I don't like being the bad guy.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but that's impossible.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted to avoid all of this by doing what I eventually did, but...I'm sorry. I guess with an issue like this...it just really gets to complicated.

As I sit down to type this, I feel burdened. But burdened isn't quite the right word. What do I feel?

It's been rough for my grandpa, grandma, and my mom, and for all of us. Last week Grandpa went in for another surgery because they thought that he had a tear in his diaphragm. This was especially important to fix quickly as the diaphragm is the muscle that helps in breathing, as well as separates the organs in your upper body from the organs in your lower body. At first they used this small scope to see if they could find the tear and fix it without cutting him open. Of course, this failed, and they had to make a large incision for the surgery. What they discovered is that there wasn't actually a tear in his diaphragm, but that my grandpa is one of those people who have a thinly stretched diaphragm that makes it appear that he had a possible tear. So they did all of that just to fix something that wasn't actually there. On top of all that, the surgeons ruptured his spleen during the surgery, so they had to remove it to prevent him from bleeding internally. They moved him back up to the trauma unit for recovery.

Earlier in the week he had a fever and trouble breathing, and he went in for surgery again Friday. This time he had adhesions on his lung that was making his lung stick to his chest cavity, which interfered with breathing. Praise God that surgery went okay. Grandpa's still pretty out of it, though. He's on a ventilator and he still has the chest tube in him. He goes in for another surgery Wednesday the 7th for his leg. He’s going to be okay.

It's just been a dog fight, guys. My grandma is going through emotionally what my grandpa is physically, and my mom's doing everything in her power to help them out. Please continue to lift us up in prayer, guys.

I'm so messed up right now guys. But it's not just because of what my family is going through. I keep on screwing up with God. I specifically ask for His help and guidance with certain things, but when the time comes for me to accept His help and guidance, I purposefully reject it. This seems to be an endless cycle. I feel like everything I say to Christ has been said before by me, and is therefore hollow and pointless. I don't know what I feel. I'm not special, guys. I'm just me. I'm no different than any other child of God when it comes right down to it. I'm not depressed, I'm just stating the truth. To desire to be something in someone else's eyes, that's selfishness, isn't it? To desire to be noticed by other people, or to want other people to always hang out with you, that's greed, isn't it?

I don't feel...what? What don't I feel? What do I feel?

What do I need? Encouragement? Since when have I ever known what I really needed?
Do I need Jesus? I have Him, and He has me, but what good does that do if I don't listen to Him? What good does it do me if I ask for His help and then reject it when it He offers it?

I'm on the verge of tears. Why?

I don't doubt God or His mercy or love for me. I know He loves me. But that's just the problem: me.

Why is everything about me so unclear now?

I'm lonely for my family in Christ, for my brothers and sisters in Him.

I'm going to the hospital Sunday. I most likely won't be at Church.

For those of you who don't know, or who have shady details, my grandpa was in a bad motorcycle accident on Sunday evening. He was riding the back roads near Milton, like always, when his back tire slid off of the road. The bike flipped, throwing him off, and then landed on top of him. Some people were near when it happened, and an ambulance took him to MTMC. He broke his collar bone, several ribs, his leg, and he also fractured one of his vertebrae, I believe. He also has a bruised lung. They needed to operate on his leg, but because of the bruised lung, they had to take extra precautions with the anesthesia. So, they took him to Vanderbilt for the surgery, which turned out okay. Their main concern now is that if the broken leg does not stop swelling, they will have to do another surgery in which a large incision must be made to relieve the pressure off of the nerve.

He is in stable condition.

I feel so battered. But, in light of all of this, I say praise be unto the High and Glorified One Who binds up the broken hearted. Praise be to our Sovereign King! Grandpa survived the accident. He's going to be okay. He'll be okay. I was so distraught Sunday, but God had me covered from the outset. I called Clint who, in turn, led all of the rec guys to pray for my family. Chris showed up at the hospital and prayed with me, and later Clint and Rachel showed up and prayed with us, too.

