I'm not dead yet...

February 09 2007

Although I sure feel like it.  Working all the time, not getting paid a whole lot, and always working when my friends and Marissa aren't in work or school...  Not to mention obviously not getting my assistant manager position just yet, and my hand's been scratched up to hell thanks to this stupid piece of crap tower display I was building at work...  And there's the computer of mine that worked marvelously for 2 1/2 years and goes up and dies, just in time for my house to get wired with Comcast.  And my car needs a new timing belt.  And I don't have Thursdays off to go play the WoW TCG I've sunk a bunch of money into at Grand Adventures.  And when I do have a chance to play WoW on Marissa's computer, no one's ever on and way higher level than me.

...I'm sure that I can come up with some other stuff that bothers, annoys, and/or angers me if I wanted to sit down and think about it.  Oh, yeah, there's the tax refund I haven't gotten yet that I could most certainly use.  Gosh...

Normally, I wouldn't mind all this stuff bogging me down.  The main issue, though, is that I can't really find anything good happening to counter-balance it all.  I normally carry a burden of thoughts, issues, and whatnot, but usually don't care about it since there's usually something in my life that keeps me going.  But here lately...it's just been a draining experience, and I find myself desiring to go back in time to my senior year of high school, the time I had to do most anything I wanted and enjoyed everything I did.

I imagine something will get me back on my feet again; there usually is.  It's just a matter of waiting and/or grasping it.

Has it really been that long since I said anything here?

December 19 2006

Well, apparently it has.  Apparently, for the past several months I've just been kinda-keeping an eye on things with people on here and nothing else.  It seems like I made a post not that long ago, but apparently I'm wrong.  Oh well.

Anywho, lessee...  Well, in case you all haven't figured it out by now, I'm not in college anymore.  I just kinda decided that I really don't care about college right now at all.  There's nothing really worth goin' back for to me at this point.  As long as I make it to at least assistant manager at EB/Gamestop in the next year or so, I'll be good to go.  For right now, I'm stuck at home payin' all my bills now that I don't haveta worry about college, mainly car insurance and cell phone, and eventually internet, if Comcast would hurry the heck up and get my parents' house some friggin' cable.  We want their services, but they refuse to give them to us.  Or at least it seems that way.  ...Oh well.

Now that we've covered what's been goin' on between August and some of November...  I'm now the proud owner of a Nintendo Wii, thanks to my parents getting me the thing as a birthday present.  The only thing not-so-great about it right now is the selection of old-school games to download.  Otherwise, I recommend anyone to get one, 'cause they are the hotness.  It most definitely proves that graphics play one of many roles in what can make a game great.  Eat that, you stupid "mainstream" gamers that care nothing about how a game plays, only that it looks good!

Of course, I can't lie, I'm getting an Xbox 360 as well.  Sure, it looks great, but they've now finally come out with games that are worth something.  Dead Rising proves that having better hardware can make a difference in a game's potential.  The game requires the technical power of the 360, simply because it has so many zombies to keep track of.  I can't wait to play it.  And Oblivion is also cool.  Gears of War is great and all, I just can't get into it nearly as much as you "mainstream" gamers that listen to G4 as if it was the voice of God telling you about videogames.

Well, anyways, I guess I need to end my break and get back to work.  Take it easy, everyone; gimme a call if you wanna get together and check out the Wii.

This message brought to you by this fine advertiser...

August 10 2006
...I thought I'd take a moment to say that my inner thighs near my crotch are chaffing like a champ, and I'd like nothing more than to die right now, it hurts so much.


August 08 2006

It's not even 9am yet, and I'm already on the internet.  And not playing Guild Wars for once.

I can't say I have much to say about what's going on, other than how I wonder my parents will feel about me not going back to school.  I'll probably get kicked out of the house.  I don't know.

My mind is at a complete blank at the moment.  It's as if a giant cloud came out of the sky to become fog, just to annoy me.

Well, anywho.  I guess I'll go back to doing other things.  Yay for random Six Flags trip tomorrow!

Farewell MTSU, Hello to my New Life

August 03 2006

For a kick-arse piece of music, .

Well, it is now official: I'm not going back to MTSU for the Fall semester.  I went and dropped all my classes the other night.  And y'know what?  I feel somewhat glad about that.  Of course, I'm sure many of you reading this are probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  Well, to be honest, for the first time in my life, nothing.  Nothing is wrong with me.

I've come to the ultimate conclusion that college basically gives you nigh-guaranteed financial stability in a job that some, if not, many people could care less about.  It's all about money in many peoples' minds, that's what it comes down to.  Well, I feel that a man isn't judged by the amount of stuff he has but is instead judged by the goodness of his self.

When it comes down to it, I feel obligated to remind people that life isn't simply about working your ass off for money you shouldn't care so much about.  There's more to it than that.  There's the element of fun that I think so many people forget about; we forget to take the time out of life to enjoy what is there.

I feel that's basically what I've been doing for the past several years of my life.  Then I met Marissa.  Ever since I've gotten into this relationship, I've come to realize more about life than I could ever hope to have realized on my own.

And so, I think for the first time in my life, I've finally got an idea of what I truly want to do with my life: remind people to have fun.  What better way to do so than to work for a game store.

I'm at least movin' up the chain to a position I could feel comfortable being in, in terms of a balance between money and fun; I'm now the "part-time manager" at the EB outside the mall here in town.  Once I become a normal manager, life will be sweet for me.

I will kinda miss college, though, I will say, for the times shared with people when not in class (or even in class in some cases).  Whether just chattin' it up or doin' somethin' cool...  It was good times for all.  Days spent talkin' to Graham/Amy/Anna about whatever, or making a demo of an RPG with Cameron as a class project, or even the times of philosophy class with Ed, Chad and Cameron...  They were good times, and I will miss them.  At least, of course, you're all still here, so I can try to have good times with you all at some point.

