the play, and all of the sudden, this one girl let's out this insane retard laugh/war-whoop when she was supposed to daintily giggle...and if you knew her, you'd laugh too. gah. i love school. i revoke my statement about ppl sucking. i love ppl. i was just disappointed. so, no ppl don't suck. i love you all. school itsself was aight, i guess. i was really sleepy, so that didn't help. i'm actually starting to understand algebra again, so that's good. and man, dontcha hate it when a friend completely changes (or so you think) but then goes back to being a douche-bag, just when you get your hopes up? oh well...life is like a box of carrots...long, orange, and kinda pointless. hardy har. i think the queso has gone to my brain. oh yeah, by the way...I'MMA BE SIXTAYN ON WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but alas, with no car. oh well. life is still good. well. i guess i gotta go do el work-o de algebra-o. SEACREST, OUT! ----Cari 

don't you just love it when people who are supposed to Christians, even Christian leaders totally let you down? don't you just love doubletalk and double standards? don't you just love LIARS AND FAKES? anyways. thus is my rant du jour. church was really good today. and i'm doin a lot better. Mr Tackett agreed to sponsor me for Model UN conference, so i get to go! yay. i definitely didn't get into Key Club...oh well. more play practice tomorrow. should be fun. i'mma be SIXTAYN on WEDNESDAY! BUY MY PRESENTS! j/k. as long as you tell me happy birthday. i'mma goin to Jason mraz on friday! WOOOOOOOOOT! Christmas time's a'comin...i'm excited as a mug. so yeah. life's good....if only i had a boyfriend.....oh well. someday...much love--Cari

I'MMA BE SIXTAYN ON THE 7TH! WOOOT! and to top it all off, i'mma goin with the Abby to see JASON-FREAKIN-MRAZ! i think maybe i should just melt. so today was the first run-through of "The Boy Friend". Our school play is gonna be hysterical. I'm "Madame Dubonnet"...a crazy old french woman...and i get to get married to Matt Goodman...hardy har. so, i'm thinkin that SON-IN-LAW is the best movie ever. Pauly Shore is sickening in some movies...but in this one, wow. he's great. i haven't laughed this hard at a movie in forever. nayways, just thought i'd give you all an update. yay rah. muchos love--Cari

ha. everytime i feel like i'm on my last leg, God comes through. it's always when i'm at the end of my rope. if you wanna see what i'm talkin about, read the entry below. but God totally revealed Himself to me tonight. and i come away with some truths that i can never forget. it really is amazing how much God loves me. and all of us. God LOVES ME! He is not a God of condemnation. He is not a God of confusion. That's satan. OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's all too much to completely share on this blog right now. but ask me about it sometime. because i'll be more than happy to tell ya. THANK YOU JESUS FOR YOUR REDEEMING POWER! THANK YOU! He answers prayer, too. All that i can even bring myself to say is thank you. I love You. More than words can say. much love to all of you.---Cari

Song of the Day: "Our God Is An Awesome God!"

so i really don't know what's been wrong with me lately. but it almost seems like i don't want to admit that anything's been wrong because that makes it real. i've just been really depressed and worried and just making up awful hypothetical situations for no reason. like, i feel like i've been mentally ill. but i also really feel like it's just Satan stealing all of my joy. like, just when i start to feel like i'm gettin better, i start thinkin again, and i get all freaked out again. like, anxiety attacks. and i just don't get it. and right around the holidays too. i'm so weird. but like, everything's going really well for me lately. like, i made the cast for the play. we'll see how that goes. and i just find myself thinking so much about myself, or others (like my mom) dying all the time, and i just don't get it. it's freakin me out. and i just never can seem to be completely happy. and like, doubting my salvation and stuff. it's been going on for about a solid week now. i don't even know what's wrong with me. in wednesday i went to go see Rent. big mistake. not only is it depressing as crap, it was so offensive that me and Laura Beth walked out in the middle of it. Just utter sin. a lot of talent, but not worth it enough to stay and watch all of it. it was just like everyone had AIDS, and was addicted to crack, and was gay. just didn't appeal to me. anyways. i just need alot of prayer right now. thanks guys.  alot. much love---Cari

