I did what???

Ok ... so I made a complete ass out of myself in front of Aaron Gillespie!!!

I was at Warped Tour last Saturday ... the most amazing day of my life so far!!!

Me and some of my friends were waiting for a band to finish so we could go get good spots for Paramore ... we sat down in the shade to cool off cuz I'm not joking ... it was hotter than hell out there!!! We're sitting down and we look over and see this huge line of people and we're like ... who's signing??? Zach goes OMG I swear thats UnderOATH!!! We jump up and go running over to the line ... this is who I came to see and really wanted to meet ... we listened to their CD all the way to Dallas and I was determined to meet UnderOATH ... we get to the back of the line when all of the sudden the guy with the end of the line sign gets RIGHT IN FRONT OF US ... I'm friggin pissed ... we were right there ... BUT NO!!!

So we run over to in front of the stage they were signing on to take pictures ... cuz I mean hello??? UnderOATH is less than 5 feet away from us ... I've got to have some sort of proof of this!!! I get right in front of Aaron ... which may I add ... I'm completely in love with ... I'm stading there staring right at him not looking away with I'm sure the stupidest look on my face ... he keeps looking at me ... but I juz keep on staring and taking millions of pictures!!! My friend Zach says to Tim I 'heart' you!!! Tim says it back to him ... I look at Zach I look at Tim I look at Aaron ... Aaron looks at me and I go ... "I ... ... ... ... ... ... ... heart ... ... .. YOU!!!" Aaron gives me this totally creeped out look which I dont blame him ... if you could have heard how I was talking and seen how I was acting you would have done the same thing ... it was like I was a freak stalker ... I couldnt get my words out and he knew it!!!

Oh man ... so if I ever see Aaron again I wonder if he'll remember me as the weird girl that wants him ... but at least he looked at me right???

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Bittersweet endings ♥

Well ... its been a while!!!

Lets see whats happened ...

I am now 18 ... woohoo legal baby!!!
I met a boy ... a new boy ... and I like him ... A LOT!!! But ... of course things are complicated ... why would this time be any different???
Things with some friends have gone downhill ...
Home life is ok ... cant complain but cant get over excited

Well ... I'm sitting in debate class right now ... for the last time EVER!!!
Its kinda sad ... but not ... I mean I'm so ready to get out of high school ... I'm done with all the drama I'm tired and ready for bigger and better things ... but I'm scared ... scared that I wont ever see some of these people ever again ... these people that I've grown up with for the past 8 years ... even though I dont talk to everyone that I used to ... it was still nice to see their face everyday ... now that we dont have to come to school everday ... never in this school again ... I wont see them all the time!!! And its sad!!!

Tomorrow is my last day of high school!!! Its soooo weird!!! I'm graduating in a week!!! Wow ...

I dont know what else to say other than keep repeating myself so ... enough of that!!!

Now ... about this boy ...
his name is cody hes sooo sweet!!! He's a good christian which is hard to find these days, but it does make somethings harder ... which brings us to the complications ... he says he's so in love with his future wife *whoever she is* that he doesnt want to even think about cheating on her and by dating other girls ... he would be cheating on her ... holding hands and kissing and all those emotions are made for your husband or wife is what he says ... but what I say is how do you know who youre gonna marry without dating??? You cant juz look at someone and be like I'm gonna marry them!!! But I totally respect his views ... so right now we're best friends ... who knows maybe he'll change his mind and let his true feelings for me out ...

Autum's Monologue

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

The Fiction We Live

You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do.

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♥♥♥

Goodbye Waves And Drive Ways

The Rocket Summer

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if, this is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
And like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul is on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And it’s making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate
And yes I am throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Maybe we're just being dumb
Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind we are one
And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread
Because I love you and you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

And don’t walk away...

♥I miss him♥

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Untitled

--Goth--
Do you wear black eyeliner?: ya ... lots of it
How much black clothing do you own?: uhh ... juz about everything in my closet is
Do you think about death often?: not my death ...
Do you want to die?: not really
Are you a social outcast?: NO
Are you pale?: NOOO
Do you cut?: Nope ... kinda a weeny when it come to pain
Do you like Hot Topic?: Yeah!

