Well I was reading through Bruce Gilley's journal...wow. i have just been blown away. i am almost speechless, but not quite.
Why?
that is my question. why do people care so much that they keep all of their feelings inside. all of their views on things, what they think of people, and their goals. i just cannot believe that after all fo my 16 years on this beautiful, God-made earth, i am just now getting to the point of not putting on a front for people. Actually, this happens most around my family. i think that for so long, i have worried about what people think, want, expect, or know of me, so much to the point that i don't know where to begin. i'm sure someone who reads this will think that i am just in a wierd mood or that i am just going through some awkward phase between adolescence and adulthood. but that's fine..remember, it doesn't matter!. that's it! the only one who really knows you, your thoughts, your past, future, and everything in between is God. (and praise him for that!)...

i guess the reason why people are so fake, essentially, is because of fear. fear of what will or won't happen...or fear of what has. i think that faith grows with time and belief that "life" is only a portion of our exsistence. when we get to heaven, we will worship our father, our creator, our whole reason for everything that we freak out about now, forever. FOREVER...that is a word that my mind cannot comprehend.

sometimes, i just become overwhelmed with what people think or want of me, that i blame God. that's right, i, Rachael Vance, blame God for misfortunes or misunderstandings. wow...grace is the thing that takes away that sin. what would i do without that reassurance? it's like i just dramatacize things so that if everyone is looking at the situation, no one can see through me. what if what i have to offer isn't enough? yes, that's partly human nature. i mean, we take lines from songs and movies, the world's expectations, etc. and we think that we can shape it into a mold of what we want life to be for ourselves or other people. WHY do we think that camouflaging our reality is neccessary? WHY do we constantly care about anything and everything that doesn't involve our Lord and Savior. what would happen if i wasn't afraid people could see through me? then what? how would my life be different? i am at the point in my life, (for those of u who don't know, i am graduating a year early) when i have to make big decisions that no one else can make for me. i think that is why i am just now realizing how i have wasted a lot of my life. i don't want to waste it anymore! i am sick of caring so much about big and little, good and bad, and reality and dreams to a certain extent. look, for anyone who has happend to take the time to read this far, i have a few things to say to you. LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WISHING AND HOPING THAT THINGS WORK OUT. life is about knowing that God, a god bigger than your problems (any and all of them), bigger than what u cannot let go of, and so much more than fire insurance, is ready to set u free of the camouflage that i think we all use from time to time. i just pray that u don't make a habbit of using it daily like i tend to do. PLEASE do not waste your life on thinking that once u get to a certain point, having a better relationship with the Lord will be easier...because that time will never come.

i am just going to have to change out of the world's mask and into who i really am. the way God made me. i may over-dramatacize, under-think and overthink things from time to time, but that will always be a part of me. i just pray that God will brake me from the way i have lived so far that wasn't glorifying to him. most of my life hasn't been God-glorifying. i am ashamed and ready to fall in a hole and bury myself alive. but i won't. (it isn't like God wouldn't dig me out anyways). i will not settle for a life of being whatever i have been thus far. i will not settle for that. look, i am not saying that my whole life has been a pointless waste until now. i am just making a point to not waste your life because of fear that people will see what u don't want them to, because u know what? God has always seen all of that, and he always will.