Press hard

Make sure what is done is finished.

Let the agony

Turn into sweet relief from the pain.

Such warmth, pulsating

Was the beginning and now will represent the end.

Orbs will stare back

Hazel and cold when you find where the deed was done

and a life begun ends.

Although I haven't been updating much I immensley enjoy reading up on everyone's life and have done so faithfully. Yet here lately with the numerous posts about leaving to begin the journey that leads into a life of one's own I have executed many one sided coversation in my own little world...my mind.

I find it almost sad that everyone looks around and sees a place where they have grown up, with all the friends they created many a memory with through the numerous years of friendship, and they know they are leaving it for college of the misc. other things. Maybe it's jealousy because I never technically had a graduating class that I had gone through school with...the only year I went to high school in Murfreesboro I was in between classes {{never technically a junior and never technically a senior}} then I ran straight for the college campus. I look at all the people I had grown up with in Montana and wonder what life has been like spending the last two years as if nothing changed. What would it have been like if I had been able to enjoy my highschool years with all those I had grown up with? Would college have been a bit more scarey instead of something that was considered a simple upgrade?

I know all of this is crazy talk and not much of it probably makes sense, but I'm just off thinking about what could have or would have been if I wasn't here... there are a few things that never would have happened either though. Pros and cons...here we go.

If I had stayed in Montana:

I would have never finished high school in 3 years

I would have never met Herschel

I would have never gone to college right away

I would have never enjoyed a choral competition in New York City

I would have never met so many people I love (oh you know who you are!)

so many more...

I would have gone back to China to teach english for a few more years

I would have continued in my Thespian passion

I would have been with those I grew up with

I would have continued playing tennis, basketball and volleyball

I would have had a second or even third letter and 4 plus pin for my lettermans jacket

Oh lord... it's a pity party post. To bad! Love you all!

I miss Montana and every person I grew up with there. I miss the things I once use to do with them like steal construction cones at 3 in the morning or tell stories of days old because we were romantics. Sadly I know that even if I went back it wouldn't be as I had left it. Those who were left in Great Falls continued their life as much as I did. They aren't where we use to be together...so much has changed.

Herschel and I want to go up there together...I think we will once we're engaged so that Uncle Lee can meet him...

I'm to much like him

She's to much like her

But in the long run the eldest takes up for her clone

It's annoying... so maybe I wasn't ever a make up/ fashion person. Frankley I'm still not but I like to cover up some blemishes but otherwise simplicity and comfort are more my style.  I hate that just because I'm not mile long legs with an attitude to follow along that I have to take the crap the younger one dishes out.

utopian dream

such a wasteland

of promises in vain

it's jagged edges tearing into my soul.

Truth to the Myth

of what i had found,

a blank paged fairy tale

open for the world to criticize.

Yesterday's goals, dim memories

swooned by appeal

when numbness lured

in darkness' revenge.

Tell the story

of ignorance in bliss

my own Atlantis

the mirage of fool's paradise

envelopes the chicanery

in umbra created by failure

I miss it all

Being in the cold valley

A true rustler

"Happy Birthday...Oh happy birthday...

Gloom and Misery fill the air

People Dying everywhere

Happy Birthday...Happy Birthday"

We use to sing this in our choir class in Montana...it was funny as all get out but most people don't understand it.

I'm 18 tomorrow...

Herschel is doing well, his surgery lasted longer than we expected and there was more damage than first thought but he is alive and well.

I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow...so there

Most people our age would be counting down to the day they turn eighteen...the day they become legal and an independent adult. Why am I so different then? Last night Herschel and I were playing pool and he said something about two Wednesdays from now and how excited I must be. I just stared at him like he was a nut and racked my brain for what in the world he was talking about {You know those great blonde moments}. He returned the look and rolled his eyes telling me "It's your birthday goob!"

Who would have known that the birthday is creeping up on me? I don't like birthdays...well my own at least... and I do not like celebrating it either. On the other hand I love to do a bunch of stuff for other people. I love kidnapping {Cameron} throwing bashes at church {David and Joy} or just being goobs together {Herschel}. My parents are wanting to know what I want...how I want to celebrate it...yadda yadda. I don't know and quite frankly I don't care.

