I have many questions.  Have you ever asked something with a glimpse of hope but knowing that the chances were really slim?  That's kinda how I feel right now, not that it should concern you, although I suppose other things I've posted would concern others more, hence all these questions towards me, such as the infamous "Is school getting to you?"  No, it's just dreadfully boring, lowers my self-esteem, makes me feel very alone.  Other than that, it's fantastic; but really, there are definite good points.  The choirs here are enjoyable to say the least, and I know people well enough to have things to do on several occasions.  One of the larger problems spawns from the fact that I'm stuck in between Christianity and secularism (if there is such a word as that).  No matter what I do then, there's always the shadow of my being kind of a parvenu.  I don't know though.  I think for the most part I shove myself into corners by desiring to be maverick and then regretting it later for feeling ostracized, regardless of whether I actually am a maverick or ostracized.  There are definite times I've felt ostracized without attempting to appear "against the tide" of what I perceived as mediocre and dull.  Everytime I travel back home, I feel even more out of sync than I do here.

Speaking of which, it made me stop today when I heard that Pastor Lowrance was praying for me.  Many people say it, but he's different.  In fact, there was one time over Christmas break when I shook his hand and was scared to death of him, not because he's unkind--he's a very approachable and well-meaning character--but because I know the Spirit dwells with him continually, or, more or less, overflows from him.  I've never felt the same about anyone else I've met, which gives me the impression that whatever God allows him to do will be successful as the Spirit sees fit.  Even in moving away for spirituality, there are still some things I won't disregard or totally ignore, one of those being the movement of the Holy Spirit.  I've figured, from my own expeditions in experimentation, that anyone who uses body-altering substances frequently without cause (a generalized substance abuse) can not be filled with the Holy Spirit on a continual basis.  So if you ever hear from someone who spends much of their time drinking and getting drunk, they're not filled.  It's like this, and you may disagree with me.  The Holy Spirit is like the apex of the natural high, so far as I can tell; but He's far more than any sort of manmade drug.  Now, as to why I haven't really applied this to my life, that's another story for another day and another train of logic.  That is, however, the conclusion I've come to.