Class (designator) | [Credits] | --Grade

Hapkido (PED142/242) [2] -- A

Moral problems (PHL118) [3] -- A

Intro to Statistics (STA282) [3] -- A

Philosophy of Religion (PHL230) [3] -- A

Social Psychology (PSY330) [3] -- A

Psychological Testing (PSY310) [3] -- A -

Semester GPA: 3.94
Cumulative GPA: 3.54

:-D

I passed my Hapkido yellow belt test. I have two more exams and a paper. I am fairly confident that I will need to BS something somewhere at some time. Meanwhile, an XNTP has fallen for me. Gasp. Problems: 1) I don't care 2) I am focused on more important things 3) She is currently quite far from what I am looking for 4) She is so dang HOT (this is only a problem BECAUSE of the other three being true : / )

I have been writing quite a lot lately. Mainly posted on xanga or my geocities account, I have lots of poetry and short stories and I keep... writing more. It is crazy. I just start walking and my mind acts like a narrator, adding intricate details to things I didn't even see happen. He gives reasons for why it happened, or reflections of some conjured irony.

Meanwhile, I'm still single and that's okay. There's this Rational though. She reminds me of Daria, except a theist. Although, I'm not sure if she is a Christian -- her roommates are Christians -- because I didn't ask her. I like her laugh and composure.

I like to climb things. It almost got me killed this evening, though, because I climbed a tall buildin, and got on its thin roof with a 35+ft. drop to some pavement. Go me. Praise God.

Daniel 4 has this really cool passage from like... verses 33 through 36 or something. Powerful. Moving. The confession of a man whose sanity was lost but was restored.

I get tested for the yellow belt in Hapkido a week from tonight. crazy.

Heard of Anathallo?

No? Listen to them.

Yes? Like 'em?

I saw them in concert last Friday night. They seemed sweeeeeeeet to me.

Non-Christians, or heck... non-scholars of the Bible... shouldn't argue with me about the Bible.

"Christian Materialism" ... Right. You, sir, spent almost 2 hours giving a presentation on why Dualism must be wrong, and that the Bible doesn't support (or commit itself) to Dualism. Interesting, but hoo-hah, check your sources more in depth. Namely Mathew 10:28, John 4:24, 1 Corinthians 15:42-50, Acts 1:7-8, Luke 23:43, etc.

God's timing is perfect -- I taught about the Resurrection two Sundays ago. I prayed about what God wanted me to teach, and I wouldn't have been as prepared tonight with all those verses had I taught on something else.

INFPs are pretentious.

I am doing some parkour tonight, hopefully. I gotta figure out how to land properly, otherwise I will probably break something tonight. On camera.

What I want..?

1. ~E
2. F -> J
:. ...

ISFJ or INFJ or ISTJ or INTJ or ISTP or INTP

Guideline, not a rule. Laugh, it makes me feel less nerdy.

Who am I? Am I my mind? Am I the summation of my mind and body over time? My body is not my own, what right do I have to my mind? Surely it holds all my thoughts and motivations and desires and hopes and dreams and emotions and pain and all that makes who I am malleable.

I've been doing things wrong. When you run out of life, you run out of time. When you run out of time, you run out of life. Therefore, if you know how to manage your time, then you know how to manage your life. If you mishandle your time, you mishandle your life. I am not entirely convinced in free will, but I know this: I am responsible for my actions.

So what am I doing with my time? Surely I can do better than this. I need to stop focusing on how I relate because I suck at that. Instead, I must first know myself and that will open the gates to what I need to do in life and how I fit in this world. For certain, every person is a puzzle and every human is a piece of a greater puzzle. I must therefore know what shape I am and what I look like in order to relate to the pieces around me. Otherwise I might as well be flipped over or continually rotating randomly until I just happen to fit in.

I am young and foolish. I haven't done much except child's play. I am tired of living like this, and I wonder when I will grow up. I know I have goals in life, but when are those possible if I am just a steam engine with no logs, or a car with no wheels? I need to get myself straight before I can go anywhere.

