Drinking and Driving (If I were a cop)

July 22 2006

Good afternoon, teenagers. My name is Officer Aaron Roan and I'm here today to talk to you about the dangers of drinking and driving. I'm not going to beat around the bush. If you drink and drive, you will die. From cancer. That's right. If you start drinking and driving, you're going to get cancer and die. Probably from a goat. Think about it. You're drinking. You get in the car. You're feeling a little woozy, so you roll down the windows. You pass out, drive off the road. You wake up screaming. While you're screaming, your car hits a goat. The goats blood gets in your open mouth. Next thing you know, you got yourself a bad case of goat cancer. You don't think it could happen? Guess again. It happened to my partner.

That's right. We were out drinking one night. Five days later, they found his body covered in goat cancer and chocolate sauce. Well, actually, it was far more chocolate sauce than goat cancer. I actually don't think any goat cancer was involved at all. I made that part up. And the chocolate sauce washed right off. He's fine now. But the point is, it could have been a lot worse! He could have died! What if he had a chocolate allergy? Think about that the next time you drink yourself a gin ricky.

Or think about this: did you know that 100% people who drink will eventually die? Isn't that a staggering statistic? To put that statistic into perspective, look around the room. Everybody in this room who has ever touched an alcoholic beverage raise your hand. Guess what? One day, all of you will be dead. Probably from getting a broom in the caboose. People die that way all the time. They drink a couple of pink ladies, next thing you know, they're tied to a radiator pipe and some Chinese guy is sticking a broom up their caboose. Happened to a good buddy of mine (me). And that's not the kind of thing that washes off, believe me.

I'm still not getting through to you, am I? Alright, let's do a little role playing. You, in the back. Let's pretend youve been out drinking. You've had one too many and you get behind the wheel of your car. So now pretend you're driving along. Good. Now look what happens.


I just shot that guy with my service revolver. Why? To illustrate a point. What's the point? I'll tell you. Drinking and driving is exactly like getting shot by a cop at a high school assembly. Anyway, why don't we get some of the football players to carry that fellow to the nurse. If somebody has something to staunch the bleeding, that would be great, too. Not your varsity jacket!

Anyway, before I go, I just want to say I hope you all remember what we talked about here today. I hope that, in the future, when you're kicking back another Shanghai sling or what have you and you're feeling a little tipsy, you'll think of me. You'll think of me shooting your classmate and you'll remember - one day you're going to die. Whether it's from goat cancer or chocolate or broom caboose or what have you, you will die. And I will be there pissing on your grave.

_Questions I Get alot_

June 17 2006

Theres a bear in living my house, eating all my food! How do I get him to move out!?

-You don't. Come to terms with the bear and then ask him about some compensation. If that doesn't work, creat a honey trail to the back yard. When he is seduced by the trail and goes outside, lock all the doors and put large furniture and appliances up against all the windows. Don't worry about the upstairs: the gutter drains are not strong enough to sustain his weight, and he won't climb the house.

My big sister has it stuck in her head that shes God, and I can't pursuade her otherwise. What do I do?-

-Kill her, decapitate her, and steak the head near the town commons for the villagers to see as a strong, set example. Remember to burn the remaining body in a pit of hot ashes and cinders made from a cedar tree, otherwise the Redman will haunt you for all eternity, for you shedded the blood of your kin, and though it was for a noble cause, it is still a cause for vendetta.

Theres a banana in m.. uh.. yeah..-

-Go away, you sick S.O.B.

My best friend just went behind my back and had sex with my girlfriend. What do I do?-

- Go down to Southeastern Tires in Murfreesboro, TN. Purchase 4 brand new michelin heavy dudy tires. They are expensive, in these times of economic despuit but they are the best.

.. But that still doesn't help my issue.

-Shutup. I don't care

I just aquired an Atari and I don't have an RFU adaptor, where can I get them?-

-Radioshack still carries standard issue RFU adaptors for vintage game consoles. They work with both UHF and VHF connections and has a 75 OHM input. However, you are still a loser for buying it in the 1s place.

It burns when I pee..-

- Yeah I know, you slept with your best friend's girlfriend. Now you got the clap and God knows what else, and he has a brand new set of tires.


