http://www.coloradoan.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071209/UPDATES01/71209024

 

Terrible tragedy kept from being worse by a trained woman with a gun. 

That's what I want to know...

Listen to me, even if you hate or love me, if you have become disappointed or excited about what I have to say.  Listen to me, not because of my wisdom, not because of my understanding of all life matters, but because I have thought about these things.  Most people listen to people all the time who have no thoughts about what they're saying.  If you have the time to listen to such vacuous thoughts, why would you refuse to listen to the worthwhile?  Alas, such are the times.

 

Listen to me: you can't save yourself.  Your purpose is not a job.  It's not education.  It's not the "Sunday School" answers you've been fed thus far.  America has lied to you.  That attractive person you saw doesn't matter.  That party you wanted to attend doesn't matter.  Don't bother losing yourself because you haven't tried probably and you probably don't understand what it means.  All you alternative kids, you're just as vapid as the preppy kids, so can it.

 

No matter how hard you try, you can't save yourself.  You're not immortal in yourself.  Every dime you spend on stuff here will eventually be worthless.  But you can save others.  Yes, you can save others.  Every person in middle class America is concerned with the struggle, but there isn't one.  Every Christian is concerned with God's will, but if you were really concerned about God's will, you'd help the people who really needed help.  You would witness.  You would care for the sick and the needy, and quite frankly, very few of you have scratched the surface of what that means.  Neither have I.

 

I'm the greatest hypocrite among you.  Why?  I've had everything handed to me from birth with very little bad experience and still managed to totally screw things up.  But God, in His infinite wisdom, had a plan.  You see, every bad thing you've been through had a purpose.  You ask God why, but the answer is a clear as day.  You cry at your church that your friends are going to hell, but you haven't done one thing to lift an ounce of suffering from the collective dying.  You whine and complain to God that your relationships aren't good enough, that that guy/girl you dated dumped you and that was unfair.  WELL, get over it.  Yeah, that's right: get over it.  I'm mean because I can be.  I'm controversial because I have to be to get your attention, and I'm getting your attention because the church is dying.  Screw this well my church is gaining more members crap!  It's just shifting from church to church because your parents (or you) can't deal with the fact that there are people in the world who get fired for being stupid.  The church is dead, and it's been that way for a while.

 

Wake up.  Who is hungry?  Who is needy?  Wake up, Chris Harrelson.  Wake yourself up.  You've been sleeping for a long time.  Think twice the next time you buy that cd, or that dvd, or that pair of shoes.  Think, "Where else could I spend this money?"  Think, "Who really needs this?"  To whom could you give your time?  For whom could you clean?  Who could you save?

 

Save others...because you can not save yourself... 

So far, my schedule's had classes added twice, and I seemed to have done pretty well.  Unfortunately, I get this great feeling of being overwhelmed even when I'm not so that I'm stressed out over what is, essentially, unknown and, probably, not as difficult as I think will be.  It's learning to balance such ideas as contentment and caution with where I am that's proven so tedious a task after what I've been through the past three years.

 

But God is so good, and, at moments like the Ramp on Thursday, He reminds me that I'm not alone, that He's gone before me, and that He knows of what I need even before I ask.  It's these times that the quiet times are more precious than anything else.

For the three people who'll actually read this post, the one that comments will probably say something to the effect of "Suck it up, and introduce yourself."  However, I'm not necessarily asking for advice, or a critique, but rather for somewhere to be heard.  Blogging is probably one of the dumber things for people to do.  Most of the time, people gripe about their own problems day and day out, and after dealing with depression, I decided to stay away as much as possible from that kind of thinking/posting.

I just feel that none of the relationships I have have any intimacy--that is, not the physical kind--to the extent I keep looking for relationships to fill the gaps of ones gone by, especially at Lee.  But with my scars from depression, I feel I've gained an even more unsightly and ungainly characteristic of added self-consciousness combined with a lack of confidence.  Introductions are awkward, and even if they aren't, they're usually followed by my brand of humor in the attempt to entertain someone into liking me.  People have noticed the entertainer being successful, but where are those people who've been entertained?  I feel lonely most of the time, like I just keep giving and giving without any hope of return, unrequited love for the masses as it were.  You might criticize me for my lack of action, but I have tried.  I am trying to break in.  I just need a way to stay there.

I want to ask you all a favor.  Please pray for me that I will be diligent in God's will.  Support me with your songs to God.

