i thank You God for most this amazingday:for the leaping greenly spirits of treesand a blue true dream of sky;and for everythingwhich is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birthday of life and love and wings:and of the gaygreat happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeingbreathing any--lifted from the noof all nothing--human merely beingdoubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake andnow the eyes of my eyes are opened)  -ee cummings 

1. You, I have so much hope for.  I'm very proud of you.  You are ambitious but kind, strong but gentle.  I'm very lucky that we ended up the way we are.  I'm not worried about your future, kiddo.
2. Can I help myself?  No.  It was very brief and very long ago, but I still wonder.  My mother warns me about people like you, but I think you're a good example of my future.  And I still have my suspicians about you.  You'll go far, anyway.
3. I'm sorry.  I wish I had been more open-minded.  I regret the way I handled things, and if I had a chance now, I would be less callous.  You deserve better.
4. There aren't words, really.  You are you, and I love you for that.  I respect you for that.  You're not afraid of yourself or what you can do, and I admire that.  I need you.  I really do.  Don't forget me.
5. I wish things could have been different.  I wish the situations were tweaked, I wish it all could have happened earlier.  I was so excited, too, just because I know when I've met a kindred spirit.  And it didn't happen, and it's mostly your fault.
6. You make me nervous sometimes, but then I always realize it's for no reason.  I rely on you, and never run out of things to say to you.  What else is there?  You made my high school experience.  Thank you.
7. I don't understand you - in a good way.  You make me smile, you make me laugh, you can be annoying, but I respect you.  Don't rush ahead.  Enjoy it.  Don't give up on the things you love.  Don't let others bring you down.
8. I did, I really did, for a long time, and more than I ever had before.  I don't now, and I'm very glad.  You have no idea the extent of it.  You would be embarrased.  You have potential - don't blow it.  Be yourself, even when it scares you. 
9. I don't blame you for my shortcomings, and I don't begrudge you your successes, whatever impression I may have given you.  You really do shine, which is why you succeed.  Don't worry so much, it's all there within you. 
10. I don't know how I feel about you.  I know what you were, what you were later, and what you are now.  I'm afraid I don't buy your explanation.  I think you need to honestly examine yourself, and also watch how you handle your relationships.
11. I would have no self-esteem without you.  Honestly, has there ever been a more affirming person?  You and her and her.  I love you all.  I wish I could give you more than what I have. You gave me so much, and I don't think you realize it.

 

"When you come home to me,
I'll wear a sweeter smile,
and maybe for a while, I'll..."
Oh - okay, thank you.  Thank you so much.

 

I'm climbing uphill, daddy, climbing uphill...
I'm up every morning at 6,
and waiting in line with 200 girls
who are younger and thinner than me...
who have already been to the gym.
I'm waiting 5 hours in line
And watching the girls, coming and going,
in dresses that look just like this...
til my number is finally called.

 

When I get in the room
There's a table of men.
Always men.
...usually gay.
Who've been sitting like I have
And listening all day
To 200 girls belting as high as they can:
"I am a good person!
I'm an attractive person!
I am a talented person!
Grant me grace!"

*ahem*

"When you come home
(I should have told them I was sick last week,
They're going to think this is the way I sing...
Why is the pianist playing so loud?
Should I sing louder?  I'LL SING LOUDER.
Maybe I should start and stop over...
I'm going to stop and start over...
Why is the director staring at his crotch?
Why is that man staring at my resume??
Don't stare at my resume...
I made up half my resume...

Look at me, stop looking at that,
Look at me!
No, not at my shoes,

don't look at my shoes,
I hate these f-ing shoes!
Why did I pick these shoes,
why did I pick this song,
why did I pick this career,
Whyyyyy

does this pianist hate me??
If I don't get a callback I can go

to Crate and Barrell with mom and buy a couch.

Not that I want to spend a day with mom,
But Jamie needs space to write
Since I'm obviously such a horrible and annoying distraction
to him, what's he going to be like when we have kids...)

 And once again,
(Why am I working so hard??
These are the people who cast Linda Blair in a musical!
Jesus Christ, I suck, I suck, I suck, I suuuuuuck...)
When finally you come home to-"
Oh - okay, thank you.  Thank you so much!

