yes Mondays and Wednesdays i have a break from 11:15-12:45 so i will be in the KUC getting lunch for anyone that wants to join... theres the open invitation...

life is full of complications,

it hits you with painful realizations,

you cant seem to escape the feelings,

you continue to look for the "hidden" meanings.

you want something for all you've got,

but then you find its something its not,

but then why do you still want it?

you still want to try it just for a bit.

no matter what your brain is telling you

your heart wont listen even though its true

hearts seem to have minds of their own

not believing what theyve been shown

it wants for some reason to be broken,

never to think love is only a token

something maybe some people arent meant to find

they walk throughout life forever blind.

never to know the caress of another,

to really connect with someone other

than yourself, and theyre dieing inside,

but noone sees how theyve cried.

people dont see behind that perfect mask

too wrapped up in their own lives to ask

you realize then your all alone,

ive stripped all my senses down to their bone.

life is whatever... jus dont know what to think anymore... so i say screw it all! people who dont know what they want, people who cant take a hint, people who cant mind their own business, people who force things on you, everything.

yeah whatever...

in response to garrett! voila! mesa class schedule for next semester:

French 1020: MWF 9:10-10:05

English 4360: MWF 10:20-11:15

English 3010: MW 12:40-2:05

English 4005: MW 2:20-3:45

University 3001: TBA

been in a state of complete and utter confusion?
you dont know what to do next, or even what has already happened
your in a state of limbo, with no light at all
only the sound of your own voice and thoughts to keep you company...

i wish i knew what to do now

I work all night
For one more day that I can say I'm all alone
Alone
I just need time and I will say what I believe and I'll come home
Home

And all I know

I never thought I would wake up in bed
watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never have said
this is the world coming down on your head

As life flies by
I'm not sure how I'm gonna do this all again
Again
So line by line I write this down and I'm just trying to find the end
The end

And all I know

I never thought I would wake up in bed
watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never have said,
this is the world coming down on your head
You gave it to me I remember it read,
you've got the world coming down on your head
There's nothing to fight for it's already dead
and this is the world coming down on my head

When will it all end
One of you moves the others follow you

I never thought I would wake up in bed
watching the world coming down on my head
I'd sleep like a dog if you would never have said,
this is the world coming down on your head
I'm not gonna swallow the lie that I'm fed
cause I want the world coming down on my head
You're gonna find out you're already dead
and I was the world coming down on your head

well i have a minor, after much deliberation.. insert drum roll here...... WRITING! im goin to take writing classes one of which bein an intership class with a company in the boro and really put to use my writing skills which only few of you knew that i possessed! mwahaha im so happy about it! for the first time in a really long time i feel like im doin what im supposed to be doin and it feels awesome! i love u guys, wont see u on wednesday, work beckons again... le sigh

yeah so my French teacher has lived in this country for a grand total of 2 weeks having just graduated from college himself and this being his first class he has EVER taught, and my Comm (speech) teacher is from Scotland... oh what a tangled web we weave... oh and my Music teacher is brand new as well. so yeah life is crazy right now. my promotion finally happened so now you must address me as Student Supervisor mwahaha! im already drunk with power lol! well hope you all have enjoyed your break and i hope you have a great short week! lata!

is it just me or i am the only one ready for school to start back? oh well, i just wanted to tell all the chippies that left the boro goodluck and to all the incoming freshman at MTSU. once you learn the ropes it will all come easily. jus make sure u check the room numbers before u go in, theres is nothin more embarrassing than walkin into the wrong class and not realizing it til it starts. just fyi lol. but i love you all and i wont see you at church i will be workin a 12 hour shift at Aramark. but swing by the freshman picnic 2morrow afternoon im sure to be there with buffets galore lol! anyway ttyl!

am i doing what God wants me to do? please pray guys, the toughest, scariest thing ever happened this week. please pray for what im supposed to do next...

breakups are never easy are they...

well no i didnt die, i just have no internet. but wes does and he so graciously let me use his. hes the best lol. but anyway, anytime anyone wants to hang out this week please call me cuz i dont work but 2morrow 7:30am-3:30pm then i dont work again til wednesday so holla at me people! i miss u all, is it jus me or can i not wait for school to start? life has taken some unexpected twists lately and im kinda confused about what God is wanting me to do in life at the moment so people please pray for me! thanks i love you all!

um come to realize that me and skim boards along with broken shells definately do NOT mix... yeah its infected now. oh well will c ya all 2nite hopefully...

do you ever feel like youre on the outside lookin in at your own life? like it couldnt be you thats experiencin it, but like a clone of yourself? like you have no control but to just sit back and scream through the window at yourself but cant make things stop...

okay guys, party is still on...

but i am freakin out!
im gonna have bills! im gonna have to buy groceries and clean and cook and be domesticated! and it is startin to scare me that 2nite is the last night i live in the house as a resident, at least for the time being u know... guys please pray i dont have a nervous breakdown.

p.s. both my parents have already had extremely teary moments, and it kills me that im doin it to them... then i must remember that they wont wake me up at 7 on saturday and i can remain composed for a bit.

other than that things are pretty good, class ends next Wednesday so thats good. then work work work til school starts again, gotta make rent now, and electric, and water, and cell phone bill, and gas! dang its tough to be on ur own...

Ok so Saturday.

7 pm is party time baby!

My new apartment.

Be there with refreshment and snackies cuz i will be poor from now on...

bring friends

call me for directions or ask a cooler kid than youself...

thank u for ur time and attention

so in exactly 9 days, my address will be 1201 Hazlewood Street Murfreesboro, TN  Oak Park apartment K145!!!

can you say party?

