September 29 2006
Life is beautiful. I wonder what's truth: abstract or physical.
I want to be moved again. I want that conviction that drove me and got me through high school. It's like I'm going through the motions of college just to get by. I'm missing out on so much. I'm sitting here in a beautiful apartment, with a beautiful 3rd floor balcony and a beautiful view of nature. Chattanooga is beautiful. The river greenway brings so much peace. I was driving home today, and the clouds. They were so beautiful. Just another sunny day in Californ-i-a?
I need you, whoever you are. You--you'll reach deep down in my heart and see the real me. And you'll stick there no matter what I do, even when I try to keep myself from you. Won't you be the one to heal my heart? I've been missing you.
August 19 2006
You can come into college with your ideals, but what happens when they are put to the test? The very foundations of personality are shaken. I envy that atmosphere with Christianity labeled all around. A good friend told me how their orientation was so uplifitng and spiritual--well i'm stuck with the secular and vulgar. But then again, I was eager to leave the clausterphobic of that same atmosphere. BUT SCRATCH ALL WHAT I JUST SAID.
The truth is we are placed in environments exactly where we need to be. Oh you can say that such and such was too much of a bad environment, but doesn't the very Word itself tell us that nothing is too strong for us?
August 10 2006
6 days until college... it's so hard to believe this summer's gone by so quick. And the funny thing is I'm not even elated, excited, or whatever word you choose to use about starting a new. What's with this? It's like life's turned into one big emotion without excitements (except for Joanne). Maybe it's better this way. Hmmm. One thing I know I have to do this year, I have to keep in touch with Faith. Give faith that fighting chance. I can't tell where I'll be in 6 months or 2 semesters from now, but I hope and hope and hope that I will still be seeking for the Creator. Life is so meaningless without that.
August 01 2006
I have come to the conclusion that what holds me back is my desire to uphold what others think of me. What people need to know is the real you, with all the mistakes and failures and problems. That includes not trying to hold to somebody that you once were. Maybe you can impress lots of people with fancy speeches, maybe you can be an example to the people around you, maybe even earn the respect of the elders around you. That still doesn't change the person who you really are inside. If you seek help, be honest with yourself first. Don't be afraid to tell the world.
I've been going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I can't stand having to become a person that people make of me. But in a way, it keeps me in check. Here's the truth: I get in fights, I get in arguments with my parents, I get jealous at others and friends around me, and I think thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking. That's the truth. But I am trying to find that spirituality again. Putting up images of myself that aren't true has got to stop.
July 23 2006
So I was thinking.... What does it really mean when we are used in our weakness? I always thought that this meant when we were materially poor, or insignificant in society, or physically weak, etc. But recently... yes recently and for quite a while now I've been put aback at what I think I'm thinking... Can this idea mean that God shows his strenghths even in our spiritual weaknesses? For a while I told myself no... because how can pure and evil ever mix to make good?
Take the Apostle Paul (Saul of Tarsus). He wrote a big chunk of the New Testament as it is today and yet he talked about how he still wasn't quite where he was suppose to be spiritually, and that thorn in his side issue... what was it? Could it be a sin he struggle with? Something to keep him from becoming too holy... too lofty in thought and judgement... We can't be for sure, but I think I understand this issue more than ever.
Reading about the news in Israel and Lebanon, the tsunamis, hurricanes, droughts, heat.. the end of the world? Why should it matter? This always seems like a wake up call for me, but then again, it shouldn't be about fear of judgement., but of true love for God with all your being. I feel that burning sensations when I say that--that feeling of aliveness that comes when you know what's inside you.
Why do people think you're so good when you know deep down inside your sins are the worst of them all? A sin is a sin, but just the way some people view certain things... This has kept my mouth shut and my eyes down. Strangely though, it seems like i've made the biggest impact I've ever made in my surroundings.
June 29 2006
Sometimes I wonder if my life has really been a testament to the Light. The Light of the World? That's us. We can't go around living life being too woried how people see us, or how we can change ourselves to look good enough to fit in. Open our eyes. Open our hearts. How can we reach out to others when we can't even accept ourselves? Think of the blessings we have just living in such a blessed country! How many of us has three meals a day, a roof over our heads, and clothes on our back? It is so hard to be satsified with what we have. Is this really part of sinful man's folly? So let's train our minds, guard ourselves, and become the armor bearing people that we ought to be.
So do we really believe that the Spirit can empower us to speak?
June 28 2006
Answers....... I finally found someone genuinely interested in me for who I am... and that's a great feeling! All any of us needs is acceptance. Love. The feeling that we can be ourselves and be accepted.
June 06 2006
I figured out something tonight.... Sometimes it takes me to go up and talk to a person, instead of waiting on them. You never know what the other person thinks. As far as you know, they are just as mortified to talk to you as you are to them. Yep, that's life.
But on a more serious side, the key to living on this earth is to know that you are exactly where you need to be, even with all the mistakes and the could-be's that passed you by. Remember that from the foundations of time, what you're doing now, and what you will do is already known and worked into the Great Plan. But this doesn't mean to give up and let life find you asleep, live that life that dreams are made of. Your dreams are real, and they are waiting to come true.
And that dream--is happiness with the One and Only. For ever.