Why do all the good things seem so far away? I know I shouldn't be wishing away the last few months of my senior year, but I can't help feeling like there's this huge expanse of nothing seperating me from the rest of my life.

I turn 18 in the beginning of April.  The state JCL convention, one of the few remaining high school events that is even worth thinking about, is in the end of April.  Prom is a week into May.  Graduation is a week later.

What's March?  March is useless.  March is ACI and more time for me to sit around spazzing out over my future.  I think I would worry about it less if it were just here.

At the same time, I know I'm not quite ready yet.  Emotionally, I'm bored and I'm ready to move on and do something new and exciting.  But I know that practically I am in no place to be itching for the starting pistol to send me off to college.  I don't have any money.  I don't know what I want to do.  I don't even know if I'm going to be able to stay as excited as I am till August.

*sigh*

I've never been much of a rut-breaker.  I just let things go and pile up until they're almost impossible to deal with.

I've fallen into a routine lately that's pretty much the same every day.  I've got a bunch of bad habits I need to drop and bunch of good ones I need to pick up.

So how does somone who lives about 90% of their life in a rut get out of it?  I'm not sure, but I'm hoping I'll find out.

First step:  laundry.

Steps hopefully soon to follow:

Vigorous housecleaning.
Sorting clothes.
Donating old clothes.
Replacing the ruined or donated clothes.
Returning to SportsCom.  (blech)
Slowly cutting soda from my diet.  (sob)
Start cleaning on a basis more regular than two or three times a year.
Do homework, study, etc.
Find a better or second job towards spring/summer.
Drink more tea. 
Be zenner.  Panic attacks = the enemy.

Well, there's the list... Let's see how much of it actually gets done in the next month or so, if it ever gets done at all.

Why is it that we spend so much time second guessing ourselves?

It seems as though the entire world is saying, "This is it!  Now is the time that you will decide how the rest of your life will turn out."

I find myself uncertain of everything about the next few years of my life.  Am I going to the right school?  Where am I going to live?  How am I going to stay out of the financial gutter?  Am I making the right decisions?  More importantly, am I making them for the right reasons?

I'm afraid of making the wrong choice.

Even worse, I'm afraid of not making a choice at all and letting opportunity slip through my fingers.

That first big step into the unknown is always the scariest.  Or, so I hear.  I'm hoping that after the first plunge it will get easier, or that I will at least become braver or more confident.

Chillin' in art class.  Listening to Moby. Doing a powerpoint on Robert Mapplethorpe.

I'm taking a break from shopping today.  I'mma go home and take a nap.  Perhaps visit my mom.

That's the problem with updating too often.  You run out of things to say.

here we are now going to the north side

i look at my friends as they start to ride

ride at night we ride all day

looking out for a sunny day



here we are now going to the south side

i pick up my friends and we hope we won't die

ride at night, ride through heaven and hell

come back and feel so well.

I actually got in a few hits today.

The Perfect Dress = craptastic, just like last year.

JC Penny = actually had dresses.  Dresses that fit me.  Too bad they didn't work out.

Dillard's = random not-ugly dress thrown in with old lady dresses.  Marked down to $83.  Okay prom find, not really Mil Ball material.  Was a little tight.  Although it made me sad, I let it go.

So, a few punches, but no wins thus far.  David's Bridal is either tomorrow or Thursday.

So far, dress #1 from Vivid is at the forefront... We'll see how it goes.

ps - Big ol' thanks to Rachel and Mady for shopping with me on Monday.  And an extra big ol' thanks to Jennifer for shopping with me today!

First:

Dress shopping.  Not.  FUN.
Plenty of dresses I liked.  Precious few that fit.
The only one that even looked halfway decent fit well, but the color was ultra lame.

Not giving up yet.

Second:

Moron in a white car decided to cut a corner going really fast as I was approaching said corner at a right angle to him.   He sped into my lane as I approached the stop sign, I slammed on my breaks, and missed taking off the back of his car by perhaps an inch, inch and a half.

So hooray.

Prepare for a completely useless commentary on whatever comes to my mind, the main purpose of which is to give me a way to avoid doing any real work in photography.

First on the menu, winter break.  Mine's been over for about a week, but my college friends are still out.  (Eff you guys, by the by.)  I'm still mopey though, because their break isn't going to last much longer and then it'll be a few months until they really have time to spare again.