 

 

I will not be the girl
who stays home in the 'burbs
with the baby, the dog, and the garden of herbs.
I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes
Pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues.

I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels
to be trotting along at the genius's heels.
I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by!
And I -

 

"When you come home to me,
I'll wear a sweeter smile,
and maybe for a while, I'll..."
Oh - okay, thank you.  Thank you so much.

 

 

 

 

 

(From The Last 5 Years)

...doesn't scare me as much as it did before orientation.  Actually, except for leaving my friends and family, I am really, really excited about starting at OSU this fall!  It will be crazy to be part of something so big and well-known, a major jump from Siegel High School, but I think I'm ready.  I have  good schedule, too:

 

English H202: British Literature.  M/W  1:30-3:18
Humanities H100: Humanities Survey.  M/W/F  8:30-9:18

Linguistics H202: Intro to Language in the Humanities.  T/TH  1:30-3:18

Math 150: Pre-calculus.  M/W/F  10:30-11:18; T/TH 9:30-10:18

 

 

I'm pretty sure being a Buckeye is going to be awesome.  :)

Europe was beautiful.

 

 

But that silly old cliche is as true as ever:
there's no place like home.

 

Tomorrow I leave for Europe.  Italy, Greece, Monaco.  3 and a half weeks.  It's pretty crazy, and I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

 

It's definitely going to be an experience!

There aint no reason things are this way
Its how they always been and it tends to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday
Preachers on the podeum speaking of saints
Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change
old ladies laughing from the fire escape cursing my name
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing
You can spend you whole life working for something,
Just to have it taken away
People walk aroun pushing back their debts
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and braceltes
Talking bout nothing, not thinking bout' death
Every little hearbeat, every little breath
People walk a tight rope
On a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatrid and weapons
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence

There ain't no reason
Things are this way
It's how they've always been
and its tends to stay
I dont know why I say
The things that I say
But I say them anyway
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set my free yes.

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep building bombs, gonna drop them all
Working young fingers bear to the bone
Breaking your back make you sell your soul
Like a lung its filled with cold, sufficating slow
The wind blows wild and I may move
The politions lie and i am not fooled
you don't need no reason or a three piece suit
To argue the truth
The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Labor is stiched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and comotion wherever I go
Love I try to follow

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set my free yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
Its how its always been and it tends to stay
I can't explain why we live this way,
We do it everyday.

To my future offspring:

My name is Christina, and you don’t know who I am.  You don’t know who your father is; neither do I.  You don’t know what it means to be alive; I’m still working on that one too.  However, I’d like to give you an early welcome to existence here on planet earth, and tell you what I know of it.

First of all, I love you.  I’m sure that will excite you at first, but the appeal of that statement will probably lessen as you grow older.  Still, it’s the most important thing you need to know during your early years...and for the rest of your life.  I love you.  Even now, before you’re born.  And when I’ve actually met you – my love for you will be outrageous.  I won’t just tolerate you.  I won’t just raise you dutifully.  I will truly and fully love you.  Remember that.

And with that in mind, take heed that much of the rest of the world won’t love you, nor will they give you an easy time.  It may seem cruel to bombard you so quickly with the harsher realities of life – after all, you aren’t even a baby yet – but love is tough and you need to hear it.  You will face fear that makes your heart tremble.  You will experience pain that nearly cripples your spirit.  You will witness injustice that you cannot make right, accidents you cannot prevent, tragedies you cannot bear.  You will see innocence trampled, friendship betrayed, greatness brought low. 

And though I wish – I wish, beyond anything – that I could bring you into a world where dreams are always realized, and good always conquers evil, I cannot.  But what I can do for you, I will.  And what I can do is instill in you the skill and the character it takes to survive and even flourish in a world that will try its hardest to impress upon you your own unimportance.  I will push you hard.  I will ask you difficult questions.  I will not accept mediocrity.  I will punish you when you’ve done wrong.  And always, I will make you apologize when you’ve hurt someone.

By now, you’re probably questioning whether you even want to give living a try, and if you still find existence tempting, you’re probably wondering where you can get a new mother.  But don’t worry.  My list of promises isn’t finished yet.  Because you will need more than discipline, more than morality to get you through life.

