Drinking and Driving (If I were a cop)

July 22, 2006

Good afternoon, teenagers. My name is Officer Aaron Roan and I'm here today to talk to you about the dangers of drinking and driving. I'm not going to beat around the bush. If you drink and drive, you will die. From cancer. That's right. If you start drinking and driving, you're going to get cancer and die. Probably from a goat. Think about it. You're drinking. You get in the car. You're feeling a little woozy, so you roll down the windows. You pass out, drive off the road. You wake up screaming. While you're screaming, your car hits a goat. The goats blood gets in your open mouth. Next thing you know, you got yourself a bad case of goat cancer. You don't think it could happen? Guess again. It happened to my partner.

That's right. We were out drinking one night. Five days later, they found his body covered in goat cancer and chocolate sauce. Well, actually, it was far more chocolate sauce than goat cancer. I actually don't think any goat cancer was involved at all. I made that part up. And the chocolate sauce washed right off. He's fine now. But the point is, it could have been a lot worse! He could have died! What if he had a chocolate allergy? Think about that the next time you drink yourself a gin ricky.

Or think about this: did you know that 100% people who drink will eventually die? Isn't that a staggering statistic? To put that statistic into perspective, look around the room. Everybody in this room who has ever touched an alcoholic beverage raise your hand. Guess what? One day, all of you will be dead. Probably from getting a broom in the caboose. People die that way all the time. They drink a couple of pink ladies, next thing you know, they're tied to a radiator pipe and some Chinese guy is sticking a broom up their caboose. Happened to a good buddy of mine (me). And that's not the kind of thing that washes off, believe me.

I'm still not getting through to you, am I? Alright, let's do a little role playing. You, in the back. Let's pretend youve been out drinking. You've had one too many and you get behind the wheel of your car. So now pretend you're driving along. Good. Now look what happens.

BAM!

I just shot that guy with my service revolver. Why? To illustrate a point. What's the point? I'll tell you. Drinking and driving is exactly like getting shot by a cop at a high school assembly. Anyway, why don't we get some of the football players to carry that fellow to the nurse. If somebody has something to staunch the bleeding, that would be great, too. Not your varsity jacket!

Anyway, before I go, I just want to say I hope you all remember what we talked about here today. I hope that, in the future, when you're kicking back another Shanghai sling or what have you and you're feeling a little tipsy, you'll think of me. You'll think of me shooting your classmate and you'll remember - one day you're going to die. Whether it's from goat cancer or chocolate or broom caboose or what have you, you will die. And I will be there pissing on your grave.

_Questions I Get alot_

June 17, 2006

Theres a bear in living my house, eating all my food! How do I get him to move out!?

-You don't. Come to terms with the bear and then ask him about some compensation. If that doesn't work, creat a honey trail to the back yard. When he is seduced by the trail and goes outside, lock all the doors and put large furniture and appliances up against all the windows. Don't worry about the upstairs: the gutter drains are not strong enough to sustain his weight, and he won't climb the house.

My big sister has it stuck in her head that shes God, and I can't pursuade her otherwise. What do I do?-

-Kill her, decapitate her, and steak the head near the town commons for the villagers to see as a strong, set example. Remember to burn the remaining body in a pit of hot ashes and cinders made from a cedar tree, otherwise the Redman will haunt you for all eternity, for you shedded the blood of your kin, and though it was for a noble cause, it is still a cause for vendetta.

Theres a banana in m.. uh.. yeah..-

-Go away, you sick S.O.B.

My best friend just went behind my back and had sex with my girlfriend. What do I do?-

- Go down to Southeastern Tires in Murfreesboro, TN. Purchase 4 brand new michelin heavy dudy tires. They are expensive, in these times of economic despuit but they are the best.

.. But that still doesn't help my issue.

-Shutup. I don't care

I just aquired an Atari and I don't have an RFU adaptor, where can I get them?-

-Radioshack still carries standard issue RFU adaptors for vintage game consoles. They work with both UHF and VHF connections and has a 75 OHM input. However, you are still a loser for buying it in the 1s place.

It burns when I pee..-

- Yeah I know, you slept with your best friend's girlfriend. Now you got the clap and God knows what else, and he has a brand new set of tires.

GOODMAN!

June 02, 2006Hey everybody. How's life? Mine is going amazing right now. I do miss a certain somebody, because I don't get to see her much, but other than that stuff is good. I finally got my music up on purevolume and myspace. ( www.purevolume.com/aaronroan or www.myspace.com/aaronroanmusic ) So check it out. I was losing my voice when I was recording these songs, so they sound like complete crap, but it's ok. I'm in very high spirts despite the weather. I'm also excited, because Sir Mathew Goodman and myself are going to do some Relient K for the talent show next year. We haven't decided on which song to do, but I only know 3. We're thinking about either "Getting Into You" or "Sadie Hawkins Dance." I can play both, so it works out. So people, take your pick. Well, I'm off to do important grown-up stuff. You kids go play.

Ouch

May 26, 2006So I was on my way to Neu Records, and a dog ran out in front of my car. So I turn sharp, and spin into a 10 foot ditch. My car, with the exception of a few scratches, is ok. However, I hit the hell outta' my elbow. Hurts like a bitch. I think I might have hyper extended it or something. But I got pulled out of the ditch, and met Michael Burton at Neu Records. He's the C.E.O. of neu Records, and is one hell of a musician. ( www.purevolume.com/michaelburton )

So I got to record. There was a problem with one of my songs, so I only finished recording 3.

1. Niki Nicotine
2. Rock Solid
3. The Myspace Song

I think you'll like the songs...However, I also thought I was going to have a non-car-wrecking day today, and I was wrong about that too. But in any event, the songs should be up in 2-3 days. Hope you enjoy.

www.purevolume.com/aaronroan

Also, check out Michael Burton's, and pre-order one of his cd's.
Support your local musicians.

Yep

May 24, 2006I'm back on phusebox. It's been awhile. Lately things have been going great. I have a car, I have two jobs, I have a band, I'm going to start recording soon, I have some shows lined up, and things are going pretty smooth with the females. Good times. Biotches.