Everyone, everyone who prayed for us, who continues to pray for us, thank you. Praise God for friends, warrior brothers and sisters, who love us and are there for my family and I when we need you. Praise God for you! And Glory and Honor be unto our Lovely Father, who protected Grandpa Jay when he wrecked, who is there to bind the broken hearts of my Grandma Nancy, of my Mom and my aunts, of my brother and me. Praise be to our Father who heard my plea for reinforcements, and was faithful to answer in a way like I could not imagine.


Thank you, Daddy, my True Father.

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone, all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, every single one of you that lifted my family up in prayer.

I love you all so much. Please, please know that. I love you in Christ Jesus.

Blessed days lay behind me
and Blessed days lay ahead.

Who here hates miscommunication?

I do!!!

Is it that I don't listen, or is it that all the information I do have magically changes behind my back just to spite me?!

...
...
...

I'm done ranting now. I think there's a perfectly logical explanation for this.

If not...



Well, we're all human, aren't we?


But I bet is was my error, after all.

So I went to school today, and an amazing thing happened: I had good friends in all of my classes! WOOT!! First period French III is going to be awesome this year, as the Famille de Castor is united once again. My friends Stephy, Emily, Robert, Travis, Brian, and Daniel, among others, are in my US History AP class 2nd period. Ben is in my Pre-Calc honors class. Lubna, who was in my business management class last year, is in my Virtual Enterprise class. Almost all of the Junior Band kids are in my 5th period English III AP class, and a good part of them are in my 6th period Chem Advanced Honors. As busy as I know this year is going to be, God has blessed me in a most amazing way by pairing me up with a ton of my friends in all of my classes.
After school, I met up with Garrett, Ben, John, Alex, Aaron, Clint, and Kash at Fazolis. We had an amazing time as we laughed our butts off talking about "Mountain Oysters", various forms of fishing and the rotten, month old fishing bait used therein, and other things. Awesome time, guys.
So I think this year is going to be one of my most busy yet, as I have absolutely no "Break Classes" this year, but whatever. I'm excited anyway. I really hope God uses me this year in school, too.
And, for anyone who cares, I am actually getting my license tomorrow if all goes well. Tomorrow will be exactly 8 months and 8 days since my 16th birthday, when I should have gotten my license. So I can finally stop bumming rides off of my friends, like I have in the past. I may (much emphasis on the word may) be getting a car of my own soon, too.

I love the way God orchestrates things.

God is interested in your life.

Deeply.

Passionately.

Interested in you, His child.



Be what He has called you to be. He is the only thing that is true, unfaltering, unfailing. The only things that matter here are Him and His commands.

Cowardice has no place in this war.

Nor does selfish ambition.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised... "But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. (Hebrews 10:35-36, 38-39)


Why can't some people see how dire the situation is? Why can't I see how dire the situation is sometimes? Our obedience to our Sovereign King could save someone from an unending life of pain, of darkness and flame, from the weeping and gnashing of teeth!

Maybe the most powerful weapon in Satan's arsenal is complacency.

Defend yourself with His Word. Have the desire to defend yourself with His Word.

Home, sweet home.

But I can't really enjoy it because I have two unread summer reading books staring me in the face right now.

But I'm home nonetheless.

Missed you guys.

Wow. Been a while since I've updated. Uh, let's see... I'm in Texas as of right now. Should be back on the tail end of this week.

I love hanging around my familiy down here (We're visiting my aunt and uncle and cousins. Mark, 17, and I are really close, and I'm also really close to my other cousin Allison, who's 20.) but I miss my M'boro/Belle Aire crew. I'll be looking forward to going to my own church again.

I'm too lazy to write anything of any great magnitude now, but I'll think of something soon. You know me. I can barely go a whole conversation without trying to slip some deep topic or idea in. Unless, of course, I'm on a green tea buzz.

:)

For those of you who went, tell me about the Paint the Town trip. I won't be there Wednesday, so fill me in a little, if you want.

hmmm...

