baby on the way.

I'm engaged.

Smile for me.

well... im alive.

I wish I could have understood the way he begged me to. Only now is that possible, and now... it's too late. I get it, I just wish I could have known. It hurts to know how bad it must have felt. I just hope he's smiling now.

photo from

i took my dad to church on sunday in bandera, tx... my birth-home, and most of the family's hometown [pop. like... 300]. his sister was there with my cousin, and people from my moms side of the family including my grandmother and grandfather and various others... plus some of my mom's old friends who'd 'heard all about us'. my aunt, uncle, and cousin philip lead the worship and are INCREDIBLE at it. every time they astound me. occasionally reduce me to tears.

but on to the point of this whole thing...
my dad hadn't been to a church in 25 years.
i don't know how i did it.

so how's everyone else doing?

Hasn't been released or anything yet, but the demo is just beautiful. Please don't steal it.

I think this song really scared me into reality. I know I can't go back.

©"When You Don't Think About Leavin" -Bobby E. Boyd

She thought about her momma saying
Think about the choice you're making before you go
She was 16 and rebellious
Now she's 18 and homeless all alone
Underneath an overpass
Cold and hungry desperate
Holding up a sign that says: I just wanna go home...

It's not hard to come to your senses
Once the consequences show you the way
Guided by your mistakes
And oh you wanna change the past
But no you can't go back
Why don't the light come on to show you right from wrong
When you don't think about leavin
Till you're already gone

His friends begged him not to drive
As he payed his tab that night and said "I'm fine"
They told him he was foolish
As he told himself "I've done this a million times"
When the blue lights started flashing
Reality came crashing in
Then he started begging them: I just wanna go home...

He never was a true believer
Had the doctor call the preacher to his bed
He said "Father I'm ready to listen"
To all the words written there in red
I know I don't deserve forgiveness
I've never asked or ever given it
Now I see the truth I've missed and I just wanna go home...

And oh I wanna change the past
But no I can't go back
Why don't the light come on to show you right from wrong
When you don't think about leaving
Till you're already gone.

photo from

Sometimes I like to pretend nothing's wrong until it all starts oozing out of small crevices like some strange diseased chemical.....

I feel pretty helpless when I can't be there for you... when I can't look into your eyes... when I can't make you smile.
Just know I think of you every minute.

My dad always seems to notice when my mind's elsewhere. I think that's why I like to be with him. And the moment he sees it he hands me the phone and tells me to call whoever it is I'm thinking about. We have that connection. *nods*

Being away from everything for so long really gives me a new perspective. It's easier to know what's best when you're not always "in" it. I can look back at myself and see what's right and wrong, what's real and fake. What REALLY hurt, and what was REAL pleasure. My smiles weren't always as genuine as I thought. And my heart was always in the same place, no matter how far away. Sometimes you just gotta let yourself go. Just fly high and look down on the rest of it.

life is beautiful.
the sunset was pure gold tonight. we stopped the car in the middle of the road to watch it. living has become very simple. I kindof let go and allowed things work themselves out. I don't really have to worry. the past month has been so up and down, so confusing, so heartbreaking at times... but what I realized, is the one thing I always loved- will always be there. I can't ignore my past, and I can't ignore the future. but today is beautiful, I could hardly speak a word for my mind was so peaceful. I tried to soak in the thought... that I really do LOVE ~you~.
"You make me so happy."

PS: I'm listening to Coldplay- X&Y... and I like it... I like it a lot.

Texas is... well... hot. My phone roams. My hair's gone crazy. I'm tired. I just got back from a 5 hour road trip and I'm ready to get to my dad's. But other than that everything's great and I can't wait for the next day or the next one or the next one. I miss the 'boro, and I just realized on the way back to SanAntonio that Murfreesboro is one of the very few towns with almost NO tourists. That's what I love about home. Dang beach-goers... who needs 'em anyhow. We got off the island just in time for the hurricane.... *phew*. And this is gonna be the first bit of rain to hit this town in a long time. Bring it on. Hit me up.

well, I love you.
That's it.
My life's in shambles, I've screwed up everything, my heart's broken, I don't know where I'm living or who might care about me, but I love you. So it's okay.
6539956. Wear it out if you have to.

It's my last day.
I just wanna know you still care.
I fly out tomorrow for 20 days [or forever.] Let's take a guess and I'll be back once more to say another goodbye to my good friend Glenn. After that, who knows.
I love you and I'm sorry for every damn thing.

I wanna make it work.
I'd kill for this.