Of course, keep in mind that overall, I really find nothing wrong with college.  I just don't care about havin' a ton of money, which, if I kept up my studies, is what I would've had.  It's always good to learn, and if it gets you a job you deeply, truly desire to have, then all the more power to you.  I've just come to the conclusion that there's nothing for me there.

...It's times like these that I really realize the times of our lives that are truly our greatest are already behind us: the times before graduating from high school.  Children don't have to worry about any of the crap that will be faced later in life.  They get to explore the world, live with little worry of anything.  They're as close to being truly free as possible in today's society.  If only I could've embraced that freedom moreso...

Anywho, it's really friggin' late right now, so I'm off.  I mean this with the utmost seriousness: find the inner child and go have some fun.

...A much-needed activity?

July 08 2006

Y'know, while I've been on vacation here, I've really come to the conclusion that mind and body really are one in so many ways.  The times when I've been just sittin' around doin' nothing, I felt like a big pile of poo, always wanting to take naps, be completely anti-social/emo/angst-y/whatever.  But, like today, when the times are spent doing stuff physically, whether it be something as simple as walking a lot or playin' a sport in a ghetto fashion, I feel so much better.

So, the moral of the story, kids, for those of you who haven't heard me preach it before: Exercise is the way to make you feel better no matter what, so long as you don't over-exert yourself, of course.

And now, with the parents' house hopefully fixed up for good, I can resume my DDR playing.  Finally.

So, I'm thinkin' sometime next week when I'm back, get some people together to play some DDR, maybe play some other games/video games/hangout/whatever...  Yeah, that'd be good times for all.

So anyone interested in doin' that, leave a message here or call me with your availability (this most definitely means you need to come, Anna, so we can do somethin' more than pokin' each other on Facebook...:P ).

...Random tangent, but it's somethin' I just thought about...  It almost seems as though the idea of the afterlife from the Mormon perspective is a combination of a crazy bureaucracy and Dante's Inferno, given the description I heard my cousins discuss, that group of cousins all being Mormons and one bein' a missionary.

An update every two months probably isn't worth the effort...

July 07 2006

Well, let's see.  Where to begin?  So much, yet so little.

The first thing on my mind is the crazy EB/Gamestop conspiracy to remove my assistant manager.  For awhile, there were a few clues as to what was goin' on, but as time went on, it became more obvious that he was to be fired.  Why, you ask?  Because he previously worked for Gamestop and left on bad terms, that's why.  Nevermind the fact that he has worked hard to become a better employee for the company, worked harder than I thought possible for him for that job, to be honest.

And nigh-immediately after the fact, a new guy is found before I could even think about interviewing with the district manager for the job.  And when I say a new guy, I mean a guy that has never worked at an EB or Gamestop ever before.  And they wanted this guy to be the new assistant manager.  Who is this guy?  The district manager's next-door neighbor.

...Need I say anymore about that situation?  Must I really have to type how all that makes me feel?  Okay, good.

So, yeah, I'll probably have to find a second job, so that I can move out and have a place of my own.  I haven't started looking yet, partly because I'm in Ohio on vacation with the family for a couple of days.  Good trip so far, but I haven't been able to sleep well at all the past couple of nights, partly because my family works on a different time schedule than I do; I primarily like to be awake for the night, whereas my family likes to be awake for the morning and afternoon.  Darn the family for not following the gamer's schedule.

Lessee...what else...?

Ah, yes, I saw The Notebook the other day.  I must say, for falling under the category of "chick flick", it's really a good one.

Watching that movie really made me question my relationship with Marissa.  Like, the fire present in the characters' relationship in the movie was very similar to ours at one point in time.  But now, the romanticism has faded, and I can't help but want to blame myself for that.

A bit about that last point...  It gets to a point where you almost have to choose between being with friends and being with the girlfriend/fiancee/loved one.  At least, it sure feels that way.  Here lately, I've been wanting to spend a lot of time with my friends, especially Cameron here lately, playin' video games and watchin' anime, y'know, just hangin' out because we can.  And, because of it, Marissa and I have seemed to kinda become a little apart.  I still love her, don't get me wrong, it's just that I now realize that there's a balancing factor to be found.

And plus, had it not been for Marissa entering my life ever, I probably would've already moved out of the house and into Seattle with my long-time friends.  It's somethin' they're talkin' about doin' now, it's somethin' that I'd like to do, but it's somethin' I can't do because of Marissa and the bonds we have to each other.

So, yeah, life's been pretty messed up for me here lately.  I've been thinking so much about philisophical crap here lately.  I've come to some understandings that I can't really talk about to others.

Well, there is some stuff, like realizing, upon hearing my family members talking about other family members, just how much I am a little bit of nearly all my family.  I have some traits of one member, some of another, a dash here and there...  It's rather an odd feeling, feeling like I'm so many people before me rolled into one.

What else is there?  Hmm...  Well, there is that feeling of why-the-hell-do-I-even-exist within me for so many reasons, ranging from my battles with cancer as an infant to my feelings of uselessness.  As lame as this sounds, I've really just come to the conclusion that I live for Marissa; if it weren't for Marissa, I really wouldn't have much to live for.

I've also come to the conclusion that I was really meant to live in another past time period.  As much as I like video games, I'd give it all up to be in the times of the past, before the dawning of guns, in the times of the samurai.  I think that is the life I was meant to live, but here I am, in a completely different time.  A time with people thinking nothing about the world around them at all, a time where power is placed within little toys called nukes and not the strength of the people, a time that any man can kill another man in a war regardless of skill, a time that war is becoming more and more of an automatic engagement and is fought with little to no real purpose or cause...  A time of apathy and gIuttony, that is the time I live in.  I won't deny the fact that I have fallen into the mindset of those ideas to a certain extent.