June 02 2006
Hey everybody. How's life? Mine is going amazing right now. I do miss a certain somebody, because I don't get to see her much, but other than that stuff is good. I finally got my music up on purevolume and myspace. ( www.purevolume.com/aaronroan or www.myspace.com/aaronroanmusic ) So check it out. I was losing my voice when I was recording these songs, so they sound like complete crap, but it's ok. I'm in very high spirts despite the weather. I'm also excited, because Sir Mathew Goodman and myself are going to do some Relient K for the talent show next year. We haven't decided on which song to do, but I only know 3. We're thinking about either "Getting Into You" or "Sadie Hawkins Dance." I can play both, so it works out. So people, take your pick. Well, I'm off to do important grown-up stuff. You kids go play.


May 26 2006
So I was on my way to Neu Records, and a dog ran out in front of my car. So I turn sharp, and spin into a 10 foot ditch. My car, with the exception of a few scratches, is ok. However, I hit the hell outta' my elbow. Hurts like a bitch. I think I might have hyper extended it or something. But I got pulled out of the ditch, and met Michael Burton at Neu Records. He's the C.E.O. of neu Records, and is one hell of a musician. ( www.purevolume.com/michaelburton )

So I got to record. There was a problem with one of my songs, so I only finished recording 3.

1. Niki Nicotine
2. Rock Solid
3. The Myspace Song

I think you'll like the songs...However, I also thought I was going to have a non-car-wrecking day today, and I was wrong about that too. But in any event, the songs should be up in 2-3 days. Hope you enjoy.


Also, check out Michael Burton's, and pre-order one of his cd's.
Support your local musicians.


May 24 2006
I'm back on phusebox. It's been awhile. Lately things have been going great. I have a car, I have two jobs, I have a band, I'm going to start recording soon, I have some shows lined up, and things are going pretty smooth with the females. Good times. Biotches.

So I'm searching...

April 24 2006

I'm looking for a scene with just 2 people in it. Why? Because in theatre class we have to do a 9 Minute Serious scene with a partner. As soon as I heard this, I said I wanted Jay, and Jay returned the favor by saying he wanted me as his partner. That's right, the infamous Jay Sweet and myself onstage together. Should prove to be awesome. If anyone has a suggestion of a scene from a play with two people let me know.

Also, I've been writing alot of music lately. My purevolume site should be up soon. Keep an eye open.


April 13 2006

It's been awhile, I know. But, at the request of the lovely E-$, I'm updating. Not much to say actually. I'm not really looking forward to prom to tell you the truth.I feel like it's not fair to her to go when she isn't the one I want to be with. But, I promised, and we're still friends, so why not?

A question:

Have you ever known somebody that you started out friends with, and got along really well, and realized you're practically head over heels for them? Yeah, me too.


March 19 2006

Here is one of the skits I wrote for Celebration of the arts. Enjoy:


The other skit should be coming very soon.

Some People

February 23 2006

Here are some people that have influenced my life. I guess you could say they're my heroes that have passed away.

Curt Cobain

Ronald Reagan

Dimebag Darrell

John Lennon

Jimi Hendrix


Rhandy Rhodes

Buddy Holly

Mohammad Ali - The Greatest

Jim Braddock

James Dean

May they all rest in peace.

Their memory lives on.


Also, I'm still looking to start a band. Anyone interested let me know.


February 20 2006

So, I've just returned from Winterfest, and I must say, it was a blast. Lately, music has taken an even bigger role in my life. I'm kid of looking to start a band. I've already written a song of my own. I don't think I want to be a primarily Christian band, but still want my religion to play an important part in my music. Assembling a group of bandmembers will be hard though. Finding people that are good at playing music, and still have the same musical taste as me is kind of hard. I like all types of music. From metal (Metallica), to heavy rock (Pantera), to lighter rock(Guns n' Roses), to Alternative (Red Hot Chili Pepper), and soft rock ( The Shins), and even some country and blues. My music taste are all over the place. I've been into kind of a mellow mood when it comes to music lately. I'm just looking for some people that can play music, and can write it too. Let me know if you or someone you know may be interested.

