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i don't understand

November 09 2007

i don't understand when stuff like this happens

you are best friends (good friends, anyway) with someone and then one day they decide that you annoy them and that you are to be enemies, sworn to battle.  i don't like this.  people change and i don't understand that.  i've decided that change is my only enemy in life.  well, besides satan.  and evil...and etc...  but anyway, i have a lot of people i totally disagree with.

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totally off subject, but have you ever 'loved' someone and then one day it hits you:

the side you didn't know they had was the one you didn't want to see.  the one you didn't accept. 

i feel like that.  it's like i didn't know this person had a bad side, but i really did, i just didn't want to acknowledge it.  sorry..random.

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back to story.  i have lots of people i totally disagree with, now.  but i do not consider them enemies.  i just disagree with them (one STRONGLY).  i've had close friends to completely turn their lives around in the last little while...good and bad.  some i feel as if i've helped, some harmed.  but then i realize that i didn't make them change.  this is something they brought upon themselves.  back to the other random thing...maybe it's the same with yourself.  have you ever had someone tell you that you are different and you snap and say NO I'M NOT I HAVEN'T CHANGED WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BLAH BLAH BLAH?  well...maybe you do realize that you've changed but you don't want to accept that side of you.  this is not making much sense. 

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i've found that i am considered one of the guys amongst my friends.  deven says it, chandler says it, meatloaf says it, jake and jesse say it, winston, levi...etc.  wow.  well, at least i fit in.  i kinda enjoy being fun.  that's the real me and i'm not scared to act all crazy.  tonight i was really tired and deven asked me what was wrong and i said I'm tired.  he said, but where's the fun carmen, the sunday night carmen (long story) the REAL carmen!  this isn't you!  and it really made me think...you're right i am not a sad person.  i'm happy and cool!  yes.   i am.  woo.  see, on sunday nights we always go out to eat and there are never any girls to hang out with.  so, i eat and talk with the guys and it's FUN!  it's the highlight of my week.  haha for those of you that know my cousin courtney, deven tells me to be a carmen, not a boring courtney.  lol  he said that in front of her!  i felt kinda bad.  but oh well.

golly gee that's long