...I just want a simple life: no "job" to worry about, other than protecting the people of my country, like a samurai; well, at least the way they were portrayed in The Last Samurai (as odd as it may sound to you, I did nearly end up crying in the last scene of that movie the first time I saw it).  But I can't have that.  Instead, I must dedicate my time to a useless cause in the name of more money for the company I work for, leaving little time for the truly human part of existance.

...Sorry, random tangent, but something I saw on the news earlier today about a Tennessee church making that custom-made Statue of Liberty.  Yeah.  I must say, I can't run with that.  I hope not to upset those that think it's cool, but remember who we are.  We are the United States, we are a land of religious freedom, and having a symbol like that is totally and completely hypocritical of that religious freedom.  Now, don't get wrong, I didn't mind the whole Ten Commandments-being-posted issue before, since, honestly, they're not bad rules to live by for the most part; it would be even better if they had other religion-related items/documents of interest posted as well, but it's still okay with me regardless.  But this Statue of Liberty thing...  I don't like it one bit.  If it were up to me, I'd call it treason and go with that, but I don't make such decisions.  Besides, all the great nations of past eventually had serious issues when they become "unireligious", like the Roman Empire and all the nations of that time.  So, let's not have history repeat itself, okay?

And the whole North Korea thing?  Yeah, the leader of North Korea's probably just a little on the crazy side.  Honestly, if we're so worried, how about we forget about the Iraq "war" and just go beat the crap outta them?

...Another random tangent, but if it weren't for the way war is fought and what it is we fight for, I'd probably be with the military to be honest.  We feel it necessary to police the world for whatever reason and end up on these ghetto skirmishes with random countries.  Let's be honest.  This whole thing with Iraq.  That ain't war, by any means.  Well, not a "real" war; it's the US saying "Hey we beat Iraq without going into full-scale war, yay.".  It's a bit of a silly game more than a war, especially when we're throwing shit-fits over 2 people dying in some silly thing; that's nothing for war. 2 casualties is less than pocket change in war; let's not forget the wars of past that have yielded several thousand troops dead over a relatively short period of time.  I really don't think this country has what it takes to be in a state of complete and total war.  If North Korea did shoot a missile into US territory, there's no telling how that would end up.  People would just have a shit-fit and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I guess that's enough to talk about for now to cover the bridge between the last entry and this one.

Well, peoples, if you're ever up for doin' something, let me know by phone preferably.  Take it easy, everyone.

...Well, now what?

May 22 2006

...2.945.  2.945.  That is the GPA I now have.  Dropped ever so slightly below the line...  Thus, the question, "Now what?"

My parents aren't gonna pay the $1500 the HOPE gave me before.  And if I don't go back to college, they'll more than likely kick me outta the house.  But, I don't exactly have $1500 to go to college, so yeah.  Don't expect to see me back at MTSU.  'Cause, damn, I don't wanna have student loans to pay off.  I'm gonna end up havin' to help pay off Marissa's as it is.

So, it looks like I'm gonna haveta find a new job/another job to ensure that I have enough money to live on my own.  I may also haveta find some other friends in need of a place to stay, so we can tackle rent no problem.

Will this mean that I'm gonna be a college drop-out?  Probably.  Do I care?  Not really.

...Maybe it'll be good to move out.  Heh, I may end up with feasible space to put all of my game systems and stuff...  I can not haveta worry about school and work combining forces to bog me down and make me want to commit suicide (And, yes, that kind of feeling has happened before).  I can work, play games, be with Marissa, and develop myself...figure out the kind of person I want to be, not worrying about whether or not I did last night's homework.

...This's my story, and it's time I figure out the plot.

Forget the last entry...

May 09 2006

...Because I now have a better answer than "Bleah." as to why I've been acting "odd" lately.  I just kind of sat down and started typing this thing in Notepad, and I now see that this's what I've been meaning to say for the past looooong time...

"...I've never been good at telling the truth when it comes to myself.  You all probably think of me as an optimistic, cheerful, good guy.  It is true that I try to be these...but only when I deem it necessary.  When do I deem it necessary?  Basically anytime I'm around other people is a necessary time.  Why do I say this?  Well, I figured it's about time I come clean.

I've always wanted to do something grand for society, be a hero figure of some sort, and I still do.  I've always felt the desire, or perhaps need, to save someone or something.  But, we live in a society where heroes, and also villains, cannot rise from the river of life.  They are instead stuck in the flow of that river, never able to go against it or get out of it.  Obviously, villains are detained by means of police and/or military force, no problem. 

Heroes, though, they're not so obvious to the typical person as to why they cannot rise; the reasons lay within the system of things.  For example, at work two weeks ago, the manager of the EB store outside the mall went on vacation, and I basically took on the role of manager to a certain extent.  This was a week that was to be spent working on a total rearrangement of the EB stores in all shapes, fashions, and forms.  I figured I had to get things done since I took on the role of baby manager, and as such, volunteered a lot of my time to get things done.  No one is "allowed" to be worked more than 40 hours in a week there at EB/Gamestop, since they don't want to pay off for more money than they have to; I did, though, and had my hours adjusted to fit into the 40 hour groove of things.  I did it because I didn't care; my job was to see to things that they got done; I came in and volunteered during my "offtime" to get things done.  Come to find out from the assistant manager, if the upper-ups ever found out about me volunteering my time, I'd be fired.  For doing the store/company a favor, I'd get fired.  What the heck is up with that?  If it weren't for me comin' in and doin' all of that, it probably wouldn't have gotten completely done in time.  They'd fire me because of what I thought would be a nice act.  Their way of doing things would have "heroes" shot down quickly.

