ever look at past journal entries and realize exactly one year ago you were going through the same damn thing? Well, it happened to me and I am so fucking sick of this damn cycle, *sigh*, ah well.

…Perhaps, paradise is not so much a physical state, but a dream created by the mind as a last resort to sustain the sanity of a person that is about to fall completely into a dark mass known as depression; it is not reality but a lie to prevent destruction....

…Think about it. Whenever things seem to be getting increasingly worse and completely spinning out of control, something happens that restores your high, but is it something that happens that restores you?

Confusing? What if this 'thing' isn't what created this joy? For
example, you look at a tree during fall, dead and cold, and realize
that in a couple of months it will be full of life with lush greens and
critters running all over it. Suddenly, you feel better and you realize
things will get better in your life, but why? You always knew that this
is the cycle of life, so why does it seem so important now? Is it some
deity speaking, or is your mind kicking in to sustain your happiness?
Perhaps, it is both? Maybe you are only happy because some part of you wants you to be in order to survive. The fact that the seasons are
following the natural order of things is not the actual reason for your
happiness, but the mind needing you to not become depressed in order to perform its functions… Interesting conundrum…

Yet, it does not speak for the moment of bliss when someone comforts
you. Your mind cannot create that. Perhaps that is the deity? Who
knows?

Aye, well that is enough for today, I think. Now onto Physics and Latin… Joy…

THAT'S RIGHT! I SHOT THE F*CKING SHERIFF! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, BOY!?! HUH?! WHO IN THE HELL CARES IF I DIDN'T SHOOT THAT B!TCH OF A DEPUTY!?

I am thankful for the following:

Good times with friends

Lessons learned and not repeated

The "don't touch it, it's hot" learning method

Being single means you get to flirt a lot

All the beautiful women on the planet

That Sarah will one day rule the world and kill all the ugly nude people but keep her friends alive

The "WTF?!?!" moments that make life tolerable

Stupid songs that make you laugh each and every time

Large guns that God made to defend against the dinosaurs and the homosexuals.

Finally, the thing I am most thankful of: the human body's ability to adapt, overcome, and consume large amounts of alcohol just in case the pervious two don't work so well...

There have been a lot of changes in my life
lately and I kind of welcome them. First off, I am once again seeing another
person. I refuse to call it going out because the term has degenerated down to
the elementary school level; therefore, I am saying 'seeing', which is not
to be confused with an open relationship. The amazing part is that I
finally found a girl that holds true to my abnormally high standards: pure and
Christian (believe it or not that is hard to find now a days). I figured five
months is a clear go ahead on the "I'm over you" gossip line without
having the "He is using her" attached to it, which without a doubt
will still exist but to no avail in the reality domain.

My sister has returned home; I am told is a good thing. Personally, I think she
is cockier than ever now that she has gone through some basic drills and
hand-to-hand combat, but she is mistaken if she thinks she is the only one who
has been training all summer.

I have severely cut back on my hours at work for the moment because I have no
time to myself. I was going to quit entirely but I gave in to my boss and I
said that I would work Saturday mornings.

I have noticed that I have grown by leaps and bounds academically, physically,
and emotionally, though I am sure there still will be faults here and there. I
have finally made all A's! Isn't that amazing!? I, a male, have conquered all
challenges.... Well, that is how I see it, though I am sure Sarah will make
some smart-ass comment that will deflate my head and make my self-esteem lower
again.... *shakes fist* SARAHHH!!! But then again, everyone needs to have a
kick in the go-nads from time to time just to be kept in line.

