I was thinkin today,
About our relationship.
And how it use to be,
So filled with happiness, and joy.
And how like everything in my life,
Was starting to fall apart.
I could see this cloud in front of me,
How I could see it in front of me.....

For this cloud hung over me,
So dark and gloomy.
Like the misery thats in my soul.
It wont go away,
It just builds and builds.
Like the misery in my soul....oul...

I had a dream the other day.
It was of a man,
That was filled with loneliness.
For you see this man lived on an island,
use to be so full with people and joy.
And now he has this cloud that hangs over the island,
For you see now hes alone the only one on that island.
And like me his cloud is hangin in front of him.....

For this cloud hung over me,
So dark and gloomy.
Like the misery thats in my soul.
It wont go away,
It just builds and builds.
Like the misery in my soul....oul...

I cant take it anymore,
Im sorry I just gotta let it out.
Some people might call me the devil's advicate,
If they knew how well I could act.
For the pain I just cant take anymore,
Im sorry.....

For this cloud hung over me,
So dark and gloomy.
Like the misery thats in my sould.
It wont go away,
It just builds and builds.
Like the misery thats in my soul.....oul...

I tried to hide from reality,
but it always came back to me.
I put up a mask,
because the world couldn't know.
But it always semmed that they knew,
and threw it in my face.
Is it wrong to not want the world to know?

I gotta get it out,
before it kills me.
I can't hide behind this mask anymore.
Is it alright if I saw it again,
I know it wont change anything.
But I love you,
I care about you.
Oh yes I do.

I guess the world could tell,
they kept bringing you back.
In every relationship I thoght of you,
and what I did.
And what I couldn't change.

I gotta get it out,

before it kills me.

I can't hide behind this mask anymore.

Is it alright if I saw it again,

I know it wont change anything.

But I love you,

I care about you.

Oh yes I do.

I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you,
I never meant to say so much,
to break you in two.
Is it too late to let it out,
to say that you were my firts love,
that ill never let you go.
Too get away from this mask,
that I keep hiding in.
I hide this for so long,
even though I'm sure you knew.
You always did.

I gotta get it out,

before it kills me.

I can't hide behind this mask anymore.

Is it alright if I saw it again,

I know it wont change anything.

But I love you,

I care about you.
Is it alright if I saw it again,
I know it wont change anything.
But I love you,
I care about you.
Oh I love you.

As his step son said, "A Gieft Observed is not an ordinary book. In a sense it is not a book at all; it is, rather, the passionate result of a brave man turning to face his agony and examine it in order that he might further understand what is required of us in living this life in which we have to expect the pain and sorrow of the loss of those whome we love. It is true to say that very few men could have written this book, and even truer to say that even fewer men would have written this book even if they could, fewer still would have published it even if they had written it."

    That is very true and for yal, this book helps a lot for any who feel a loss of any kind greatness or smallness. We all need help sometimes, no matter how big or small. Anything would help to understand and acknowledge how we feel ;or how to resolve ,or more rather help to soothe the situation or feeling to a barebility ( the ability to bare something, may have spelled it wrong if its not a word well its a new one lol.)

    "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid,but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in thestomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

    At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.

    There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don't really mind so much, not so very much, after all. Love is not the whole of a man's life. I was happy before I ever met H. I've plenty of what are called 'resources.' People get over these things. Come, I shan't do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory — and all this 'commonsense' vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.

    On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging it — that disgusts me. And even while I'm doing it I know it leads me to misrepresent H. herself. Give that mood its head and in a few minutes I shall have substituted for the real woman a mere doll to be blubbered over. Thank God the memory of her is still too strong (will it always be too strong?) to let me get away with it.

    For H. wasn't like that atall. Her mind was lithe and quick and muscular as a leopard. Passion, tenderness, and pain were all equally unable to disarm it. It scented the first whiff of cant or slush; then sprang, and knocked you over before you knew what was happening. How many bubbles of mine she pricked! I soon learned not to talk rot to her unless I did it for the sheer pleasure — and there's another red-hot jab — of being exposed and laughed at. I was never less silly than as H.'s lover.

    And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job — where the machine seems to run on much as usual — I loathe the slightest effort. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much. Even shaving. What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth? They say an unhappy man wants distractions — something to take him out of himself. Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he'd rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It's easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.

    Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels — welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in thewindows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all, ' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'

    Our elders submitted and said, 'Thy will be done.' How often had bitter resentment been stifled through sheer terror and an act of love — yes, in every sense, an act — put on to hide the operation?

    Of course it's easy enough to say that God seems absent at our greatest need because He "is absent — non-existent. But then why does He seem so present when, to put it quite frankly, we don't ask for Him?

    One thing, however, marriage has done for me. I can never again believe that religion is manufactured out of our unconscious, starved desires and is a substitute for sex. For those few years H. and I feasted on love, every mode of it — solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes as comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. No cranny of heart or body remained unsatisfied. If God were a substitute for love we ought to have lost all interest in Him. Who'd bother about substitutes when he has the thingitself? But that isn't what happens. We both knew we wanted something besides one another — quite a different kind of something, a quite different kind of want..."

Well I am feelling better. Just had a break down the other day, so but now i feel almost normal. I still feel like something is missing, just like a hole. But maybe it will go away in time there is no true way to know......COMMENT PLEASE

This is a new song I wrote last night...
Its called Callie...


I thought everything was perfect,
But what I didnt know, was what was boiling in your head.
I knew it was coming,
I saw it in your sad green eyes.
I just didnt wanna believe it.
This couldnt me true,
I had to wake myself from this dream.

Because you everything to me,
and I couldnt have you.
You were everything I wanted,
You were everything I wanted.

What I saw that night,
Was what I didnt wanna see.
But I knew it,
When I looked into those sad green eyes.
I wanted for you to talk to me,
But you held it together so long.
I had to wake myself fromt his dream.
This couldnt be true.
I just didnt wanna belive it.

Because you everything to me,
and I couldnt have you.
You were everything I wanted,
You were everything I wanted.

Can you feel the stillness in the air,
Can you feel the heavyness of my breathe.
Do you see the sadness in my eyes.
Do you feel my loneliness,
Without you by my side.

Because you weere everything to me,
and I couldnt have you.
You were everything I wanted,
Because you were everything to me,
and I counldnt have you.
You were everything to me,
and I couldnt have you.
You were everything I wanted,
You were everything,
I wanted.

I feel like killing myself tonight!! Im in a really deep depression. Something just happened and it shattered my heart or whats left of it. Its like the song by Nich Lachey "Whats left of me". And this song as well:

You brought that bottle home in a paper sack


you Drew the blinds and locked the doors


And there's nothing but empty there inside that glass


So you pour a little more


And there's no one there to judge you


At least that's what you tell yourself, but



Chorus:


Don't you know


Nobody drinks alone


Every demon, every ghost


From your past


And every memory you've held back


Follows you home


Nobody drinks alone



You remember whiskey on your daddy's breath


So you always stick to wine


And you scared your little brother half to death


You just kept it all inside


You can hear your mama cryin'


Only now she cries for you, and



Don't you know


Nobody drinks alone


Every demon, every ghost


From your past


And every memory you've held back


Follows you home


Nobody drinks alone



Though you're lonely


Hey don't you let that feelin' fool ya



(

Chorus:


Don't you know


Nobody drinks alone


Every demon, every ghost


From your past


And every memory you've held back


Follows you home


Nobody drinks alone



Nobody drinks alone

Basically I just feel like shit. Like my whole life ,or whatever there is of it,is now gone. Maybe im exagerating but thats how i feel I feel like basically someone pulled my heart out such as at YL camp they talked about. And as soon as I let them hold it in there hands and let my guard down and let them in they throw it back at me. I know to the person that did this it isnt doing justice. Shes a sweet girl amazing. Beautiful I felt like God really sent me the best he had ever made. She was everything I ever wanted. As one line of Vertical Horizons songs say "Shes everything you ever wanted".  And to be honest like always I see the signs. I knew the magic was lost. I knew we were falling apart. I just didnt want to believe it. I mean like everyone. I just didnt want to believe that this amazing girl wasnt supposed to last. I feel like what the fuck God why even allow her to date me or to wanna date me if this is all that will happen. I mean why? And I know he has a plan but I mean why do this why let her break my heart into pieces as Lynkan(sp) Park says in a line. I just dont know she was amazing she has definetly though been the best I ever had which is a song as well. I just dont know!!!

ITS MY BIRTHDAY I AM 18!! HELL YES!!

