New Poem - Where Angels Prosper

You deserve so much more than,
what this Earth has to offer.
You'd be happier to return to heaven,
where the other angels prosper.
Why fall from heaven
Into the deep end,
Just for a chance to love him?
But now your drowning,
Deep in the ocean,
Bitter tears and frowning,
from your mixed emotions.
We close our eyes tight,
so we won't see what's coming.
We shield our hearts, tonight,
to stop them from crumbling.
You know he loves you,
and he'd fall from heaven
Just to hold you,
and save you from the deep end.
You deserve so much more than,
What he has to offer.
Why don't you return to heaven?
Where all the angels prosper.
You know if you fall from heaven,
He'd catch you in his arms.
He'd dive into the deep end,
to end your worldly harm.
But you deserve so much more than
What I have to offer.
But please don't return to heaven,
Because without you I will falter,
and crash into the deep end
Where fallen angels prosper.

-Daniel Austin 2005

New poem - The Terribly Absurd

Tonight I look back upon my written words
the beautiful, and the terribly absurd.
Poetry about death, about life and love
Songs of beauty, and of a God above.
Words that describe people that I loved
Corny romance for my would be beloved.
Of the intense love I once felt for some
All that's left is dead romance in some silly poem.
Few people close to me read what I write
and from these words some take much delight.
However, these words do me almost no good.
After writing one night, outside I stood
and wished upon a falling star.
I wished, I wished, upon that star
To just try and make things for me right.
It was obvious, however, I was alone that night.
I remember exactly what I said to the star
that falling angel from afar.
I said "A thousand words I could surely write
If given the power to survive the night.
A thousand words on just one girl
A thousand lives to be lived for her.
A thousand loves written on paper
A thousand strands connected by a stapler.
A thousand deaths to die for her
A thousand words on just one girl.
But from these words I cannot be satisfied
For they are nothing at all but attractive lies.
In my poems I find happiness and love!
In these words I know there is a God above!
These fancy words who make life more cheerful
In a fantasy land where all is happy and beautiful.
The problem is, this fantasy world is fake
I've never visited the world while awake.
I cannot dream forever, I cannot stay asleep
From this nightmare of real life, I duely weep
For I lack the security I have in the dreams
That when in I can battle loneliness, sew broken seams.
Where love makes me happy, Where smoke produces no cancer
Where drugs don't seem like the only possible answer
Of escaping from simply lying alone in my bed
and praying to God the next morning I'll be dead.
Every time I call upon you to make a wish
The opposite occurs, you've given me only anguish.
So I ask of you once more star, dear falling light
To grant one goddamn wish for me tonight.
I do not ask much, I simply want for happiness from love
Something I barely understand or know of.
So Please dear star, dear falling light
Grant me that one goddamn wish tonight
Let her be the one who brings me that love
the kind that I've asked and spoken so often of.
and let me be happy for a change
Does this idea really seem that strange?"
Then angrily I walked away from that star, that dear light
and returned to my room to retire for the night.
I couldn't sleep, so I decided to read
all my old poetry, and perhaps smoke some weed.
That night I looked back upon my written words
the beautiful, and the terribly absurd.

So.. yeah..

I called off of work with the excuse that I had blood in my stool?

Fucking right I did.

Time for another bowl, suckahs.

Perhaps new poetry soon.

Stay tuned, I am still alive
Though to be fair, I've been thoroughly fried.

haha that rhymed. poetry? More poignant poetry later perhaps.

Smile... life is amazing.

