Okay, so here's the deal.

I know this girl loves me. This causes me some awkwardness. We were friends and everything. I like being around her and stuph, but honestly... I don't know what she is going to do about it. I was really interested in her a while ago, but as we got closer I was hesitant and foolish simultaneously -- creating a feeling that I wanted her and that I didn't.

So after final exams she'll be going back home. I probably won't be confronted about it until she comes back to CMU. But seriously, I am so torn about this. Why? Because I want to be in control, but she won't give it. She consistently keeps it in her power for either of us to pursue the relationship.

Theoretically, I know how to take the power for myself. But every time I think about it extensively I find myself reconsidering on personal moral grounds. Stupid ethics. Stupid concept of morality which includes individual responsibility. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It has even been keeping me from writing my papers. I hate this.

When I think of our next time we will see each other, in all likelihood, after new years, I get so torn -- do I approach with a hug or do I stand waiting for her to make the first move?

If I make the first move, it makes me wonder: Would I be essentially giving her the power and purpetuating the struggle? But if I do not, then she continues to decide when we move. Conversely, it could be the case that if I move first that it would give me the decision whether we move or not simply by emotional/social/psychological pressure alone.

Matt and I discussed this a lot, only not directly. He claimed that guys are required to make the move in all instances, because if he doesn't then he is submitting to her and giving her the authority.

While I can agree, I don't think it necessarily fits that I would be submitting. For example, perhaps she tries and I say "You are coming to me, but let me think about it." This would essentially feel like the power over decision is wholly rested on me.

Power aside, I do love her. Love aside, I do have a paper to write. Paper aside, I am very ready for a break from this routine.

And I need a car, desperately. Pray for me, please.

P.S.
I was convince the guy was a loser by his composure, dress, conversation style and vocabulary, plus how he and the girl interacted together. The idea that he is an EF just doesn't help his case, I guess.