No I lie. There is one thing I want to do on my birthday, but out of the respect for Cameron won't do until after prom. I'm going to get my first tattoo. Woot. Kind of cliche but who gives a rip? I've been designing my own tattoo since I was 14 and have had many a design but I have settled for something I can add onto in the future if I want to. It also honors the memory of my grandmother {who died recently} so I'm excited.

Other than that Herschel has to go in for surgery for his thumb and hand on Firday, March 17th. I'm scared to death, I know he and his family are too.  Please pray for him ya'll... even if you don't know him. Although it is an in/out patient surgery he's out of commission for 12 weeks because of the nature of the operation... In other words we are going to have to amuse eachother until mid JUNE! Oi!

Thanks for listening to my rambling.... 

To those who were wondering: Although I had a bad relapse Thursday night {or Friday morning whichever} I have finally broken my fever and have been deemed "Flu-less" but I still have problems with the lungs so thoughts are always appreciated. Oh! No more drugs...they made me angry after the fourth night of using them so they are put somewhere.

For the main event: How often have we met someone in life, deemed them as "best friend" and some how fallen out of sync with them? I'm grateful for people like Ashley and SumSum-- people who never seem to go away [[Not that it's a bad thing]]-- but I have always wondered what happens to those who have gone their own way.

All of this was sparked by one person. It's ackward to me to think of her. How horrible to say such a thing about one you once considered to be "my better half". I haven't spoken with her in over two years and haven't seen her in an equal amount of time... and yet here I am thinking about Niky. We use to make up the most stupid words because she and I couldn't seem to stop giggling or talking long enough to speak a proper word; in essence we had our own language. To say the least we were inseperable for years on end. Niky and I went everywhere with eachother, enjoyed the same crushes, talked about everything....the girl practicely lived at my house! -- we knew eachother's houses like the backs of our own hands and it was no suprise when we got what we wanted when we wanted it... there never was any asking. We had the most stupid nick names for eachother and eventually ended up doing the most idiotic, but memorable things together! Who would have known that a few years later "Lucy and Ethel" would ever split up? I happened though....and over an arguement about an eating disorder.

Katty Blue Bonnet. Oh I love that girl but it's so hard to ever get a hold of her. To think that moving a few thousand miles away would halt the daily chatter and weekly visits...who would have thought it? We both simply have lives opposite of each other and it is ackward to update with one another for some reason or another. Yet we press through once in a while. We have name upon name for each other but our favorites involve the felonies we commited together. Stalkers, belly button rings, disobediance and so much more is tucked under the belt of our frienship--she was the one who helped buy a ring for the one mistake I made willingly. We made movies about frogs we caught and ran through the streets of China together...loved together... and cried together. When she visited we hid her smoking while she thought Tony was hot [[I'll get that picture one day]]. Now it's hard to chat once in a while. Our lived continue to go on without eachother...

Then there was Anna. She and I were the oddest of pairs. Being petite, blonde and blue eyed Anna was always concerned with how she looked and always dressed to the nines--I on the other hand was the tall brunette who simply liked to be who I am. Yet we both sang, loved poetry, were poetic and hopeless romantics. God was a number one priority for both of us and [[yet again]] we were inseperable. Nick names never came into play because we were at that age in which we thought sophistication was the best thing-- yet we were constantly doing eachother's hair, trying new make-up and fashion ideas and taking about crushes. We were the girls who would drive around town at 4 in the morning just to do it and we slept in the camper so we could make all the noise we wanted. Now we don't even talk... we did for a while after I moved but then she stopped picking up the phone...so tempted to call her.

There was another one here in the prime of the south: Tennessee...but I would never go into that. It simply would be a waste of space since neither of us would agree on what happened.

Once more thank you to those who have stuck through it...you are AMAZING! Now that it is three in the morning maybe I'll go be restless somewhere else....and I'll come back and read this and delete it...yeah

It's amazing how much we grow throughout the years. No one ever thought that the one person {{or in some cases the many people}} you loved like a brother or sister and seemed to be connected at the hip with would grow distant. A wise and crazy kitchen dancer once told me my problem is is that I have to strong a nurturing personality. I like to befriend those who need help with some thing at the time and when their better or have wiped their feet all over me I let them go and fine some one new. Eh...

And I just can't hide it!