ahh well. i am so psyched that i even got anything at all...because my audition went so terrible. and i'm not even doing that whole, "i'm so good, but to be modest i'll say i'm really not.." I DID AWFUL. i was sick as a mo-fo, and it was hard. i got so nervous, and  i didn't even sound like me. but at least i got midstate....maybe next year. anyways. congrats to all who got All-State! yay for Mary Lauren....also, i just got home from the DBS Constitution test...i only missed 1!!!!! OMG! i am definately the best pledge ever! ha. kidding. so now i am a neophyte...(sounds dirty)...that's a DBS-er who's finished her pledge requirements and hasn't been initiated. after tomorrow it will all be over. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! i am seriously gonna burn my candy bag. ha. yay for the black and gold indeed. Mary Lauren has an amazing house....i was definitely there for 6 hours...4 of which i was studying/testing...yes it's that serious....anyways. yay. this has been a good weekend. oh yeah. funny story, so i had play auditions on monday, and i left my DBS bag in the E hall @ OHS. biiiiiiig mistake. Britny Bryant found it in the D Hall girls bathroom, emptied out. what i don't get, is that this girl left my wallet, but took my make-up bag....ppl are random. and ghetto. oh well. such is oakland. pretty sure i'm done being president. i don't know that i'll run next year. besides, i don't like Mr. McClellan very much. also, i think i may be slowly sinking under in Algebra 2. anyways. life is good. yay rah. Seacrest, out...

---Cari

 pretty sure we were at the church's thanksgiving service, and this guy from a predominately black church was there....gosh he was awesome. he kept screamin out GLORAAY! when ever Bro. Dean said something. it was great. dontcha love it when teachers suck? j/k. teachers make me laugh. i really hope i get into Governor's School....but i doubt it. i also doubt i'll get a part in the play. not to be negative. i just can't act. and i accept that. but at least i can sing. oh well. life's good. people are frustrating. no church for 2 weeks. no es bueno. feel like i haven't been in eternity. fall makes me miss bruce. a lot. i dunno why it's such a melancholy season. but it is. and i miss him. i got bored in history, and i was thinkin about him, so i was just writing and i wrote him a letter. and that made me even more sad. so i quit. who knows. yesterday was ABBY'S BIRTHDAY! yay for being 16...MINE IS ON THE 7TH! woot. i'mma be SIXTAYN! and with no car. i've started exercising again. i'm gonna get skinny if it kills me. and o am gonna go to formal. but i dunno if i wanna go with him anymore. maybe someone else. who knows. we shall see...watched Law and Order SVU and the girl on the show was just like this girl i know...weird. well, school's goin alright. i don't think i'm gonna be able to do anything for the pep rally on friday. i'm such a bad president. but not really. i'm actually a very good president. oh well.

1st p.- Did nothing in Bio. Miss Chastain is so cool.

2nd p.-went to spectrum. mrs simmons is gonna eat my lunch tomorrow.

3rd p.-history...it's gettin better. we're talkin about Rome, so....i guess that's cool (?)

4th p.-sub in Espanol...so that's always fun. at least she wasn't an angry old Canadian man...eh?

5th p.-choir...got in trouble, but not really. just for stickin up for Sarah Walls, as a reflex.

6th p.-english was actually fun today. we read a really good story called "Everyday Use". yay

muchos amor--Carius Maximus

so. overall, today has been pretty darn good. kinda blah, but nice. school tends to be a bit disheartening. but that's ok. i'm really starting to like school. like, i even kinda enjoy my classes. I'm already involved in more clubs, like Model U.N. and applied for Key Club. but i don't know if i got in yet. i'm really excited about how my life's going right now. i'm still working on some things, but i am really growing. now all i need is to lose 80 pounds and i'll be fine. j/k. pretty sure life can be sxtra ironic sometimes. Fall Retreat was kinda that way for me. oh the lost opportunities. but even in the so-called lost opportunities, i can see that God protected me in those times. And the irony actually boosted my self-esteem. so after next Sunday, i will officially be a Delta Beta Sigma member, if i can just pass the dern Constitution test. but i'm really excited about the fact that it is almost over. Basketball season is about to start, which is fun. i miss friday night football, but w/e. my double detention was pretty freakin hilarious. like for instance, i'm sittin in there, and there's this one kid who keeps mouthin off to the teachers. now normally, i would just find that annoying. but the teacher is not a very nice lady, so it was pretty funny. so she told this kid that if he made one more sound, she would kick him out, which means another detention. so right as she turned around, he went "AAAAHHHH" and we all started dying laughing. it was great. but i never felt more outta place. oh well. Bruce has really been on my mind lately. i dunno why. i think maybe it's just the Fall-ness. and the fact the me and this guy have become good friends kinda reminds me of him alot. So like yeah. life's goin aight. i'm currently babysitting the most awesome kids in the world, Alyssa, Travis, and baby Clayton, whom i LOVE! they are all so cool and sweet...such a breath of fresh air from the other kids i babysit. it kinda makes me laugh to think of what a nerd i am. my friday night is spent eating dinner w/ my family, doing laundry, and then babysitting. alot of my friends are out drinking. but i relish my nerd-dom. at least i don't have any regrets. anyways. yeah. i'm feelin good. much love to all of you! ---Cari

