So here's the deal. Everything in my life seems to be going beautifully, and I would never let anyone know otherwise, but you know, it's kind of lonely here. I'm missing something very important. I'm actually enjoying my classes, and I have an amazing job as a pharmacy assistant. (Well, I hope I still have it, my till was off last night when they counted). I thought I was happy, but then on my days off, I just sit in my room with nothing to do, no one to hang with. I just stare at the computer all day long. I try to make friends, but people here just seem like they don't need another friend or something, ya know? Tomorrow, though, I'm going to eat lunch with Tri Sigma, so I hope that goes well. It would be a great way to meet people, and a great source of camaraderie. I guess I should pray about this whole deal. I prayed about the job, and amazingly got it. It's a very weird story, and pretty much miraculous how it happened.

I know I'm supposed to be here, and this is how. You see, I have these dreams, sort of like premonitions. No, I am not joking and I am not crazy. More than a couple of times this has happened. Anyways, deja vu also comes into play with this. You see, I have the dream, and it is stored in some hidden memory. Then, when the event happens, this memory is unlocked, and I remember, in great detail, the dream. Well, the first week of classes, my English professor said that we were going to be reading The Great Gatsby. She then went into how we probably read it in high school and didn't like it. Months earlier, I had a dream, and when I had it I didn't understand it, but that is exactly what happened in my dream.

My life is strange. And I do believe that those dreams also have something to do with the Cruce blessing.

Okay, so I'm really depressed right now, what's new? I just can't get over something, and the way it ended was so wrong, and due to a lot of lies. A lot was unfinished, and I have no real closure. I know I need to get over this, dwelling on it does nothing, besides making me feel down. I've just sort of been walking around trying to be happy, but failing. And I can't get a job, so I have way too much free time to just think, and so I just sleep all day so I won't have to.

after all this time my heart still breaks when i hear your name. not because i love you, but because of all the things we left unfinished and unsaid

And I did actually love someone and fall in love. And if you don't want to read this crap, then don't, but don't leave me rude comments. I just need to get this all out. And, yes, I've heard all the advice before. And nothing will fix this except for time.

I thought a change in location would help, but no. So, I'm sitting here, not knowing anyone really except for my roomie. I don't want anyone to know that I'm down. I want everyone to believe that life is great for me in my new place. I put on an extremely happy face when I go out. And you know, when I'm driving in my car listening to music, I truly am happy. But the thoughts of him still linger, everywhere I go, every moment. I don't know how to rid myself of them.

Basically, I've just been eating and sleeping and going to classes. I want a job so badly, and no one will hire me it seems.

Hopefully things will start looking up soon. After the MLK weekend, I'm applying for waitressing jobs. And this weekend I'm saying farewell to my best friend, Irina. I'm going home, seeing my brother, and getting a puppy! Monday I'm getting fitted for a dress for my firend Lindsey's wedding. Only thing is, I feel fat right now, and I'll probably lose inches before then.

So, it's done. I finally made a decision, and I'm moving tomorrow at 12. Then, I'll have to register for classes. I'm excited, but scared at the same time. I really have to get a job. I hate having downtime. This Christmas break has nearly killed me. I like to keep myself busy, so lately I've just been sleeping a lot. There doesn't seem to be anything to be awake for. I can't wait to actually have something to do. Classes start Thursday! And once I have my new address, I'll apply for jobs. I can't wait! Oh wait, I already said that.

I did have an awesome New Years. Everyone came up to ATL, and we went to Dave and Buster's. I love that place!

I bought an amazing dress with my Christmas money, and heck, I may even have a date to wear it on! I bought a lot of great stuff with my Christmas money. Downside, I have a $117 speeding ticket to pay...oh well. Just another reason I want a job. So I'll have money to buy the things I need, and some things that I want.

So I'm doing a lot of thinking and a lot of decision- making. Please bear with me. No, I do not know where I will be in the Spring. WR, BPC, AASU? Yesterday, all I wanted to do was come home, but you know, that's probably not the best plan. I think I will stick with the original, and it will be fabulous. Then I can be an adult on my own, although I will have no friends where I am going. I can't wait to have my own place, and a job, and be going to a new school. I just want to start life. I really want to get an apartment now. I have everything to furnmish it, and make it my own.

Okay...so it's been such an emotional week. It's been all too much for me to handle. I lost people who I thought really cared about me. There are a few good things that came from all of this though:

1. I ran back to my family. I talked to my brother for an hour tonight. I told him how I've been so messed up lately. Dad called, I told him I was going to move back home, and the first question he asked was, "Did you and the boys have a fight?" How does he know me so well? I didn't want him to know he was right, so I responded with a no. Mommy's coming tomorrow at 12, when my classes end, to help me move out. I need her to hold me, and pet my head like when I was a child, and not ask questions. She never does, she's just always there to love me. I have been talking with my cousin. Elizabeth. I think I need her more in my life. She is a little younger than me, but she can understand me I think. And I just need someone to hang out with, talk to, and be girly with.

2. I relied on my girl friends. I got so wrapped up in the guys that I really didn't have too many girl friends. And Jes, my roomie has been gone for 6 weeks. So I have strengthened my relationships with Lindsey, Irina, Jessica, B, and Elizabeth. I love you all so much!

