Sometimes I stay up to rediculous hours of the night, just thinking about you. Trying to imagine what I might say if you bothered to talk to me again. How I might act if I saw you again.

 

When I think about the adventure that was You, I don't really know how to feel about it any more. There were so many things I believed, that I thought must be real.

 

But I should have taken it a little more to heart when you said it was only a dream. You weren't kidding. And apparently laying it down that we were both dreaming made it ok to say anything and make promises, because it was all in our heads anyway. If something didn't workout, no biggie, it was never real in the first place, right?

 

 

 But then, I guess I must be a really heavy sleeper, cuz I can't seem to wake up. The dream seems to have ended but I'm still lying in bed trying to hold on to it...even when I try my hardest to just open my eyes and let it go.

u know, i was just a few steps away from being out of the water. exhausted, and starved, i moved toward the shore. i was almost safe.

 

 

but then u came up and pulled me back down and out in your rip tide. i never saw it coming, and i didnt have a chance. i couldnt swim out, one look and i was sucked under

 

which way is up?

 

 

 

when i was finally out of your under toe, i found myself floating in the middle of the sea, confused and alone.

an occasional airplane passed overhead, proving that civilization was still somewhere around me. but no real answers, and no help.

 

 

well, im tired of treading water, waiting for help, waiting for you to push me back above water and keep my head up.

im swiming. i dont know exactly where yet, couldnt tell you where the shore might be, but im swimming. ill get out by myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and you will will catch me again when i am finally only waist deep.

What do you believe in?

 

Fate/destiny?

or

 do you think everything is more determined by us. Our own decisions...

 

 

do you think there's any such thing as "meant to be"?

i really do think i have a problem. but this time its nothing to do with the usual stuff.

 

this time its because of manatees.

 

im terrified of all animals in the water at practice or anywhere else. i get really jumpy every day out on the water now at the first splash i hear that i didnt expect. and the fact that its still dark out doesnt really help. cuz that only makes my imagination go crazy. and then i start thinking up even worse things than what could possibly happen!

 

manatees scare me. and dolphins scare me. and fish too, now. how pathetic is that?

 

like, the other day at practice, it was lightning really bad (we were on our way in cuz coach decided it wasnt safe anymore; and lightning is my other biggest fear), and a fish jumped in the boat. and hit me. and i spazed. then dana said she saw a dolphin jump out of the water, and she pointed to where. we were all watching, and osmething jumped, but it sure want a dolphin. it was a flipping huge fish is what it was.

 

after that i couldnt stop thinking about everything that might be swimming under us, and i was shaking the whole row back in. 

i give.

new summer. new adventures.

new bed sheets and comforter for my new dorm room next year : ]

damn my busy schedule.

damn your busy schedules.

damn graduation.

damn diets.

damn temptation.

damn stress.

          will power. [or lack there of]

          ergs.

          music.

          emotions.

          memories.

damn it all.

                                                may i live like a hermit lives?

                                                       just for a day?

really throw me for a loop.

I just don't get it.

Let me know if/when you visit again, and we'll talk.

Right?

tell me a secret. something u believe that no one else knos.

just one.

I gave blood yesterday.

i was scared to death.

but i did it anyway : ]

i am SO proud of me!!!

AND District Festival was increadible. we played 3 crazy pieces, totally pulled them off, and got insane reviews. : ]

i dont mean to brag, honest. im just really super excited!!! : ]

so tonight was awsome.

im actually really glad i stayed in wind ensemble. even tho i still dont like prague, and i think its really an ugly ugly piece, it was super cool to play for all those ppl.

we got a lot of clapping : ] and pretty much everyone there stood up for us. even the JUDGES!

and O Magnum made ppl on stage with me cry [even the director], and my friend who was watching said she was on the verge of tears, listening.

p.r.e.t.t.y. cooooool.

yeah, that and some ppl suck, and i think will probably always suck, when it comes to ppl skills. this on ein particular is 3 letters, with an A in the middle.

p.s. i have to loose about 4 lbs by saturady. wooooo lightweight.

going to see anberlin in orlando on the 30th with a really good friend

: ]

he is a really good friend, and he doesnt get back what he deserves for it.

im sorry.

and it will probably never change either.

but u will get that $15 bak!! i refuse to let u pay me back!!! : P

turns out stuffed teddies are easier to cope with than the flesh and bone kind.

stop putting me on this stupid emotional roller coaster!

yes, you!

i havent even talked to u for how many weeks now? and ur still messing with me head. i dont need to see u or hear you....and ur still in my head.

your stupid song came on in sewing yesterday. and again today.

stupid john mayer.

stupid geography.

stupid boy.

u cant really mean just all of what uv said. u seem to be doing just fine, w/ or w/o your little summer infatuation.

no shortage of arm candy for you.

maybe thats not how u see it, but thats how it feels over here.

a returned call or txt once in a while would help.

make that

sent: comment, text, comment, text, phone call

[over a few weeks total]

received: nada

i give up!

i must say im a little annoyed with you. i feel neglected.

sent: comment, text

recieved: nothing.

hm.

but i got it bak today. : ] im so glad they held on to it for me!

even so.

still havent found a better song yet.

bon fire tonight? well, yes, i have to go. not that i dont want to. i just gotta clean n finish a scholarship app and find time to nap first.

ugh. i wish i could stop the sun,                                                                                                                                                                      if only for a little while.

myspace stinks.

but i friggin PR-ed today [thats personal record]

: ]

and oh boy does it feel good : ]

yeah. smiles all around, and bed time soon.

school tomoro! ICK!

thank you so much for trying.

it really does mean a lot. like, a LOT a lot. it makes me feel really important, really worth an effort.

i still miss you. i hope im the first to kno when u come bak down, whenever it ends up being.

AGH.

stop it.

sam.               serioulsly.

get over it.

theyre not signs.

its not fate.

or, if it is...it isnt now.       not yet.

God...

where is my new song?

                                     i fear this ones causing me to lose my mind.

left over endorphins + semi-late night + talking to you

= a great next day

yeah, i was in a really good mood all day today. i like being in this kind of mood.

to be remembered is a good feeling.

to be missed feels wonderful.

especially when the missing is mutual.

yeah

: [

my apoligies if i dont post much happyness on here. i swear im not emo. i just talk abou tmy happy things outloud to ppl....the less happy/moody tends to come out thru a key board much more easily.


i like hootie and the blowfish.



guess i still have a bit of a problem.
not too bad tho.
and at least im not the only one.

as long as u were being completely honest.

oh boy.

this might be bad.

i hope i dont mess that up too...

am i being selfish? taking something away from someone else? im not trying to. i dont want to let it be my fault, but i dont want to miss out on something that could be wonderful either. not that its even an option at the moment...

only time will tell i suppose.

: ]

thats all.

i think iv just REALLY realized, for the first time, that i have a problem.

whoops. : P

kind of lame.

i dont know if ur doing it on purpose, but i wish you would just tell me.

no sense in ignoring it or pretending theres nothing different.

hmm. sigh.

AHHHH

its gorgeous up there.

i like the mountains a lot. i dont know if theyre as good as the MA mountains, cuz theyre not as big, but then again, i wasnt on any of the in chat. mt holyoke is a good mountain. im gonna take atara running up it in college : ]

wer also gonna wear big poofy jackets and mittens and boots and scarves on the winter. and learn to drive on icey roads.

"you better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you want it, you better never let it go, you only got one shot do not miss your chance to blow, this oportunity comes once in a lifetime."

oh seven fourth years WHAT!