Song of the Day: "Heard Em Say" --Kanye West

p.s.---Anita burned me the new Kanye West CD, Late Registration, and i love it...i only wish it were edited....Quote of the Day: "Hmm, remember that?
Eating all of our cereal with forks because we wanted to save the milk, do you remember that? Hmm? Do you remember all those Christmases when your Mama walked in the room and pretended she was the tree, huh? Remember that?" ---Skit #3 --Kanye... dang....i love my school.

7 things i can do:

sleep. play the piano. rock out to some RHCP. talk (a lot). my own laundry. make it through a day on 1 hour of sleep. balance school, church, DBS, and everything else precariously.

7 things i can't do:

be quiet. sit still. miss an episode of L&O:SVU. eat olives. according to Jolbert Beal, cook (i so can). stay mad for an extremely long time. run. dance.

7 things i wanna do before i die:

see the world. actually do the breathtaker swing at New Frontiers. climb a mountain and not lose my breath. go to prom. lead 100 people to Christ. get married. have 6 kids.

7 attractive qualities:

black hair (natural). blue eyes. "Bruce hands". musically talented. good taste in music. Christian. and a buncha other stuff that doesn't fit into a number.

so. life's aight. school's doin better, and i really hope i get accepted into Key Club. tomorrow and Sunday is the Fall Retreat, and it's gonna be fun as a mug. my new favorite word is "megatater" as established by my mom at Fat Mo's. i love the people that work there. silly cussing iraqis. me gusta la clase de espanol. so yeah.   haven't done this in a while. here's a synopsis of my day.

1st period--Bio--got a freakin 86 on a test that i didn't even get to study for. boy am i proud. i pretty much like that class.

2nd period--Alg. II--Mrs. Simmons is so sweet. i like that class ok. it's just kinda boring. but i'm doin pretty good. nothing too exciting today.

3rd period--History--had one mother of a test today. I really don't care what Aristotle believed or how The Clouds affected Socrates. but it's sorta interesting.

4th period--Spanish II--not much fun today. but w/e.

5th period--Chamber Choir-- i really like the songs were currently doing. Storey and i mouthed things across the room to each other. that's about it.

6th period--English II--i like mr. davis ok..he's a bit sarcastic for my taste. but oh well. the class i ok.

i'm currently watching Dateline. fun times. well, i guess i should go start packing. muchos love-os. ----Carito-Cheeto 

man. that made my year. Kurt Simmons is my new hero. poor kid. i can't believe that they put him in juvi....at least he left his undies on. i swear. that was great. so last night i got to see Morgan Swoape, which was awesome. i haven't seen her in about a million years. i also saw Analisa and Zach, plus a few others. the game sucked, so i left after Kurt streaked...it was worth the $5 just to see that. anyways, i'm really proud of myself this week. i've gone the entire week curse-free and i've really been working on the whle negativity/sarcasm thing. i'm really excited about the direction my life is starting to turn. i'm mega-excited about Fall Retreat. yay rah. i think Thursday was the worst day i've had since Bruce died. it was the day of the powderpuff football, and i was stressed out as crap. firstly, people were yelling at me left and right about shirts, cans, and all other crap. then jenny didn't even have a shirt for me. so later i had to miss Mr Huffman's class, knowing he was gonna be mad on monday and yell at me. then Mr McClellan made me buy a ticket, even though i came to almost every practice and helped to do everything, and am the freakin president. then, i was using Germani's cell to call my mom to come to the game, and Mr. Scudder saw me, and started screaming (yes, screaming) at me to get off that phone, because how dare i break the rules and use the school's time and yadda yadda yadda...he wasn't gonna confiscate it, but Mrs. Snell butted in and did. So now, Germani and i both have double detention. and i felt awful. so i went into the bathroom and just started bawling crying. i haven't cried that hard in so long. but the thing is, it that i saw it coming. because of the way my life's been going, and how God is revealing Himself to me, i knew that Thursday would probably be the day that Satan would just attack me full force. and this time, i made it through, w/out cursing, w/out giving up, and w/out losing faith. i'm so excited about this new phase in my life. as Clint said, i really feel like i'm getting my "missionary eyes". anyways, yeah. i'm lovin life. congrats to Nathan and Rachael (Moore) ...God really does write the best love stories...can't wait til He writes mine...well, much love to all of you. byekataters --Cari

