Journal entry dated December 12, 2004:


Forbidden love is the most passionate.


"I had a dream the other night...it was very unprecedented. It was about one girl, a very beautiful girl...One night, quite late, I find myself running for my life from people I can't identify. Through an abandonded warehouse I sprint, frantically looking for an escape. A set of double doors are ahead, the kind that have a distinct look of leading into a commercialized kitchen. I burst through the doors, and appear to have temporarily confused those hunting me. As I look around to gain my bearings, I see her, standing for no apparent reason in front of an old freezer. This girl, through unwritten but understood rules, had been theoretically forbidden to me. I stop running from-- and worrying about-- the people chasing me. I slowly walk up to her, admiring her beauty. I then hold her tight, very tight. As if letting go would symbolize discovery by those attempting to find me. Not a hint of air passes between our bodies, yet it was not in any way sexual in nature. Then, unexpectedly, I lean in and kiss her. Not a long drawn out kiss, but not a superficial peck either. It was a simple kiss, but it had so much meaning and hidden desire wrapped into it. I pull back, though, and I step back and I tell her that it can't work, that we can't be together. I continue saying, "They (referring to people she knows) won't approve of this and they won't let it happen." She simply responds, "Don't worry about them, this (gesturing to "us") is more important. I will handle it..." and we proceed with one more short but amazing kiss and a short hug, and then the memory is gone, ending quickly.

That dream gave me an amazing feeling. I want it to happen. But she doesn't know, and she probably never will....

But it felt incredible."