Heroes cannot simply defeat "villains"; that's up to the police.  If some Joe-Schmoe took care of some criminal, he wouldn't "get away" with it; the police/"justice" system will probably have something to say about it.

I cannot simply volunteer my time to do any kind of volunteer "job".  Why?  Because the system we live in requires that we must have money in order to live.  Without money, we cannot buy food.  Without food, we perish.  I can't volunteer because I want to; I have to "work" for some silly company to further their desire for money.  And even then, if I work for this company and give what money I "can" give away, I still couldn't give as much as I wanted to.  I'd have to retain a good chunk of it to survive.  And I also couldn't only help people if their miseries were somehow related to money.  I can't spawn money out of thin air.  I can't just simply say, "St. Judes should have all the money they'd ever need to get the research they need to do," and have it happen.  Heck, St. Judes can't simply care for the people they want to care for and do all the research they want to do...because of money.  Because of "the economy".

Do I think we live in a world where heroes cannot rise?  Yes.  Can villains arise?  No.  Both sides are quickly dealt with in this system we live in. 

Here in America, all most people want to do is to live.  They don't want to cause trouble...and in the end, they don't do anything to contribute to the human race; they may want to, and that's fine and dandy, but they usually won't act upon it if they do think about it.  The lowly citizen, the "drop-out" stereotype, making barely enough money to live...he couldn't do anything to contribute to the human race; he's too busy being worked to death for a meager living.  He could desire with all his heart to do something, but he is chained to the system that slaves him in exchange for living, for if that chain were to be destroyed, he'd eventually perish.  Then, on the other hand, we have the affluent, those that have all the possibility to do something good for the human race with all that money sitting around.  But will they?  Probably not.  And if they do, they do it to be recognized.

Me?  I want to be a hero.  I want to contribute something great to society.  I don't want to be recognized for my work; if I do, so be it, but I'd rather it not happen.  I don't ask for much out of life; I really don't care too much what happens to me.  I want the human race to prosper, nothing else really matters.

...I was at one point in time destined to die, before I could think coherently, before I could speak, before I could do much of anything.  I was to die before I "knew" I was alive.  I was supposed to die 18 years ago of neuroblastoma, yet I still exist.  All these years of living really weren't supposed to be mine; but they ended up being so.  I was diagnosed with what's basically the deadliest of childhood cancers, but I am now "alive and well".  Why?  Why am I still alive?

...Before I go farther, does this mean I'm going to kill myself?  No, of course not.  So, those that fear that this whole thing has been written as a last thing before suicide, this's far from the case...

...Anyways, continuing from where I left off, why am I still alive?  I've asked myself this question so many times since I came upon this realization of mine.  And, quite honestly, I feel like I must do something.  What this something is, I have no freakin' clue.

...I can only imagine that this's why I've taken a liking to video games.  In games such as the Final Fantasies, especially 6, 7, 9, and 10, you play through them to save the world from destruction (or history repeating itself needlessly in the case of 10).  You end up being the hero because you don't have the worries, the complexities, and nuisances that those in the real world must put up with.  I can "be" the hero I want to be within these games.

This is why I am basically depressed with things.  I desire more than anything to be a hero, but I feel like I cannot be a hero in these times, not to mention that I have no idea what it is that I should do anyways.  I feel hopeless...

...And so, all I've been able to do for people is to put on this charade.  My charade of happiness and contentness with life...  I do what I can to instill people with hope and "power" to overcome their obstacles and to enjoy life by always being optimistic around others.  And it is with this that I sometimes even fall for my own charade and find "happiness" for myself.  Regardless of what thoughts weigh me down, I always do what I can to cheer people up and make them happy, so that they do not suffer the same depression as I do.  It's really all I've been able to do with my life so far.  Even if following through with this charade leads me to further despair, I don't care; such is why I never cared about what grades I got in school, after I started thinking like this anyway, and instead spent time with those I cared about rather than making A's.  Heck, all a bunch of A's do is get you money in the bitter end, right?

That last bit was most definitely the story of this semester that just ended with me.  Instead of doing homework I "should" have been doing, I was online playing World of Warcraft to be with my friends in spirit and do what I could to make playing the game enjoyable for all that were with me.  Instead of going to Japanese to take my oral exam, I stayed with Marissa to make sure she would be okay.  Instead of going to other classes, I didn't so that I could be with friends.

My friends are always more important to me than anything else, especially school.  I'd rather flunk school and be a college drop-out so that I could be with you all and help you all out in life than keep to myself to do my homework to get the grades to get the stupid job to get the moneys.  I owe you all so much for making my life seem better, it's the least I could do to serve you all.  My friends, you are the reason I've kept on going, the reason I haven't lost hope in all things, and the reason I won't quit searching for what it is I must do for society.  I will always be there for you all; all you must do is call upon me for help and I will give you as much help as possible.

I am a servant of the human race, and I will do what it takes to enliven it.  I just need to find how I can do so."

That was what I wrote instead of going to work today (called in and said I wasn't feeling well, which, really is a true statement).  And, really I do mean what I say about you, my friends, even those that don't care to read this.  You all have been there for me in some shape, fashion, or form to keep me from giving up completely and totally.  You all deserve great big huge hugs, pats on the back, whatever it is you think of as a sign of accomplishment. 

...My immediate family thinks of helping in life in terms of money.  They never really did help to define my character, they just threw money at me, thinkin' that just because money goes my way meant that I'll be the perfect little model U.S. citizen they want me to be...the very ideal that I cannot live. 

The other members of my family aren't so much like that, especially my grandfather in Kentucky, who's more focused and "violent" and stubborn than me in similar thoughts and ideals the more I think about it.  They're more idealistic, particularly the elders that have passed away in my family, such as my mother's mom and father's dad.  They, looking back, have really helped define me.