You’ll need love.  Yes, back to love again.  It always comes back to love.  But that’s what you’ll really need in life, and that’s the main thing I have to offer.  I will tuck you into bed.  I will listen to you when you’re hurting.  I will give you my share of the desert.  I will come to your defense at any cost.  And always, I will be there for you.  Be there to protect, but also to enlighten.  To comfort, but also to challenge.  And when you feel like every path in front of you leads to nowhere you want to be, you can always return to find me waiting with open arms, open ears, and advice which is your to take and sift and use as you will.  I promise you: even if everyone else has, I will not turn my back on you.

And what I ask in return is this: that you will let me be a part of the best of your life.  I ask that you let me witness your triumphs and your accomplishments and your fulfillments.   Let me celebrate when you celebrate, and let me feel achievement in your achievements.  And maybe, if you find it in you to do so, give me a little credit.  Give me the satisfaction of knowing that the child I created - and invested in, and loved - overcame the natural and societal obstacles of life and was able to accomplish something meaningful in this world, be it a matter of international significance or personal pride.  Give me the joy of knowing you have found happiness. 

You have no idea what’s ahead of you, and neither do I.  But whatever it may be, I will be here.  I will teach you.  I will worry about you.  I will discipline you.  I will challenge you.  And above all – if everything else I have said you forget, then remember this - I will love you. 


Your mother.

Thinking outrageously I write in cursive
I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor
Wearing three layers of coats and leg warmers
I see my own breath on the face of the door .

Oh I am not quite sleeping
Oh I am fast in bed
There on the wall in the bedroom creeping
I see a wasp with her wings outstretched.



North of Savannah we swim in the palisades
I come out wearing my brother's red hat
There on his shoulder my best friend is bit seven times
He runs washing his face in his hands

Oh how I meant to tease him
Oh how I meant no harm
Touching his back with my hand I kiss him
I see the wasp on the length of my arm

We were in love. We were in love.
Palisades! Palisades! Palisades
I can wait. I can wait.



I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart - he was my best friend .
Into the car, from the back seat
Oh admiration and falling asleep
All of my powers, day after day
I can tell you, we swaggered and swayed.
Deep in the tower, the prairies below
I can tell you, the telling gets old.
Terrible sting and terrible storm
I can tell you the day we were born.
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day.
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day.
Terrible sting, terrible storm
I can tell you...

I'm going to Ohio State.

So for the most part I've finally settled everything with prom...as of today I have:

[x] Group (Lindsay Jesse Carrington etc. etc.)
[x] Transportation (Rental car, yes ma'am)
[x] Dress (Red, swishy, fun, exciting)
[x] Date (Tyler Northcutt)
[x] Hair (By my awesome friend Tara)

And as soon as some friend issues settle down, I will be sittin' pretty and very excited about the rest of this semester.  And pretty soon we start Act II of Children of Eden - I'm looking forward to that! - and then for Spring Break I get to go to Chicago with Lindsay, Jesse, and Tyler which is going to be so much fun and we're going to see Wicked and eat in Little Warsaw and everything.  And then I will turn eighteen a mere four days before I graduate!  As a valedictorian lol.  And then comes the summer...which will rock...and in the next couple weeks I will know whether I'll be a Gamecock or a Buckeye in the fall, and if I'll have to pay very much to be either.

So basically, God has been very good to me.  And I love Him.

Life is good.

I hate complaining, but

right now life is frustrating, unfair, and viciously ironic.

"Children of Eden, where have we left you?
Born in uncertainty, destined for pain?
Sins of your parents haunt you and test you,
this your inheritance: fire and rain.
Oh my precious children, try not to blame us,
we were just human, to error prone.
Children of Eden, you will reclaim us.
You and your children to come -
someday you'll come home."



Our musical this year, Children of Eden - the story of Genisis from the Creation through the Flood - is casted and ready to go.  For some reason this show feels like it will be a very significant experience for me personally and for our whole choir.  It's going to be a challenge; we have a lot to overcome.  But I think we are going to learn more than we ever dreamed we would - about ourselves.  And personally, this show coincides with what is definitely going to be a period of major change and growth in my life.  The dominant themes of Children of Eden are family, forgiveness, innocence and guilt, and changing as you mature and become who you truly are. Hopefully, the outcome of my life will in a way mirror the outcome of  the story.



