i won't let anyone talk about leaving because it makes me want to cry.

but a kid did tell me i was his favorite teacher yesterday:)! (a school-ager, obviously not one of my babies!)

in the period of about 12 hours this week i...
1). Had a man voice,
2). Lost my voice completely,
3). Sounded like I was a boy going through puberty,
and finally 4). Regained my normal voice.

I've also been offered and accepted an internship at University of Iowa Hospital.

so there is much concern about what is going to happen in the next few months. i'm scared i'm not going to get an internship.

but if i don't get one, it might be a good thing. since i'll have to pay to take 9 credits out of pocket. if i do it in the fall, i can use my financial aid and just work over the summer.

i don't know what to pray for, just praying that it all works out. please pray too.

and sometimes, i wonder where in the world my heart comes up with these crazy things that it does. i constantly get myself into situations that i leap in with my heart and get out with my head. i refuse to do that anymore. so here's to letting go of any attempt to determine certain aspects of the future.

off to get fingerprinted, again. at least i get reimbursed.

the flight from nashville was the longest flight of my life. i thought i was never going to get off the plane. there were two girls on board that were definitely total "california girls" and it just made me laugh. oh and northwest lost my luggage on the way to nashville. great. but they found it and i picked it up from ontario airport this morning.
heather picked me up from the airport and it was so good to see her! i don't know what we are goign to do when she moves back to the east coast and i most likely return to the central time zone! plus we are having lunch with remy tomorrow and i am so excited to see her!
so the title of this entry is a slogan for one of the radio stations out here. i've been back for a day now, and i miss everyone at home, but I love it here too. i wish i could transplant home to here. i love being able to see my family, hang with brand, and randomly run into someone i've known since the first grade:). but it is so beautiful out here! its only 55 today, which generally would seem really cold to me here, but coming from illinois i am ready to break out the flip flops. this weekend is supposed to be in the 70s.
i was driving today and got to listen to the radio and it was just funny to me how different advertisements are out here. some of them actually made me laugh out loud because they were so typically californian.

well....i'm going to try to just take each day as it comes, and enjoy life in california while i still get to live here!:)

i've just identified that craig's list has both st. louis and knoxville on it. that makes me feel better.

This song rocks my face off. Pretend it says 23 years, loading up a buick, and change the sister to a brother and it pretty much fits. and in case you want to know, the artist is carrie underwood.

18 years have come and gone
For momma they flew by
But for me they just drug on
We were loading up that Chevy
Both tryin' not to cry
Momma kept on talking
Putting off good-bye
Then she took my hand and said
Baby don't forget

Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
There's a 50 in ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here's a map and here's a Bible
If you ever loose your way

Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me

This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home
and those bills there on the counter
Remind me I'm on my own
And just like every Sunday I called momma up last night
And even when it's not, I tell her everything's alright
Before we hung up I said
Hey momma, don't forget to tell my baby sister I'll see her in the fall
And tell mee-mal that I miss her
Yeah, I should give her a call
And make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl
Yeah I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
Don't forget to remember me

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven't done this in a while
So I don't know what to say but
Lord I feel so small some times in this big ol' place
I know there are more important things, but
Don't forget to remember me
Don't forget to remember me

I'm kind of grateful that the January class is cancelled; I need a longer break from Leslie. Don't get me wrong, I have respect for the woman as a mentor, Child Life Specialist, and as a person. However, her style of teaching and going about business can be frustrating when she is the only teacher we have. In order to maintain my sanity, I think it is best that I wait until February to see her again.

So I've been in a bit of a "freak-out" mode with these internship applications. In the end, I only applied to three hospitals. Translation: I wasted $15 in transcript requests from Olivet. But in some cases I doubt that I really wanted to do my internship there. I would have liked to have been offered one of the hospitals in Minnesota, but they do get a ton of applicants and there were other places I would much rather do my internship, so why waste their time and my time? I would really like to get St. Louis, but I am scared about the expense. I am what some might call "fiscally challenged." And word on the street (and by that I mean from their application information) is that it is pretty expensive to rent for just a few months out there.

I would really like to get University of Iowa because it is very practical but also very functional. I would like to get East Tennessee because, well let's face it, I love Tennessee and it's a great hospital. But maybe it would do me good to be home and get my feet wet.

So in all this hoopla surrounding the perpetual "where am I going to end up" question, I have to consider the possibility that I might not get offered an internship. Statistically, it is highly unlikely. However, it is possible. I don't know what I will do if I don't get an internship for the summer. I can always wait and apply again for the fall, including more hospitals that I previously did not consider. I wish I had applied to some California hospitals after all. There are a lot of great ones out here, and I love California. But there is also greater competition for those.

If I end up at any of the three hospitals, and receive a job offer at the end of it, I will probably take it. Of course, I will continue to apply to my dream hospital of St. Jude, but I need to take the offers when they come as they are so limited.
Well now that I am all checked in for my flights tomorrow, I am going back home to relax for a while. It's going to be a busy few weeks, especially since my dad is moving right when I come back here.
And I was mistaken; I will only be in 4 different airports tomorrow, instead of the 5 that I originally estimated.

I've decided that I anticipate things way too much and then get disappointed when things don't meet my expectations.... I remember that first week of college felt so surreal. Laura-Anne and I just kept talking about how it didn't really feel like we were in college. Like college was supposed to be this way and it wasn't after all.