556-3737

Conversation with God

So you had a conversation with God.
Well what did the old man say?
Did he smile and promise
to take all your sorrows away?
Did he comfort you in your lonliness
and take you in his arms?
Did he convince you that he would
Protect you from worldly harm?
This world has grown cold
and become far too unfair
to those of us upon it
who honestly do care.
They often say I lost the faith
In the spirits above.
That I care not anymore
of romance and love.
How untrue, these thoughts.
I still do hold on
to all of these silly beliefs
from which my sorrow is spawned.
In the most recent days, however
It would apparently seem
the opposite occurance
These beliefs have lost faith in me.
I've never felt so lonely
abandoned by myself.
I cannot look even inward
In my cry for help.
I tried to talk to God this night
I tried to make him see.
But the Lord Allmighty made no response
For he'd lost his faith in me.
So I ask you of you dear reader
I do hate to put you on the spot.
But I have heard a rumor
that you've had a conversation with God.
Is it true, that you spoke with God?
Well just what did that old man say?
Did he smile gently and promise
to just take all those sorrows away?
Was he with you in your lonliness
and did he take you in his arms?
If you happen to speak to him again
Ask him please for life to spare me harm
and ask him why there is no room left for me
to be wrapped up in his arms.

-Daniel Austin 2005

New poem. It's sort of depressing, sorry. I'm not in the best of all moods.. but not quite as sad as this poem. I like it though.

Demons with Wings

I dreamt a dream of many things
of angels with horns and demons with wings
of finding any real happiness out of love
of having true faith in what's above.
I dreamt of being able to achieve
all the dreams I had perceived.
In this dream I did believe
that no longer would I be deceived.
From love, by life, I am bereaved
as all my dreams are thieved and cleaved.
But in this dream I was reprieved
from the pains my life had weaved.
As I felt my conciousness retrieved,
a bitter tear flowed as I grieved.
For the reality I wanted real,
for all the feelings I longed to feel,
did not exist, this reality was pain.
Wide awake, I felt disdain
for not being able to sleep until
that dream had become real.
Wide awake, I had a thought
of the reality of the things I sought.
I thought a thought of many things,
of demons with horns and angels with wings.
Of finding nothing but pain out of love
and having nothing but questions for what's above.
I thought myself unable to acheive
all those wonderful things I had perceived,
that had been attainable, I believed.
All the things I had ever dreamed
in this reality are received
only to those who deserve it less
than those of us who do possess
the passion and desire to live
in the dream world that's fictive.
The world where all that we believe
is possible to acheive.
In the end, I believed in many things..
that angels had horns, and demons had wings.
That life hurts, that love may not be worth
all the pain and agony that is put forth.
That in the dreamt world I wished to stay
and just dream this horrid reality away.

-Daniel Austin

Me and my friend Ross were in a pretty bad car wreck tonight at about 10:30 pm. I was playing around a bit, and I over corrected one way, got scared and over corrected the other way. My car flipped once as we went down into the ditch. We are both ok, no serious injuries. Ross hit his neck on the roof, I hit my chest on the steering wheel pretty good, and the glass in my hand is starting to hurt pretty badly. The car itself is probably totaled. I thank god that neither one of us were seriously injured. The fact that we both had our seatbelts on and that we hit a fence is probably the reason we aren't in the hospital right now. The cop said that he'd seen less damage on a car and dead drivers. it really only hit me a while ago what could have happened. I just want to let anyone know if you hear about the wreck, we're both ok.

Just make sure to give me a hug next time I see you.

I'm looking to move out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! If ANYONE is in need of a fun loving tho relaxed roomate, PLEASE Hit me up! Or, if you want to room with me immediately, tell me and we will look for a place. Regardless, I'd be ready to leave tomorrow if I had the chance. So keep that in mind :)

I wrote this poem tonight. Honor of its inspiration should rightfully go to Kayla Melton. An entry on her myspace entitled One Headlight is what got me writing. Inspiration strikes in weird places. Enjoy. It's called Golden Decorations.