3. Since I was having my own great depression, I ran back to God. I have been so far from him, and have changed so much. I can already see that He is helping me. Thank God for mercy and grace. Thank Him for always taking me back. I cannot fathom taking someone like me back, when I left him. I'm so sorry.

4. I'm focusing on the things I forgot. Schoolwork, God, family, friends.

5. I learned a lot from all this tragedy...not really good, but...

So I'm moving home to get my life back in order. I'll be attending college and hopefully working. I'll definitely be working out. I plan on taking Mom and Ryan to the gym with me. I'll get my body, my confidence, my life,my grades, MYSELF back.

I can already see some of me returning. Some of the old high school bad, some of the January good. I'm going to try to sift into the perfect, exuberant me. Tomorrow hopefully Mommy and me can get pedis and manis, and go shopping. And maybe, I can get my hair fixed. I want to feel special!

Life's pretty much messed up right now. You see, I haven't been with God for a while. I've seen my world becoming a mess, and yet I just kept on with the way I was living. I thank the Lord that I didn't do a certain and devastating action. Last night was the end for me. I was at the lowest I have ever been in my life. I tried to go to bed, but I knew that I needed God. I got up, grabbed the Bible, and began to read. It calmed me, and I prayed that God would help me to sleep. Right after I said those words, I fell into slumber. I had so much on my mind that I would've been up all night. Everything just hit the fan last night. My best friends have left me. They were misinformed, and don't want to continue friendship with me. I guess they weren't really my friends if they would do that. I'm so confused. I've made so many wrong choices lately. I think I will be returning home in the spring, try to fix myself. Right now, I just want my mommy. I'm 19, and I want my mommy. I don't want to talk about anything, I just need her to comfort me. Hold me, tell me everything will be okay. I've lost everything.

How can I just turn off the switch and stop caring? Why do I care about someone who doesn't care about me? I've had three opporunities to have sex, and I've turned him down all three times. Only because he doesn't love me. And that's what I told him. And he agreed that he doesn't, and said that I don't love him either. My body wanted it so bad, and amazingly I still had the strength to say no. It's for the better because it will just make me even more let down. And he has another girl anyways, and is probably still in love with the old ones. And I want him to be happy no matter what, even though he's made me so unhappy. I really won't care so much, as long as the girl is better than me. That's all I ask. If I know for a fact she's more than me, then I will gracefully bow out. Then again, I don't want to compete anyways. I don't think a girl should have to compete. I'm not trying to be cocky, but guys should be competing over me, not me for their affection.

Why do girls always do this? Fall for a guy, and get so attached. I'm just left here broken hearted. I think sometimes that if I went on dates with other guys it would help. No guys ever ask though. And I don't know that I could because I'm so attached. He obviously doesn't care about hurting me though. With him, I always just get let down, and am upset.

I've changed so much because of this. I used to be strong-willed, and now it seems I have no will of my own.

EVERYONE was right, and I am FOOLISH!

This semester has been the worst ever, but then again I have grown the most in it. No, I am not proud of all the things I've done, but I do know that I have learned SO much. And no, it wasn't all good, but the life lessons from it, I will keep with me always.

Only 10 more days left in this semester. It's definitely bittersweet. I am so sick of the college I am attending. It's just not the same as it used to be, I'm not happy there. I will miss my boys terribly though. Well, actually at this moment I don't feel the same fondness for them as I have previously. I do definitely love them, and the good times we spend together. I am far too dependent on their company though, and as of late it has been lacking. 

I want to attend Armstrong in the Spring, but their admissions department is a little behind in processing all the mail. I have sent in everything on time though, so here's hoping. I plan on doing the pre-pharmacy track in their health science department, and then moving on to Pharm school. If I go there, I won't really miss my boys because I'll be in the same city. I want to live in a city so badly. Mount Vernon certainly isn't doing it for me.

Hopefully the boys and I will get to spend some quality time, reminiscent of our past good times (Monday nights), together this week. It'll really be like our last hoorah before finals.

Why am I such a fool? Why did I fall for him? And why do I still want him even now? He said he doesn't want to be with me because he doesn't need any additional stress in his life? Well, you know what? I don't need any additional bullshit in mine. And a girlfriend should not be a stressor. She should be the exact opposite; someone you go to to relieve your stress. Why did he do all those things to make me become emotionally attached? And why am I siiting here crying my eyes out over him? Why did I let him in my world, make him my world? Now it's all shot to hell. Why can't I have Sprng back? Life seemed so perfect then. Was he just carrying on because it was comfortable? He's put me through so much crap and I still love him. I hate him right now, but I still want to be with him. What is this, love or insanity? And he said I can decide how things will be. Well I was complacent and hopeful. So now that hope's not there. Should I carry on the same? I suppose so. How should I act around him now? It's not like we were ever friends, there was always intent for more, but I got not any longer. I guess I'll act like none of this ever happened, and continue living in ignorance. It was nice that way. Even as I sit here crying, I think to myself how to win him over, but you can't make someone love you. I guess I never will have love, and no I'm not just saying that because of the current situation. I'd like to say love doesn't exist, but it does. Just not for me.