I really don't know what to say. At this particular moment, I'm flooded by every emotion in the spectrum. And a lot hinges on a discussion that I hope will come along tomorrow.

This is sink or swim. Things will either go great or I will lose basically my best friend and their incredible value to me. Everything is a balancing act. And as optimistic as I am, I can't help but wonder if once again something will cause the house of cards to collapse beneath me as it did last night. Record rebuild time, but we shall see.

I need to pray and think and sleep. My final goal would hurt someone. I dont want that, but if the worst case scenario happens, our roles would be swapped, with massive "political" fallout.

I dont know. Prayers always.

I hope that song doesnt strike again like it seems poised to off and on.

As if today wasnt already planning on sucking as it is.

I now find myself with a gaping wound. A trust that I held reluctantly against my better judgement has been shattered. Certain things will leave me paranoid forevermore (which is a retardedly sappy ensemble son which might actually make me feel better right now), especially when I'm away. And weather permitting I will be away this weekend. Bloody perfect timing.

Not only are Wednesdays the day that things always happen (a comment which Amy Bonin might remember with slight amusement from a few summers ago as well), but every time one of my favorite songs is played in worship things go bad. The first occurence was the night that Matthew announced to AO he was leaving. Of course, no offense to our previous college pastor, the result has been beautiful. Once more it played with a much lesser annoyance occurring. And again tonight. The specific line that always jumps out at me and builds fear in me will not be spoken for fear of speaking things into being, lol, but "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" is at times a bit too ironic for me to handle.

I got in bed at 12:15. Got up at 1. Was on the phone until 3:45. I doubt very highly that I will be getting much more sleep tonight, and that shall make my long day even longer.

I hurt. Yet in the midst of that hurt, several things bring odd amounts of comfort. For one thing, my ridiculously twisted sense of humor rarely fails to pull me out of a bind, even in the case of making a joke out of my own hurt. Honesty. I never really thought that simple honesty would go as far to make me feel better about a dreadful situation. The simplest virtues really can go a long way sometimes. So can a humble, sincere apology, even if it lacks a change of behavior.

God knows that I've been quietly praying to Him for hours now. And as much as mine are constant, all of your prayers would be great as well. More than evereverever. For me, my friend, and the fool who has all of this twisted up right now.

I know I shouldnt worry. This time I'm not worried about what is going to happen with everything. No, certainly not worried.

I am positively terrified.

Once again, nothing to do at work. Leave me some love. I miss people.

Yeah, I'm bored at work. Not much to do. I helped get the department caught up so now we're all bored, lol. Bosses all at lunch, so it's just the students running the show right now.

I'm having a hard time with some stuff. Nothing huge, just difficulty understanding things. Still confused tho. Prayer always is appreciated :-). That and assurance that things will work out.

I now know better than before where things are headed. But that'll take compromise. And that is scary too.

Some things are starting to settle down. So I think I get a breather, and more things get shaken up. I'm really confused, lol. I wish I knew what was going on. And I wish . . . I wish a lot of things. And I know most of them arent gonna happen. I'm nervous. Very nervous. I can't afford to worry, but I find myself trying to again. We'll see what goes. I always jump to worst-case scenarios and I'm only in the ballpark half of the time. So . . . we'll have to see.

Prayer please.

*confused tears, not sure what for*

The Soundtrack of My Life
- Opening Credits: "College Kids" by Relient K
- Waking-Up scene: "Breakfast" by The Newsboys
- Average Day scene: "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins
- Falling In Love scene: "I Want To Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles
- Love Scene: Susanna's Soul Piece as performed by Susanna Robinson
- Fight With a Friend scene: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park
- Break-Up/Post Break-Up scene: "Forgotten" by Avril Lavigne
- Lonely scene: "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne
- Get Back Together scene: "Mood Ring" by Relient K
- Fight scene: "Kick Me" by Plus One
- Wandering Around Randomly scene: "Mission's Flame" by Matt Redman
- Heartbreak scene: "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne
- Mental Breakdown scene: "Going Crazy" by Plus One
- Driving scene: "Phenomenon" by Thousand Foot Crutch
- Sex scene: "Lala" by Ashlee Simpson
- Dream sequence: "The Prophet Song" by Queen
- Party scene: "Jump, Jump, Jump" by Joy Williams
- Happy Dance scene: "Love, Liberty, Disco" by The Newsboys
- Regret scene: "I Am Understood" by Relient K
- Long Night Alone scene: "The Thirst Is Taking Over" by Skillet
- Closing credits: "One Day More" from Les Miserables

You were destined to have a Red Lightsaber.

Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is
associated with energy, war, danger, strength,
power, and determination as well as passion and
desire. You have seen the Strength and Power of
the Dark Side of the Force and have you thirst
for more of it.


What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla


As we all know, I am a bit of a strangeling. This shows through in more things than we can possibly imagine, I'm sure. For example, as a general rule I think the most clearly when I am mowing the yard or washing the dishes. Strange, I know.

That being said, the rest of my post probably will have nothing to do with that.