Worse yet, I'm kind of stranded.  My car that I was so excited to have back?  Died after I'd been independently mobile for only two and a half days.  My dad's been giving me rides everywhere since Saturday afternoon.  Except my dad works all the time, so I can't just pop downstairs and ask him if he can run me out to the bookstore or Starbucks or something.  Basically, for the next god-knows-how-long stretch of time, I can get to school and back, to work and back, and that's it.

Grand, eh?

So now I"m sitting in photography listening to Gnarls Barkley and thinking about college applications.  I'm not looking forward to sharing a tiny space with a stranger next year.  I like to have lots of personal time.  I haven't had to share a room since I was six or seven years old.  This does not excite me.  But, alas.  So is life.

Speaking of photography, I think it's time for me to come up with a different system for choosing photographers to study every six weeks.  What do I do, you ask?  Well, I look at the list, pick a name I like, and head off to Google.  What has this gotten me thus far?

Imogen Cunningham.  Pretty cool stuff.  She does AMAZING portraits.  But she also has a bad habit of doing nudes of pasty wrinkly white people.  Overall, not a bad project.  It wasn't hard to find school appropriate material that was good.

The next name that I thought was interesting?

Robert Mapplethorpe.  Hah.  If you've ever seen any of his work before, I'm sure you either just started laughing or made a sour face.  If you asked me to summarize the themes of his work in just a phrase it would probably be "Whoo! GAY PORN!"

In my dad's words:
"Mapplethorpe?  Ooooooh, you're gonna get suspeeeendeeeeed...."

Something that I can say for Mapplethorpe that can't be said for Cunningham, though, is that at least Mapplethorpe takes pictures of hott people.  I mean, damn.  Some of these men are fiiiiiiine.  Finding good pictures hasnt' been the problem.  The problem is finding ones that are even close to school appropriate.  I think I've managed to find enough that are only mostly nude or covering the jiggly bits that most people find offensive to their delicate sensibilities.

Anywho.  What next?  Hmmmm...

I need to write something.  You know, besides posts online.  It's been a long time since I really put any effort into a paper and I haven't written creatively in god knows how long.  I really need to stretch the writing muscles in my brain.  I've always taken joy in writing and I'm proud of my abilities, but over the past year or so I've been scoring progressively lower on writing assignments.  I need to whip myself back into shape and practice more.

I would ask for ideas to write about, but I know that no matter what anyone suggested, I would never get around to writing it.

So I guess I've reached a stalemate with myself?

*shrug*

Well, I do believe I've wasted quite enough time.  The bell is going to ring any minute now.  I must go home and get ready for work... Damn Cookie Store.  I finally posted a big ol' note on the schedule board that says "Please Note: Sarah does not work Tuesdays!"

Rrrrr.  Oh well.

Ciao, y'all.

Why do seniors have to be at school for the second semester of the year?  I mean, really...

Every class today has been booooring beyond all belief.

I'm about ready to take a nap on the keyboard.

*sigh*  Another half hour and I get to go home!  Hooray!

*starts counting down*

I can almost hear Sebastian crying...

"My hard drive!  It hurts!  Why are you doing this to me?"

Tough love, my friends.

I was one of those people who was oh-so-smart enough to say, "Pffft... I don't need to keep this in my music library. It's on my iPod if I need it."  So I deleted stuff when I got it on the iPod.

Well guess what... Apple designed iPods so that music can only go on and be deleted, but not come back to the computer.  And there are songs on my iPod now that are not on my computer that I would like to be able to burn to CDs and such.

So how does the internet come into all of this?  Because about 45 seconds on Google got me to an article on how to manually find the music folder on your iPod and copy it to your desktop, and then of course, move it into iTunes.

I have learned my lesson.  I not mess with the music library no more.

(I did bookmark the article just in case, though.)

:edit:

Scratch that.  There is more music on my iPod than there is free space on my computer.  >_<

Doing this the free way isn't going to work. I might have to buy one of those $10 or $15 programs.

Or get the specific songs I want some other way.

*sigh*

::unedit::

In other news!  BRUCE IS BACK!  AGAIN!

My car tried to quit working on me.  Again.  Back in early October.  My aunt swapped cars with me and has off and on over the past three-ish months been trying to fix it.  Finally, she tracked down a friend of hers who was able to fix the last problem.