Golden Decorations

We are called upon to join the dance
no choice given, we all arrive by chance.
Golden decorations are hung to distract
us from noticing the dance's main act.
Surprisingly easily we are all swept away
by what dilusive music they decide to play
in order to convice us it is fun
to dance in this dance with great passion.
The music played, and all stood up
and raised up high our golden cups
filled with our dreams, filled with our love
for those around us, for what's above.
Filled with the lives we wished to live,
little we knew that we were captives.
But one day, much to our surprise
heavy dark clouds began filling up the skies.
The golden decorations faded away,
No longer did we feel the music play.
Alas, this time, we were deceived!
Lost and confused by the lies that they weaved.
They had us trapped, but we had no chance
As we never even asked to join this dance!
All we ever had done was try and smile,
and to just enjoy that dance a while.
But the setting changed, and it invoked fear
as the location of the dance soon became clear.
All alone we stood, in a cemetery.
Where broken lives and dreams were buried.
Music played again, but not at all the same.
This music convinced us of only pain.
The music played, and all sat down.
From our cups, we all felt drowned.
Our dreams became impossible, love was a joke
feelings for those around us were lost in smoke
as we realized that the life we wished to live
was nothing more than fictive.
We all felt lost and deceived,
Punishment for naitivity harshly received.
Perhaps it was too good a dream
To dance forever, decorations agleam.
Suddenly, amid the anguish that we felt
One man changed the hand he was dealt.
a shining light in the middle of the crowd
we heard the beautiful music, booming loud.
This music played, and we all stood up.
Took another look into our forsaken cups.
Though our dreams we lost, though love is broken
Though we feel our lives were stolen
We realized that the dance goes on
memories of pain, though resounding strong
should not stop us from continuing to dance
and to keep giving life another chance.
Even when we find ourselves with broken dreams,
it simply means we must repair the seams.
Every time that music stops
does not mean our spirit must drop.
Because in the end, no one played a song
the music was in us all along.
No one put up those golden decarations
Our pain created from our own proclomations.
So with hope still shining in our eyes
We smile and dance away our lives.

COPYRIGHT DANIEL AUSTIN 2005

-Daniel Austin

So many people come from absolutely nothing but a dream to having everything they'd ever wanted.

Someday I'm going to become a king.

Every day should be a good day to die.

So What If You Catch Me,
Where would we land?

It's difficult to have my head in the clouds and still keep my feet on the ground.

Heres a poem I wrote. Enjoy.

Inverted World

Lonely eyes see lonely faces
creating lonely tears, filling empty spaces
An empty space of an inverted world
where demons shiver, and angels burn
Contradictions fluorish, order is chaotic;
Rhyme loses reason, there exists no logic.
It's in ourselves, this world is found
When our normal existance is drowned
by guilt, by loneliness, or by tears
from the pain caused by our uncontrollable fears
of this cold and barren world
from which our stories are unfurled.
-Daniel Austin 2005


By the way, as for all this religious debate that has been sparked because anyone thought that my group was attacking Christians, I'm done with it. That group did not attack Christians, I love Christianity, and most of my friends and family are Christians. That group is about God's word being twisted in ALL religions. About the word of Jesus being twisted to spawn hatred, about the word of Muhammad being twisted to spawn hatred.. its about how God in every fascet is changed by radicals for evil. But everyone has to jump on me because they're weak faith is bothered by some stranger that seems to disagree with them. Please no one bug me about it, because currently I still have respect for everyone, even those who have caused me frustration about this very subject.

That's all I have to say about the subject. I should think that anyone should feel lucky that I even grace this entry with a explaination.. it isn't deserved or neccessary.. however I can let go of my pride and tell you all that I'm sorry if I offended anyone, because it wasn't my intentions. Now leave me be.

Everybody's got a hold on hope,
It's the last thing that's holding me

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I thought maybe it would be due time for a new entry. I truly do hate updating this thing. My posts on xanga are not far from ending completely, so enjoy these last posts. By the way, this post may not make a lot of sense if you didnt read my last post.. (special note, I enjoy phusebox so much more ;) )

Well anywho, it's been a week and like.. 4 days since the surgery. Things have become immensely easier to deal with, but its still a pain in the ass. I'm starving.. literally I'm thinking more about food than I am sex lately. I could easily masturbate successfully to the smell of a pizza. It's rough shit living on Slimfast and soup.. I miss chewing. Another thing I really miss - Talking. Yeah that's a underappreciated skill. I'm getting better with articulating my way through things without talking (gestures and such) but it just doesn't cut it. Besides those two things, I'm pretty much ok with this. It doesn't hurt or anything.. although I do really badly want to stretch my cheek muscles... and yawning hurts like a bitch, let me tell you.