I'm nervous right now. For several reasons. A friendship is on the rocks, not because of a quarrel with the friend, but one with said parents. I wish I was totally innocent in causing that, but I'm not. Nor are they. But I know that splitting blame is unlikely to fly. So I have to find some way to admit defeat without feeling like a doormat myself. It's a twisted position. But in the long run, I'd rather there be peace with everyone than there being my insistance I'm right. Only in this case, of course ;-)

Possibly even more intimidating than that situation is that coming this fall, I'm going to be responsible for a Bible Study group of guys, one of AOs J-Groups. Now, I can spill out logical beliefs and Bible verses as much as I want, but actually being in a teaching position will put a much higher level of accountability on me. I know I certainly can't hack it on my own, only by God's Grace will I be able to be effective and speaking God's truth and not my propaganda. But as my friends Layne, Ellen, and Rachel before me have shown, if I do rest in Him, I will be able to handle it. Layne who would rather admit not knowing than give a wrong guess. Rachel who is so amazing and is gonna head up a larger study for girls' now. Ellen, who no matter how many times she has said she has no wisdom, she blows me away totally with whatever she says next. The three of them have been blessed, and I can only hope to have half of their commitment and blessing.

I have been extremely encouraged to watch Jason Adkins the last several weeks. He seemed rather meek when I first met him, though meek with a certain comedic edge that always shined through. But seeing him take the reigns as interim college pastor for AO has simply been incredible. There is just something there. He is a true leader in that he makes me want to be a better leader, too. I am blessed to know him and I hope that all of you, whether already in AO or incoming, will get to know him too.

I'm not perfect. By ANY stretch or fabrication. I wont claim to be (aside from in jest like on Dad's Father's Day card). I dont like all I've done or all that I sometimes still do, and sometimes I consider letting that overcome me. Those times serve as a reminder to me though. A reminder that God's Grace is greater than the sum of my mistakes by a trillion trillion trillion times. By the Blood of Christ I am clean, mere filthy rags without.

Fear is a natural thing. Worry is an instinctive reaction. While caution is prudent enough, where do fear and worry get us but into a cycle more of the same? Things are going to scare us and we can't escape that, but why dwell? Dwelling on it will simply cause greater fear and pain. Trust in Jesus. He'll work it out just right, whether it is right the way we wanted it or not. Tomorrow will attend to itself. Today is all that we are promised, and not necessarily all of that.

Jesus is Lord. Simple as that. Today, tomorrow, yesterday. Forever. That is vastly comforting.

God Bless, Hasta la pasta, love you all!

-GW

I want to do something fun. I'm bored. And hungry. And popsicle. Ish.

Ya know, it's really kinda funny how much God can speak to and encourage me by speaking to and encouraging someone else.

I absolutely love that.



Oh, and another thing, it was absolutely awesome to have my old Sunday School class in AO with me on Sunday morning again. I love you all and I dont think I realized how much I missed some of you being around until then. :-) I know it'll be a transition, but I know you'll be as blessed by it as I will be by your presence :-)

Not so much to say really.

I'm glad everyone had a great time at Big Stuf. I wish to no end that I could have been there too. :-(

Everything else is pretty status quo. Have to see what goes. Leave me some love.

-Me

My will to keep going is gradually lessening. I fear the next few days with most of those I care about out of town and one of the people who I have been through everything with is being torn away by lack of understanding and anger.

I dont know what to do.

I dont know what I want to do.

"Everything else can burn. I dont care anymore." Londo Mollari, Babylon 5: Season 3 Episode 15: "Interludes and Examinations"

I'm sorry for offending all of you. I sincerely am.

I'm sorry for apparently misspeaking about certain people. I was told that issues were there that apparently arent. I'm sorry that I wouldnt tell. I really am. I was trembling on the phone because of how badly I wanted to tell. But I had promised not to. I took my phone, woke up my mother, and asked her to. I hope that at the least you can recognize and understand that I was broken as to how to respond and I couldnt bring myself to do it myself, but I did make sure you found out. This may have finally broken any chances of you working with me, but I hope not. I honestly pray that we may all get past this and work to patch these horrific wounds.

To another, I'm sorry that I did allow the information to be given. I wanted so bad to keep the trust, but I allowed Mom to make the call so I didnt have to. I hope that I am able to hear from you tomorrow or otherwise very soon to figure out if things are okay with everything. I'm sorry, and I hope that all things work out for all friends, family members, and the like that are involved. Again, I hope that all wounds may be patched.

To all else affected, especially though one who will likely not read this, I am sorry for any hurt my involvement might have caused. I truly am.

My only question is whether or not this can be worked past. There were misunderstandings and good intentions gone bad on all sides.

Can we fix it? Please?

Cry havoc . . . .

It appears things are a lot worse than imagined. I could use some prayer, but a friend of mine could use FAR more.

I'm sorry and scared.

Darnedest thing is that I wasnt directly the spark this time. And I fear that may be my fault too.

Well, parents just left for Texas. Now that they're gone and reading stuffs, I wonder if this weekend is gonna be any good or if I should just sleep through it. We'll see.

Well, today was my first day of Kroger training. This training today consisted entirely of boring informational programs on the computer. I hope that tomorrow I'll actually get to DO something.

I miss people. I want money. Wow, I'm weird.

Soooo . . . yeah.

Well, it is fun to have something new to mess around with. Especially since Xanga is mostly dried up. MOSTLY. There are gems here and there. Anywho, I'm bored. Are you?

Another cool thing to try! Rock on!