That is what it would have been like if I'd had a computer with me during my race today.  As it was, my near death dragged out over an agonizing ten miles that wasn't so much the Moon Pie 10-mile race as it was Climbing Mount Bell Buckle. 
The course was described as "rolling hills", which I thought meant gently rolling hills.  It turns out the people who wrote the course description would cheerfully use the words "rolling hills" to describe the Himalayas.  My goal before the race was to average lower than 7 minutes per mile.  I managed that feat for a grand total of zero of the miles, with my first mile being a 7:02 and all subsequent miles being slower.  I revised this goal during the race, first to averaging less than 7 and a half minutes per mile, then to not leaving my fetid corpse out on the course for the other runners to spit on as they passed.  I experienced slow, painful death for the entire second half of the race and finally finished in 1:16:35.  However, the day was not yet done.  I drank two Sun Drops and ate a sausage biscuit, a popsicle, and a chocolate chip cookie, making that by far my most unhealthy post-race meal ever, totally wiping out the previous record - a KFC bucket of pocorn chicken.  Furthermore, I finally got my Freecell win percentage up over 50%.  All in all, not a bad day.

XOxoXoOxXOxX

I went paintballing yesterday with my youth group and had a blast.  That's me in the title and Tim was my rental gun.  I named Tim after the wizard in Monty Python and the Holy Grail who blows things up and at one point turns a stick into a flamethrower for no apparent reason.  However, Tim caused much less destruction than I had anticipated, and the first few games ended with me getting shot without ever, technically, shooting anything other than random objects.  During about the fourth game (paintball related neck injuries prevented me from keeping count accurately), I got a wide open look at Courtney Walkup.  Being the chivalrous gentleman that I am, I hesitated for a full three nanoseconds before opening fire and scoring my first hit.  Tim wreaked some more havoc during a game where the players could regenerate, but unfortunately I mistook five of the best enemy players for persons on my team, resulting in a large amount of what can only be described as "pain".  Tim shortly thereafter ran out of ammunition, and I ended the game in disgrace.  Tim and I held our own and got a couple more hits, but nothing much of note happened until the last game.  The plan for the last game was to just play until we all ran out of paintballs.  Fortunately, Tim and I had recently stocked up, so I decided to go up in a tower and shoot like a maniac and forget about hiding since getting hit wouldn't put me out.  There were a lot of people in a building across from me on both stories, but I could see Courtney really well through the bottom right window.  I took a moment to reflect upon the fact that since her brother is an excellent paintball player and had been doing his best to shoot her as much as possible, and I had already shot her once, plus this was just a game to get rid of excess paintballs, so there was really no need for me to shoot her again.  Instead, I decided to try and cheer her up with my Rambo impression, during which I, totally accidentally, shot her twice.  Then I was on a roll and shot one of the snipers on the other roof while his shots whizzed harmlessly by me, just standing there.  I also shot Buck in the bottom left window, and he decided to remedy his poor position by moving a good fifteen feet back from the window opening.  This set the stage for Tim's finest hour.  I squared up, took careful aim, and shot just to the left of the window.  In order to be symmetric, I  placed my next shot just to the right of the window.  My third shot sailed straight through the center of the window, flew all the way back, and hit Buck square in the leg.  The beauty of that sight was at least three times that of the Sistine Chapel, and I firmly believe that if I had a video of that shot it would get placed in the Louvre Museum.  After that most everyone ran out of paintballs and Tim and I just reveled in the glory until the end.  You have probably guessed that since the last game was the only game in which getting shot would not have negatively affected me at all, it was also the only game in which I did not get shot.  But that's okay.  Unlike most sports legends, Tim and I retired at the top of our game.  We really are the greatest heroes in history.

I have decided to use my newly acquired funding to purchase a laptop.  I realized I needed one after noticing that in the various movie scenes where the enemy base must be infiltrated, the lovable, comic relief computer hacker never uses a desktop.  In Independence Day, I believe a laptop is actually used to take down the alien mothership.  I cannot think of even one example of a desktop computer performing so heroically.  I asked myself:  self, what if in the course of your religious studies at Belmont you were called to, for example, hack into Hell's computer system (of course Hell uses computers; what could cause more anguish than a hard drive crash?) to find out what Satan and his lackeys are up to?  The only answer I had to that question was that I must acquire a laptop.  The laptop must be Windows-compatible because Hell would naturally choose Windows as its operating system.  So, which laptop would be suited best to my plans?

