if i were a month, i’d be: the lusty month of may.

if i were a day of the week, i’d be: saturday . . . i'm lazy

if i were a time of day, i’d be: three o'clock in the morning when all the nightowls have gone to bed and all the morning people aren't awake yet and it's just me and God.

if i were a planet, i’d be: pluto . . . poor pluto.

if i were an animal, i’d be: duh, un castor.

if i were a direction, i’d be: south.

if i were a piece of furniture, i’d be: a chaise lounge. how hott is that?

if i were a historical figure, i’d be: napoleon.

if i were a liquid, i’d be: coffee!

if i were a tree, i’d be: live oak with spanish moss . . . very old south

and eerie.

if i were a bird, i’d be: a (jack) sparrow.

if i were a tool, i’d be: george w. bush.

if i were a flower/plant, i’d be: a yellow rose.

if i were a kind of weather, i’d be: a soft thunderstorm, where you get the thunder and lightning without being seriously scared for your life.

if i were a mythical creature, i’d be: a monkey.

if i were a musical instrument, i’d be: a tuba.

if i were a color, i’d be: yellow.

if i were an emotion, i’d be: love.

if i were a vegetable, i’d be: fried okra!

if i were a sound, i’d be: laughter.

if i were an element, i’d be: uranium.

if i were a car, i’d be: a silver thunderbird.

if i were a song, i’d be: walking in memphis.

if i were a movie, i’d be: muppet treasure island.

if i were a place, i’d be: rio de janeiro.

if i were a play, i’d be: a midsummer night's dream.

if i were a show, i’d be: transformers.

if i were a material, i’d be: cotton.

if i were a taste, i’d be: big red.

if i were  a scent, i’d be: honeysuckle.

if i were a word, i’d be: spoon.

if i were an object, i’d be: an icon.

if i were a body part, i’d be: hahahahahahaha.

if i were a subject in school, i’d be: history, duh.

if i were a shape, i’d be: something complicated, not a square like amy powers.

if i were a number, i’d be: 2.5.

if i were an article of clothing, i’d be: flip-flops.