I'm not dating for a year, or possibly longer.  If you want to know why and have my number, you can just call me.  Otherwise, you can private message me, I guess, and I might answer you.

HBO is showing a documentary titled "White Light/Black Rain: The Destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki" this week (at least for the past two days).  If you can, I strongly suggest you see it.  The filmmakers interview several Japanese survivors of the destruction of the two atomic bombs.  It's an amazing, touching movie.

For all of you who didn't get the memo, I don't condone dogfighting, cockfighting, or any other kind of forced animal fighting.  But I am a libertarian, so by definition, I believe that less government is better.  That would naturally extend to animal rights laws.  If an animal has the status of "property", it's the owner's rights to do with that property as they wish.  The lamp example is not meant to discount the suffering capacity of animals, but to explain a similar scenario in which property can be misused in a similar moral infraction and our natural reaction.  The government shouldn't legislate a particular brand of morality.

 

For anyone who strongly disagrees, I'd invite to go to youtube and watch "Meet Your Meat".  Now, if PETA were in charge, what would the result be based on moral legislation? 

In response to your remark, because the Constitution says that all men are created equal, and not all species, slavery is illegal.  Some slaves were treated quite well, but with slavery, treatment wasn't the issue.  Rather, we came to agree--While forcibly, it was rightly so--that colored people, being people, had the same rights as the white people in rule at that time.  It's not a question of treatment of property, but status.  Dogs have a property status: men and women don't.
The other argument you had is commonly used by the PETA crowd--that animals suffer and therefore should be morally immune from certain treatment.  First of all, how do you know when an animal suffers and exactly how it does?  I mean, you could guess, but you would never really know because you could never thoroughly communicate with the animal.  Second, why give preferential treatment to dogs?  Cockroaches feel, theoretically, and by your argument should be granted the same treatment.  However, no sane person likes cockroaches: they're vermin.  Same with rats.  Rats carry disease, defecate frequently, and scatter pieces of trash.  Likewise, they feel, but no sane person loves rats.  So if we agree that some species deserve elimination or serious restriction, what basis are we arguing from that says one species feels more than another?  It's simply subjective morality.

There seems to be some tendency to try to "humanize" animals.  You'll hear voice-overs on some animal show explaining the details of how chimps (or such the like) are so amazingly close to humans.  But even if you believe in Evolution, you have to agree that chimps are nowhere close.  They haven't built cities; they haven't begun wars; and they really can't consider the implications of their actions.  They certainly have compared and contrasted their intellect with other species or have begun to synthesize their own brains.  Do dogs feel bad when they attack a human?  When tigers eat little children do they stop and think should I do this?  It's not considerably evident if they do.

I started this post knowing I'd probably get some flack for it, but the opposition (namely, veganism), however well-meaning, seems terribly misguided. 

Let's say I bought a lamp for $100.00. While you think my money could probably have been spent better elsewhere, you understand that I have a right to use my money for whatever I want.  Now, I take this lamp to my house for the specific purpose of dropping it from a ladder.  Well, that would be dumb, now wouldn't it?  After all, wastefulness is a moral infraction.  But it's my right, for it is my property.  So I do it anyway.  Would you call the cops and imprison me for destroying my property, or would you respectfully disagree and maybe consider pursuing another friendship--especially one less stupid?

 

Why is Michael Vick's alleged dogfighting ring any different?  They paid for the dogs involved.  Sure, it's a stupid expenditure, but I'm sure we all have those.  I don't agree with dogfighting, but I feel like people have the right to do with their property as they so choose.

...is to realize you might not ever be able to solve it.  I don't think I can say it any better than that.  We must hobble around on the crutch of mercy and grace because mercy and grace is what we need, even when we feel self-sufficient.  The pain we suffer and the mistakes we make are not necessarily a tangent, but a part of the main life experience.  Hope ya'll understand...

A lot of things have been running through my mind lately.  A lot of things.  In fact, you could almost say that this week's been sorta depressing just due to all my concerns.  I am excited about getting back to school; but, the closer the thought comes to being a reality, the more my residual fears creep back to haunt whatever it is I'm doing.  I just have a lot of anxiety...and a lot--you guessed it--of Why God?'s.  It never fails: one good moment tossed away into oblivion by the casual thought or fantasy, whether actually good or bad.  But I'm trying.  Those times in Appointed lying face down on the floor in the presence of God help.