...But hey, I imagine you all have a life to live and have had enough of reading for now, huh?

So, keep it real, thanks again, and I'll see you all later.


April 25 2006

Well then.  So I'm sure I'm failing at least two classes this semester, if not three.

Why is this, you ask?  Why is this happening?  Because, I'm tired.  I'm tired of writing papers, memorizing stuff I may never see or use again, spending most of my time (typically 12 hours or more a day, everyday) not at home but instead being in class or work...  I'm tired of collage.  I'm just plain tired of it.  I want to do more with it, but by the same token, I don't care about it anymore.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that going through college gets you more money and less time to enjoy life.  So what if you're makin' $60,000+ a year?  Whoopty-woop.  Fantastic.  You don't have time to live a life outside of that, do ya?  You spend your money on eating lunch at work, groceries, car bills, house bills, and random stuff.  You can't spend time doin' other stuff.  Hell, you don't have time for your children because you work and work.  In MMORPG lingo, cg m8.

...The more I think about it, the more I want to avoid that fate.  I don't care that much about money.  I just want enough to live "comfortably".  I want to have a good, fair amount of spare time I can spend with my children when the time comes; I don't want to simply abandon them to school, pop culture, and whatever crap the country feeds our children these days.  I want to enjoy life, not simply live it like so many "professionally"-hired Americans do these days.  It's an empty experience, one of a constant, never-ending cycle of boredom.  I don't want to work 40+ hours a week, only to come home and go "Bleah..." and sleep, and keep doing that over and over again.  Quite frankly, fuck that.

I want to experience the town I live in, visit the world, partake in so much more than just video games (the only things I have time for in these hectic times of constant work and school alternation), go volunteer working, go do something so much more meaningful than stupid busy work that's, much of the time, too heavily rewarded.

...Collage is getting me nowhere fast towards that life.  At the very least, it sure seems like it.

I'm tired of existing and so desperately want to start living...

...And as a side note, this whole abortion/anti-abortion stuff outside the KUC is just pissing me off.  Ultimately, when it comes down to it, you must take a little bit of both sides, not purely one or the other.  Mediation is the best route.  Abortion is okay, under very certain circumstances.  But if 18-year-old college-bound-girl-dumbass gets bored and wants to have sex and ends up getting pregnant, then you're on your own, stupid girl.  Cry more newb!  You shoulda thought about that before saying "Yes, screw me please!"  Take some responsibility, people, gawd.

...If they're set up tomorrow, it'll eventually reach a climax and pointless riots will ensue.  And, y'know what?  I'm just gonna laugh on the sidelines.

Some particulars I'd like to try to work with...

March 28 2006

...So, now that I have this idea for this establishment...  It's time to kinda write out the overall points/aspirations of this place:

***The Shop***
-New and used video games will be sold and traded; price-matching (on both selling and buying) will be accepted, so long as you have proof of some sort.  All games and systems of all sorts will be accepted, so long as they prove to be in good, working order.
-Video Game paraphenalia, such as t-shirts, action figures, posters, any kind of collectible item involving video games will also be sold here.  Trading and bartering of said goods is also welcome.
-If we have a used copy of a game you're lookin' for, you can try it out at the store for a short while.
-At least 10% of all profit from the shop will go to a different charity each month.

***The Arcade***
-Several of the newest and/or best arcade machines around will be featured.
-Many ticket-giving games will be featured; "real" prizes (i.e., good toys, discounts at the store or cafe, etc.), more tokens, or giving to a charity of your choice with each ticket having a certain amount for the store to donate as choices for ticket redemption.
-At least 10% of all profits will go to a different charity each month.

***The Cafe***
-Reasonably-priced food and drink available, and definitely not just soda.
-The cafe will have wi-fi support for Nintendo DS, PSP, laptops, and other machines implementing wireless internet usage, usage that'll most definitely be free.
-At least 10% of all profits will go to a different charity each month.

***The Events***
-Tournaments of all sorts will be held; sponsors are welcome to support.  Prizes will be given based on the amount of people signing up; much of the entry fees will go to the charity of the month.
-Video game talent contests will be held: show us the most impressive thing you can do in a video game!  Again, much of entry will go to the charity of the month.
-Visitation of St. Judes: help bring fun and good times to the children of St. Judes!

***The Name***
...I really don't know yet, to be honest.  I'm definitely open for suggestions in this department.

Any comments or suggestions will be greatly considered and appreciated; this post will be updated as suggestions/different ideas come up.

The New Direction...and Hopefully the Last One I'll Take...

March 27 2006

Have you ever had one of those times in the shower when you're sittin' there washin' your hair and you come across this great epiffany that'll seemingly end all the problems in your life or in the world or both?

Well, I did.

I started thinkin' about how I get annoyed with the corporate setting of EB Games/Gamestop and thought, "Damn, how nice it'd be if we didn't have to go through so much crap to get things done the way they want it to be done."  They want us to push 8 gazillion different things in the course of 1 minute.  "That game doesn't come out for awhile...you can pre-order it!" or "I can put a one-year protection on that game for (x amount of dollars)." or "Bring in your old games to trade in!" or "Hey, you have our discount card?" or "You know you wanna get the strategy guide..." or "I got a used copy of this game for less..." or "Yeah, this'll be a game to consider getting (even if it's the worst game ever, advertising apparently pays)"...  The list of crap we go through goes on and on and on...  It would be nice, for once, if I didn't have to worry a moment on any of that stuff, so I could just talk to people, find for them what they want, help them with any questions/concerns/problems they have...  I want to help people, not be a pre-programmed jerk made to push as much crap onto them as quickly as possible...

