May 03 2006

No guys you don't understand... I DID it... PAST tense... I ALREADY did it... on SUNDAY... LAST Sunday... LOL

"I DID IT!!! All 26.219 miles! Which makes me wonder... if the Marathon is under my belt... what ELSE can I do?..."


April 30 2006
I DID IT!!! All 26.219 miles! Which makes me wonder... if the Marathon is under my belt... what ELSE can I do?


April 27 2006
Okay I SWEAR it's almost done... I haven't worked on it in months... obviously... but it's lookin' pretty good so far!


December 03 2005
OK!!! Super post is gonna be ready by January 1st!!


September 25 2005
Super duper long entry that nobody will read is in the process of being written.

YEAH! Birthday last Saturday!

August 23 2005
Being 19 is a lot like being 18, only +1.

my old scout master

July 28 2005
Michael Shibe... wow... I'm sure you guys have heard by now about the scoutmasters from Alaska that were electrocuted at the national jamberee. Well Michael Shibe was my old cub scout master. It was so strange reading his name. At first I arrogantly thought that maybe, just maybe it was somebody else because I forgot his first name. Then later on I read that he had two sons at the jamberee and my scout master had twin sons. Well, I knew then that it was him, my parents confirmed the name a little while ago.

His second to oldest son, Neil, was one of my best friends. Since I moved we never really talked but I'm planning on grabbing my old friend Kyle and heading over to his house. I'm sure he's not in the mood for talking. I'll definetly be at the funeral. Problem is I didn't bring any black up to Ak. I knew I was going to a wedding but not a funeral...

scouts... wow... every time we met Michael would bring this candle and we would burn it for the whole meeting and when we got to the bottom we'd get to go to like laser tag or a pool for a meeting. Wow... every winter we'd go to Camp Goresuch! Wow that was fun! We'd drive around on sled dogs and have little races of human sled dogs ahaha... ride down snow mountains and make big jumps... and everyone was supposed to bring a couple of cans and we'd empty it all into one of those big metal barrels (hopefully sanitary ah) and we'd make this super stew stuff... and it was always AMAZING... Michael was a great guy... probably one of the best people I knew grewing up and one of the few people that I looked up to as a father. He was fun guy, fuzzy beard ahaha.. at least back then... he even had his Eagle Scout badges on the wall... we'd spend the night over at Neil (his son again)s house all the freakin time... have huge water balloon fights in teh backyard. Wow... I really miss those days and Neil.. Nobody yet has said anythinga bout how many kids Michael had... he had 4 sons, the twins were the youngest. Neil was the second oldest... damn we used to make the pinewood derby cars just for fun ahha.. put little lego guys in these little driver seats we'd make.

I'm gonna go see 'em but wow... he's dead... that man REALLY helped me become the person I am today... fitness... outdoors survival, he sparked so much in me and I owe him so much and I never truly realized that until I saw his name.

How he died... first he was electrocuted but then the tent was on fire too... electrocuted and then burned... all that and he didn't die until the hospital.

Then I recently heard taht my favorite teacher ever, Mr. Sterling has an incurable liver disease (he wasn'ta dirnker,a ctually he'd bike to school everyday) and while I'm sureh e'll get a liver transplant but I knew he really made a difference in wanting to become a writer.. hell under ihs supervision I wrote my very first letter tot he editor about gun control!


First Real Post, buncha crap

July 03 2005
BEFORE YOU READ, ONE THING TO REMEMBER IS THIS: "Pray like it's all up to God, Work like it's all up to you." (keep in mind!)

Basics of this Post: New Blog sites, Book review/Thoughts on circumstances, TIME MACHIIINE!! wooohhh, Most likely to succeed and the road ahead.

Highlights!: I admit I'm full of myself! I apologize for the previous post! (kinda) Love life down the tuuuuubbbes!

Exert: "We are our circumstances, we are our reality! We affect the world around us and it affects us back, it's our bubble, our world". (below!)

Lets see... I now have 3 blogs... all the exact same lol. phusebox, myspace, and xanga (alexrads for the 2, one of those doesn't have that just e-mail or something idk I'll learn it soon enough)

I've read and reread my last post (on my xanga) and I was pretty harsh. I know I was and while I still stand by what I said I definetly know I could have said it in a different way.

Speaking of different ways, that's exactly what I need to start finding. I finally finished this e-book called "As A Man Thinketh". Mainly because it was the author of quite possibly my favorite quote:

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to change themselves; they therefore remain bound."

Phew! Good stuff... so I knew I had to read the rest of it and while most of it made sense and made some good connections a paragraph or two would make me stop and really question the intelligence behind it. I'm not sure exactly when it was written despite being an e-book. Like he talks about how everything started out as a vision before it can become reality. Obvious I know but one of his examples is "Columbus had a vision of a new world and then he found it!" Hmm... he didn't have a vision of a new world at all... he was out looking for a passage to India/China because the whole thing was that spices from Asia, mainly China, costed so damn much. Yeah, I'm getting too far into it... well, he didn't have good examples. I kinda agree with the Capernicus (spelling?) example that he used but it was wrong too.