Hunter is a big disappointment to his mother.

EDIT:  For those of you who weren't watching Phusebox just waiting for me to update during the appropriate half hour, Hunter got on my computer and posted under my name that I had an addiction to eating pantaloons, unfortunately misread as platoons.  Partially as retaliation and partially just because I didn't have anything interesting to post, I edited it to be about Hunter disappointing his mother.

I know you can't put a price on the love of your family, but it turns out that if you tried to estimate that with graduation gifts the amount would be:  a lot of money.  Quite apart from not being broke anymore, I can now afford that troupe of breakdancing lemurs I've wanted for so long.  In addition to suddenly becoming so wealthy that I plan to finance a panda smuggling operation (buy our stock, we're a sure bet to skyrocket), I also became one of the select few valedictorians to utilize a Johnny Cash quote in their speeches (with the voice imitation, too).  I passed the 2,487 hours that it took to hand out all the diplomas (1 graduation hour = 2,000 normal hours) yelling amusing comments at everyone walking across the stage since I was on the front row up there.  Brian betrayed the school the instant he received his diploma, and is probably plotting a hostile takeover as I type.  Alex Pilote got a new nickname - "ham salad" - which I did not hesitate to yell at him no less than three times.  I gave many post-graduation goodbyes and hugs, the most ironic being Dana (because we're mortal enemies) and Lana (because she is so tall I actually hugged her ankle).  I then rewarded my family for their extraordinary generosity by having Hunter over during the post-graduation party, where he was of course polite, quiet, and subdued (if you did not detect the lies in that sentence, either you don't know Hunter or your IQ is probably in the single digits).  Then my youth minister, David, swung by with his family, and I owned up with his son on Mario Kart (we went 1-0).  The lack of AP Physics and AP English is something too beautiful to put into words, but if anyone were to try to express this feeling, it would probably come out sounding a lot like "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles.

I haven't even graduated yet, and I've already got $125 of graduation present checks.  I can't cash them until I've written thank you notes, but it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside knowing that I can buy books and stuff again.  Maybe I'll finally buy that chainsaw so Dana and I can hold our epic duel.  Of course, surrender is not an option.

School is finally over.  There will be no more AP Physics with Mrs. Cathey.  There will be no more AP English with Mrs. Juergens.  The plague has lifted.  The time of desolation is no more.  In the words of Alice Cooper,

"No more pencils, no more books,

No more teachers' dirty looks."

He roller-coaster, he got early warning
He got muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say "One and one and one is three"
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see

I've seen quotes of the day, quotes of the week, and even a quote of the century, but I've never seen a quote of the fortnight.  This quote particularly applies over the next fortnight because it summarizes my attitude about tasks leading up to graduation:

"I love deadlines.  I love the whooshing sound they make as they go by." - Douglas Adams

The AP test for Statistics was terrible beyond all comprehension.  The multiple choice was pretty easy, but the free response was anthrax in math form.  In case you were wondering about the horrible screams of pain echoing across the land, they originiated from those of us unfortunate souls trying to answer questions asking for various paramaters and statistics that I'm pretty sure the exam writers just made up based on their favorite book characters names put into an anagram generator.  Imagine being trapped in a room by the sadistic dictator of some dirtball country with no concept of human rights and being given a sheet with football scores and the script to the musical Cats.  With this information you are commanded to calculate the probability of each of three sections of the roof falling on you within twenty minutes.  Of course, none of the information is remotely useful so you just hum Can't Buy Me Love to yourself for nineteen minutes and then hastily pick a section to stand under that you hope won't fall.  Right before you are crushed, you have just enough time to appreciate the irony in the fact that all three sections are falling.  That's what the test was like.

Prom was a blast.  I run half-marathons, and dancing that crazy still wore me out.  At Party After Prom, I won a FREAKIN' MICROWAVE!!!!

MIERDA SANTA!

Yay?

YAY!!!!!!!!