I'm back to work now. In case no one knows, I got a job at Carmike Cinemas like.. a month ago. I never mentioned it on here, too lazy. It's a pain working with the jaws wired shut. I can barely communicate with anyone there, plus I'm still extremely tired.. probably because I barely have any calorie intake. Everything is exhausting to me. But alas, I'm dragging my way through, and at least it passes the time. Everyone picks on me though! Gosh! lol everytime a supervisor or manager got a chance, they asked me questions or told me to get on post.. gah.. bastards. I don't mind it honestly though .. hey, there is a blessing - I can't work post! This rocks because post is the equal to Satan's asshole... anywho.

I want to send a shout out to all my family and friends who are helping me get through this. I'm not going to name everyone, it would become a huuuuuuuge list.. but I wanted to send a shout out to Kelly who came by my house when I was still all swollen and weird looking, and gave me flowers. It meant the world to me. And Kim, thanks for the call even though I couldn't even say hello! It meant a lot ! everyone is being so understanding and loving and accepting.. I really appreciate it, I don't think I'd be able to get through this if you guys weren't so great.

I've lost some weight due to the.. not being able to eat diet, so.. I've decided just to push it all the way. Working out now. Dunno, may do something with my hair (I shant cut it bitches).. Its going to be fun coming in school in the fall with the surgery done and a more.. toned body.. more for me than anything else. Although nothing can really fix the damage that I suppose God made (or my mothers vagina, I don't know) when I was born, I still want to at least try and look my best.

I have been wasting my spare time over this summer. I've been bored and enjoying it, unlike most of you people. I read so many xangas and hear so many people saying how boring summer is, and how much it sucks. I love it. All through school last year I YEARNED to be bored instead of so stressed out.. well now I'm bored and enjoying every last drip of it. I will even more so after I get this shit taken out and I can EAT. I'm going to start writing again.. some poem I wrote was nominated for something or other on poetry.com, and supposedly I can win $20,000, but it says I'd have to go to DC and recite it.. and obviously thats impossible, and besides, I wouldn't win even if I could... but I do want to write some more.. I want to start my novel i've always dreamed of.. "Honk If You Love Jesus!" Yes that's right.. and yes, there is good reason behind the silly title. Its a very serious book though, make no doubt. It's about the second coming of Jesus.. yes he comes back to bring the saved home, and the sinners to be left behind and punished in the tribulations! But.. no one listens. People think he's crazy, he even gets locked up. He becomes homeless and such.. and is slowly corrupted by the world into becoming just another corrupt human. The title you ask? Well.. he becomes a used car salesman (a metaphor for corruption), and on the back of his own car is a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love jesus!", which it describes at the end of the book. At an innerstate, he is honked at.. and he just grins to himself. I think its pretty bad ass.. and its mine bitches!

IDEA COPYRIGHTED by DANIEL AUSTIN on JUNE 12, 2005!

Anyway... I'm rambling. Life is actually pretty good for me right now.. I can complain, but I don't want to. The stress of school is over, and once this surgery is knocked out of the park, I think I'll be pretty damn happy.. although to be fair, I've never been so lonely in my life. But I have friends, and a wired shut jaw, so low expectations on finding anyone who would put up with me for the next 5 weeks. But I guess I should have the same low expectations on that even after the stuff gets off. Its ok though, I wouldn't put up with me either. Still.. I guess it's just way to much to ask for to fall in love. Scratch that, I fall in love way too easily. It's too much to ask for to fall in love, and for things to work out.. that's never happened for me.. ever. Maybe... someday?