Fight Club.... Holy Hell.... My new favorite movie.... 10 out of 10... perfect... reminds me of.... me... lol

Where do we get that from anyways? Why is a horse always healthy and a dog extremely sick? Anyways, if you haven't guessed already I am sick. I started feeling sick during lunch time yesterday and I felt horrible in 6th period (thanks for the head rub, sarah). As soon as i got home it hit me completely. I threw-up somewhere around 11 times and a bazillion trips to the bathroom. I started getting back aches during the night and I realized that I had the ACT this morning. Yeah, didn't go because my parents quarrented me. So, I missed out on the ACT and two days of work... I am starting to think this whole sick thing is not so bad. All I have done today is drink water little by little, even though I am still dehydrated because I throw it back up, and watch TV. Its not so bad, I mean I get to be lazy for the first time in forever, truly lazy. The next five hours I think I will carve another walking stick and maybe make a movie run. Idk, even though I feel like crap, this has been a pretty good weekend so far!

People have to be retarded because everyone keeps telling me that I am a great guy. Well, except for Sarah, but she loves me anyways so she is retarded in general (hehe I love you!). Honestly, I am a mean, stick up his ass kind of guy who just does the right thing, and if that makes me a good guy then damn it I will try harder to be a jerk. All these touchy feely freshmen and their gushy lovey dovey feelings. Good thing it is not contagious. Jeeze, people today and thinking I am a good guy. What has the world come to? That is the fifth level of retardation right there.

So ah yeah, I saved someone's life today. I found her on the side of the road just walking around and was scared half to death. Poor girl was starved and you could see her bones through her paper thin coat. I was just walking back to my house after church when some asshole stop his car at a stop sign throw the poor thing out and speed off. I took her home got her some food and water. She was scared of my dogs at first but slowly warmed up to them. She was very thankful and curled up in my arms, not making a sound but I knew she was nonetheless. I gave her a bath and realized that she really like kissing me, granted all puppies do! Yes, it is a little pit bull puppy dog and by the looks of it a few months old. Since I found her I dubbed her "Little-Bit" because that is all she is: a little bit of skin and bones. With a little food and water she will be fine.

I aslo got my senior pictures back from Michael's finally! Those people take so long on the pictures. Anyways, Rachel and I were also in the newspaper about the disaster drill. Rachel was my deaf sister and I was a crazy guy who kept on screaming for his dog named "Shotsy" and also thought he was Luke Skywalker.... Yeah, good times, good times...

So yeah, the past four days, just two basically, cost me $700. I loose my glasses and then my car breaks down.

• New glasses: $270


• New water pump and belt for my car engine: $430


• Senior Pictures: $380


• New Fencing price: $100


• College Applications: $100


• Gas per week: $20


• Being able to leave this town after graduation: Priceless

I am going through some pretty rough times right now with my family, the corps, and my future, and I could use some serious prayer-age right now everyone. Keep me in your prayers, please.

Life has been busy as alway, now. I am finally getting the hang of this BNCO thing. Reeves Rogers was a blast. JROTC ran the MASH tent. All the little kids had a great time getting dressed up in sheets and fake blood. I was told once again that I will make a good father (wtf?!?!) but i just truly don't feel all that comfortable around little ones. I was also told once again that I will make a good husband some day... ice-cube chance in hell? I have not had time to actually do anything for just me in awhile but that is I guess okay considering it keeps me busy anyways. This weekend I have to basically house sit with an old air force pilot so I think that might be fun....

Finally, JROTC is selling candles. Yes, candles and you all must by them from me! I have bet that if I can sell more candles than my entire class they will have to do PT from hell, but if I loose..... I have to dress up like a girl make-up and all for the whole day.... Yeah.... SSOOoo, keep Michael out of a dress and buy some great smelling candles!!!!

P.S. for those who think I have to see thing, I do not look sexy in a dress... or make-up... and I am sure there will be lots of pictures if it does happen.... BUT IT WON'T CAUSE I GOT A SECRET WEAPON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wow, so yeah, school has gone by really fast. It is already the 4th week of the 1st sixweeks and I am already stressed to the point of not sleeping, which makes me cranky (Sorry, Everyone!). JROTC has of course consumed my life but I still manage time for art and English outside of school. I rarely have free time but I am putting my hat back into the dating circle. Yes, that is right, after a little over two months Michael Thoe is going back into the ring for another round. I am a little excited about getting back out there. I probably will take her out to coffee sometime this weekend.