Onward, here's the paragraph that got me going:

"The laws of growth and adjustment everwyhere obtain. A man does not come to the alms-house or the jail by the tyranny of fate or circumstances, but by the pathway of groveling thoughts and base desires. Nor does a pure-minded man fall suddenly into crime by stress of any mere external force. The criminal thought had long been secretly fostered in the heart, and the hour of opportunity revealed its gathered power. Circumstances do not make the man; it reveals him to himself. No such conditions can exist as descending into vice and it's attendant suffereings apart from vicious inclinations, or ascending into virtue and its pure happiness without the continued cultivation of virtuous aspirations; and man, therefore, as the lord and master of thought, is the maker of himself and the shaper of and author of environment. Even at birth the soul comes of its own and through every step of its earthly pilgrimage it attracts those combinations of conditions which reveal itself, which are the reflections of its onw purity and impurity, its strength and weaknesses."

Okay... so I knew where he was going with this and what he was trying to accomplish. He was simply trying to say what I said in my previous post, basically he said in this paragraph and in the following paragraphs that we complain about our circumstances but don't do anything to change it. What I'm opposing to is the whole 'circumstances do not make the man. it reveals him to himself.'

This is when I realized there are different levels of circumstances. Basically saying the world circumstances is like saying "a pile of assorted objects". It could be anything! A circumstance could be being at a certain place at a certain time, it could be the weather, it could be anything.

I WANTED to say it seems to me that each of us project circumstances, or our reality (see previous posts on my reality stuff rofl) and we change who we are when these circumstance bubbles bounce off each other. Conflicting points of view usually results in actions and actions always chance circumstances to a greater level than most other circumstances.

So looking back at the paragraph what I object to is saying that circumstances don't do anything. That's rediculous! It's like one of those symbols where a snake is eating it's own tail. It's the same thing and totally connected. We might not make the weather but I'm talkign about more human circumstances. New boss, new job, whatever... each one of us is a circumstance that changes when a powerful enough circumstance comes along and hits us, we're basically just a bunch of bumper cars. Maybe you're the little kid with the lead foot who had too much cotton candy and stayed up watching "Road Warrior" or maybe you're the mom who doesn't know what the heck is going on.

We are our circumstances, we are our reality! We affect the world around us and it affects us back, it's our bubble, our world. The more powerful you come the bigger your bubble, president Bush's bubble is pretty damn big. Just as gravity warps the space and time, we warp people and the environment we are in. We create circumstances that create us, we create circumstances that change people and they change us. Half of you probably wish you never knew me. My being here is the result of circumstances, my own and your circumstances as well. We moved to Nashville for the country music (no joke) which was a circumstance that you partially contributed to. (well... your relativies and ancestors mainly) not all people are connected to a given circumstance though.

Moving on: the author makes it sound as though we are set on a certain path for our entire lives. Don't get me wrong, I know what he's saying but there are plenty of life changing occurences that dramatically change a person. I agree with him to, I just don't think he should set it in stone and say it as if it's proven without a reasonable doubt.

Off topic: TIME MACHINE!: I got to thinking about circumstances and realized that if you had a powerful enough computer you COULD see the future. Well gosh, how could we possibly do that? Alex, you're sounding more retarded than ever! Bare with me! It's impossible to do but theoretically its possible. What you do is you simply the whole universe into a program. See... impossible. We put all of our scientific knowledge of the universe and simply it into math formulas. We know what would happen if you dropped a rock into water. Basically it's a really complicated way of saying "if we drop a rock, it will fall." This is getting away from me, at least in my mind. It's hard to explain... like I know exactly what I'm trying to say in my head but it's just a throng of ideas all jumbled up. I'll come back to this sometime. Basically you get all the data on earth you can, weather patterns and all that... throw it into a computer and if you have enough data you could... basically press fast forward and see what happens. Then again you'd have to know the strengths and weaknesses of every human mind on the planet including those not born yet and I guess that's random for a bit of it, genetics is half of it the rest is chance. So yeah... theoritcaly... lol... it's like I can feel you starring at your computer screens slightly confused about what the hell am I talking about and slightly angry for wasting your time.

Most Likely To Succeed and The Road Ahead:

This was the reason for this post, I just got side tracked with the above. It does have a lot to do with the previous post and how some of my peers treated me and how I treated them. Like I said in the previous post there's a difference between showing the opposite of what we mean and never even given a chance. I was wrong, I had my chance and I showed the opposite of what I meant. My grievance was that I was only given one or two chances total or worse gossip got to peoples ears before I did. My reputation, for better of for worse, preceeded me.

