I was recently told that when a guy says "It's not you, it's me," he is actually telling the truth.  Being a person who has received this let down about 4 times in the past year and a half, I should be an expert,but alas, I am not.

What do you think?

1) Male or Female?
100% woman, hormones and all.
2) Do you pray?
constantly
3) Are you in love?
only with Jesus right now.
4) Ever wish on stars?
yes
5) Do you believe in karma?
yes, in that one reaps what one sows.
6) What's your zodiac sign?
pisces...like it matters.
7) Have you ever almost died?
I'm sure we all have and really don't know how often.
8) Ever broken any bones?
slight fracture on my nose at church camp...ahh church camp
9) Do you cry during sad movies?
Heaven help me, I cry over everything anymore.
10) Do you like to dance?
heck yeah!
11) Ever laid under the stars?
yes
12) Ever sat on a rooftop?
yes.  I have a rather nice one outside the bedroom window in the house I'm moving to that I fully intend to make use of.
13) Is there a such thing as a soul mate?
Yes, but not necessarily of the opposite sex or romantically.  I think mine is my best friend, Emily.
14) Could you live without the television?
I have for the past year.
15) Could you live without music?
It's kind of my livelihood
16) Do you have any self inflicted scars?  Define "self-inflicted..."
17) What do you dislike the most about life?
Nothing really
18) Have you ever been to jail?
Only as a minister
19) Ever had a job for less than a day?
yeah
20) Ever been fired on your first day?
never been fired
21) Ever been fired because of your attitude?
see above^
22) Do you get jealous of other people?
On rare occasions, and nothing that's enough to really notices
23) Would you rather love someone or be loved?
I've been in both situations, and either without reciprocation totally sucks.
24) What's under your bed right now?
Drawers.  Wrapping paper.  An electric keyboard.  probably some tissues.
25) Ever done anything illegal?
I speed a lot.
26) Have you ever been dumped?
yes, thrice in the past year
27) Ever dumped somebody?
yes, but it's been a while
28) How cool are you?
the coolest
29) Do you support abortion?
no
30)Do you believe in God?
More than believe
31) Did you graduate high school?
Yes, and it seems like a million years ago.
32) Do you wear the same clothes two days in a row?
too many times to mention and keep my pride
33) Have you ever driven someone crazy?
are we talking annoyed or certifiable?
35) Ever done the Macarena?
I did it before it came out, because I still contend that in the 8th grade, I helped make up a dance to "Love Shack" that was not unlike the Macarena, although the Macarena didn't come out till I was in 9th grade, so therefore, I helped create the Macarena.  God, forgive me.
36) Do you act your age?
Usually far older or far younger, but never in the same range...
37) Is it okay to disrespect your parents?
My parents are my dearest friends.  One needs one's parents and therefore should treat them with the utmost respect.
38) Do you flush the toilet when you're done?
naw, I just let it all pile up and overflow my bathroom till I'm evicted from every place I inhabit...what do you think?
39) How long do you stay in the shower?
depends on the day and the length of my hair.
40) What kind of soap do you use?
whatever.
41) Are mullets cool?
depends on who is sporting it.
42) Spiderman, Batman, or Superman?  SUPERMAN! Always and forever.
43) Do you like your middle name?
no
44) Has anyone ever cheated on you?
sort of
46) What's your favorite animal?
Penguins!
47) Favorite flower?
peonies
48) Have you ever shaved your head?
no
49) Do you think marijuana should be legal for medicinal use?
on the fence
50) Do you think it is okay to drink and drive? I am decidedly against it.
51) If you won $1 million dollars, what would you buy first?
buy nothin'...I'd pay off my college loans and my car.
52) Do you fear terrorism?
sometimes
54) What's your favorite candle scent?
vanilla all the way
55) Do you use profanity?
only euphamistically
56) Who's the last person you talked to on AIM?
uh.....
57) What's something you're ashamed of?
my failed relationships
58) What woke you up last night?
my bladder
59) What did you dream about last night?
I dunno
60) Ever been to the zoo?
many
61) How many beers did you have today?
It's three o'clock...are you kidding?
62) What's the last movie watched?  Walk the Line
63) Are you usually late or on time?
it's a mix
64) What's a cartoon you watch often?
I don't have cable
65) Do you have any imaginary friends?
I have people that I imagine are my friends and are probably not.  Does that count?
66) Are you waiting on something right now?
Always
67) Who's pretty?
Me!  Maybe not.  My students told me I was having a bad hair day
68) Who's ugly?
Only those who take into account outward appearances as a judgement of character
69) Are you worried about something?
Always

