I think I'm finally starting to be okay. A lot of it had to do with the events of yesterday. I guess I'm realizing that he's not the person he used to be. And this new person that he is doesn't really give me butterflies like the old one. Yesterday was the first time I'd really talked to him in almost a month, and for the first time in that month, I really was okay. The things he said to me, the horrible things he said at work the other night about me, the person he's become, made me just want to completely forget everything between us. Yeah, I still love him, but the person I love isn't there anymore. And suddenly, I'm okay without him. For the first time in over three years, I don't want to be with him. And it's a good feeling. Maybe one day he and I will be together again, but that is completely up to God, not me.
On a different note, I'm "talking" to someone. lol Man I hate that term! :) He's a political science major at MTSU. I'm taking it *really* slow, but he seems really sweet. So we'll see what happens!

Love Always: Me

So I figured I had better update and let you guys know how everything went yesterday. Well actually, I can't give you guys a really good synopsis of how things went since I was out of it until 3:00 that afternoon. :) But from what I'm told, the doctors said everything was fine. Pathology said it wasn't cancer, which is some fabulous news. But apparently I was making jokes in Pre-OP and was showing everyone there how the heart rate monitor could fly. :) But I guess that's it. I'm still pretty sore, and the stitches look nasty, but I'm alive!!! Thanks for all the prayers- you guys are *amazing*!!!

Love Always: Me

My surgery is tomorrow at 8 AM, and I am absolutely terrified. Everyone keeps telling me that it's a routine procedure and nothing ever goes wrong, but still, what if something does go horribly wrong?? For goodness sake, they are cutting me open in only 18 hours! I've never been more scared in my entire life. And there's only one person that has ever been able to calm my fears, and they are no longer by my side because they didn't want to do it anymore. I wish with everything I have and more that that person was here. I want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But he's not here, and I'm in this terrifying place without him.

"God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

Today would be Josh and I's two year anniversary. I wonder if he'll think about me today. I wonder if he remembers at all???

I'm beginning to lose faith in the idea that I can do this. Of course, to other people I'm happy and doing okay without him. But the minute I'm alone, I completely fall apart. I know that God is doing this with all the faith in the world in me, but I'm doubting myself. I miss him more and more each day, and some days it takes everything I have to just get out of bed. And what makes it even harder is the fact that I'm doing this all by myself. Because the only person that I can talk to about absolutely everything has suddenly become too busy to notice that I am not okay. It's the absolute hardest thing in the world to lose the person you loved more than anything, but it's even harder to lose them without a shoulder to cry on. I miss him more than I thought it was possible to miss someone, and no one even knows it. Like I said, I'm not sure that I can do this.

Love Always: Me

"Do everything in love." -1 Cor. 16:14

Possibly the most fundamental of all Bible verses. Could also be one of the most important.

Love. It's what the entire Christian faith is based on. God sent His Son because He loved us. Jesus died on the cross because He loved us. Every single Christian idea is based on the act of loving one another. So why do people today have such a hard time doing it??

People always tell me that I have one of the biggest hearts they've ever seen. I would do anything for anyone that needed it. I will cause myself pain so that others may avoid it. It's just what I've always done. It's all I know *how* to do.

God has blessed me with this massive heart with so much love inside to give that I could explode. So what happens when that huge heart puts everything it has into loving someone, and the person runs away from it.

I believe with all that I have that Josh is the one for me. I know it in my heart and not a single thing could make me believe otherwise....Not even him saying he no longer believes it. I know that he loves me, and I know that he knows what we have together. Someone extremely important in my life told me that while Josh and I were togther, everything else just seemed to fit. And now that we're not, everything else seems not so perfect anymore. But Josh needs to figure that out for himself, and he needs to quit running away from it just because he's scared.

I knew that God had something to teach me through all of this. I knew that He wasn't just causing me to go through this pain just for the heck of it. I just hadn't figured out what that lesson was until this morning at church.

Maybe Josh and I aren't meant to be with each other right now. He and I both have a lot of growing up to do, and my part of growing up needs to be done before I bring another person into it. Like I said earlier, with my huge heart comes this incredible amount of love to give. And even though my heart will always belong to Josh, it needs to have another focus for right now. My heart needs to be focused on getting my spiritual life where it needs to be. I need to put my heart into my faith and it needs to be focused on figuring out what God has planned for this heart He blessed me with. I've got to focus on that for a while, and I'm not able to do that with my focus being elsewhere. And then, when God believes I'm ready, my heart's focus will return to Josh while still putting everything I have into my faith.

Even though I've realized all of this, not being with Josh is still harder than I ever thought imaginable. The pain intensifies more each day and the tears still flow at their own free will. But I'm trying to learn to be okay without him for a while, because I know in my heart that we will be together again. Though most everyone else has stopped believing in us, I still have faith in Josh and I. I just wish that he would allow himself to believe it also.

Love Always: Me

So I did something I've never done before this weekend. I went kayaking down the Hiwasee river!!! :) It was a blast!! I went with Jake and his family and Wes. 5 and a half miles of river rapids! Funny thing was though, that it started pouring down rain a third of the way down. It was *fabulous*!! That is of course, until Jake and his dad pushed me in. lol But I hope you all had a great weekend! Too bad I'll be sore out of my mind tomorrow at church! :)

My entire world has just fallen apart....

So I told you guys that I would let you know how my doctor's appointment went. Well basically...it went better than it could've but not as well as I had hoped. I was praying with everything that I had that the doctor would tell me that I was just overreacting and that I was in perfect health.

But truth be told, that wasn't the case that morning. In all reality, the doctor told me there was a problem, and that surgery was the only way to fix it.

Surgery. My heart stopped at that moment. And I'm not sure that it's ever started again. My friends and family are trying to support me as best they can, but there's no words that can calm every single fear surging through my body right now.

Sure, I can say I'm not going through with the surgery. However, the only alternative to it is the possibility of cancer. So in all actuality, there really is no alternative. Every second of every day that seven letter word races through my head. More than anything I wish that there was some way out of it. But like I said, what other alternative do I have??

For most people, tomorrow is just an ordinary day. Most will go to work as normal, and will just live their day without any life-changing events to occur.

However...this is not the case for me. True, I will go to work at my normal time of 7 AM. But my activities after I get off at one will not be so ordinary. In fact, they will decide the rest of my life.

Tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment. Doesn't seem to life-changing, does it?? But in all reality, this appointment is the most terrifying appointment I've ever been to. I wish I could get into details about it, but I can't.

I have more emotions going through me than most can even fathom. The most prominent being fear. I am so terrified about the results of this doctor's appointment that my insides are shaking. Chances are that everything will be okay. But there's still that small percentage that everything will be terribly, terribly wrong.

Prayers are much needed for my doctor's appointment. I really wish everything will turn out okay. I don't think I could handle it if everything turned out badly. I'll keep an update of how it went. Thanks for allowing me to pour out my heart!