I now have a ghetto switch coming out of my steering column that turns my dashboard and my tail lights on and off.  Pretty sweet, eh?

My cousins are not old enough to drive. I refuse to believe it.

Nevermind the fact that they're only two and a half years younger than me.

They can't drive. They're only three. No matter how tall they get, they have always been three and they always will be three.

Ahhh.... Hooray for family, eh?

I never thought that on December 26, I would walk into the mall, pause, listen, and then breathe a sigh of relief because the speakers were blaring Michael Jackson instead of Christmas carols.

Thank all that is good and holy for bad 80's music.

I would be wishing you all a Merry Christmas right now, but somebody -

*coughRACHELHODOROWICZcough*

- revoked my right to celebrate Christmas.  And on what grounds?

The fact that I'm a heathen.

Pfft!

Enjoy your December 25 anyways, whether you spend it at church or living in sweet heathendom, or both.

Why is it that the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on in my life lies so far out of my reach?

$169.99 out of my reach, to be exact?

Click and behold the glory that is The Complete Depeche Mode.

Depeche Mode makes my heart all happy and warm... iTunes has made my heart all painful and smooshed.

*sigh*

I'll just go shrivel up and die now.

What happens when the mall is open ridiculously late?

1.  Business dies.  Because no one really expects the mall to be open till 10 pm on a Sunday, not even eight days before Christmas.

2.  Employees get bored.  VERY bored.

3.  Employees start acting kind of weird, scaring off what few straggling customers there are at 8 PM and later.

4.  Since they have nothing better to do, Dip'n'Dots and the Cookie Store negotiate an exchange - three small ice creams for eight cookies and a drink.

5.  The Cookie Store + Our Daily Bread + matches + light bulbs + compact discs + cell phones + microwave ovens = hours of entertainment

*hums Outkast*

Here we are again... wasting time in photography.  It's kind of sad, really.  I did work yesterday.  I went out to my car in the middle of the downpour and sifted through the papers in my backseat to find the prints I made last six weeks.  I stuck them inside my hoodie for safekeeping, trudged back to the photo room, picked the two I liked best, and mounted them on pretty black boards.

That was the first real work I'd done in photo pretty much in... six weeks.  Sad, no?

Anyways.  Today. What could I entertain you with today?

Nothing new or interesting, really.  Sorry.

You'll just have to wait till my life gets less boring.

I am far more chipper today.

Not sure why.  Just feel better, I guess.

I'm huuuungry.  Stupid-not-having-any-food-or-cash.  Never fear!  I shall get food after school!  Hooray!

Heehee. You can tell I'm starting to lose patience with Cookie Store customers.  The other day, a woman walked up to the glass, pointed at the frosting sandwich cookies and said, "What's in that?"

What Sarah wanted to say:

Baby intestines.  Cyanide.  Rat poison.  Boric acid.  Essence of e-coli.

What Sarah really said:

Frosting.

So you know.  Haven't lost patience yet.

More fun at work!

Megan: You can pop that if you want.  I only sucked on it a little.

Sarah:  *blank stare*  Ohhh that is soooo going on the internet when I get home.

Megan:  *freaks*

I'll leave that to your imagination.

My head hurts.  I don't like it.

This afternoon promises to be interesting.

Gonna pick up some cheap sushi on the way home.  [Didn't eat lunch.]

Taking Katie Christmas shopping for her folks.

Hanging out with Rachel.

The things I SHOULD be doing this afternoon:

Laundry.

Cleaning.

Economics.

Research paper.

JROTC paper.

Taking photos.

Selling ads.

Studying calculus.

...Hah.  Yeah, it sounded funny to me too.

Soooo much wooooork.

Stupid mall.

Stupid extended holiday hours.

Stupid final research paper draft.

Stupid econ makeup work.

Stupid procrastination.

Yuck.

I could use a nap.  Wonder if the art lab keyboards are comfy?

I got my ACT scores back.

31.

First try.

34 Englsih.  29 Math.  33 Reading.  26 Science.

This had been worrying me for quite some time.

I cried a little when I read it.

Why do the best days have the worst endings?

Staying awake in calculus.  Understanding calculus.

Learning to say such fun phrases as "It's my first time." in Russian.

Starting Hamlet in AP English.  I like Hamlet.

