GOD QUITTING SMOKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!

I can't think or remember hardly anything. I have this constant craving in my head.  Somebody please help.......  Nicotine, please.........

Memories, regret, hope, and love.

"Give Me Novacaine" - Green Day

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says it's better than here,
I’ll tell you what

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine

Oh Novacaine

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine

"Whatsername" - Green Day

Thought I ran into you down on the street
Then it turned out to only be a dream
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been

Seems that she disappeared without a trace
Did she ever marry old what's his face?
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been

Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
From so long ago

(Go, Go, Go, Go..)

And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I'll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time.

[Part 4: Dearly beloved] - Jesus of Suburbia - by Green Day

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

"That's When I'll Stop Loving You" - 'N Sync

When winter comes in summer
When theres no more forever
Yeah, that's when I'll stop loving you

That's when I'll stop loving you
I'm sure you've heard these words before
And I know it's hard for you to trust them once more
You're afraid it all might end
And a broken heart is scared of breaking again
But you've gotta believe me
I'll never leave you
You'll never cry long as I am there
And I will always be there
You will never be without love

When winter comes in summer
When there's no more forever
When lies become the truth
Oh you know then baby,
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop loving you

That's when I'll stop loving you yeah

As long as sunlight lights the sky
Light of love will be found in these eyes of mine (these eyes of mine)
And I will shine that light for you
You're the only one, I'll ever give this heart to
What I'm trying to say is, nothing will change this (ahh..)
There'll be no time you won't find me there (find me there)
Cause I will always be there
You will always have all my love

When winter comes in summer
When there's no more forever (yeah)
When lies become the truth (ohhhh)
Well you know then baby,
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop loving you

That's when I'll stop loving you

And when this world doesn't turn anymore
When the stars all decide to stop shining
Til then I'm gonna to be by your side
Gonna be loving you forever
Every day of my life

Ohh..baby..

Well you know then baby
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop lovin'

That's when I'll stop loving you

When winter comes in summer
When there's no more forever
When lies become the truth (truth... yeah)
Well you know then baby,
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop loving you (ohh..)

When winter comes in summer (yeah)
When there's no more forever
When lies become the truth
That's when I'll stop loving (well you know then baby)
That's when I'll stop loving you

That's when I'll stop babe
I'll stop babe
Loving you

"This I Promise You" - 'N Sync

Ohh ohh...

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..

And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you

I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...

Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..
This I promise you..

Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...

And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby

Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you

Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...

Every song on here is one that has immense meaning to me.  I have memories and thoughts embedded in every word.  They make me cry and remember things that I will regret until I die.  I don't give a damn what people think about 'N Sync.  I like the music, no matter what else I listen to.  I always have and always will.  I will always remember the people I associated with these songs.  April, Karen, Trish, and Lindsey.  Love never fades, it just changes form.

Hello, Hello,

Been a while since I have updated anything.  Just been working and getting read for college.  I start in January and alread know what fraternity I am going to rush.  A. T. O.  It's gonna be fun as all hell.  I just had an interesting experience driving my friends back from Franklin.  It's on the hush-hush, but let's go with the word "traumatized" for now.  I have now seen everything that the comic world has to offer.  An Incredible Hulk #1, a Daredevil #1, X-Men #1, and the first appearnce of Thor all walked into the store this week.  I was amazed.  I am still on the look-out for the first appearance of Hal Jordan, since I own Kyle Rayner's first appearance.  Well enough nerd talk.  Time for bed.  Au Revoir.

~Jonathan

So we have internet at work now.  It's pretty interesting now.  It pretty much pays for itself.  I love my job.  It's amazing that I am getting paid to do the things I did at home for free.  My co-workers are awesome and my boss is like the father I never had.  A lot has happened since I had the chance to update last.  Too much to list tonight.  I just know that I am finally happy and moved away from my dark, depressing past.  No more suicidal thoughts, no more trying to hurt myself, no more blaming my problems on others, no more caring if I'm single.  I feel free.  I feel like I can fly and never be tethered again.  My wings unbound.......

Hello hello.  I hijacked a friend's laptop to update for the first time in a long time.  Janael went back to portland and left me here alone.  So I started hanging out with my card-playing friends again.  They introduced me to a new card game, VS.  it's like Magic with superheros.  I got my money from the hail damage in Apil and went and bought a bunch of cards.  I am building a Batman deck and a deck around my favorite superhero of all-time, Green Lantern.  Me, Eric, Sammy, and Blake (the owner of this laptop) all went to the Bellvue mall and hung out at Next Level Games.  I bough everything for my decks.  Eric is becoming my best friend again and making me wonder why we ever stopped hanging out.  I still don' have a woman in my life, but that's all right.  If it happens it'll happen.  I love the new A.F.I. song, Ms. Murder.  And I bought Nickelback's new cd.  "Saving Me" makes me cry, I am man enough to admit it.  I still have about 300 dollars left to blow.  Oh and I congratulate all of the 2006 graduates.  Even the ones who don't like me.  Too bad, I still wish ya'll the best of luck.  Hope everything goes good for everyone I know.  God Bless.