I feel oddly at peace. I haven't known a peace like this since...January of this year?

But, I know that a lot of my brothers and sisters in Christ are not feeling this peace.

I needed some time away from everybody. I know that to you guys what I would call my "absence" was completely unnoticeable. Which is good. I just needed some serious alone time with God, to get my heart, mind, and priorities right.

But things are okay now.

I want you guys to tell me what's going on in your life, whether it be good or bad, if you so choose.

I love you guys. I always have. I'm here, but more importantly, He is here.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
So Jesus said, so Jesus did.

"Now is the time for judgement on this world; now the prince of this world will be driven out. But I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to myself." John 12:31-32

I'm still learning, still growing. Always in Him.

-A quote from the book Every Young Man, God's Man

This is a fairly long post, so just thought I'd warn you.

It's been an awesome week for me. God has really come through on a number of things I've been dealing with, just like He said He would.

Monday was Fourth of July. I went to MTSU to meet up with Kathryn-Claire, and saw Graham, Amy, Aimee, Anna, and Garrett there.

Tuesday, I hung out with Grace, Mady and Jane. Consequently, I almost died in Jane's car while she was trying to race a friend to Grace's house. Jane and I decided that when we were old and almost on our death beds, we would break into Stampede with shotguns in hand, tear the place apart, then help ourselves to a couple of drinks

Wednesday was church, and I really needed that. I had been kind of spiritually beat up and lonely, and I needed to be in the presence of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I just needed some time to pour my heart out in worship to my Heavenly Father.

I've established a daily quiet time with God each day. I was really excited that I was able to commit to that finally, as I have tried in the past and just kinda quit doing it after a while. Another thing I'm excited about is that I'm finally able to dive into scripture. I've always had a great deal of trouble just sitting down and reading God's Word, but I feel like God has removed that block in my life now. It feels so good. It took me a while to figure out why I was feeling so crappy there for a while. My spirit was starving for God's Word.

I went to Jenna's party Thursday. Anna and I discovered that our new pastime would be to wrap ourselves in tinfoil and play out in the lightning. I had an awesome conversation with a friend while we got lost on the way to the bowling alley.

I also found out that I had friends in more people than I previously knew. Little by little, Jesus Christ is lifting that heavy veil of doubts surrounding my friendships.

Friday, after talking with one of my best friends, I finally, finally, came to the realization that my two best friends were, in fact, my two best friends, despite all the lies and doubts Satan has been throwing at me concerning my relationship with them.

Saturday was movie night at Amy's, and it was amazing. We watched the Pacifier, drank Coke floats, and gorged ourselves on brownies and popcorn while her parents sought refuge from us in their bedroom.

I now have a favorite drink at Starbucks, so I no longer have no excuse not to go.

And...I have a possible date.

So, sorry for the long post. I just had a lot to talk about, I guess.

The one thing I learned from all this? God is absolutely faithful. Always.

Sting
"Dead Man's Rope"

A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night
And as days turn into weeks and years
And years into lifetimes
I just keep walking, like I've been walking for a thousand years

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow

If you're walking to escape, to escape from your affliction
You'd be walking in a great circle, a circle of addiction
Did you ever wonder what you'd been carrying since the world was black?
You see yourself in the looking glass with a tombstone on your back.

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain.

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I'm just hanging here in space

Now I'm suspended between my darkest fears and dearest hope
Yes I've been walking, now I'm hanging from a dead man's rope
With Hell below me, and Heaven in the sky above
I've been walking, I've been walking away from Jesus' love.

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain.

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I'm just hanging here in space

The shadows fall
Around my bed
When the hand of an angel,
The hand of an angel is reaching down above my head

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
Now I'm walking in his grace
I'm walking in his footsteps
Walking in his footsteps
Walking in his footsteps

All the days of my life I will walk with you
All the days of my life I will talk with you
All the days of my life I will share with you
All the days of my life I will bear with you

Walk away from emptiness, walk away from sorrow
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow
Walk away from anger, walk away from pain
Walk away from anguish, walk into the rain.