song of the day: "You've Got A Plan for Me"--More Than Words

funerals suck. like, more than anything in the world, except for burials. especially when it is a baby. a sweet, innocent baby. gah. i hate this fallen world. i'm tellin ya, today more than ever, i decided that i'm totally ready to go home, though that's obviously not God's plan for me right now. but i just want to go somewhere where everything is perfect, cause it sure ain't happenin here. God has revealed himself to me so much over the past year or so, and yet sometimes i still just have to ask why. and yet even in the worst of circumstances, i can see God at work in this. which i know is easy for me to say, since it's not my son. gosh, you should have heard/seen Rhiannon and Grey this afternoon. I can't believe how strong  they both are. but that miniature casket was the cruelest thing i've ever seen. but i know that (corny as it sounds) he's in a better place. as brother Dean said, he's experiencing perfect knowledge, perfect joy, and perfect love, among other things. and i'm sure that Bruce is psyched to have him there. i was also really touched by how nice everyone in that family is to me. they always make me feel so loved, and i wouldn't trade them for the world. the burial was awfully brutal, plus it was so cold and gloomy, which i think is fitting. i don't like sunn, cheerful funeral days. anyways, just thought i'd tell ya'll a bit about the funeral. love X3 --Cari

song of the day: Yet I Will Praise You ---My Mom (seriously)

stephen makes me laugh. man. do you ever have those days/weeks/months where your friends just get on your last nerve? i really feel that God is changing my heart towards some of my friends, and breaking some friendships. i dunno. but it's all for the best. life's goin pretty good. we might be moving, which is random. i feel like this is really gonna be a year of big changes for me. i'm really doing a lot better in my walk, and i'm really excited about some of the things i'm seeing happen. i'm really starting to learn the power of prayer. and for the first time in a while, i can say that i feel like i'm growing. anyways, the week so far has been really good. i was totally relishing the cool crispness of today. i love fall. but something about fall seems to cultivate melancholy in me. i'm not sure what it is. but i just find myself so often in a pensive mood and thinking about what life would be like with Bruce here. But then i realize that i probably wouldn't have come nearly this far. And that would be through no fault of his. But i would have continued to lean on him rather than God. and while i really do miss having a true best friend (and bear with me cause i know this might sound corny), i'm really starting to discover that Jesus really can be that kind of a friend. and i'm so glad to have Bruce as an example, so that i can weed out the friends that aren't good for me. anyways. life's treatin me pretty well. but may i just say, that i am so tired of fake people. as my mom said today, that's one of the horribly wrong things about my generation. we all seem to put our trust and energies into things that are fake. i was waiting in line for lunch, and i just stood there, solitary in the teeming mass, and watched. so many fake people. and i don't mean that in the "you're shallow/fake because you wear abercrombie" kinda way. i mean people that go through their entire lives wearing this mask (sorry for the emo reference) because they are so afraid that if people see them as they really are, that no one would love them. and that is such a lie. you'll probably take this the wrong way, but i'm so glad that i have managed all my life to just be "Cari", complete with flaws and good qualities. sure, not everyone loves me to death, but at least i know that the people i love love me for me. i'm so tired of these people who put up a front and try so hard, and then accuse me of trying too hard. i am my own individual, and yet people still care to be my friend, even though i'm fat, or i don't wear nice clothes all the time, or don't have a lot of money, or don't cater to their whims, or step on eggshells around them. i can just be me, and that is the most rewarding feeling in the world. and it breaks my heart to see people believing the lies that Satan feeds them. i just wish that people could understand how much they are loved, regardless of their flaws. anyways. i'm really not angry. i'm just broken for the people i know. i love ya'll regardless, and just know that. you don't realize how amazing people are and how much you want to tell them that until it's too late. never take it for granted.---Cari

lexington, that is...yeah, i'm in Kentucky for my cousin's wedding that i'm singing in...WOOT! fun times. sittin in this pimped out hotel watching That 70s Show and drinkin a frappucino...my sister's prolly gonna come yell at me in a minute for not helping to babysit. but i have been helping earlier. went on a random trek through a random neighborhood. apparently all of Lexington is like Breckenridge. i have yet to see any projects or even small houses....but it's fun as a mug. i love stayin in hotels. reminds me of Big Stuf and NY/NJ trips...man...i think maybe i'm tired as crap, on account of the fact that i'm runnin on 3 hours of sleep. i didn't even pack until this morning. golly gee. also, i got to get some new clothes for the wedding. clothes shopping is frustrating as crap when you're fat....walking into Charlotte Russe and Buckle and knowing that none of it will ever fit you doesn't help. but, i like what i got, and i feel good in it, so that's all that matters. nayways, i gotta go. much love. -----C-Unit....