Just as she instructed, I will now put the first two lines to the first thirty songs that come up when I shuffle my iPod, and you guys can tell me the titles and artists.  Put the number of the song you are guessing as well.  I'll add the title and artist when you guess correctly.  (I'm being honest, too.  There will be no omissions of embarrassing songs.)  Also, on a few of these I have skipped some opening words because they are just stuck there to start off the song; they aren't actually part of the first verse.

1. "You think you've lost your love/well, I saw her yesterday" - She Loves You by the Beatles

2. "Take me down to the paradise city/where the grass is green and the girls are pretty" - Paradise City by Guns N' Roses

3. "And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know" - Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel

4. "Just about a year ago/I set out on the road" - Lodi by Creedence Clearwater Revival

5. "I'm gonna do all the things for you/a girl wants a man to do" - I'm Gonna Make You Love Me by the Supremes and the Temptations

6. "I - I love the colorful clothes she wears/and the way the sunlight plays upon her hair" - Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys

7. "Call me the breeze/I keep blowin' down the road" - Call Me the Breeze by Lynyrd Skynyrd

8. "Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace/Molly is the singer in a band" - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da by the Beatles

9. "Well, we were just another band outta Boston/on the road to try to make ends meet" - Rock n' Roll Band by Boston

10. "Finished with my woman/cause she couldn't help me with my mind" - Paranoid by Ozzy Osbourne

11. "All you women/who want a man of the street" - Shoot to Thrill by AC/DC

12. "Lady/when you're with me I'm smiling" - Lady by Styx

13. "Jesus is just alright with me/Jesus is just alright, whoa yeah" - Jesus is Just Alright by the Doobie Brothers

14. "Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'/into the future" - Fly Like an Eagle by the Steve Miller Band

15. "You say you want a revolution/well, you know, we all want to change the world" - Revolution by the Beatles

16. "I'll buy you a diamond ring, my friend/if it makes you feel alright" - Can't Buy Me Love by the Beatles

17. Every time that I look in the mirror/all these lines on my face getting clearer" - Dream On by Aerosmith

18. "Dum, dum, dum/honey, what have you done?" - Janie's Got a Gun by Aerosmith

19. "Cruised into a bar on the shore/her picture graced the grime on the door" - Dude Looks Like a Lady by Aerosmith

20. "Well, I won't back down/no, I won't back down" - I Won't Back Down by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

21. "Any way you want it/that's the way you need it" - Any Way You Want It by Journey

22. "There's something wrong with the world today/I don't know what it is" - Livin' on the Edge by Aerosmith

23. "Waiting for the break of day/searching for something to say" - 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago

24. "Something in the way she moves/attracts me like no other lover" - Something by the Beatles

25. "See the curtains/hangin' in the window" - Summer Breeze by Seals & Crofts

26. "Got those highway blues/can't you hear the motor running" - Rockin' Down the Highway by the Doobie Brothers

27. "Louie, Louie, oh no/me gotta go" - Louie Louie by the Kingsmen

28. "I've paid my dues/time after time" - We Are the Champions by Queen

29. "Clean shirt, new shoes/and I don't know where I am goin' to" - Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top

30. "Right about now/the funk soul brother" - Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim

That's it.  Good luck.  And don't cheat; no searching the lyrics on the net.  EDIT:  Just so you guys know, I don't consider looking at a CD, movie, iPod, or anything else you already own to be cheating.

Physics is actually coming to an end.  It was starting to feel like a life sentence in a French prison where torture is legal so they give you problems to solve with equations so horribly complicated that small children cry and woodland creatures flee in terror.  But we're not getting any more bookwork and I'm almost done with the modules.  I was so happy today I was humming to myself.  Now I can do pretty much whatever random task pops into my head.  If I want to create an elaborate song and dance routine involving no less than forty-seven trained monkeys solely to express how much I love jello, I can.  Conquering Estonia - why not?  I may even make up my own language spoken entirely by waving various types of pasta noodles.  Certainly I have already used enough of my newfound time on this post.

In the words of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:

"Nitwit!  Blubber!  Oddment!  Tweak!"

I was drowning in Canterbury Tales-related despair, but the foul fiend of a term paper has now been dispatched to its rightful abode in the netherworld.  There is much rejoicing!

I hereby declare unrestrained war against all term papers.  Those term papers with the Canterbury Tales as their subject shall surely meet their grisly demise first.