When I transferred, I was so excited about going to a school quite a bit smaller than NIU. I had great expectations of how it was going to be.... In the end, I was disappointed because it did not meet my educational needs after all.

Looking for grad schools, visiting, and even buying my books for the semester was so exciting to me because it seemed like finally I was going to study what I wanted to do. I envisioned the classes beforehand and was so excited about the possibilities. I don't know if its because its the end of the semester and we are all worn out but it just feels like this wasn't what I expected at all.

Next semester, we are going to get our butts kicked in disease classes. We are so into "Leslie-mode" that some of us have stopped really trying. I lack even the motivation to complete my internship applications. I think we are going to have a rude awakening when we have to work really hard next semester.

I guess I am tired of being disappointed. Maybe I need to stop expecting so much. From situations and from people. When we went to Disneyland, I wasn't expecting to have as much fun as we did. And that turned out to be one of my favorite days all year long! So I am going to try to stop anticipating so much and just enjoy the experience, good or bad, as it comes.

And on a lighter note....

Seth: Dude, what do we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic, gambling-addicted kids with it. Is that wrong?

Sandy: Whose card did you put this on?
Seth: Please. The old man's.
Sandy: I love you, Son.
Seth: I love you too, Dad. Only not as much I love the Vegas.

Oh yes, gotta love The Vegas! In less than a week, Heather and I will be picking up Mom and Neal up from the airport and spending a few days enjoying The Vegas!

Rachel was a twelve when she had a lung transplant. At fifteen, she is in chronic rejection and living in a hospice facility. Death is inevitably arriving soon for her. Her life is filled with "lasts." When asked by her nurse, she says she would like to die there in the hospice facility with the people who know how to take care of her.

But then she says she has another way she would like to die... On her front porch, wrapped in an afghan, sitting in a rocking chair...with her husband holding her hand.

This girl was in a video we watched in class on Wednesday. Not a dry eye in the room.

Have you ever had a friend who is near and dear to your heart really hurt your feelings? Have you ever left someone messages only to never receive a response? Have you ever been hurt that they were spending time with other friends, but not taking the time to spend with you? And then that hurt is escalated by the knowledge that they are aware you are moving across the country but still take no steps to contact you back.

I wrote a letter to someone like this who I love dearly in class on Monday as part of an activity. I expressed my feelings of hurt and anger. After I wrote my letter to this person, I felt a lot better and not so angry anymore. I am sure they have their own reasons for the way things have turned out and the fact that they still have not contacted me.

But then I came home and changed my clothes and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That is how I have been in my relationship with God. I keep telling him I am going to "call" but then I don't. I make time for everyone else but not for Him. God has been leaving me all these messages but instead of calling Him right back, I erase the message and tell myself, "I'll get back to Him later." But then I don't. I just let it go until it seems I've forgot and don't care about Him. I cannot even imagine the hurt that He feels when His children's hearts are far from Him.

That's a really cheesy metaphor, but it just had a profound impact on me this week.

My life seems to be a perpetual list of goals and stages. I keep thinking, "When I get done with this point in my life, then I can finally do this." Even right now I just have a list of things to get through, both short and long term. Sometimes its just making it through the week that I focus on.

To some extent we must be forward-thinking. The future has to be considered when making major decisions. But I think I am spending far too much of my daily life living for tomorrow. I am tired of living like that. I want to take each day for itself, not how much closer it will get me to another time.

It is difficult to do that. Where do you begin? And what do you do with the monotony that you cannot escape? I guess you have to seek that internal motivation that will get you through the daily tasks not just for the sake of getting through them, but for the joy of having been able to do them.

Sometimes life can be like a treadmill. You travel the same ground over and over again, day in and day out, and the scenery never changes. The belt shuts down for barely a few hours of rest. You run for miles and miles, but at the end of the day, you are no farther along than when you started.

I feel like I'm on that treadmill and I'm stuck. I can't get off. I'm running as fast as I can, and its wearing me thin. It seems like everyone else around me is just zooming by in the opposite direction.... I'm stuck in the middle of a freeway in a lane that won't move while everyone else has gained free passes to the carpool lane.

No people, it doesn't always look like this. It's been a rainy past few days here which is really weird for this area. They rarely get rain. Let me just say, people here cannot drive in the rain. I really don't know what they'd do if they ever got snow!

The highlight of my week was getting home in a record setting 36 minutes. Most days it takes anwhere from an hour to two and a half hours. It's pretty bad when traffic has such an impact on your life. I am beyond ready to be done with these piddly part time jobs. I love being at the hospital, I really do. But I don't get paid for that yet. So then I have to come home and get ready to go to work just so I can pay the rent. I am ready to have a real job!

One day, I'll go to work in the morning and I'll come home in the evening. And that will be it. It sounds so simple, but it means so much to not have to worry about running off to class or another job.

I am beginning to feel very torn. Part of me is in love with the country. Haystacks and hills as far and as wide as the eye can see. But at the same time, I love the hustle and bustle here. I could see myself ending up anywhere in a year, and that is honestly scary.

Oh well, I guess right now I don't need to know. Otherwise I am sure God would see it fit to tell me. So I am just going to take everything one step, one day, one state at a time.