So I got to thinkin'...how do I get around all of that crap?  Start up my own store.  Get some good, generally-knowledgable people to work with me, carry everything we possibly can (that's worthwhile at least), and just help people get the games they'll want to play and enjoy.

And, from there, I started thinkin', "Man, I freakin' hate the media for making it out to seem that everyone that has ever played a game, even something like Pac-Man, should be shot and burn in hell for all eternity."  So what can I do to overcome that "image"?

Support the community.  Support charities.  Have video-game-related events that'll end up somehow benefitting these. 

What kind of events?  Tournaments. 

What tournaments to have?  I dunno, some stuff out of an arcade.

How do I get access to an arcade?  Make my own.

And, so, my dream was suddenly constructed while I stood there rinsing the shampoo out of my hair.  The first video game...place...that does what it can to help out people in whatever ways possible.

The only problem left is figuring out how to get all of it to work...  I gotta make enough money to live and pay my employees...and raise as much money as I can for these different charities and funds and whatnot.

I'm now tryin' to figure out which charities I should donate to.  First and foremost, St. Judes.  I really do like what they're doin' and would like to help them out in anyway I can.

Secondly, American Cancer Society.  Hell, I'm alive because of the organization, per se; they saw it fit to put my name on a memorial of all the cancer survivors (at the very least out of my hometown)...  I really do have a vendetta against cancer I'd like to wage.

From there...  I dunno.  Perhaps the main Multiple Sclerosis fund...or the fund regarding Myleodisplasia...  I definitely want to donate to area schools, too.

It just feels so right...  It seems like it could work.  I would like nothing more than to see this establishment take form and start helping others as soon as possible.

...And so, I must change my major to enterpreneurship.  Forget about computer science, it does only so much.  Forget about chemistry, there are others that are much more qualified and motivated than I am about it.  I will find a way to have video games bring people together and help fight a common foe.

Please, if anyone is interested in helping with this establishment, I would be more than honored to have whatever assistance I can get, even if it's as little as pledging your participation in the events this establishment will offer.

A Further Realization of the Self...

March 22 2006

I got to thinking earlier today about things...

...I came to the conclusion that I somewhat treat life as if it were a video game console.  As totally stupid as that sounds, I think it's a rather appropriate description of it.

I've thought about all the things I'd like to do...  I'd like to be an astronaut, an architect, a roller coaster designer, an EB Games/Gamestop store manager, an arcade owner, a game designer, a chemist, a secret agent, a police officer, an archaeologist, or a teacher...  In terms of hobbies, I'd like to play video games, learn many martial arts, create and/or play music, mess with LEGOs, watch and make movies, a collectible card game player, exercise, play DDR...  I'm sure there's many more I can't think of at the moment to put in both lists.  I want to be able to do all kinds of things, experience the world from any point of view that I can, make friends with all...

...But I can't.  It's not like I could simply put in a different game and change what I play for awhile, then switch to something else after I get done with that.  That's what I want to do.  I want to see/hear/do it all.  But I can't.  I can't switch from Katamari Damacy to Time Crisis 3...  I can't switch from teaching or policing, and I especially can't do both at the same time.  I have to choose...

Choosing a career is like choosing one, and only one, game to play for the rest of your life.  Or at least that's how it feels to me.  I can't simply choose one game to play for the rest of my life!  There's different genres, different stories, different systems...  Katamari's fun, but only for so long; Devil May Cry 3 is awesome, but I like a good ol' RPG to play; RPG's are only so entertaining, so I switch to God of War, and then to Mario after that, and then to Beatmania after that...then I might go back to Katamari when all's said and done, and the cycle begins.

Even, to a certain extent, my friends are the same way.  I have different groups of friends, all of which I enjoy being with, all of which I want to do stuff with all the time.  But, I know that some of my friends can be somewhat "incompatible" with each other.  My assistant manager, Donald...  I really enjoy goin' to his place and playin' games and perhaps even having a drink or two; he's a good guy.  But some of my other friends would be highly uncomfortable being around him, I know...

I can't be with all my friends at the same time; it just couldn't happen.  So many different backgrounds, different philosophies, different everythings...  And so, I end up having to switch between them all like different video games...

I guess, in the bitter end, video games really have shaped me in ways I normally wouldn't realize.

...You know what they say about red mages: they're a jack of all trades...but they can't do any one particular thing very well.

...And in America, specialization and focus on one and only one thing is what's desired.  Perhaps that is why I'm having a difficult time with everything...

(EDIT: www.sloganizer.net for the win.)


March 21 2006

I really don't know why I'm typing in here.  It's midnight, Marissa's asleep, and I don't feel like playin' WoW.

...I really don't know what to do with my life.  So many possibilities, yet none...so many different ways to live that are offered here in America, none of which will put me down in the annals of history...  I think my playing of RPG's has really made me...epic, in a sense.  I want music in the background that matches my mood exactly, no matter what it is I do; I want to fight for a cause I believe in; I want to triumph over the impossible...

...And, yet, I want to veg out and do nothing...  It's really an internal struggle I face.  I want to save the world, yet at the same time, I want to just sit around and live out my life.  I want to accomplish everything I could ever dream of, yet I want to get nothing done.

I want to live actively, yet I desire to live passively...

"I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

---"Breaking the Habit", Linkin Park, Meteora

...Can I find the way of breaking the habit, the habit of indesiciveness?  Two different lives to live...unfortunately, they cannot coexist within...

...Okay, I guess I'll go home now.

Art and Science...

February 20 2006

As I walked off from Tai Chi class to come to the computer lab to type while Marissa has fun at swing club, I walked around and I wondered...  Why is it that I can accomplish DDR like a champ, whereas real dancing is probably my bane?  So, I walked and wondered...what are the differences between them?