-------------------------------------------------------------------

It's almost scary how well this song reflects my spritual life in the past, and even now. Maybe especially now.

Ever give much thought about our placement in Earth's time line? I am extremely blessed, as are we all, to be here (The U.S.A, a free country, with many imperfections, but free nonetheless. We aren't persecuted like Christians are in a lot of other parts of the world. As a country, we don't suffer as much from starvation and disease. We have more opportunities than almost anywhere else) and now (We have the easy life because of all of the technological and medical advances.)

But think about how God just doesn't do things haphazardly. Think how evil the days are. Think of all the reasons why a lot of us avoid the news: murder, rape, bombings, death and suffering everywhere. Now think of how the Light of Christ is shining more and more intensely in the youth, in us, and in all who believe in Him. He placed us here in the twilight of the world's life because He wants to use us. He wants to use us to shine His Light in this world that is being consumed by darkness. There is a reason that He personally placed us here. Think about this for a sec (and just replace my name here with yours). Before anything was anything, God was like, "Hmm...okay. I want Michael live in the 20th and 21st century, in the U.S.A. By then my Son will have gone to save them all, but when He comes back Home, the world's gonna keep getting darker. *sigh* Unfortunately, a lot of My kids won't know how much I love them, or that I even love them at all. I want Michael to bear fruit for Me, and tell everyone about My love and how they all have a never ending, joyous story in Me. Oh yeah, and I want to give out invitations for the UBER HUGE PARTY at My Place afterwards."

Okay, so I don't know If I got my point across, so here it is. God is very particular about our placement. He doesn't just randomly throw us on the planet and say, "Yeah, they could do something there for Me, I guess." You are here, and He is here. He doesn't need me or you or any of us, but He chooses to use us anyhow. I just had to tell myself this recently, as God was showing me things: "Would you just stop living for you? Jeez, Michael, look at your selfishness. God has given you everything, and you still want more!" Trust me. What we all need to do is just throw everything aside, slap our hands together and say, "Okay Dad, You take charge. What's up? What do You want me to do? Where do You want me to go? How do You want me to do all this?"

Trust Him. He'll take you wonderful places you've never seen before, if you just let Him drive

Today was amazing. Our normal Sunday School teachers were handling their son's wedding, so they were out. Instead, we convinced J-Mo and Clint to teach our class. Wow. That was Divine Intervention, I can tell you that. Clint and J-Mo really opened up. I could feel the brokenness and hurting in that room, but I know that Christ was right in the middle of the whole thing. Each person prayed for another person, and I could really feel the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through that room. It was an amazing and uplifting experience.
So now I'm all spiritually amped up and I want to go serve the Lord in a big way. Or just at all. I want to go and pray with everyone and anyone who needs it. I want to go on a mission trip. I want to go door to door right here in the 'Boro and share Christ with the lost and hurting. I want to tell others what God is doing in my life, and I want to ask what He's doing in theirs. I want to hang out with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and talk about deep things, Godly and righteous things. I want to listen to your woes and share your brokenness. I want someone to hold me accountable in my spiritual walk. I want to be in a Bible study group, (which will happen soon) where I can learn about God with my fellow brothers. I want to live my life for the Glory of the Most High God, our Abba.

Something feels wrong. Very wrong. This feeling could just be a result of the things I'm dealing with, or it could be my overactive imagination, but I don't know. When I usually get this feeling, I'm not just being paranoid, but I guess there's a first time for everything. Something just feels...wrong. I don't know how else to describe it.

-----*EDIT*-----

Things feel a little better, but...Maybe I just needed to talk with a friend for a while. Maybe the feeling somehow reflected something that was happening in me.