Tomorrow is Valentine's day (Guys...if you read this before tomorrow nigh then I am saving you a world of heart ache) and it is the first I get to spend with the one person I can truely say I will spend the rest of my life with. I have everything set up for the next two days...little clues, big suprises and really good dinners...and I must say it has been a blast figuring out everything to do. Herschel Lynn will be suprised by the distance I went to get all of this done for him and I know he will appreciate it. That's just his nature.

On a completely different note (maybe a f sharp) I'm still sad about a good friend. I have now not seen him since Super Bowl Sunday and it makes me upset to a point. I don't know what to do with him but Glory says it's written all over his face what he is going through. Am I that blind? On the other hand my mom says he should be grateful that he has such a good gal friend who will stop everything, work her butt off searching for the best of the best and make sure a special night of his will be fun and unforgettable. I have an eerie feeling everything will be finalized when he backs out. That would be sad!

Once more another thought. Since NO ONE decided to tell me what they wanted for valentines then they get nothing... I repeat NOTHING! I am not to be one responsible for those who cannot help me. I guess..

Well I love you all! Can't wait until tomorrow!

I like chocolate. Scratch that...I LOVE chocolate. It makes everything better.

I'm looking to go back to Montana for about a week or more in May. I miss everyone there but I know they have gone on with their lives without me and having me come back in would disrupt a few things I'm sure. On top of that the plane ticket is $500. I don't have that kind of money! I just ran out of mulah today finishing my shopping for valentines day. {Which by the way means everyone I love better leave a comment telling me if they like chocolate or butter cupcakes and if they want chocolate or white or both frostings and whether or not there should be sprinkles....OH! and your favorite coooookie!}

I miss my musical man. :-( I never get to talk to him anymore and I thinkour friendship has gone down the tubes. I love him to death though and always will. Darn him for being so loveable!

I love that saying.

Today was actually quite good. I woke up with a head ache and went to my dreaded morning class where I felt like a complete idiot because my teacher said I'm to quiet when I say "here" for role and that I would have to come up to the front to talk to him afterwards. I'm half sleeping still. Leave me alone.

Went shopping with money I don't have. It was fun. I have this huge elaborate plan for Valentine's with Herschel (thanks to Ashley and my collaberative thinking) and it's going to take the next two weeks and 5 days to finish. Fun thing is he'll get two days worth of clues--which amuses me immensley.

Oh! If anyone knows where I can get an inexpensive pair of red heels I would be much appreciative.

I'm going to bed...I have music in the morning and already I don't want to get up.

I can't find my campus map...

I have three classes to attend and I don't know where I'm going.

Steph

Tomorrow seems to be a pending transaction with the devil.

I know I shouldn't be so negative about going back to spring semester classes when I have had a nice month long break but at the moment I can't seem to conjure any thought that could possibly be positive about going back to the monotonous routin of college classes. No...I lied. I am out almost everyday before 12 pm. The only exception to this lovely thing is one of my lectures that is in the middle of the day. Couldn't have a perfect schedual now could I?

Looking for a part time job at the moment...pretty sure I'll end up looking into cleaning houses. I already do that for two people and make $220 a month so why not join something that offers a starting wage of $10? Then again I like having a little bit of a social life and I hate cleaning up after ungrateful people. Herschel said that I would be on the job and someone would ask me to do something for them and the first words out of my mouth, after a nice long eye roll, would be "You made the mess you clean it up. I have other things to do." Sadly daddy laughed and agreed. So I have a very outspoken opinion...I can't help that I know what I think!

So maybe I won't be going into the cleaning thing...two houses is good enough. I have some options open and there is no hurry because daddy and Herschel both with take care of me, they both like that I think I'm going to be an independent little girl but at the same time they are always there to help.

Got a new car...finally out of the mommy-mobile after four years of driving it. I'm grateful as all get out for the vibe and can't wait to show my daddy how much. I already suprised him by buying my tags and license plate while also calling into the insurance company to see how much it would be to move the van to a liability only and the vibe to full coverage. Even with all of that said and done daddy says I'll be back in a mini van in a few years when I get married. I laughed at him.

Herschel came to church with me this Sunday and I'm proud to say that we have both talked to his parents and they have agreed that he could come to Christian Life instead of his home church and they are even considering seeing what grabbed Herschel's heart in one visit. He loved Paster Ron's sermon, he felt Ron was real and down to earth. I love that he can love the chruch that I call home.