                     ~Jon "The Omen" Allmon

"Far Away" - Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

"Miss Murder" - A.F.I.

Hey Miss Murder can I?
Hey Miss Murder can I?
Make beauty stay if I,
take my life?

whoa-oh-ohh

With just a look they shook
And heavens bowed before him.
Simply a look can break your heart.
The stars that pierce the sky;
He left them all behind.
We’re left to wonder why
He left us all behind.

Hey Miss Murder can I?
Hey Miss Murder can I?
Make beauty stay if I,
take my life?
whoa-oh-ohh
(ohh)

Dreams of his crash won’t pass
Or how they all adored him.
Beauty will last when spiraled down.
The stars that mystify
He left them all behind.
And how his children cry
He left us all behind.

Hey Miss Murder can I?
Hey Miss Murder can I?
Make beauty stay if I,
take my life?
whoa-oh-ohh

What's the hook, the twist
within this verbose mystery?
I would gladly bet my life upon it.
That the ghost you love, your ray of light
Will fizzle out without hope.
When the empty sand just flowing through our empty skin,
Ever searching for what we were promised.
Reaching for the golden ring we never let go,
Who would ever let us put our filthy hands upon it.

Hey Miss Murder can I?
Hey Miss Murder can I?
Make beauty stay if I,
take my life?
whoa-oh-ohh

Hey Miss Murder can I?
Hey Miss Murder can I?
Make beauty stay if I,
take my life?
whoa-oh-ohh

I can finally update. I am using my friend Tashina's computer. I have been hanging out with a few MTSU students lately. I'm glad I met them. They are so much more mature than the other people I used to hang out with. I got my NO2 kits in the other day but have yet to have time to put them on. I had to move my car to a buddy of mine's shop to appease my neighbors. They were complaining about the noise of the engine. Nothing much has been going on of late. I found the J.T.H.M. shirt I have craved for years and completed the Invader Zim dvd collection. I bought Kingdom Hearts 2 and am almost done with it. It's slightly annoying at times but overall a great game. I have been weaning myself off of caring for a relationship. I have just been hanging out, not giving a damn about most things. It is a great existence. A hell of a lot less stress. I wish all my friends the best of luck with graduation soon and hope they succeed in life, whereever it may take them.

Wow, so much has happened. I am no longer at Oakland. I am building a custom street racer from the ground up. I sleep in every day but am still so tired. I can't get enough sleep. I have finally rid myself of the craving for a female companion. It feels great to have that burden lifted from my shoulders. I am free.....

"We don't rebel to sell, it just suits us well."

"Haters call me bitch
Call me faggot call me whitey
But I am something that you'll never be"

"You drained my heart
And made a spade"

Well, another day.  At least I'm alive, that's something to be grateful for.  I never did get those cookies.  I was all emotional for that 5.6 seconds.  I really need to cut my hair and I really need some suggestions for how it needs to be cut.  I'm a guy, I have no idea about style or hair.  I have just been letting grow for over a year.  So any feedback on the subject will be greatfully appreciated.

I'm gonna sleep well into next week.  Then I'm gonna eat some cookies.  I really want some cookies.

"Night Drive"

I know you
so better than the city in the rear view
I drive to
eliminate the ball that I'm chained to

Take me break me
every mile further there's a part of me that slips away
One day you'll see
Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay

Drive all night
Never gonna get me
Night by night
To get away from it all
Fight fight fight
All you wanna do is hurt me
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night

I'll stay strong
I'm pushing on the pedal till I break dawn
So I'm gone, go find another shoulder you can cry on

Take me break me
every mile further there's a part of me that slips away
One day you'll see
Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay

Drive all night
Never gonna get me
Night by night
To get away from it all
Fight fight fight
All you wanna do is hurt me
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night

All of the things that you knew that I'd try
All of the things that I held inside
All I gotta do is drive

Drive all night
Never gonna get me
Night by night
To get away from it all
Fight fight fight
All you wanna do is hurt me
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
you wrecked my life
so I'm gonna have to drive all night

I have a new phone. 

Call me at 713-9272 after 6 sometimes.

"Imagine" - A Perfect Circle

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

(Imagine all the people sharing all the world)

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

I have been stuck here before.  At a moment where I don't know what to do or who to turn to.  We were discussing suicide in psychology yesterday and I just wanted to get up and walk out of the class.  No one in there knows what it's like to be at that low of a point where death is tha only possible solution.  They have no idea what they are talking about.