I sat in my mother’s car with my eyes watching my hands. I closed them for a moment and tried to take in as much air as my body could allow in one breath. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I sat there, I began to collect as much courage and composer as I could muster. I heard my mother’s voice beside me, “Are you ready?” Was I ready? HA! Would I ever be ready? “Yes,” I vaguely remember answering her. As we got out of the car, I could feel the breath quickly escaping me again. My legs buckled under me and went numb. I looked at the ground and listened to the sound of my heels as we approached the ugly green steps of a house. I briefly glanced up and saw two men sitting on rocking chairs on the front porch. They were unfamiliar to me. They caught my gaze and I quickly looked back down at my feet again. I slowly walked up the steps and walked through a clear glass door. I man welcomed me, but I paid no attention to him. I walked into the main room and heard my mother’s voice again. “Aren’t you going to sign the guest book?” I didn’t think of myself as a guest. It was my family. I was apart of it. Why did I have to sign a guest book when I clearly wasn’t a guest? “Sure,” I replied as I foggily scribbled my name in the book. As I turned around, I was greeted by two of my cousins. You could easily tell by glancing at them that they were tired and had been crying. The bags under their eyes were swollen, and their speech was course. I don’t even remember what I said to them. I was more interested in finding my father. I turned around and saw him talking with a strange woman. I heard him say my name and introduce me to her, but I neither remember her name nor really care. I went up to him and squeezed him as tight as I could. A tear escaped from my eye before I had the opportunity to wipe it away. He spoke to me, “I was getting worried about you. What time did you leave?” I remember saying something to the effect of, “We left about one. I had school. We had to eat. We came straight here.” He went on to say that since that was the case we made good time. He thanked my mother for bringing me. He proceeded to tell me that my grandmother was worried about me and that I should show her that I was here safely. He pointed to the front of the room. I didn’t want to look at the front of the room. I knew what my eyes would find there, but I did as my father instructed me to. I looked and found a group of people standing in a line. As I followed the line to its beginning, I saw my grandmother and my two aunts hugging and speaking with several people whom I didn’t know. I was told to skip the line and go straight to her. I wanted to stand in that line. I wanted time to stand still, to keep myself from the pain. I wanted with all the soul to run from that house with my face buried in my hands. Somehow, mechanically, I walked to the head of the line. My grandmother’s back was to me, but I touched her shoulder. She turned around in surprise. As soon as she recognized me, she embraced me with the warmest embrace I have ever experienced. “ASHLEY! I was beginning to get worried about you!” As soon as those words exited her mouth, she began to cry. When I felt her body shudder with the sobs, I lost myself completely. My composure and courage melted away as if it had never existed. “No, no Ashley. Don’t cry. Just look at him. He looks as if he was sitting at the kitchen table.” How could she say this to me? He would never sit at that table again. He would never do another crossword puzzle. He would never say ‘hey there buddy!’ to me ever again. I began to reminisce about all the times we had together. My brain suddenly snapped back to where I was again. I didn’t want to look at him that way. I wanted always to have those memories. The ones where he moved and made jokes. Not this memory. No matter how hard I closed my eyes, I couldn’t make the scene in front of me go away. I couldn’t block out the sounds of the sniffling and the crying in the background. I took a staggered breath and looked upon him. She was right! I didn’t want to accept it, but she was absolutely correct in her accusation. He looked as I remembered him to look. He had on his Notre Dame base ball hat, his glasses, his favorite flannel shirt, and good pair of blue jeans. It was just how he would have wanted to look. I couldn’t help but smile through my tear stained face. The rest of the night was a blur. I had arrived only for the last hour and a half of visitation. I talked with family, recalling none of their names of course. Then, the extended family slowly began leaving until only my aunts, uncles, and cousins were left. The director was telling us how the next day was to proceed. He talked slowly so we could understand what he was telling us. After we decided that my grandmother was to ride with my father in the procession along with me, we all decided to leave and try to get some rest. They had been standing for the last five hours greeting all the family and friends. We walked outside and my mother and father decided to eat somewhere. We ended up at Burger King. They told stories involving my papaw, and they distracted me. After we had finished, my mom and I went back to our hotel, and I tried the hardest I had ever had to get some sleep. The next day would be toughest day I had ever had to face.

to be continued at a later date...

i have become a workaholic and im starting to wonder if anyone misses me...

insomnia is a drag in a half...

well after 18 painstaking years, yours truly is now officially legal! no more crap about being a 17 year old in college any longer! praise God!

and now its time to celebrate!

well it seems that my GPA is exactly as it was b4 i started this spring semester. oh the irony. even with the D i got in A & P II. but oh well now i dont need it anymore so no harm no foul. i am crazy excited about work and stuff. AND my new apartment which i hope to be moved into by July 1st if all goes according to plan. heres hoping... but nonetheless my ankle is healing thank goodness. i have been limping around for about a week and got some very odd looks at the airport from people staring at my leg. since i was wearing jeans u couldnt see the brace on it, so people couldnt tell why i was a little off. but oh well, dont care lol. no big deal to me. but anyway 2morrow zachary comes home!!! yay!!! this has been an excellent vacation, and much needed after finals and working 80 hours in 2 weeks including said finals kinda burns a person out all at once. but im great now and ready to start the summer though i guess technically it has already started. but oh well summer class doesnt start til like the 8th of june so i have a tiny break. but anyway i hope to see u all soon. i love you!!!

oh and heres how the verdict came:
A & P II:               D
Chem 1030:           B
Theat 1030:           A
Hist 2020:              B
Eng 1020:              A