Also this weekend, I am going to go out to coffee again with a college Professor who actually substituted for my art teacher on Wednesday. He is an extremely cool guy and has a Phd in Philosphy of the Humanities or something like that. It is amazing on what he knows and seems like a really neat guy; someone who can tell a good tale or two.

To top off the coolness, I am escorting the ever stylish Trish Fusco for homecoming. I am sure to have a great time with Trish and everyone. Tomorrow night, I am running parking detail at Oakland's Home Football Game. Alright, Ttyl!

Buzzfest was a freakin' blast!!! I HAD SOOOO MUCH FUN! BREAKING BENJAMIN PLAYED ALL OF MY FAVORITE SONGS EVEN THE ONES THAT HAVE NOT BEEN PUT ON ALBUMS!!!!! All the other bands were okay, but I kind of lost interest in them after Breaking Benjamin left. I walk 14.88 miles! My legs feel like they are about to fall off. I saw a lot of people there including: Tony (a guy Callie and her friends hung out with) and Elizabeth, Cory Harper, Katrina, Sara Guilbert and her crew, Matt (an old friend from 7th grade), Brent Carpenetti and his girlfriend, and finally, the ever beautiful Christina Smith. I hung out with them all for at least a little bit. I bought a shirt but I think it is made for a girl... Maybe there is a hidden side to Michael Thoe that no one knew.... NOT!!! Well, actually there is but not that kind of side... Anyways, I am so frickin' tired, so talk to everyone later.

So yeah... I have lost my voice... can't find it anywhere. I think I just have a cold that was triggered by stress, which is okay because I love stress but the effects are bad. Yeah, I was feeling kinda bad today and sure enough, in the middle of interviewing cadets for the new Platoon Sergeant position, I lost my voice and sounded like the God-Father. Yet, it made everyone laugh, so that was good.

The ever wonderful Trish Fusco has agreed to dye my hair. What color? I will leave that up to her.

School is going great, I like all my classes but is it just me or are there even more females at Oakland this year? All my classes seems to be dominated by females. Two of my classes there are only like two or three guys in there including me! It is kinda weird...

Ignorance infuriates me.

  Well, this year looks like a good year. I like my classes, I like my teachers, I've met some nice people (cute girls, too!), I am going to like a buzzillion different things, and.... well... and... I guess that is about it. I almost feel bad about leaving this place at the end of the year, probably without saying goodbye or telling anyone...ALMOST!! Nah, I figure there is a whole world out there that I have yet to see, and as long as the good Lord makes me stay here, I mine as well I go out and see it.

  Life is too short to be taken for granted, especially if you are like me. There is no point in dwelling on the past because you cannot change it. I wait for no one and I expect no one to wait for me. I took a personality test today and learned a lot about myself. It said that I am insensitive to the hardships of others, which to me translates into I don't like to hear people complain. I believe that if you don't like it, change it and everyone has the power to change anything. I am going to have a good year whether my friends do or not. As I said, I wait for no one, if they wish to follow me they can go right ahead but I pave my own way.

  Yet, the thing that stuck out the most on the test was that I do not forgive very easily, which is of course true. Most of the time I'll make the person get down on their hands and knees and beg for forgivenss that tells me that they actually want it and if there heart is truly repentant I will forgive them but I will not allow the same mistake twice, which ironically was another one on the list. I have been forged by those around me and their decisions, the events that have occured in my life whether under my control or not, and simply because this is who I want to be. No man or woman can take any credit to who I have become except perhaps for one other person other than my parents and God. This is my life and I live it as I see fit.

  My manager bought me pizza and soda today. I think really as a going away present because I am cutting back on my hours a lot. He really is a nice guy and tries to help me out as much as he can, and for that I thank him, but some of the advice he gives me is not all that great; after all, he is still human. Buzzfest is going to be a blast of course, and I got my ticket today, finally.I think I am going to pull an all nighter with Jon and go fishing the night before Buzzfest. I probably will do the samething this Friday but I don't know, I haven't really decided yet. Anyways, that is longer than what I originally intended so talk to you all later.