In DDR, you move your feet around in a given fashion at a given pace.  It's there, black and white, you make the step or you don't make the step, with only a few varying degrees of accuracy present.  In typical dancing, however, it's a little different.  The feet are involved, but so are the hands.  More to handle, that's all the difference, right?  Not quite.  The real difference lies with how it is done.  In DDR, you are basically told how to step and you react accordingly.  In typical, social dancing...you make it up, every step of the way.  Sure you have several different given moves, but it is up to you to put them together and make them work.  There's basically a limitless amount of ways to execute a dance.

So, then I got to thinking...about my strengths.  My strengths lay in mathematics and science, fields that are basically governed by measurable, quantifiable ideas.  I'm a human computer, in a sense: a computer with sentience and intelligence.  There are no random events in such fields; everything happens for a reason.

So, that's probably why I'm into DDR; it's a measurable experience that'll tell me if I'm doing it right or wrong.  That's probably also why I'm so horrible at normal dancing; it's not governed by right or wrong, it's just there.  It all just happens.  My mindset doesn't allow for me to be random and pick dance moves to execute at will.  I'm too much like a computer.

...So, I went into what was open of the art building this time of night to just kinda waltz around and look at art.  They had some sculptures up made from string and wire.  They're pretty neat-lookin'--but I cannot comprehend what they are, why they are the way they are, any significant meaning...  It's baffling to me.  I could go all day about how long the individual strings are, and I could (with a little review) tell you what curves are present and their slopes and formulas and whatnot; I couldn't tell you what it is other than a sculpture...  I couldn't say what intrinsic value lies within it.  I couldn't tell you why they made it into what they did and not some other way.  It is unexplainable.

...Am I limiting my human existance because I cannot comprehend things happening because they can?  Will I ever amount to anything more than a mere computer?  I really don't know...

Heroes and Villains...

February 13 2006

A random tangental thought process went through my head today.  Heroes and villains seem to be very detached from society in that they typically don't partake in many, if any, of the typical things those in society partake in.  Not to mention that many cases, their only reason to live is to help or hinder others...most cases, they really don't care what happens to them, so long as they do what want, whether it's help or hinder.

There's a lot more that goes into that thought process; I don't have what I wrote out on paper near me at the moment.  Oh well.

Anyways, thought I'd get the point across that I'm not dead, just not typically making posts...  I'll probably go into more detail about that whole business later on.  In the meantime, take it easy.

Because everyone's doin' it...

February 08 2006

Introduce yourself in one bold, honest paragraph:
My name is Chris Davis, a name that's entirely too used, to say the least.  I'm 20 years old, and am in my second year of college.  My major?  Hell if I know at this point.  My goal in life?  See my previous answer.  My pant size is 34x32.  My t-shirt size is a large.  I'm 5'9.5" in height and currently weigh about 190 pounds (mmm, thickness!).  My shoe size is 11.  My GPA's about 3.27, I think.  I play video games, especially enjoying Dance Dance Revolution and World of Warcraft, not to mention the "old school" stuff.  I constantly deal with the internal issue of finding my place in life and do what I can to help others that come to me.  I'm probably by all means one that should be diagnosed with clinical depression, but I always do what I can to keep it from showing, since I've been told that depression "spreads" much more easily than happiness, and, speaking from personal experience, I don't want anyone to suffer alongside me.

Tell me what people think about you.
What do they think of me?  What am I, a mind reader?!  Golly...  If I were a mind reader, I probably would have a much more interesting life, to say the least! 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My lack of initiative.

Have you ever felt at home with someone?
Yes.  Marissa.  99.9999% chance of being married.  Need I say more?

Describe your appearance.
...Hey, I already this this, except say that my hair's brown and my eyes can change from blue to gray to even slightly green.  So, nyah.

Biggest revelation to date?
Two of them.  One, a recently-acquired one, is that basically, white middle class people seek to rule the world, very generally speaking; this has been based off everything presented to me in my US History class thus far.  Two, industrialism is very much a double-edged sword, for while it may bring economic power, it also brings with it a sense of hopelessness and boredom with life, not to mention that, at least in the US, it's a large factor in fueling racism.

Biggest issue weighing you down?
A lot of things, but mainly purpose.

Theme song?
...There are entirely too many pieces of music that I could all equally consider to be my theme song.  But, overall, I'd probably haveta say the piece called "You're Not Alone" from Final Fantasy 9; on the soundtrack, it's on the 4th disc, track 9, and in the game, it plays when Zidane goes crazy in Pandemonium.  This piece has really touched me, oddly enough; at times, it brings my depression to the surface, and others, it brings out the determination deeply hidden within.

Give me some final parting advice.
I may not know the answers to the universe, or how to live the kind of life that gets you into heaven, and I consider myself far from being wise, but I have a deep feeling that having love in your life is vital to having a good and enjoyable life and that a little love can go a long way.

Road...what road...?

January 31 2006

The road of life I'm supposed to walk...is very much gone from me, if it was ever there to begin with.

...Sitting through history class made me realize something.  What is it I speak of?  Our lives have become quite trivial.  I would say useless, but I'm sure there's something there.  I mean, we don't care about making the world a better place anymore, do we?  We're more interested in going on diets to make ourselves thinner than we are about helping children become better people.  We're more worried about how many people we can score with than we are about what we can do to end needless violence. 

Hell, I even go so far as to say that we're more worried about getting into a good place in the afterlife than we are paving the path to such a place; we don't care how we get there, we care about getting there.  Or at least that's the impression some give me, those of the praying-all-the-time-gets-me-into-heaven type.  Bear in mind, I don't deem Christianity bad by any means, there are just some people that don't uphold what it stands for and thus really shouldn't even be considered a part of it.