Reading a good book instead of doing my econ homework.

Getting work done in photography.

Working with my Megan for the second day in a row.

Free pizza from the boss.

Hour long power blackout in the entire mall!  Much fun with the Finish Line employees.

Witnessing a grab-and-run shop lifting from Sears.

All in all, a really cool day.

But the end... I'd say it's bad enough to at least balance the good parts.

That's a feeling that sucks.

So today in JROTC, they played that game with the different colored hershey kisses that stand for pregnancy or various diseases and such, yes?

Well, most of these kids have played this game in middle school.  So they all take the silver ones, because those are always the disease-free ones.  By the time they get passed to the seniors, there's one silver one and a whole bunch of gold ones left.  Trish and I take the gold ones, assuming we've caught some terrible disease, while Clint takes the silver one.

Everyone who has a gold one is told to stand up.  This means me, Trish, and one or two of the sophomores we teach.  We're all certain that we now have gonorrhea or chlamydia or something, but lo and behold... they've changed things up.

The gold ones apparently now mean that you've stayed abstinent.

And the silver ones that all the "good" kids took mean that they got knocked up.  (This must have been 20-something kids in the class.)

This may seem like a boring story to you, but trust me...

There aren't many things funnier than me and Trish Fusco being the "abstinent" ones in our class.

(Also, as a disclaimer:  I have been abstinent thus far in my life, but not because of a grand commitment to save myself for marriage or anything.)

Anyways.  I guess you had to be there.  Feel free to go about with your daily business now.

Trish:  Sarah!

Sarah:  Yeah?

Trish:  WE HAVE SEX ED THIS WEEK!

Sarah:  Seriously?

Trish: *nods*

Sarah:  YAY!  *jumps up and down with excitement*

My favorite about teaching a sophomore class in JROTC?  SEX ED!  This will be the... sixth year in a row that I have that abstinence-only program that Rutherford County runs.  It hath melted my brain.

Abstinence Lady:  So, if you found out today that you were pregnant, how would that change your plans?  You'd have three choices.  You could either raise it, put it up for adoption, or have an abortion...

Me:  I'd be a lot wealthier a year from now... I'd sell mine on the black market!

Ahhhh... This is my favorite week of the year.  I love to see the disappointed look on the AZITA people's faces when they realize that their preaching to a bunch of hyperactive sex addicts...

"If I ever got my nipples pierced, you're the first person I would show them to."  -- Mady Robertson

This is what happens when you stay at Starbucks till 11:30 and then IHOP till almost 1 AM.

You steal cars and you say really dumb stuff.

Wooooohooooo.

Life has actually been pretty cool to me lately.

We're not best buddies or anything.  But we don't shoot each other dirty looks either.

So me and life, we're good for now.

My grades are good for the first time in over a year.

I have a steady job that doesn't make me want to kill myself.

I'm not ready to apply to college yet, but I'm out of time.  So it sucks to be me.

Soo yeah.  Enjoy your holiday everyone.  I would ask you to come visit me at the mall on Friday or Saturday, but it would do you no good.  I think I'll be so fried that I wouldn't even be able to recognize my mom if she walked up to say hi to me.

Scene: Sarah Vermillion has just gotten off work and is leaving the mall. Before she goes home however, she has a big ol' craving for a venti gingerbread latte, so she starts walking to Starbucks. All of a sudden, a car rounds the corner and stops nearby, with the window rolled down. Two thirty-something-year-old women are inside.

WOMAN IN CAR: Excuse me, ma'am?

SARAH: Yes?

WOMAN: Are you from around here?

SARAH: Yeah.

WOMAN: Can you tell us how to get to the (mumble)?

SARAH: I'm sorry?

WOMAN: The (mumble).

SARAH: I'm sorry, one more time. Where are you wanting to go?

WOMAN: The new (mumble with definate d sounds in it).

SARAH: The Dollar Store?

WOMAN: The new ADULT store.

SARAH: . . . .

WOMAN: . . . .

CRICKETS: (chirp)

SARAH: Oh, sure. That's on Broad Street. You see this road here? This is Old Fort Pkwy. You need to turn left, go down two lights, and turn left again...

(Sarah continues giving directions until end scene, and then exits stage left to Starbucks).

---

This ladies and jellyspoons, made my day. : D