Anyway enough babble. Off to bed with me so I can get up in time for school! See you all around.

~Stephanie

Home

Chicago is a great place to visit, honestly....just not three to five times a year! Having family spread throughout the world does have it's advantages and I love seeing them all and hate to part when it comes time to come home but (and yes there is a but) I wanted to be home with all of my extra family (friends). Ah well.

I know it's late but Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone enjoyed their time off school and the moments they spent with family and friends...including the hours you spent in scavenger hunt mode looking for the perfect gift for each person you cherish.

Okay I'm done writting...but I have one more thing to put here and if you don't show up you know I still love you.

People I miss Badly!

My Fiance

Sum-Sum

Kaytte Blue Bonnet

Babushka

Chi

Joy

Jess

Chocolate

Sambo

Gracie J.

Anthony

Papou

Got this in an e-mail and got excited!

Decided to post it to remind myself and let other's know!

Hey Ladies,
"The Perfect Dress", the NEW boutique off the square that specializes in Bridal, Formal, Prom and Pageant dresses is offering 10% off with your student I.D. You can also shop there for accessories like earrings, belts, necklaces, purses, and other fun stuff! Stop by and get your stocking stuffers today!

The Perfect Dress
216 West Main
Across from Casa Burrito

Hey all!

  Aren't breaks suppose to be relaxing, some what fun and....well.... a break? Who ever said that is just silly. Tuesday night I got my phone confinscated because my sister yelled at me and my mom thought it was the opposite (me yelling at Ali). Fine...be that way. I'm not stupid you know? Anyone who has t-mobile knows that there is a "sims card" in the back of your phone that contains all information for you and you can transfer phones with no problems.

Hehehehe....

I gave her my cell phone and kept the sims card. Genious? No? Yeah well it was for like a half an hour then I found out I couldn't find my old cell phone to stick the card in. Fine then! But then again I'm sneaky to a point anyway and not defeated to easily. I waited until my parents were asleep then I snuck down stairs and got the cell phone (always in the same hiding place) and called a few people....and didn't call a few others (sorry Cameron!).

Here comes the bad part. bum BuM BUMMM! Dad found out so there goes the home phone too. Well that was only Tuesday. Wednesday opened a whole new can of worms. I had to travel around looking for a new stove (cause I broke the other...long story) and then wait until it came. On top of that I didn't feel good and Ali and Mom were at it again. Oh well.

Thursday I read in my room all day...happy thanksgiving...and had an over all blah day. I found out my internet is broken on my lap top and my computer guy went out of business so I'm basicaly having to sneak onto sites my dad doesn't like on his computer. Yesterday my dad woke me up at 5 in the morning and I never came home until about 11 last night. Zonked out without another thought.

And now here I am without a phone...a computer...and a social life.

Love you all!!!!

I have holes in my top and bottom, my left and right, and in the middle. But I still hold water. What am I?

Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?

What goes around the world but stays in a corner?

The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?

Throw it off the highest building, and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I?

I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?

I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?

I am mother and father, but never birth or nurse. I'm rarely still, but I never wander. What am I?

As a whole, I am both safe and secure.
Behead me, and I become a place of meeting.
Behead me again, and I am the partner of ready.
Restore me, and I become the domain of beasts.
What am I?

I fly, yet I have no wings. I cry, yet I have no eyes. Darkness follows me; lower light I never see.

What walks on four legs in the morning, two at mid-day, and three in the evening?

What is it that, after you take away the whole, some still remains?

I have hands that wave at you,
Though I never say goodbye.
It's cool for you to be with me,
Especially when I say, "HI."
What am I?

You can have me but cannot hold me;
Gain me and quickly lose me.
If treated with care I can be great,
And if betrayed I will break.
What am I?

My tines be long,
My tines be short
My tines end ere
My first report.
What am I?

My thunder comes before the lightning;
My lightning comes before the clouds;
My rain dries all the land it touches.
What am I?

..: If anyone wants the answers to any of theses message me the riddle and I'll send you the answer!::.

Even if one doesn't want to come to terms with things that are uncontrolable, it is life to do just that. To the one who touched my heart....maybe it was at the wrong time.