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*sigh* I don't know what to do or how to feel, because everything is so different this time around. I just want to sit in a dark room and think, but that's not been working so well.

I'm fed up with high school and its superficialness. It's so redundant and pointless. All conflicts are entirely shallow. We are all trying so hard to find ourselves that we lose view of what we are really looking for. It's like we get so obbsessed with searching that discovering ourselves is irrelevant. Or maybe I'm just a pessimist.

I'm ready for summer. Who's with me?

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Apolo Ohno WON THE GOLD MEDAL! I am so freaking happy!! EEK! The winter Oylmpics were completely sucking because Michelle Kwan had to opt out, but that just made it all better. Alright, and that's all of my Oylmpic talk now since I'm sure most of you are sick of it.

ACT's were today, and they were just about exciting as usual. I don't think I'll get the 34 I wanted, but hopefully at least a 30..sigh..although I honestly don't think that's happening.

So the other day I was thinking about my idealism that always gets in the way and somehow manages to screw everything up. At the same time it embodied everything I am or want to be. It's just so paradoxial in that frustrating kind of way.

I feel like I'm surrounded by people (if you think it's you then it's probably not) that hold me back. It seems like I have become the scapegoat for everything because people know if they blame me for something I'll get say sorry. It's a vivous circle that we've created, and it doesn't ever seem to get any better. Venting only does so much, but starting something is like self destructing yourself.

I don't know what I want any more.

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Whenever New Years comes I get all nostalgic. And I start to look back on the entire year, which isn't always a good thing. So here's a list of some of what I did or didn't do this past year.

*somehow managed to not die in school
*got carried away with the wrong guy
*got the first lead in a play
*realized that acting is what I love more than anything and finding out that I'm not entirely sucky at it
*being in AIDA, one of the most amazing shows ever
*trying my luck at singing solo, and it not going so well
*writing and directing a play with my friends- which was stressfully awesome
*going to Canada and seeing Modest Mouse in Toronto
*seeing AJ
*coming to terms with the loss of innocence
*failing into a bad situation with boy
*having an awesome time doing a Monty Python Show
*finding out that some people aren't worth it
*but also realizing how insanely cool all of your friends are
*kicking ass in soccer, but missing the school team, I regret quitting
*attempting to sing solo and not totally fucking it up
*understanding that some wishes aren't meant to come true, because even better ones are on their way
*finding out whats worth it
*realizing that I actually do fit in with my family

So my goal of this year is to stop sitting back and waiting for good things to come to me.  And maybe actually stop being a pansy and suck it up and take a risk every now and then.

Happy New Years everyone!

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Yeah, so I got my license finally a couple weeks ago. Since then I\'ve become my brother\'s full time driver, which is cool since my little brother is like freaking amazing. He always wants to go to Hastings, and then he always decides to buy me chocolate. Isn\'t that cute?

So I made mid-state, even though I totally fucked up my auditions, like total shit. But hey the choir gods were smiling on me for the first time ever.

Friday I went and attempted to play pool with Mark. It got so bad that he started knocking in the balls for me and there were times when I made the balls bounce..ick, that sounds so wrong. Yeah so I\'m perverted so what? Anyways after that he dropped me off in front of Cathy\'s car and we went to go see this crazy mentalist. It was so amazingly awesome.

I went to Tech to see everyone, made me think about college. About how much I want to get out of high school and be independent, but at the same time, pretty freaked out by the responsibility and choices. It\'s  probably because at times I can be so indecisive. But hey it was nice to see James and Jacob, who crack me up. Then I had a nice sleep on the way home.

Then me, Chaps, and Erin drove to Kroger at 1 in the morning because we wanted lemon juice for sugar shots. It was so empty and weird. The people you run into..

And so now I\'m sitting, typing this while Erin is making me into a superhero, America\'s Next Top Model Style, which isn\'t exactly turning out quite as awesome. Because contrary to them, I can\'t look gorgeous with 5 pounds of crazy colored make up on my face.

Sounds like fun, eh?

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