My life's done a complete turnabout. Not only thanks to a few people I really care about, but thanks to my boyfriend, and now-because of him... I'm stuck here until Friday when I fly out to Padre Island! I'm over it. Whatever happens now is a result of the events of the past week. I woke up to some awesome people Monday morning, and was forced to leave them to come back to an empty home- but I've still got a full heart. I may have missed the holiday, but it was worth the time spent. The sooner I leave, the longer I'll be gone. See you all on the 27th.

i hope to be very relaxed, in someone else's bed, in someone else's house, thinking someone else's thoughts... not dealing with what's been on my mind the past few days. possibly turning off the phone and forgetting I even have 'friends'. i dunno, i just would rather have a moment's worth of peace. i really need it. and i know you're gonna do all you can to give it to me.
sometimes i wonder if you've even changed. if i'm the only one that's come far, and you're still stuck in the days. i pray that you're true, i pray that it's real... it's all i've got to hold dear. it's all i've got keeping me here.

Sometimes you've gotta forget about the bad and smile like nothing happened.

MmMm... my mind plays tricks on me.

It's amazing what a steaming hot shower, a change of clothes, clean teeth, and a tingly face can do to lift your spirits. It's just about made me forget about all the lost money, bad arguments, funnels, poppers, dirty swimming pools, crying babies, upset others, lack of food and sleep... and all the crap I've dealt with the past 2 days.... it's just lifted right off my shoulders. I'm clean, and I'm pleasantly tired. No longer mad or upset or wanting to tear somebody's head off for smoking a cigarrette. [long story.].... I'm just... good.

I'm pretty shaken up. I've never seen headlights so bright.
Chris and I went to see War of the Worlds and all throughout the movie my head was buried in his shoulder and my arms were latched onto his. I've never seen anything like that before [on screen], and it just about took everything out of me. It made me want to just hold everyone I care about and tell them I love them. And then I get a call telling me to go straight home... not from my mom or anything... but a friend. Instead we went to the park, and on the way out........... almost got hit by a train. Yeah, a train. I think I'm going to go puke.

Don't wait.

I want to scream.
If I don't leave the house soon, there's going to be an emmense risk for temorary insanity.

Some nights I just don't feel like sleeping.

I'm trying not to force change upon anything. Though I've talked a lot about how I want things to be, it's only because I'm living in 2 worlds that are polar opposite. Really, neither needs to change, because then it wouldn't be real. You'd be faking what I wanted. I just.. I don't like to choose. I know I cannot mix oil with water but I continue to try.

I've either been sleeping too little or too much... I haven't decided which one.

So I was reading the latest post on "justincredible"s site about waiting... and it really made me think. Lately I've been pretty wrapped up in the way things are going to turn out, so much in fact, that I'm not enjoying what's going on right now. I'm too focused on what things WILL be, instead of what they ARE. Right now I have something amazing, something to smile for. I don't know why I'm never satisfied, but it's obvious to everyone around me. Even after losing 20 pounds, growing my hair out, getting my long-time boyfriend back, reconnecting my cellphone, having cash in my purse, and finally having my mom loosen up the slack a bit..... things still don't feel right. I've come really far, I just wanna see where it's all going. I guess I miss my huge groups of extremely close friends. And I'm so consumed with what the future brings, that I'm forgetting to see how beautiful it is... this very moment.

*sigh* I try.

shimmisparkle: ugh im so bored!!!
shimmisparkle: kill me.
Laus Deo17: die
shimmisparkle: oh yeah, that worked.
Laus Deo17: i bet it did
shimmisparkle: are you going to bury me now?
Laus Deo17: no
Laus Deo17: i'm going to let your body rot in a swimming pool
Laus Deo17: :-)
shimmisparkle: damn...
shimmisparkle: that SUCKS.
Laus Deo17: yeah, sorry

HAhaaaa.... Okay, so I'm easily entertained.

I think Jason stole my boyfriend... :(

I hate addictions. But if you took it all away... I would have nothing.

It's been a while since I've been that good. I'm on an emotion high I guess you could say. Nothing's wrong, and there's a lot I can be happy for. It's really starting to feel like summer -now that all the drama's out of the way- and I'm out most nights. Eating banana splits, watchin movies, and staring at the stars. I've met a lot of new people and most of them have been great. The next couple weeks are going to be insane. I've got a few things in mind....

I just wish I knew where I'm gonna be after that. I try not to think about it much, but I feel a little lost knowing that home may not be home anymore. I refuse to go without confirmation that I AM coming back. I won't leave you.