It's not set in stone. Feelings are really hard to pin down.
So don't believe everything I blab about, lol.

dramapixie20: yeah, jus seemed very isolated today i had to talk to someone
SonicShockwave7: I hate those feelings of isolation. Sometimes I'm afraid to reach out and talk to someone for fear that they don't want to listen, or that I'll be bothering them, you know?
dramapixie20: i know exactly how you feel, but if they are truely your friend they will want to help whenever with whatever, thas my philosophy if you can call it that
SonicShockwave7: I know this is true, but I'm always afraid of what's in their heart. what I can't see. the stuff they aren't telling me.


Why should I be afraid of that? It's dumb to fear that, and yet...
Know this: I love you guys. Regardless of how you feel towards me. I don't ever want you to feel like you needed comfort or an open ear, or just to hear that someone loves you, and you weren't able to hear it from me.
You guys are all cool. Thanks for being there for me when I need you, and when I'm okay. You help me in ways that you'll probably never see.

Every longing desire we have all stems from something greater. A void. A lack of something so essential to who we should be. On the surface, it all seems to be made of pain. We trace the longings and look back on our history to see every blow made by the people or circumstances we've encountered. But this too is false. Everything is being veiled by the Enemy. We try to find the source of our longings, and we eventually come upon a wall of pain. Discouraged, we quit our search until the longing, the pain, and the sorrow returns.

What if I told you that there was something beyond that wall? What if that wall was a lot less thick and impenetrable than you thought?
The ultimate longing, and what lies beyond the wall is this: our souls, our Heart of Hearts, the core of our very being is starving for Christ. Our need to follow and be loved by our Heavenly Father, to fellowship with Him, to be obedient, to bask in His eternal Grace, and to worship His holy Name is so great. If we walk away from that, if we reject that need, then the consequences spill over into every aspect of our lives. The enemy then jumps at the opportunity to hide the answer to the question of "what's wrong with me? why is everything so unclear, and why do I hurt so bad inside?" He does this because he doesn't want us to find Christ. But know this: our Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ, is big enough to crush any wall that Satan tries to build between Christ and ourselves. He makes everything clear. He loves us so much that even when we try to run from Him, He follows after, calling our name, holding out His arms. How great our God is, that He should give us the eternal gift of His unchanging love!

My soul, my heart, screams for something more, the One Who is more.

You don't know what you want. The One Whom you seek cannot truly fulfill

I desire a father's love, a father's friendship.

Your father left you. Your Heavenly Father cannot fill his place.

But, my friends, my mentors...

What, you think they really care about you? You actually think they love you as much as you think you love them?

They are a gift.

A gift that you have abused. Look at you. Everything you do is to get their attention. You have forgotten your God.

No! I love Him. He loves me more than anything. He is my Friend, my King!

Look at how you fall short on your part of what you call this "friendship". You disappoint the One you call Abba.

Lord God, please save me! Free my being from the chains that bind me! Please! I want to be set free!

You don't mean it. Every cry of pain is just an excuse to get someone to pity you. You don't want freedom. You never did.

Save me...before the darkness consumes me...please...

You are the creator of your own darkness! You bind yourself in these chains. You are a fool. He will not act on your behalf because He knows your cries for help are false.

No, I'm not false. I don't want to be false. I...I want to love my God. I want to serve Him!

Even now, your mind seeks out your friends. You have forsaken your God.

O God! Hear me! Free me from my struggle everlasting.

You will never be free. I will kill your soul and heart. You will fall.







*NO. HE IS MY CHILD AND YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HIM. I LOVE HIM, AND ALWAYS WILL. HE WILL BE FREED. YOUR WORDS WILL FALL ON DEAF EARS, AND YOUR BONDS OVER HIM WILL BE BROKEN. BEGONE, YOU SLANDERER. BE IN ME, MY DEAR SON. I WILL BIND YOUR BROKEN HEART, AND I WILL FILL YOUR LIFE WITH MY LOVE. YOU WILL NOT STRIKE YOUR FOOT AGAINST THE STONE. YOU ARE FREE. BE ALIVE. BE WHO I MADE YOU TO BE. AND I AM ALWAYS HERE. ALWAYS*