"There is no journey gone so far
so far we cannot stop and change direction
no doom is written in the stars
it's in our hands.
We cannot know what will occur
just make the journey worth the taking
and pray we're wiser than we were
in the beginning..."

It's really a funny quirk of human nature that we allow little, insignificant events to control our emotions and completely make or break our day.


Make it, in my case.

: ]

When we arrive,
sons and daughters,
we'll make our homes on the water.
We'll build our walls
aluminum,
we'll fill our mouths with
cinnnamon.

These currents pull us
'cross the border.
Steady your boats arm to shoulder,
till tides are pulled, hold our grounds,
making this cold harbor home now.

Take up your arm,
sons and daughters,
we will arise from the bunkers.
By land, by sea, by dirigible,
we'll leave our tracks untraceable.

When we arrive,
sons and daughters,
we'll make our homes on the water.
We'll build our walls
aluminum,
we'll fill our mouths with
cinnamon.

Passing out twice and winning Most Intellectual, all in one day?

Pretty random.

The key to enjoying Halloween is to pretend you're still six years old - dress up, go trick-or-treating, get a buttload of candy, and eat all the chocolate within 24 hours. 

It's still fun, even at seventeen.

Always fun : )
 

"We will eat grass for 1000 years, but we will build a powerful nuclear arsenal..."
 

Completely posed.  Two seconds before this we were doing a crossword puzzle.

 

Bat boy.

 

Pakistan - it's a family affair.

 

Jesse as a clown for the delegate dance.

 

USA and North Korea, bff.

 

Even the chairs need caucuses.

 

"Hottest Male," "Best Dressed," "Most Likely to Invade India with Kangaroo Suicide Bombers."

 

Again, completely posed.

 

My brother had to tie Tyler's tie.  Pitiful.

 

Trashcan fun.



Cheese.

 

Everybody attacking D-Bo.

Nothing quite like it.

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didnt mention us
The bible didnt mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first , I loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But there just soft light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
He told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
He told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me till the morning light the morning light
and he kissed me till the morning light

you are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

This year started out stormy but skys are a'clearing.  I'm finally to a point where I feel secure about the way things are going right now and where my life is heading.  I've always struggled with doubt and worry about my friends and my future, but I feel like I've finally found my niche.  I've found something I'm passionate about pursuing in college and beyond - my latest career goal is to get a BA and PhD in linguistics and teach at a university.  And I've settled in with more friends (and better friends) than I think I've had since the third grade.  I still have insecurities, but I feel like my problems right now are more about me and less about what's going on around me.  I'm in an all-around good situation, and I'm looking for the positives in everything so that when I hit the bad times, I can do so with unblemished memories of the good times and the hope that all suffering passes. 

I don't update on here nearly as often as I used to.  That's because I'm writing college essays and I've reached the point where I analyze my words to such an extent that I want no one to see them until they are immaculate.

I like the word immaculate.

I think...my life is like an apple.

A yellow one.

College visit report card time!

This week I've visited UGA, OSU, and UTK.  All three of them are on my finalized list of schools I'm applying to (along with Northwestern, UK, USC, and Indiana), and I was interested to see how Ohio and Georgia stacked up against UT.

Here are the results:

University of Georgia, Bulldogs: B-
UGA is hard to describe.  It's simultaneously better and worse than I thought it would be.  The campus and atmosphere are pretty nice, but the school is obviously controlled by football.  Their speakers were surprisingly rude and condescending, as well.  On the other hand, their honors program is very nice – if I can even get into it, which is no guarantee.   I found out almost nothing about their linguistics department, except that only 12 people graduated with a degree in linguistics last year…which is more than some schools, but still a pretty low number.