Scenario: You have strong feelings for someone who probably does not have those feelings in return and definitely is not up for a relationship for at least the next 5-6 years.

Do you:

A: Go ahead and date other people, knowing that it will probably be completely futile because the entire time you will be thinking of the other person that you cannot be with? or,

B: Sit at home every night for the next 5-6 years in the hope that said object of affection will finally come around and figure out what you already know?

I blog on this for 2 reasons:

1) it's toward the end of the school year, and as much as my students think they want to be free, it could never compare to how much I wish I didn't have to grade papers or write lesson plans...

2) I need freedom.  I thought I was free from some things, or rather, I am free from those things, but I still have a hard time claiming it.  I don't know how to.  The scars that were healing may have never healed.  They were just covered by really good bandages.  But then the bandages came off and the wounds were exposed, and I found myself buckling from the pain rather than facing it.  Instead of fighting my foe, I had him for coffee and donuts. (Could I use any more analogies?)

So here I go again.  Starting over. Again.  God, help me.

Okay, this whole deciding which site to blog on is difficult, but today Phusebox wins!  I may just copy and paste this to MySpace...

I saw in the Religion section of the paper the other day that there is a church in Minnesota that refused to care for a transsexual.  For those of you who do not know, a transsexual is someone who begins life as one gender and then later in life is surgically altered to become another gender.  In this case, the person was born a man and became a woman.

A little more information: the church worked with the community to take care of invalids and others who may need care during the day.  People who needed assistance would register with a community organization that would then divide up the list between the participating churches.  This church received this person and refused to care for her.

When asked why, the minister at the church said that the church wishes to minister to everyone, but this person was living in direct contradiction to the teachings of the church.  First of all, who is NOT living in direct contradiction to the teachings of the church? Last time I checked, we're ALL sinners and ALL sins are in the same book.  They would have to turn everyone away if they were consistent with this policy.  Secondly, what exactly is this church teaching? Certainly not the Bible, because the book of James advises the church not to turn ANYONE away, to not be a "respecter of persons."  Thirdly, if you want to minister to everyone, like you say, DO IT.  The people who are living in such "blatant disregard" of the scriptures are the ones who need ministering most.

What have we done, church?  Where did we turn wrong?  We've lost our heart.  We've lost our burden.  We've lost our vision.  We are to LOVE.  Christ said to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Guess what?  Sometimes our neighbors struggle with different sins than what we do.  Love them anyway.

I hope that with this Easter, or as it is popularly called in evangelical churches, Resurrection Sunday, that we focus on Jesus.  Not on our new outfits or who is going where for dinner, but on Jesus.  Newsflash: He died for ALL of us.  We don't get to choose who can be saved.  Christ already did that.  He also decided who we have to love.

Love everyone.

I gave in to the power.  I have a myspace.  I wish it was myDANCEspace instead! That would be great.

I just need to keep in touch with all my friends.  And most of them are already on mySpace and don't want another blog...or they are on mySpace, Xanga, LiveJournal, Facebook, and have half a dozen email addresses and honestly can't keep up with another blog.

Oh well.  I'm a proud Phuser and will always be.

Well, going before the judege wasn't too bad.  Actually, praise God, he waived the whole ticket and let me off with a warning.  Yay!  So I took my mom to dinner.  And I was in such a good mood, I left an $8 tip.