Oh......Mm......Oh....
What am I doin' here,
Why do I feel like this?
It's not like I haven't done this before,
Whats wrong with me?

What am I doin' here,
What the hell am I thinking?
Why is my arm around your waist,
Why are my lips kissing yours?
What am I doin' here,
What the hell am I thinking?
Well isn't it obvious,
I'm thinkin' of you!

I'm glad that I went to the movies that night,
And I'm glad that they were all sold out.
Would we have walked around that night,
Would you fallin' asleep on that couch next to me?
Why do i feel like this,
It's not like I haven't done this before!


What am I doin' here,
What the hell am I thinking?
Why is my arm around your waist,
Why are my lips kissing yours?
What am I doin' here,
What the hell am I thinking?
Well isn't it obvious,
I'm thinkin' of you!

I pinch myself everyday,
Just to make sure your mine.
Why is my arm around your waist,
Why are my lips kissing yours?
Well isn't it obvious.
Well isn't it obvious,
I'm thinkin' of you.

What am I doin' here,
What the hell am I thinking?
Why is my arm around your waist,
Why are my lips kissing yours?
What am I doin' here,
What the hell am I thinking?
Well isn't it obvious,
I'm thinkin' of you!

You brought that bottle home in a paper sack

you Drew the blinds and locked the doors

And there's nothing but empty there inside that glass

So you pour a little more

And there's no one there to judge you

At least that's what you tell yourself, but


Chorus:

Don't you know

Nobody drinks alone

Every demon, every ghost

From your past

And every memory you've held back

Follows you home

Nobody drinks alone


You remember whiskey on your daddy's breath

So you always stick to wine

And you scared your little brother half to death

You just kept it all inside

You can hear your mama cryin'

Only now she cries for you, and


Don't you know

Nobody drinks alone

Every demon, every ghost

From your past

And every memory you've held back

Follows you home

Nobody drinks alone


Though you're lonely

Hey don't you let that feelin' fool ya


(
Chorus:

Don't you know

Nobody drinks alone

Every demon, every ghost

From your past

And every memory you've held back

Follows you home

Nobody drinks alone


Nobody drinks alone

* I am glad that he is always there whenever I get like this!!*

  "Tonight"
                Written by Jason Courtoy

(PAUSE)

Tonight

(PAUSE)

Tonight

(PAUSE)

Tonight these tears wanna fall down like rain,
around my eyes.
I dont know what to do,
for you see it happened so long ago.

(PAUSE)

The only solution that I know of is...
To drown away my sorrows,
till the bottle is empty.
And Ive forgotten about it.
But what am I to do about these problems I have,
For the only solution that I know of is...
To drown away my sorrows...
Tonight.

(PAUSE)

I dont know why I let you go,
for you were everything to me.
The only reason that I had was,
that you wanted him. (PAUSE) And I wanted out.
The funny thing is that I could have fixed it,
for you begged and pleaded for weeks.
For me to take you back.
Maybe I deserve it.

(PAUSE)

But the only solution that I have is...
To drown away my sorrows,
till the bottle is empty.
And Ive forgotten about you.
But what am I to do about these problems I have,
For the only solution that I have is...
To drown away my sorrows...
Tonight.

This is how I feel tonight....... Maybe the person it is about knows who they are, but they probably dont....

"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Keith Urban


Alone in this house again tonight

I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walkin' away

[Chorus:]

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry


Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

[Chorus:]

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

[Chorus:]

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

I finally finished it tell me what you think guys should I try to record it. Get a copyright. lol. But tell me what you think. and what you think its about??

Imagine a man pure as the sun,
Walking through a world covered in filthy.
Looking left and right he is,
Scared of what he must do.

Look at yourselves now,
And what your doing.
Are you listening to him,
Or just doin the same old things.

Pay a heed to his life,
Its the way yours should be like.
Have you got the story right,
Or is it just a big mistake.

He's gone through a lot of things,
He's been tried, mocked and laughed at.
All because they dont wanna know what he like,
Or what he knows.
Is this the same for you.

Look at yourselves now,
And what your doing.
Are you listening to him,
Or just doin the same old things.

Pay a heed to his life,
Its the way yours should be like.
Have you got the story right,
Or is it just a big mistake.