I'm set on becoming a better person.  I want to change my faults.  I want to become a person that everyone loves to be around.  That everyone loves.  I'm tired of hate.  I'm tired of loneliness.  I want love.  Just love.

I will change.....

I won't be on here or any other blog site anymore.  This shit is so childish.  Took me awhile to realize it but now I see.

The Sacrament

I hear you breathe so far from here
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
Its glory lies beyond judgement of souls
The commandments are of consolation and warmth

You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctury tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

I hear you weep so far from here
I taste your tears like you're next to me
And I know
My weak prayers are not enough to heal
The ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear

You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctury tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you

You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctury tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctury tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

I sat out in the snow this morning.  I just let the wondrous white flecks swirl around me and whisper their secrets.  It is beautiful.  You can hear the voices of angels in the rush of the wind.  I think I am losing my grip on reality.  And I don't seem to mind.  It casting a soft glow on this world that I never saw before.  I'm falling in love with little things around me.  All hate and anger leaves me when I step back and gaze at everything.  If this is what insanity is, then I don't want to be sane.  This is just to good to leave.

I love downtown at night.  It's so quiet and peaceful.  The soft lights playing upon the windows.  Walking through the hedges at the library.  Then I went down into the parking garage.  The harsh fluorescent lights casting orange glows upon everything.  It honestly felt like hell.  I couldn't stop thinking about it all the way home.

Last night at work I realized that Krystals' falls apart if I'm not there to coordinate things.  I know more things than most managers there.  That's kind of sad.  In two ways.  One that they are so inept.  And two, that I know so much.  I better get promoted soon.

Valentine's Day was like every other one that has come along.  Another normal day.  I didn't care.  I am going to put off dating for awhile.  It just hurts.  I want to focus on my writing anyway.

I went and bought a ton of candy from Wal-Mart earlier.  I'm gonna gorge.  I just hope that I don't have a latent form of diabetes.

I hope everyone has a great three-day weekend.  I'm going to be sleeping through most of it.  I'm so tired lately.

P.S.  I'm getting a new cell phone next Tuesday, but for know call me at home.  849-9201.

Love will be waiting for me....
I just have to be patient.....
I will find the love I want.....
I will be happy.....
The waiting will be worth it.....

Well, I am going to just ignore it.  It's another day.  Even though I get to go to the Bon Jovi concert tonight.  That's going to rock.  I am making cards for a few people.  They will be much better than any I can buy.  I can never find a card that expresses everything I'm trying to say.  I love you all.  I hope you have a Happy Valentine's Day.

Why does everyone assume I'm being depressed?  Can I not wonder about love?  It was what I was writing about at the moment and let it slip into a post.  I'm not sad.  I'm not depressed.  I actually feel the best I have in a long time.  I'm just looking for love.  Jen said something last night that officially blew my mind.  "There is no perfect fairytale love.  You have to find love then turn it into your personal fairytale."  I was amazed at the wisdom in those words.  I feel stupid for not having realized it before.  I will say one thing though.  My emotions are in sort of a giant blender at the moment.  So I think I'm about to metaphorically shut them off and let my heart and mind get a rest.  I'm not ready for a relationship yet.  I need some down time and let it all wash away.  I'm going to start anew.  Love can wait.  My sanity cannot.

I spent last night in a hotel room on Old Fort Parkway.  I spent the night watching movies and writing.  I am finally writing seriously again.  I have a purple notebook that I am filling up.  I'm desensitized at the moment.  I have shut off my emotional center.  It a required task at the moment.  I watched Donnie Darko last night and was inspired to write for a few hours.  I hate when I get like that, a feeling where I have to write my thoughts down or I'll explode.  It's not a pleasant feeling.  I might end up going to the mall later but I don't know.  There is nothing ever there to interest me.  I might just peruse at Hastings looking for something to keep my interest for a few hours.  I want love dammit.  I want the kind of love that suffuses all of your cells and makes you feel so freaking good.  I want to be in awe of the feelings I hold for the other person.  I want to be inspired to write and draw things that would never have come otherwise.  I want an otherwordly warmth to comfort me and guide me when I'm with this person.  I want to feel as though angels are breathing upon me when I look at her.  I want to feel my heart explode again and again when I hear her name.  Is it possible for that sort of love to exist in this day and age?  If so is it conceivable for me to stumble into it?  Should I hold out hope?  I will, until proof slaps me down into the depths of despair.

Well I have off tonight and plan to use it to my advantage.  I hope it goes alright.  I don't really feel any different now that I'm 18.  I just feel a sense of responsibility and maturity being pressed upon me.  I intend to fulfill that.  I'm tired of being considered a jerk and an asshole.  I may not pull it off completely but at least be able to improve myself a little.  I hope.