Thursday I felt kinda yucky at school again, so I went to the doctor.  He asked what my symptoms were.  I said sinus poo.  He asked if I had trouble breathing...a bit...sore throat?...yes...fatigue?...yes...feel like you've been hit by a truck?...y- what?...Do you feel like you've been hit by a truck?...well, yes.  Yes I do!

So I have a virus. And it's not from using the internet.  Wait a minute until your Norton pops up and you'll get that. 

Thursday was the night from you-know-where.  I coughed till I thought I would vomit (again, only this time without an audience).  Then I would get the chills till I was too sore to move.  Then I would try to move and the process would begin again.  I experienced vertigo for the first time.  My first thought was, this must be what it's like to be on drugs...  I didn't sleep at all.  My fever climbed and climbed until finally breaking about 4am.

Yesterday I was better.  Today a little better yet again, but I really want to know why this elephant keeps standing on my chest, and would someone please get rid of the cappuchin monkeys that have invaded my sinus cavities?

No, seriously.  That's the story.  I set them to work standing on one side of the room listening to music.  They were to use movement to figure out if the rhythm was even or uneven.  And then I thought to myself, "I kinda feel funny.  I think I need to sit down...and take the trashcan with me."  And then I blew chunks.  You should have seen the look on those 8-year-old faces.

It's in keeping with my week of insanity.  I apparently was driving without insurance for a week and a half.  I did not know this.  I have to go before a judge tomorrow.  Woo-hoo!  What a week! and it's only Tuesday.

hyperCalvinism or Deism?

Does God have every single move of ours predestined down to breath, thought, heartbeat, and tripping over rocks, or is He closer to the other end of the spectrum--setting the world in motion and watching from afar as we make our own decisions without intervening?

Should one go into a relationship with high expectations or no expectations?

I'm turning 24 on Tuesday.

Last year I had the best birthday ever.  I was surrounded by friends.  I had multiple celebrations.  I even had the day off from school.  Four friends took me to lunch.  Another offered desert.  I received gifts from friends--not something that happens a lot to me.

This year, I don't know what will happen.  I have many of the same friends, but a dozen or so have moved, and the rest are living in a completely different world than I.

I had a group with which I fit perfectly at one time...to be honest, for the first time in my life. University Christian Fellowship.  They've saved my life so many times in so many ways.  But now I go there--because I really don't know where else to go--and I don't fit anymore, or at least, not like I used to.  I have no way of serving.  The jobs I used to do are now filled by others due to the fact that I simply have no time to do them, what with teaching and driving and spending two days a week with my Nana.  I'm in limbo.

I need to find somewhere else to go, some other way to serve, somewhere to fit.  But it seems impossible.

"I wanna run, I want to hide.

I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside

I want to reach out and touch the flame

Where the streets have no name"

--U2 

"There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance."  --Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) When Harry Met Sally

I agree with this statement in one sense: There are, in fact, two kinds of women in this world.

However, I contend that the two kinds are as follows:  Those women who know they are high-maintenance and those women who don't know they are high-maintenance.  You see, all women are high-maintenance.

Before all my fellow females get mad at me, I want you to consider that there are many forms of high-maintenance.  You see, I used to think I was not high maintenance, but about a year ago, I discovered otherwise.  I am high maintenance in the category of communication.  I want communication from people--especially significant others.  Usually a simple "Hey, I'm alive and thinking about you, but I have to go, bye." will do for me.  But I need some form of communication (text message, phone call, email, visit, letter, etc.) almost every day, because, you see, I worry (a side-effect of being high-maintenance).  When talking to other women, I usually am told that this is a reasonable expectation--communication, that is.  I'm told that it's perfectly normal.

The story is different from the guy end of the spectrum.  So many of the guys in my life think it's asking just a little much to expect daily communication (I'm really only asking for a hello, not a full-fledge conversation, folks, but, alas...).  For guys, apparently, this is not an easy thing.  They like space.  They like freedom.  They don't want to be obligated to call and check in.  This I understand.  But I could be the needy or attention-seeking form of high maintenance, in which case I would demand to know the details of every day and would also require x-amount of time to be spent with me.  I am not this kind of high-maintenance.  I just want to not worry.