So, I'm formally apologizing for being harsh but I do not apologize for the principle behind those words. Like I said before, Einstein once said "Be nice to every person you meet, for they are fighting a tougher battle than you." (or something along those lines)

I've been measuring my award and I know it's just an award. Just a couple of words on a paper and it shouldn't really make me think about it this much but it's an honor I'm proud to say I'm going to take seriously. When I talk to people about what I want to say now they tell me I have nothing to prove to anyone, that I prove it to myself and that that's good enough. I assure you, I know what I'm capable of.

One of my favorite stories is The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas, a french writer in the 1800s. It has to do with a young man named Edmond Dantes with everything going for him before jealous friends frame him and send him to die in a jail, there he gives up all hope. There however he meets a priest/soldier whom knows the location of a great treasure once belong to the dead Count Sparta. He escapes and gets the treasure and under the name of the Count of Monte Cristo he wreaks revenge. I sometimes compare my life with that of Dantes (it was based on a true story too... just the names and... circumstances... were changed). I guess I just feel like Edmond Dantes at this point, though I have no great fortune to find, an heir sure, but no great treasure, I have to make it on my own. Am I going to extract revenge? Hardly, simply reaching the goal I am betted against is reward enough. I do it for myself of course but that's for me to know, I"m only telling what concerns you (if at all).

Unlike the other superlatives I have to DO something. Most athletic had to HAVE DONE something, best looking had to presently BE something. Mine is the only one that requires work, it ONLY says "you talk a lot" LOL!! I was going to say something about ambition but there's plenty of ambition out there I just talked about mine, though mine was much higher than most. My dad likes to talk to me about how I could have gone to Yale or Harvard. We got into one of our many arguments where I blindly said that I didn't want to go there (which was a lie) and he quiped back "it's not whether you wanted to go there or not it's whether you could have gone there or not." He was right. My resolve didn't match my actions in high school. I talked a lot and didn't do much about it. I failed physics because I just didn't care. I mean it, I didn't care. I read it and I understood it but I'd be damned if I did the work to prove it lol. "I know how to use a calculator dammit, I know the principles behind it. Leave me alone and give man an A" lol. As far as superlatives I got one of the biggest ones, and I got my diploma in pure black. No cords, no crazy ass little ribbons obscurely shooting out or something. I walked proudly across that stage as a naked high school graduate. What made me not feel so bad about it is this, and this is gonna be harsh but it's the truth. Half of the people with those cords didn't have to work very hard to get them. I'm not going to name names but some people were laughable that they could take a couple of honors classes that require as much brain power as walking yet they get in all of these clubs and get all of this crap to wear. Yeah, I'm jealous. I wish I was dected out in all of those cords but I wasn't. I wish I was sitting on on the little platform looking over everyone like some Arbiter or Archon but I'm wasn't, I sat among them, plainly and silently.

"We shall see who takes the honor from this battlefield."

The funny thing about pride is that I seem to be more proud of what I COULD become than what I HAVE become. Don't get me wrong I haven't become some horrible person but I'm not where I want to be. I can see where I could go I just don't like what I see in the mirror. So yes, to a point I am full of myself. I accept the ambition that I have in my heart and it gives me pride to know that I want that much out of life but what I'm realizing is that I need to let go of the pride and keep the ambition. I want it all, I want to look like a damn cover model, I want to eat like a pig, I want to drive amazing cars/boats, I want a huge house, I want cabins on the ocean in Alaska and Florida (half way there! Already got 1! wheee!) I want to see my visions come alive before me, I want to read soo many books, I want I want I want! I stopped myself from saying more for fear that you really would look at the screen and say "uh.. woh calm down." (if you're not already) The road a head of me is gonna be hard, because I will make it hard. No muscle gains strength without weight to lift.

Remember... there are different levels to smarts too... book smarts... so you're a calculator, good luck with that. All you can do is calculate. Street smarts: so you know you're ups from your downs, good job but that doesn't mean shit on paper. If you have one you're not quite going to reach as far as you could go. If you have both you're still not there. People with both or either usually think themselves so special that they're above other people. They don't care about other people (somewhat) other than those in their circle. I'm not going to name names but I always think about this one guy, apparently his friend too, probably both of them, (all three of them I guess) and how they just... ignore other people. They listen but they dont' care. They listen to it like it's jibberish and meaningless to them and it's just sad. They lack chivalry, basic people skills, and the ability to hold themselves in check. If life is a race then they've got the acceleration is great but their handling is terrible and their downfall. Can't quite make those turns without getting scratched.

Besides... I love it when people underestimate me, it just makes the looks on their faces that much better.

Love Life: ??? I give up! lol First I think something might be happening theeennn a circumstance arises lol.(Yeah I'll shut up about circumstances) Basically I guess I'm gonna be single for another summer lol.