So this is my focus:
Personal application and reformation. God in my life. Nothing else could possibly matter right now. No school could trump that, no girl is worth pursuing before that, and no time is left to lose.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?
I dare you to move.
Today is all you'll ever have.

Crap, I need to get off my duff.

Okay, so I met this INFJ. I typed her either INTP or INFJ, but it should've been obvious that she was INFJ. They look a lot alike, and have similar patterns of behaviour (introverted, intuitive, strive for competence, etc.). But INTPs tend to be much more rebellious, and would've come out more obviously. Anyway, she was really cute. I asked her out today. (she's like the 3rd person I have ever asked out) She has a boyfriend, which is cool. But... while I can deal with a challenge, I wouldn't want to ruin a 3-year relationship. She was really nice and flattered and such, much in the cute way that INFJs tend to be. But yeah, so she's taken. Onward! A new island approaches!

I was right, but I was wrong.
She was right, but she was wrong.
We were both wrong, and both right.
Love is a choice. And you can't just turn off love.

A little more than a month ago, when she broke it to me, I felt like puking for a day and a half. I never shed a tear, for all my tears for her were shed on the night of August 13th, 2006. After the day of stomach ache had passed, I was fine. Everyhing was dandy. And so it has been, generally, since then.

But as always, there is a remnant that always remains. For when you give your heart, whatever you give, you can't get all of it back. So, you can't just turn off love. I still care for her more than I do most of my friends, but not out of romance. Meh. At least I can get to sleep at night in a timely manner, unlike back in July last year.

And the weird thing is, she is gonna read this.

But I won't go into more detail, really. Because I want to patch things up. I want to move on romantically and find someone else. I met this really cute INFJ, named Jessica. English Major, works at the library. I'ma ask her out. I was about to ask her this evening, but she wasn't there.

And it is hilarious, because on the way to where I expected her to be, my mind froze and my mouth got dry. Anything rehearsed was totally lost. Hah! This reminded me to say to myself, "Jon, just shut up. Don't think of anything elaborate beforehand. It won't be natural and it will be lamer than lame. Just dive in when you get there."

I got like 6 CDs (or rather, 2 double-discs, 3 cds, and a cd for my mom) for a little more than 37 bucks. Sweet deal for new CDs, eh? This is including shipping and handling.

I also bought a water filter and boots today. Yay.

I am identity. Who am I?

One thing I have noticed about life is that it is all about change: new opportunities and additional chances. Every day is new, even if the majority of the happenings are the same crap. But the fact is that we get opportunities to change, and if we fail it isn't that we don't have another chance per se, but rather we don't have the exact same circumstance.

For example, I may try to prove myself trustworthy to someone. Yet if I fail it doesn't mean I cannot prove it further, if anything it would mean that the circumstances have changed somewhat. There is always a chance to do anything, including proving myself trustworthy.

However, death is the opposite. There is nothing that changes, it is simply unmoving and dreary. There are no additonal opportunities or chances, therefore the circumstance will always be the same. One is stuck in that spot forevermore, without hope and without change. That is depressing.

So, if you are alive, you have a chance to do something. To change something. To feel new is all in your head; change is every passing second. If you are alive, you have hope and a possibility to make things right. If you are dead, then why are you reading this?

[edit]
Upon this reflection, I recognize that all those emo kids are committing the fallacy of affirming the consequent. "I suck! I don't have hope, therefore I am dead!!!" ...Losers.

You suck.

Seriously. What the heck?

I am tired of this bullcrap.

There was a robot. A fair machine of minimal importance. A new program was introduced to it, a virus to rot the system. After a long battle to defeat the malicious software, the programmer made a defense. He shut it down, put it into safemode and destroyed every remnant of the virus and its spawn.

After being barraged by the activity of the virus every time the computer ran, the programmer had introduced a protection against it. He had disconnected it from the outside networks to prevent further damage. He thoroughly defended the machine of anything that remotely resembled vulnerability to the type of virus, but that wasn't enough. He needed to test it.