He paid for your life,
With the life of his own.
Are you gonna just turn your back,
And act like he didnt do it.
I hope you dont.

Look at yourselves now,
What are you doing.
Are you paying attention to him,
Or just playin the same old game.

I wrote this part last night im not done but tell me what you think of it???

Imagine a man pure as the sun,
Walking through a world covered in filthy.
Looking left and right he is,
Scared of what he must do.

Look at yourselves now,
And what your doing.
Are you listening to him,
Or just doin the same old things.

Pay a heed to his life,
Its the way yours should be like.
Have you got the story right,
Or is it just a big mistake.

'T is true, 't is certain' man though dead retains,
Part of himself: the immortal mind remains.
                                       --Alexander Pope
               

To me millions of people need to learn from this song. I think this is a very big statement about peoples reacts and why us as Christians, well not just us Christians just human beings in general should do things just to say, "Hey Im not going to be changed by you!" because we all know that millions of people say this and excuse my language because you know people would say this, "Why the hell are you doing that your not going to change anything their still going to do it?"  But ponder on this song by Garth Brooks you can learn a bunch of things from it.



Garth Brooks- The Change( For September 11th)

One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It’s like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm.

(chorus)
And I hear them saying you’ll never change things and no matter
What you do it’s still the same thing
But it’s not the world that I am changing I do this so this
World will know that it will not change me.

This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist.
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It’s like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss.

*chorus*
As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone.

*chorus*
What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me

A deeper look into the Chronicles of Narnia, and what a lot of children and adults should get out of it: So, who is Aslan? In the last chapter of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Lucy, Edmund and Eustace travelt o the Very End of the World where they meet a lamb who suddenly changes into the lion, Aslan. As he talks to the children, Aslan reveals that he is not just in Narnia but in our world as well. "But there," he says, "I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. THis is the very reason why you were brought into Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there..."

    When a young girl from America wrote to Jack to ask what name Aslan used in our world, he replied: As to Aslan's other name, well, I want you to guess. Has there ever been anyone in this world who Arrived at the same time as Father Christman? Said he was the Son of the Great Emperor? Gave himself up for someone else's fault to be jeered at and killed by wicked people? Came to life again? Is somtimes spoken of as a lamb? Don't you really know his name in this world?
    "Its a funny thing," Jack wrote two days before he dided, " that all the children who have written to me see at once who Aslan is, and grown-ups never do!"

Why do those friends or aquantances the ones that you expect to be there whenever you need them. Those that you conjure that they wouldnt let anything anyone thought would happen to the friendship.

"God spoke, or rather sang, our world into existence."

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger, Strike the bell and bide the danger, Or wonder, till it drives you mad, What would have followed if you had."

"We live in and enemy-occupied country, and that is what this world is."

"But do not be cast down," "Evil will come of that evil, but it is still a long way off, and I will see to it that the worst falls upon myself."

"Christianity agrees with Dualism that this universe is at war. But it does not think this is a war between independent powers. It thinks it is a civil war, a rebelion, and that we are living in a part of the universe occupied by the rebel. Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage."

"You shall find your heart's desire but you will find despair along with it."

Well im gettin a new graphic card a ATI RADEON 9600 I have a ATI ALL IN WONDER 8500. So itll be a lot faster refreshing rate and graphic speed. And im sure a lot of yal dont know what the hell im talkin about but whatever lol. and im tryin to get a new motherboard by the time i go to college. and a computer tower case. well g2g to work bye

Read this and tell me what you think...Still dont have a title yet..And might still need work

I dont know why you dont see me there.
Maybe its you maybe its me?
Maybe its something I did or you didnt.
I dont know the reason,
All I know is im right there.

Roger to the station,
You just dont get the picture.
Its like space into the world,
Its like water into wine.
You just got to have faith.
Cus Im there.

I still dont know why you dont see me there.
You share your stories,
when im the next chapter.
Its like a brick wall,
you just dont see me there.

Roger to the station,
You just dont get the picture.
Its like space into the world,
Its like water into wine.
You jsut got to have faith,
Cus Im there.

Ive drunk into the bottle,
till the world went away.
You dont want to go there,
when im right here baby.
But you just dont see it.

Roger to the station,
You just dont get the picture.
Its like space into the world,
Its like water into wine.
You just got to have faith.
Cus Im here right next to you.