Until then, I shall be here.. I'll be here writing my stories and poetry, like the little extroverted introvert that I am.. a hermit if you would. You need not look further than Carmike on the weekends if you wish to find me, and some weekdays. If I'm not there, you can bet I'm here in front of my computer, being bored, and enjoying it.. and being hungry.. dreaming about a combination of cheeseburgers and pizza... I tell you, it could revolutionize the entire food industry... hrmm

By the way, the new song is Hold On Hope by Guided Voices. I hope you like it as much as I do. It's a pretty inspirational song, and I can connect with the lyrics..
Hope really is the last thing that's holding me..
...the *last* thing...

Much love.

-Daniel

Friday, June 03, 2005

By the waym, the name of the procedure is Le Fort II Osteotomy.


I suppose now is the best time to write a new entry. I was going to wait until I had recovered from this shit, but I feel compelled to type all I can, seeing as I cannot talk offline. Today is Friday, it is currently about 7:30. I got home from my wednesday surgery about 5-6 hours ago. The surgery I had was called something like Lefours II Osteonomy, I dunno, but regardless, it was jaw surgery. To explain, I have some fucked up teeth. Many have probably noticed my lack of chin? This was because my auxillory jaw (the top one) was so out of wack on angle that it was so far up that only the 12 yr molars in my teeth met. I've only had 4 teeth meeting for most of my life. I have gotten used to so many dentists saying "How the hell do you eat?" Well, wednesday we went in to fix it. I don't remember much, but I remember waking up and puking blood, and going back to sleep. They woke me up periodically to make me cough up blood or to spit something out, or to take deep braeths. It felt to me like 20 minutes, but apprently I was back in the surgery recovery room with my very own 24/7 nurse for 4 hours. why is this neccessary for a jaw surgery? There were complications. My right lung collapsed. I don't really remember why it collapsed, Dr. Hardison was explaining it. I believe it was due to the tube down my nose/throat, due to the blood filling my lungs, and due to not taking breaths when under the knife. I am finally wheeled out with an oxygen mask on, still pretty woosy. I remember seeing my little brother and I started to cry a little. He just looked so happy, and I was drugged up, so I cried a lil. That night wasnt that bad.. the leakage on my was still wet and I was still drugged. They set me in the CCU for the night.. which is a small step down from the ICU. the ICU is Intensive Care Unit, CCU is Critical Care Unit. I was plugged up to all sorts of monitors to watch over me, and I had to stay on an oxygen mask. Plus about every 2-3 hours someone would come in and give me a breating treatment. Note that this entire time, my jaws are wired shut. thats right -- I'm trying to spit liquids through a wired shut jaw. It was difficult. The second day/night was the worse. They tried to get me to drink liquids, but my throat wouldn't swallow.. I just wanted to get home. Everything went about the same, except I drank a little and walked a lot.. that night was horrible though, as my nose clogged up bad. I almost.. hell Im not going to lie, I did cry a little. Its a scary feeling not being able to breath, or walk on your own, or even piss on your own. I had to find my own way of breathing, and it was really frustrating. They finally let me out today at near 2ish. I drank enough and walked enough. So I've spent my day lazily at home just trying to be comfortable with my new environment. I had some pediolite and powerade to drink and my antibiotics went down well.. so I'm proud of myself. I just got done my 6th shower of the night.. they help more than any could know. The steam clears my airways, and the hot water slowly unnumbs my currently numb face muscles. the only thing I can't stand is not being able to control my saliva much. It's frustrating! I feel like a 4 year old.. I can't stop drooling. its a shame :-\ Plus my face is all bloated like a chipmunk.. its pretty discouraging. but.. I have a chin? ;)

It has been a better day today, hopefully tomorrow will be even better, and so on until I get this shit removed and my swelling goes down. Whichever first, I don't care.

Anyone can call me at (615) 556-3737 if you'd like, but do know that I wont be able to talk back. the most I can do is just groan.

Well my buddy Max said this was better than xanga.. and I have to say, the layout is extremely more managable.

I dunno though.. we'll see which I prefer :-D