It was tested by a frontal assault from the virus. Nothing. Immunity at last. The programmer had repaired so much of the robot while he was trying to defend it, now he can repair and make significant progress. The virus is defeated and no longer applicable to the computer. The computer can run around with the virus, warning signs will fly but nothing will happen. Stopped. Dead in its tracks.

The computer is running without the virus.

If I wake tomorrow, I have class to attend.

Meanwhile, I am getting better at typing people and prefer observing people in their natural environments. I need to start talking to people myself and engage their minds myself -- the less passive observation. I can see opportunities like I have been needing to, so that is good. I just need to act on them. Because I want a virus.

Tomorrow never comes.

Today is all I have.

I hit the sack expecting another day. I nap expecting to open my eyelids again. I am tired of living like this; it isn't rational, it is lazy, it is impractical.

I am going to go study, I don't know what tomorrow might bring and I have nothing else to do today... by this point.

I got some books for Christmas (among other things):

• Systematic Theology, by Wayne Grudem


• The Best Question Ever: A revolutionary Approach to Decision Making, by Andy Stanley


• Above All Earthly Pow'rs: Christ in a Postmodern World, by David F. Wells


• (and technically Martin Luther's Best Works)

Sweet!

I unexpectedly find myself doing something I didn't plan on doing. I get myself into a new scenario.

I learn. A lot. So much that I wish I learned it sooner, but at the same time... glad I learned it now. Yet all the while, feeling like it was a serious blow to my brain -- like the "Eureka!" you shouted in your head suddenly shook your body with immaterial soundwaves -- you get tired fast.

It inspires me to go on a pilgrimage and totally travel to find extremely new circumstances and situations, reflect and write what I learned... then move on.

And apparently I suck........and ROCK with kids.

I guess school is out. That explains why I haven't seen my classmates in class.

Sleeping for 12 hours is not overrated.

And so far I know I got an A in Philosophy and a B- in English. I haven't heard back from the other two classes.

I have papers to do. Crap.

One more paper, why am I procrastinating???

I decided to go do some minor parkour'ing and stuph outside. Bad idea. It is wet out. Result: sliding off a steel bench causing a bruise on my hand (I need to type) and landing in a very wet flowerbed (I would like to be dry).

Central Michigan University must love me.

Okay, so here's the deal.

I know this girl loves me. This causes me some awkwardness. We were friends and everything. I like being around her and stuph, but honestly... I don't know what she is going to do about it. I was really interested in her a while ago, but as we got closer I was hesitant and foolish simultaneously -- creating a feeling that I wanted her and that I didn't.

So after final exams she'll be going back home. I probably won't be confronted about it until she comes back to CMU. But seriously, I am so torn about this. Why? Because I want to be in control, but she won't give it. She consistently keeps it in her power for either of us to pursue the relationship.

Theoretically, I know how to take the power for myself. But every time I think about it extensively I find myself reconsidering on personal moral grounds. Stupid ethics. Stupid concept of morality which includes individual responsibility. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It has even been keeping me from writing my papers. I hate this.

When I think of our next time we will see each other, in all likelihood, after new years, I get so torn -- do I approach with a hug or do I stand waiting for her to make the first move?

If I make the first move, it makes me wonder: Would I be essentially giving her the power and purpetuating the struggle? But if I do not, then she continues to decide when we move. Conversely, it could be the case that if I move first that it would give me the decision whether we move or not simply by emotional/social/psychological pressure alone.

Matt and I discussed this a lot, only not directly. He claimed that guys are required to make the move in all instances, because if he doesn't then he is submitting to her and giving her the authority.

While I can agree, I don't think it necessarily fits that I would be submitting. For example, perhaps she tries and I say "You are coming to me, but let me think about it." This would essentially feel like the power over decision is wholly rested on me.

Power aside, I do love her. Love aside, I do have a paper to write. Paper aside, I am very ready for a break from this routine.

And I need a car, desperately. Pray for me, please.

P.S.
I was convince the guy was a loser by his composure, dress, conversation style and vocabulary, plus how he and the girl interacted together. The idea that he is an EF just doesn't help his case, I guess.