--Skater Punk--
Can you skateboard?: Wish I could ... I know how to fall off pretty good
How often do you go into Pac Sun?: All the time
What's your sneaker brand?: etnies
Do you do stupid stuff with your friends?: hells ya
Are the long skater cuts hott?: sure
How much do you get in trouble?: all the damn time
Do you listen to the bands who are considered
"posers"?: some of them are
How many piercings do you have?: 9

--Prep--
How often do you say the word "like"?: haha ... like all the time
Do you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch?: sometimes
Are the A&F models hott?: some of them are ... the others are juz ... ok
How many purses do you own?: hmmm ... maybe 10
Is lipgloss a must?: absolutly
How often do you wear makeup?: EVERYDAY
Ever had a manicure?:ya ... get em every now and then
Rock music is bad, right?: are you crazy???
Are you ever ditzy?: I have my moments ... but I'm a blonde
Do you own high heels?: sure do
Have you ever said "Oh my gosh"?: normally its Oh my god ... but pretty much the same thing
Are you a cheerleader?: used to be

--Hippie--
Is your hair long?: yup ... very
Are you a vegetarian?: nope
Do you own a tye dye shirt?: ya ... some of my work shirts
Do you want peace?: I guess ...
Do you want to save the animals?: Ya ... I love animals
What do you think about the war?: its going on ... and I know SOME people over there ... not much about it
Have you ever made a peace sign with your two
fingers?: haha ya

--Gangsta--
Are you from the ghetto?: not really
Do you own "bling bling"?: haha ... I'm the queen of bling
What do you think about do-rags?: sometimes they're ok ... I mean for like football games and stuff
Do you like rap?: its good when youre dancing ... and sometimes its good to juz goof off to in the car
How about hip-hop?: again ... good to dance to
Was Tupac truly the greatest rapper in the world?: didnt really listen to him
What do you think about afros?: haha ... I think they're cool
Have you ever said 'fo shizzle'?: lol ... fo shizzle bizzle
How about 'oh, snap son'?: nix on the son ... juz oh snap

--Frat--
Is life a party?: hell ya
How often do you get drunk?: every so often ... not exactly an every weekend thing ... could change one I go off to college though
What's the point of getting drunk anyway?: juz to have fun
Do you care about your grades?: I actually do ... gotta get in a good school
Do you need attitude adjustment?: haha ... of course
How far have you been?: LOL ... I'm an angle ... or am I???

--Emo--
How often do you cry?: its hard to make me cry ... every now and then
Do you have an ex?: yup
Do you have an acoustic guitar?: yup
Are you emotional?: sometimes
Do you like soft music?: ya ... but mostly when it rains
Do people understand you?: only my closest friends
Do you write your own songs?: sure do
Is your hair dyed dark?: underneath is

--Jock--
Do you play any sports?: used to play volleyball ... bball ... and track ... but not anymore
How important are they to you?: obviously not that
How important is your reputation?: I dont care what people think of me
Do you pick on the geeky kids?: haha ... no I'M a nerd
What do you think about football?: i LOOOOOVE football
Are you considered a bully by anyone?: not that i know of

--Geek--
Do you wear glasses?: yup
Do you get good grades?: yup
Are you smart?: I guess
Do you use an inhaler?: nope
Do you stick pens and calculators into your shirt?: I did until one busted and got all over me ... LOL j/k no
Does your mom buy your clothes?: some of them
How often are you on the computer?: All the time
Do you get picked on?: only but some of my guy friends

Oh and this ...

... is my prom date ... Spenser!!!

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love hurts

This is it ...

He's the one who makes my heart beat and break all at the same time!!!

It scares me ... I dont wanna feel this way ... I dont wanna hurt like this!!!

I'm scared of how strong my feelings are for him ... but the fact that I'm not even with him is what scares me the most!!! The fact that he has a girlfriend and that he has so many feelings for her is what hurts!!!

I know he has feelings for me ... the reason we're not together ... cant tell ya that!!! I know that doesnt feel nothing towards me!!! Maybe its cuz he was with his g/f now when he found out that I liked him!!!

I juz wish he could know how much I really do like him ... its not juz a little crush!!! He drives me absolutly crazy ... hes all I can think about!!! If only I could tell him ... but I cant!!! He's happy with his g/f and I dont wanna break them up ... even though I cant wait for the day when they do!!!

I hate being the second girl in line!!! I wanna be with him ... hes so perfect for me!!! If I could make my own guy it would be exactly him ... my perfect Kellen!!!

his eyes ... his smile ... EVERYTHING about him is what I want!!!

But for now I guess I'll juz have to be the friend whos there when needed and watch as he slowly gets closer and closer to her and farther and farther from me!!!

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