I'm really sorry about yesterday.  I wasbeing a whiney little emo bitch.  I am over that and will try to never go back to that again.  Today is my birthday, YAY!!!!.  I'M LEGAL.  I bought some movies the other night after work.  I got Donnie Darko, Corpse Bride, Invader Zim Vol. 2, Constantine, and Fritz the Cat.  I haven't even gotten to watch them yet because of work.  I am gonna have fun tomorrow night, no matter what happens.  It will be great.  I am glad we got two extra hours outta school this morning, I actually got to catch up on my sleep.  If my grandmother gets me that bass I asked for then I'm going to give away my old one to the first person who asks for it.  I won't need it.  So if you see me, wish me Happy Birthday.

I'm done.  I'm through with worrying.  I am going to take Christina's advice and just forget about it.  I will have fun by myself.  If that's what it takes.  She doesn't want to talk to me, fine.  I'm ok with it.  She can do what she wishes.  I just wish I hadn't given my heart so freely.

I hate being here.  I can't stop thinking about it over and over.  I am thinking about canceling my plans for my birthday.  It really has no meaning to me now.  I thought things were different.  But oh well.  That's life and it sucks most of the time.

I am really upset with myself.  I feel like I'm becoming too clingy.  I feel as though I'm smothering Jen and we're not even dating.  It has to stop.  I am going to stop.  No matter what.  I don't want to freak her out and ruin any chance I might have with her.  Though I don't know how much of a chance that might be.

Everything just got messed up at Krystal with Lee quitting.  He was the 3rd shift manager.  And now all the other managers have to compensate for his departure.  I am going to see if I can get a promotion out of all this confusion.  Maybe.... 

I'm really sorry for the things I've done to everyone.  I can't help but be reminded of it constantly when I'm alone.  I'm sorry, Jen.  I really want you to like me and I'm fucking it all up.  I will fix it.

P.S.  I really like this song.  It comes on the radio at work alot.

"Geek In The Pink" - Jason Mraz

[Record scratching sounds]
[Rapper] Yo, brother A to Z
[Mraz] Yo, whassup B?
[Rapper] Yo, what time is it?
[Mraz] Haha it's laundry day

Well, let the geek in the pink take a stab at it
If you like the way I'm thinkin' baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I'm fat fulla rhymes
Pass me the mic and I'm a grab at it
Well, isn't it delicious, crazy way that I'm kissin'
'Cause baby listen to this, don't wanna miss it while it's hittin'
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don't ever quit cause soon I'm gonna let you in but see

I don't care what she might think about me
You can vibe without me if you want
I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge me by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Like the geek in the pink
Like the geek in the pink, pink, pink
The geek in the pink, yeah

Well this relationship fodder don't mean to bother nobody
But Cupid's automatic musta fired multiple shots at her
Because she fall in love too often that's what the matter
At least I talk about it keep a pattern of flattery and
She was starin' through the doorframe
Eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
Well she can get her toys outta the drawer then
Cause I ain't comin' home I don't need that attention, see

I don't care what she might think about me
You'll get by without me if she wants
I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be the let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Hey baby look at me go
From zero to hero
You better take it from a geek like me
I can save you from unoriginal dum-dums
Who wouldn't care if you com...plete him or not

So what I've got a short attention span
A coke in my hand
Because I'd rather have the afternoon, relax and understand
My hip hop and flip-flops it don't stop with the light rock
A shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I'm
Developing a language and I'm callin' it my own
So take a peek into the speaker and you'll see what I mean
That on the other side the grass is greener

I don't care what she might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you/her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be the let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out/on
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away

Like the geek in the pink
Well, I'm the geek in the pink, yo pink pink
Geek is the color for fall, I'm the geek in the pink yeah
So I'm the geek yo, in the pink yo.
Hahah, y'all geek is the new color for fall
I'm the geek in the pink

Well my work week is finally over.  I'm completely worn out from it all.  I've been going through a range of emotions lately and don't know exactly which ones to trust.  I've fallen in love with a girl but have no idea if it is returned.  I'm angry at the entire school for bothering me.  I'm a little worried about my birthday next week.  I'm upset cause I can't get a damn thing done.  I guess I'm just going to have to work this out.  My birthday is next Thursday for anybody that really cares.  I'm gonna be 18 and what a happy day. (Actually the happy day will be Friday cause I get to spend it all night with Jen).  I wrote a poem last night at work.  It is really a rough draft but I'm gonna put it anyway.

Though we are a world apart,
I want you to know you own my heart,
I never knew what happiness could be,
I can only wish that you love me.

Let's lay in a field and watch the stars go by,
If I'm with you my soul soars through the sky,
Holding you close and not letting go,
I just hope our love has a chance to unfold.