-Sexy Aaron


February 12 2006

Wow. Thanks for all the response everybody. Needless to say it helped alot. I talked to her, and I explained to her how I felt and she understood. She wasn't happy, but she knew where I was coming from. We're still the best of friends, and she's coming to my next boxing match. I love her to death, but I'm not in love with her. Thanks everybody. In other news, it's snowing, but I'm too sore from my two boxing matches (see post below) to go out and play in it with my 4 year old sister that's been begging to play outside all day. Needless to say that sucks. But, everything else has been going really well.

God bless.


I've started a fad. I was the 1st person to bring the Chuck Norris jokes to Oakland, and now you can't go three feet without hearing one. I feel so cool.

Chuck Norris approves this post.

I feel kind of bad...

February 11 2006

My girlfriend told me she loved me last night, and I couldn't respond. I know I don't love her. I know I will probably never love her, and from the beginning I know she's not the girl I want to be with. Don't get me wrong, she's one of my best friends, and she's smart, gorgeous, funny...But I just don't love her. I feel like I'm not being fair to her. I mean, I really like her, but I don't feel it's fair to her to date her if my intentions aren't to love her. I need a solution...


I lost my 1st boxing match today. I had two back to back. In my 1st match, I got a kncokout in the 11th round. Then, 30 mins. later, I have to get back into a ring. Needless to say I was exhausted, but I kept with him all 15 rounds. Then I lost by 3 points. I was a little more than pissed, but it's cool. Still not bad for a guy with broken ribs. Now my record is 12 wins - 1 loss by 4 knockouts.

So yeah...

February 05 2006

Jesus is a pretty cool dude.

God works in alot of ways

Through relationships with your friends, family

and yes, even your girlfriend.


God will nurture me

to become a better person in the near future.


February 01 2006


Are they even worth it?

Because if they are

They sure aren't convincing me...

By the way, my sister is coming home from the hospital today.


I take back everything I just said about girls


There's this one

That is special

And we are currently dating now.

Bad Days...

January 30 2006

My sister Ally is in the hospital. I had to stay home from school today to watch my other little sister. I haven't slept in 2 days, and I'm pretty worried. They say she'll be ok, so that's good, but that doesn't take away the worry. I'm pretty tired.  Nothing else really to report. I'll be at school tomorrow.

-Sexy Aaron

Celebration of the Arts

January 25 2006

So, with Celebration of the Arts quickly approaching, we recieved our scripts...Sounds fun, right? Well...Not really. I get to be a knight in shining armor, and some type of scary dude, but the skits are really corny...Oh well, we'll see how it goes. Not alot has been going on...It's my mom's birthday today, so I'm staying home and cooking for the kids. I have to gain 4 lbs in 4 days for my fight or I move down a weight class. I have to get to 132 lbs...Oh well, I'll keep working on it. You all wish me good luck.

Thought for the Day: Why is it that you get OSS for skipping one class, but if you skip the whole day all they do is call your parents? The solution is that if you want to skip class, just don't come to school.

-The Legend of Chuck Norris-

(Must Read!) 

I first met Chuck Norris when I accompanied my sensei to the shooting of the movie "Sidekicks" at a martial arts tournament waaay back in the day. Nice guy, but man, there are so many rumors floating around about him. I suspect they are all true. Here's a list all the things I've heard from various sources.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Bored yo...

January 21 2006

So I was bored so I burned a "Super cd" that consist of AC/DC, Guns n' Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Foo Fighters, Eric Clapton, and The Police. Best, cd, ever...Or at least it is until I make a new one with my music on it...ho's.

Also, I figured something out that was bothering me. Why would people go to Hooters if not for the girls? The girls are the only attraction there, and large breasts is a small physical aspect that isn't worth me leaving the house and suffering through Hooter's food. The answer: Wrestling. yes, wrestling. I found out that Hooters televises wrestling. The redneck wonders come in herds to watch wrestling and eat bad food. They apparently love watching their favorite "wrastler" beat up another steroid pumped moron...This is just another thing holding Hooters from going out of business.  Well, that and the perverts that have to stare at waitresses because they can't get any.

Quote: "Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."  -Aaron (Myself)


January 20 2006
I'm trying out phusebox, and we'll see how I like it...