The Ohio State University, Buckeyes: A
I must say, I was extremely impressed with OSU.  I was apprehensive going in, but immediately I liked Columbus, liked the campus (it's already in the throes of autumn), and liked the general atmosphere.  Opposed to Georgia, which gives no personalized attention to anyone, Ohio gave me an individual tour of the honors dorms, an individual meeting with an admissions rep, an individual course scheduling meeting, and – very amazingly – lunch with the head of the linguistics department, who also gave me an extensive tour of her department, which is one of the top in the country.  It was scary to have to be really alert and asking intelligent questions all day, but I could tell that Ohio really cares about its applicants.  This is even more impressive considering it passed Texas and Michigan as the biggest university in the nation, with some hundred billion students.  That's what it seemed like; a more accurate number is probably 39,000.

University of Tennseesse Knoxville, Volunteers: B-
What is there to say about UT?  It's UT.  There's nothing wrong with it as a school, and it has a decent honors program, a good English department, and an okay interdisciplinary degree in linguistics.  But nothing about it stands out to me, and it doesn't feel like it could be home.  But if I have to stay instate, for some reason, it will be a good option.


Next weekend I visit Kentucky, and one day this month I'm missing school to visit South Carolina.  I haven't scheduled a visit to Indiana yet.  I don't really know much about the school except it has a really top linguistics program.


Aaaand other than all that I have been hanging out with some pretty cool people this week (Jesse, Carlton, Lindsay) and doing random things.  We've been getting really creative in our attempts to try new ways of having fun.  Hopefully we don't get in trouble for our most recent project….ahhh hmm.  But tonight is Sophie/Rachel/Heather's 53^rd birthday party and I'm looking forward to some hardcore fun, ha.  And tomorrow I get to do all the homework I've put off for seven days in the span of about three hours. 


I love you.

Christina

Sometimes I have nothing to write about, but my fingers itch and there it is.  Just strings of words about a day mostly wasted.  I started to write a deeper musing - on the nature of loneliness.  It would have been a pretty good piece, but I don't think my heart was in it.  I just need to write out (like most bloggings) my day's activities, which happen to be pretty mundane.  I'm so sleepy, but over-sleeped, so the words are fuzzy and I'm not revising anything.  Sorry if it's rough or uninteresting:

During my approximate 6 hours of consciousness today, I cleaned my room.  By which, of course, I mean that I took everything from my shelves and drawers and threw it on my floor, and then attempted to put it all back again in some sensible order, trashing whatever artifacts that have become unimportant or obsolete.  Of course, when I make this daring attempt at cleanliness, I know from the outset that the chance of success is very small.  I have only really thoroughly cleaned my room about twice in my life.  Usually I clean in a furious frenzy for about an hour, and then become distracted by something I find which occupies me for so long that by the time I realize that I’ve stopped cleaning I have lost all my fervor.  And then, of course, I’m left with the entire contents of my room strewn across my floor, with maybe one half of one drawer actually put back.  But the mess doesn’t bother me.  At least I know where everything is; I just have to look down and kick around a few stray shoes and notebooks to find things.

Of course, the part of my day spent unconscious was wonderful.  I took three beautiful naps.  Naps are better than cake.  And they don’t make you nearly so fat, except, I suppose, in that you could have been exercising instead.  But since I am a non-exerciser anyway, I don’t really look at it that way.  And naps are luxurious as well, because you know that people outside of your bedroom are working while you doze.  But like any luxury, if you start to take them for granted you are doomed.  Like today, for instance.  I had already completed two of my three power-naps, and I felt quite proud of my sleeping abilities.  I had been awake for probably two hours, and being unable to stand the awkeness any longer I collapsed into my well-slept bed and initiated the third sleep.  My sister, the considerate, kind girl that she is, picked that moment to practice her out-of-tune guitar very loudly in the adjacent room.  Having taken two naps uninterrupted, I had become used to the luxury and I proceeded to tell her to stop.  She did; I went back to bed; and I would have been lost in mid-day dreams except that the same lovely, thoughtful sister of mine began to vacuum the hall outside my room.  I snapped, and I admit that the words we exchanged were less than sisterly.  I cannot be held accountable for what I say when I am under the influence of too much sleep.  But altogether I learned a powerful lesson.  Can I recall it?  Not at all.



"If I had to choose between knowing everything about the world, or knowing nothing, I would choose ignorance."

I can't decide if I agree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mBGODdzzVw

Weird Al is just amazing.  Call me white and nerdy, but I love it.