Do I apply what I say to my own life?  You bet.  I play World of Warcraft and other video games and spend my time with Marissa.  Other than that and studying, I don't do much of anything else.  I don't stand for a cause that I believe makes the world a better place, I don't go and help people in need...  I keep to myself, and I do what I can to better my position status-wise and financially.  Why?  Because in order to live in this society, you have to constantly do things for yourself if you want to eat, go places, and buy your child a Christmas present they deserve.

It's difficult to explain to you what I feel is wrong in America and our modernized society, other than only money talks and doesn't talk to humanitarian efforts.  Well, that, and people...hmm...how could I put it...don't care.  I care for Marissa, my family, my friends...but I don't exactly care about the rest of the world...

...It really is difficult to find the words to even begin to convey how I feel right now...  I suppose another way of saying it is, quite simply, life is boring.  Life is boring.  Yeah, I suppose it is a sort of way of saying things...  I really do find life as we know it to be somewhat boring.  We simply exist.  No one cares about doing something that'll be a page of history for everyone to look on, I daresay good or bad.  We live out our lives, we work at a job, we get married, we have kids, we retire, we die.  Does history care about this sort of life?  Is this the kind of stuff people will read about in books and whatnot and say, "Wow?"  Hell no.  So many people live lives like this that it's most definitely not noteworthy in the annals of human civilization.

Will people do anything about this?  Probably not.  I'd be lucky to find someone upon reading this to not call me crazy and say, "Oh, he's got a point," and go back to what they're doing.

...I'll be honest and say I really don't know what can be done about it.  I want people to be motivated, but I couldn't begin to tell you what to do to change things.  I suppose, really, that's something you'll have to decide upon for yourself.

...All I know is that society has become stagnant and pointless.  Perhaps sometime I'll figure this out...

...So, what does this huge long-ass talk have to do with me?  Well, everything, really.  It's an incarnation of how I feel to some degree.  I really haven't the foggiest idea on what I want to do with my life, partly because so many paths are so pointless.  There isn't much of anything that I could get out of college that could make life not so pointless in this view.

I guess, from a nerdy way of saying things, is that I don't want to be just some random NPC.  I want to be the hero, I want to do something I feel is right that will lead to hopefully make the world better, I don't want to just be like, "Oh, well, the inn in town is over there."

And until I find that something I must do...my life will be for naught, frivilous, and dull.

If I'm making a post, I'm stalling on homework...

January 25 2006

Yes, a true statement.

Why?  Well, quite honestly, I'm tired of it.  It really sucks that I'm now beginning to find out that programming isn't my cup of tea.  The main problem with this is that...well, I can't exactly change my major and be able to get out of there in 4 years.  Heck, at this point, I really wouldn't know what to consider changing into.  I'm beginning to think about altogether dropping the one class that's gonna give me the most problem for the time being.  Heck, I almost wonder if I should even bother with college.

...Y'know, all I really want to do is enjoy spending time with everyone, doing what I need to do to get by, raise a child that would ultimately become a better person than I could ever hope to be...  Outside of that...  What is there?

I suppose I want to help people.  I want to help people live better lives.  And, really, would sitting in front of a computer inside an office inside a huge building help people live better lives?  I really don't think so; all I'd end up doing is pissing someone off with my lame and flawed code.

...I don't know.  All I know is that coding is simply becoming a pain in the ass and I'm far from the best at it.  Do I simply give up and go for something different and maybe just minor in computer science simply because I have most of the classes I would need to minor in it?  I'm beginning to think that more and more.

...The main problem is that I really don't know what to do with myself if I do go that route.  I want to free myself from this torture, but I have nowhere to turn as of right now.

...I think it's time to go ahead and drop one of the two computer sciences courses I'm taking.  If I at least drop the one, I should be able to focus in my studies of other classes much better than I would be taking it.  Besides, 18 hours is an asston of stuff.  That's probably a part of why I'm so pissed with this class.  But, hey, if I drop it for the time being, it'll make me feel a lot better about it.  Then I take some other random computer science course next semester to round out a minor in computer science...then major in something that doesn't involve asstons of coding.

...Perhaps it's time to go have a look at what there is to do...

College: Your Tax Dollars on Butt-Sex

January 23 2006

...Okay, so the title doesn't have much relation to the post, but it was amusing to reach that conclusion at lunch today.

...I find myself wondering again what I want to do with my life.  One thing's for sure: I've never been sure about this before.  There's so much and yet nothing to do with my life.  Life nowadays is dull.  Problem-free, but dull.  Following a career based on my major would land me in front of a computer screen all day, 5 days a week.  Following many careers based around college would put be somewhere, doing little, 5 days a week.

It really is rather odd to think of things this way, but...  Y'know, I've been playing a lot of World of Warcraft lately.  I've been sitting here, clicking on things, figuring how to best kill things, pushing buttons and whatnot...  If I were to get a programming job, I'd sit in front of a screen and push buttons and figure out how to make the computer do what I want it to do.  From a completely non-contextual standpoint, the two activities are basically the same.  ...So shouldn't I get paid to play World of Warcraft...?

And another thing: MTSU.  I love it, and yet I hate it.  It's a good school.  The problem?  Anyone can get in, including pre-med stupid students that don't know mammals from lizards and think "lizard" is spelled "lizzurd".  Ridiculous.  Just plain ridiculous.  You really have to wonder how people like this get in to college; this's basically something that should've been covered in a 6th grade half-page report for cryin' out loud.

...I want to help people, but at times I just...wanna shoot someone.

Oh, and spinners.  Yeah.  They're retarded.  Useless and retarded.  Especially in inclement weather conditions; when that spinner's spinning, I don't know if your wheels are spinning and I should panic and get the hell way from you before you completely lose control or if your spinners are goin'...  Ghargh.

...Anyways, I guess I need to go home and sleep.

Take it easy, everyone.