But the real question here is, am I worth my high-maintenance needs?  After many a failed relationship in the past few years, I have had more than my share of doubts.  I often think that I'm not worth the trouble and therefore refrain from expressing my need for communication (is anyone else seeing the irony?).  The truth is, though, that I just need to find someone who thinks I'm worth it.  I need to think I'm worth it.

And I just realized this today.

So, wherever you are, I know you are going to be incredible when I meet you.  You will be the most amazing guy I've ever met, because you will not only understand my high-maintenance needs, you will love them.  You may not like them, but you will love them.  And I will love you.  100%  I can't wait to meet you.  I'm praying for you.  I love you already.

I hit a skunk with my car Wednesday.  It stinks now.

Glad it's the weekend, even though I'll probably spend the whole thing in a doc's office or working.  :-P

Anyhoo.  that's me in a nutshell.

Okay, so I'm a little under the weather today.  Took a sick day.  I hate doing that, but I needed it.  You can't teach kids when standing up causes dizziness.

My wait is finally over!  I have finally seen a Steelers victory in my life time!  And what a game it was!  We've had so many boring SuperBowls the past couple of years.  Same old, same old.  Patriots win, Patriots win, Tom Brady checks his makeup...  The most excitement has been in the wardrobe malfunctions (almost remniscent of the Yankee dynasty we saw in baseball in the late nineties).  But this year's game was impressive.  The Seahawks played a great game.  Both teams had their mishaps, bad calls left fans of both teams cringing, beautiful plays renewed our hopes, and it was an all-out great night.  Until this morning when I realized that something I ate during the athletic tour-de-force was planning to make its own comeback.

I was excited though.  What a way for a man like Jerome Bettis to retire: victorious and in his own city.  And Jurevicius...what a player. That man is amazing.  But nothing compared to that amazing 70+ yarder by Hines Ward, the imaginative trick play by Roethlisberger and his receivers, and the supernatural action that is Troy Palomalu.  Wow.  I am vindicated.

Next year, this lifelong Steelers fan will cheer just as rabidly as always, possibly more in the glow of recent wins.  But deep down, I will harbor a hope for the New Orleans Saints.  Just because, as a Marshall grad, I love a good "Ashes to Glory" story.

Speaking of, they're making a film about my college!  Shooting in WV and Atlanta.  And with a resounding GO HERD, I take my terrible towel and rest in utter satisfaction.

Song titles that fit my relationship status at the moment:

"Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen (because my relationships keep dropping like flies)

"All By Myself" by Celine Dion (self-explanatory)

Anything on the Breakaway album by Kelly Clarkson (just listen to the album, you'll get it)

"Deliver Me" by David Crowder (sounds like recent conversations with God)

"On My Own" from Les Miserables (because I relate to Eponine)

"Song for the Dumped" by Ben Folds Five (duh)

"Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins (because the world really is a vampire)

"Get Over It" by the Eagles (because I need to)

"Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis (yeah)

"Take Another Little Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin (just take it!)

"You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'" by the Righteous Brothers (sounds like my life)

"Crazy" by Patsy Cline (because I am)

"I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor (I can't believe I'm saying that)

"Ain't to Proud to Beg" by the Temptations (because I'm not)

"My Immortal" by Evanescence (because these wounds will take a long time to heal)

"Breakdown Here" by Julie Roberts (because country music artists understand pain)

"I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton (not as much the Whitney Houston version, really, because, like I said, country artists understand pain)

"Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional (because I like that song, no other reason, really)

Here's a question: Is fear a sin?