HOLLLYYY HEELLL!!!! Breaking Benjamin's new CD is AWESOME!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! Creed use to be my favorite band but I think Breaking Benjamin has beaten the crap out of Creed's 3 CDs with only two good ones (Breaking Benjamin's first CD wasn't that good...). School starts tomorrow and if I don't fall asleep soon it'll be today. That's right, I am going to take Latin IV (I am determined to learn that blasted language if it drives me insane). Did I mention that I LOVE Breaking Benjamin!!! Oh, I am going to Buzzfest just to go and see them. Yeah, I am going to it with a bunch of girls from the movie theatre right next to where I work. I AM GOING TO HAVE SOOO MUCH FUN LISTENING TO BREAKING BENJAMIN!!! Then I am going to go to Nickelback's concert. That'll be fun, too.

Yup... I was in an accident. No one got hurt. Though, I wish I would have been. Nope just a scratch on the other guys car and a broken headlight thing. Long story and I am not going to type it all.

Alright, so today was my first day back at school for JROTC which went better than I had hoped for. This week is going to be an exciting week for me because of mini-camp and then I select my senior pictures on Saturday. Hopefully, this week will go by smoothly and peacefully (YEAH RIGHT, in MY life there is no such thing). Anyways, looking forward to this week.

Senior picture decisions are as follows:

And one never before seen on the interent:

Well, that's it ladies and gentleman! If you want one just let me know!ttyl

I got my Senior Picture Proofs today!! I think they look really cool! But I cannot decide which four I want. I have narrowed it down to these, but I do not know which ones I want. Any help choosing?

 I pick up my senior pictures early Saturday. Mini-camp starts in about two weeks. I have great friends that I will be able to get to see again. I just can't help but feel like there is something missing from my life.

Yes, ladies and gentleman (actually, just the ladies), I am offically 17. It feels strange reading that...hmmf...Idk... Senior pictures were great! I got to see some of them and I really liked them; can't wait until I get the proofs back! The guys who took my outdoor shots were either just graduated for college or still in undergraduate school. They were really cool. I wanted to take a picture in the water with my swords and tried tp pull some water up from the little stream with my sword for in the pictures. They both thought it was a REALLY cool idea. In fact. the guys both said that they finally got to do something cool instead of the boring senior pictures they normally take. It made me feel really good; plus, they all were complimenting me the whole time like they do everyone else. On top of that, I didn't mind the fact that a few girls there were flirting with me. My mom made me dirt cake,and I have just been playing my new video game all day that my dad got for me for my birthday on Sunday.

Talked to Heather for the first time today since she left for boot camp. I don't know but I guess I am the only person in my family who doesn't miss her. My dad is making me clear out my van and he is going to try and sell it, again. : ^(    I guess there is no sense in holding onto the past.

Tell you what, I am happy during the day but as the sunsets I change. I'm aggressive, extremely more violent, angry for no apparent reason, and yet, slightly depressed, sadden, and increasingly lonely. Maybe it is because the light during the day makes it hard to day dream (yeah, I know it sounds weird but stick to it), where at night the darkness allows my imagination to roam and it tends to dwell on the past.

Well, I guess that's that. ttyl

It's been a while since I updated. Yes, I really am updating at 2:00 o'clock in the morning. I haven't slept in almost two days now and... I've never felt so alone... on the day we celebrate my birthday...

Happy Birthday, Michael, the girl that you have love for two years no longer wants to be with you!

...Happy Birthday too me... Happy birthday too me... Happy Birthday... dear Michael... HAppy birthday to me...  

Okay, a quick update:

• Prom night was GREAT!, next year's prom is going to suck compared to the night I had that night;
  


• I am offically the BNCO for the corps
  


• Kittrell Devil Derby was a success
  


• But the greatest was the "two-year-anniversary" with my angelic girlfriend the night before prom