so. i'm just gonna rant and get out some random thoughts here.
i'm not looking for an arguement. these are simply my views. my thoughts. my fears. you know. that sort of thing.

i'm supposed to be studying for a history test but instead the topic of religion rests heavily on my mind.  i went to church tonight. and some of the things they said really made sense. but. church terrifies me. because i know what i've done. some i am not proud of. but. i don't regret it? is that even humanly possible? i don't regret it because to me it is part of growing up. and if given the chance to rewind and do it all over. i wouldn't change anything. i feel as though that makes me a bad person. and the fact that i feel as though i cannot live up to the "Christian" life style just. haunts me.  because. do i call myself a Christian? i believe in God, yes. but. i cuss. occasionally. sometimes more than occasionally. and. a friend was talking about religion and so forth one day at lunch and he asked the question if religious people and "church" people are supposed to be so godly etc. then why are people like cortney, that claim to be godly and whatnot, so mean and hateful.  now. i must admit that i am like that. but. its the persona that everyone has given me and i feel like. i can live up to that. like. they don't set high expectations for me so i don't have much to reach for. at the same time. i feel like there is this whole other person living somewhere deep inside of me that is just screaming to be let go.  and. i guess i just don't see myself as everyone else sees me because i can always find something wrong with me. and. considering my past experience with boys. i just. i have to wonder what is so wrong with me? why am i not dateable? which brings me back full circle to my religion question. if i get things "straight" with God and trust him and what not. then will everything fall into place? and what if it doesn't? i hate being alone. i'm quite terrified of it to be honest. so. what if i become this good person and whatever and i am still alone. i have this fear of just. being alone. i like having someone there and i like knowing that someone thinks highly of me and wants to be with me. but. it seems as though everytime i find someone that thinks this, or feels this way. i either, don't feel the same back, or i do feel the same back and they turn around and screw me over and mess with my head and get me to fall for them and i end up hurt in the long run.  i'm scared of getting close to anyone. which is partly why i have to put on this whole. "act". because i don't want anyone to get close to me. i'm to scared of getting hurt. and i feel like. if i am honest with everyone that just. makes me vunerable. and i can't take that. i'm not emotionally stable enough to be torn down like that again. i am still recovering from my broken heart.  and i'm just. scared i'll never find anyone like him again. i love him. i know i do. i always will. so. how is it fair to anyone else for me to be with them while i am in love with justin? how is this fair to me? that he can control me like this without knowing it and. i don't cross his mind once.  i have also discovered i have a severe problem with. loving myself. because i do not believe that i am good enough. and when i do something. i have to be the best. or else. i feel like a failure. a complete failure. i don't freaking know anymore. oh god. i just. i want someone to explain some of these things to me.

anyways. i'm completely done now.
if you want to respond. go ahead.
but. that's that.


sorry if i sounded arrogant. or anything.
sorry if you disagree.
but. i cannot apologize for how i feel.


thanks for listening.<3