I, for one, would be a terrible sinner if it were.  I fear so many things.  This morning is an example.  I was late for work and driving out of my parking lot.  A woman started walking toward my car.  All I could tell was that she said "Stop" (my stereo was to loud to hear anything, but I read that word on her lips).  Of course, I did not stop.  Instead, I locked my doors and avoided eye contact, fearing that she was strung out on crack or meth and would attempt to get in my car.

But I couldn't shake the thought of her.  Did I do something wrong?  Was I really protecting myself from danger, or only from my own fantastic fears?  I have been successfully socialized to the thought that one should not talk to strangers or panhandlers, should not pick up hitchhikers, and should never walk alone in the dark.  I've watched enough Law and Order and CSI to figure that out.

I fear other things: loneliness. failure. disappointment.  I fear them and avoid them with all my might.  Yet Christ said that He would be with me always.  Fear not.  That He would give me peace.  I need the peace that passes understanding.

But while I know fear is harmful, I still wonder, is it a sin?

When all around is fading

And nothing seems to last

When each day is filled with sorrow

Still I know, with all my heart

He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world in His hands

I fear no evil, for You are with me

Strong to deliver, mighty to save

He's got the whole world in His hands

I feel for Leah...the one in the Bible...the first wife of Jacob.  See, she knew that Jacob didn't want her.  She wasn't the most attractive of the daughters in that family.  At that time it seems this was a big deal.  Maybe it is now, too.

But Rachel was barren--infertile is what we say now.  Her one short-coming.  She couldn't provide the most important service a woman could at that time.

So Leah saw her opening.  She started making babies.  And with each one, she thought, "Surely, he'll love me this time."  But Jacob never did. He always put Leah right behind Rachel.

Most men today don't have two wives.  But some women find themselves in the same struggle.  Maybe if I do this, make this change, act this way, he will love me like I want to be loved.

Yeah.  I feel awful for Leah.  She was a little petty, for sure.  But who wouldn't be?

So I was raised in the Independent Fundamental Baptist tradition.  There are many things about this style of worship that I love.  One of them is that the Bible is unquestionably the word of God and that we should live our lives around it if we claim to serve God.

However, fundamentalism has taken some turns for the worse.  It has become associated with legalism.  There are suddenly all these rules among the "Bible-thumpers" that I'm pretty sure are not in the Bible.  I still consider myself a Fundamentalist in the truest sense--I believe the Bible is the word of God and that it should be followed as a blueprint for life.  I believe in the fundamentals of the faith.  I am a Bible-thumper.

But I don't fit with that crowd anymore.

You see, all through high school, I challenged youth leaders and pastors about things they said.  Rock music is bad. Dancing of any kind is immoral.  They even challenged dating way before Joshua Harris kissed dating goodbye.  I thought, music is good.  Rock music is fun.  Christian rock reaches people that Gospel music doesn't.  Dancing is an expression of emotion.  That's a good thing, right?  I tap my feet to the church choir and clap to the quartets just as much as with everything else.

Well, I learned today that the Bible backs me up!  Check out 2 Sam. 6.  King David has experienced a great amount of triumph in his life at this point.  As they are bringing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem, he dances through the streets in his uderwear (the Bible says linen ephod, but it's the same thing)!  He is so overwhelmed with joy, with the vitory God has given him, that it is not enough to simply speak about it or sing about it.  This joy has taken over his entire body.  It wasn't immoral or alcohol induced.  It was his way of expressing his joy.  David was a man after God's own heart.  And if you'll notice, there's a pattern in scripture.  If God isn't happy with something David does, he lets him know, usually through Nathan.

Then Michal, the daughter of Saul, comes up to David.  Now let me just say that I think her intentions were good.  Michal was all about serving God, she would have been considered a good Christian today.  But Michal called David down on his actions.  She called him vulgar, among other things.  Just like today's Fundamentalists, Michal called David down for worshipping in an undignified manner.

But look at what David says in v. 22: "I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

Na na na na na na, HEY!

Worship God however you are led. Don't look down on anyone else's worship.  Just make sure that it is from God--what He is leading you to do, and not your own show.

And dance away.