song of the day: Kentucky Thunder --Ricky Skaggs

also known as Hallelujah, Amen by Handel. this is the nickname given it by Sarah Walls and I. yesterday was MTSU Honors Choir, and lemme tell ya buddy...it was fun. sorta. the best part was lunch @ Far East w/ Sarah, Katie, and Stokey Alers (Storey) among others. twas interesting. watched the premiere of Lost tonight...gosh, that's such a good show... but i'm kinda gettin tired of them leading you on for so long...nayways, went to church tonight which is always good. i really feel like i'm starting to go to church for the right reasons now. which is exciting. i think God is really changing my heart towards a lot of things. my mom found my glasses, which is great, cause now i get to drive again. muchos fun-os. i'm really kinda sad that i don't get to go to Chicago with Chamber Choir. i'd really love to. but alas. school was pretty good today. i didn't even know that it was picture day, so i boycotted and i'll get them made up later. today is Laura Beth's b-day...good cake... i'm just sitting here doin my homework from hell. gosh...make up work equals el-sucko. well, i gotta go run on unt treadmill...oh boy...much love. ---Cari

Song of the Day: Golddigger by Kanye West...

i'm currently attempting to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and it's pretty disturbing. i think now it's time to watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman again. nothin like a stereotypical black person to make me laugh. kidding. DBS meeting today. oh boy. it's a little overwhelming...sometimes i think that maybe they think that pledges have no lives outside of DBS...which is sad. Sarah Walls cracks me up. like, she's so not mean at all, but all of the sudden, she'll break out with this mean, angry voice and yell...hardy har. pretty sure i could fry certain black-mark giving behinds and get them out of the sorority...but i don't think i will, because i'm a better person than she is...that's something she would do...but i dunno...revenge is awfully sweet, especially when you get to give people a taste of their own medicine, or it's like, instant karma...man...moral dilemma. anyways, OHS got spanked by WCHS at our own homecoming. the sophomores didn't win anything, including the decorations contest...and we actually made our stuff....the seniors just bought all their crap @ Party City...makes me kinda angry...but w/e. my sister got to actually meet Orlando Bloom today. like, hug him, get his autograph and talk to him. wow. lucky her. best birthday ever. i hope my 16th b-day lives up to that...only if i can have Jake Gyllenhall's babies...ha. i don't even think i'm gonna have a party...sad. oh well. life will go on. my b-day will kinda suck w/ out bruce...but that's ok. anyways, this week has been aight, but tiring. oh and by the way, freshmen suck. or at least Patrick Sherer. i can't stand him. i swear....but yeah. life is good for this homie. peace up, A-town down...---Cari

"He told me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!" ---quote of the day...mrs. farmer on Donnie Darko.

the variety show was hilarious. so much fun. Nemanja was so funny...and i actually had a really good time this year. twas muchos fun-os. jared and his mom were there, so that was embarrassing/ fun. my mic didn't go schitzo on me, so that was a plus...so overall, twas a good experience...everyone liked the 80s lesbian get up. today was so much fun. we had "spirit day" which entails going out to the courtyard, waiting in line to buy Far East, and then screwin around with Thomas and Kaitlin...then a little freshman came and sat with us and told us about drinking wine..."hardcore" freshman make me laugh. anyways, fun times. i'm tired as crap. love and bunny nuggets (yes, i have lost my mind)...---Cari

my memories are walkin out the back door, and the photo album's spread out on the bathroom floor, it's time to say it, time to say it, goodbye, goodbye.

that's officially the most depressing song ever. especially when i look back on pictures of me n bruce n jared and the gang when we were little and ugly and chubby but still so cute...gosh. i miss those days. the closer i get to some people, the farther away i feel from bruce. but i'll see him again eventually. on a lighter note, variety show this morning was good. mr huffman got mad at me for being late to class. so it's official, i'm going to formal with Jared! woot. it's gonna be so much fun going with a good friend...ah....but alas, i must learn how to dance. speakin of dancing, everyone should come see the variety show on thursday night at 6:00 or 8:00 PM! i have solo! woot! and this year i don't have to wear a prom dress! but i do get to dress like an 80s lesbian. oh boy...PRAISE! Greyson's kidney tranplant was a success!

i totally have a date for formal you guys. AHHHHH! i'm so excited! also, DBS meeting today went great, and i'm uber-excited about it now. everything's so peachy....i must be in for something bad this week...ha, just kiddin. love ya'll,---Cari