 

I hope to someday understand God like those men of the Bible like Enoch, Elijah, Moses, and David...and Jesus, of course.  I want to attain that level of faith.  Right now, I'm stuck on old things, not even bad things, just old.  I want to know what things will carry on and what won't, as well as why.  Why God do I have still have these feelings?  Why God can I just let it go?  What do I focus on God?  I need Your help and Your wisdom to guide me.

 

BTW, Randy, that part of the poem means something a little differently than what it seems to say. 

All you who tease me
Never once think to please me,
But maybe that's the problem.
I'm Fatuously romantic,
A rotunda, great hall of emptiness,
Lost hopes and dreams.
That other person beside
My pillow, arms around me,
Give me a reason to sing.
I don't care about "God's will";
I just need someone to touch me,
And be honest and clear.
Let me know your intention,
Innocence fragile bloom.

We're all doomed to attraction,
But what about loneliness attrition?
I don't need your sex.
I just want your wanting to be with me.

So I'm not much of a pop punk fan, what with bands like Fall Out Boy and Silverstein not being particularly creative or fastidious (especially with some of FOB's live shows).  That doesn't mean I can't appreciate the hot chick every now and then.  Paramore's lead woman Hayley Williams fits the bill in both aspects

 

"Gentlemen, behold!" 

 

 

Falling on my knees in worship,
Giving all I am to seek Your face,
Lord, all I am is Yours.
My whole life I place in Your hands.
God of mercy, humbled, I bow down
In Your presence, at Your throne.
I called, You answered,
And You came to my rescue.
And I want to be where You are.
In my life, be lifted high.
In our world, be lifted high.
In our love, be lifted high.

God, why do you anger me?
Why do you keep things from me?
Help me understand my own ways;
Help me understand Your ways.

For years, I've fostered anger,
But in recent months, left it to You;
Do You bring it back to me?

God, why do you frustrate me?
God, why does my second-greatest sin
Become compounded with events
You alone control?
Why do You tell me things
By which I should not be distracted,
Yet raise them up against me
To my own humiliation?

Why are these people in my life?
Why are those people absent?
What plan prepares a way
Such as the way the present seems?

I have so many questions for You
That You know, that you hold;
Why do You not answer?
Why do You hide Yourself from me?

Or have I hid myself from You?

I've stayed for Your presence,
But situations fell upon me.
In my weakness, I fell upon
The sackcloth and the ashes
In my shame and under Your watch.

Have you abandoned me, O God?

God, why are these in my path?
Are they distractions? Are they promises?
You hold my life in Your palm,
But do You want to crush me?

God, come and rescue me;
Be a source of light in my life.
Be my shield and my friend.
Be a mentor and admonish me
To walk in Your ways,
And against the world's ways.

 

Please explain to me Your plan;
Give me clues to Your will.
I lack faith, and I lack trust.
Please, God, remind me of Your promises.

In Jesus' name, Amen

So lately, my younger sister and I have started watching this anime series "Death Note," and honestly, it's turning out to be one of the best anime series I've seen, despite the lack of drawn-out fighting.  It's really surpassed my expectations.  Ya'll should check it out if you're into anime at all.  I watch it a veoh (like youtube, but better).

Planned Parenthood is threatening to sue a college student because she taped a conversation with PP as she posed as a 15 year-old impregnated by a 23 year-old (a reportable statutory rape) and was advised to lie about her age.  Just google "Planned Parenthood UCLA," and you'll see what I mean.  What morons...

Well, it's another apologetic explanatory time, although I'm not sure the people who need to hear these words the most will listen.  But here's the deal: I'm imperfect and have long admitted to that fact.  And then there's God's love and His peace which passes all human understanding.

Most of you Bible readers out there are probably familiar with the story of the wicked servant--you know, the one that owes the king millions of dollars.  Likewise, you know, that upon begging for forgiveness to the king, the servant gets his debt expunged from the record.  Then he turns and incarcerates someone who owes him mere pennies.  The other servants tell the king about this, and the wicked servant faces judgment.  It's one of the best parables in the Bible, and it gives us a clear understanding of how we should be gracious of the mercy given to us.

Fast-forward to today, where I read these words...

For the record, he's not my friend. The last time I talked to him, he

suggested dumping my crying baby in a trashcan so he wouldn't have to
be quiet at my in-laws' house. I don't care how much nicer he gets; I'm
never going to like him, I'm never going to respect him, and I'm never
going to consider him a friend.


I get a little snippy when it comes to my child.

People may take this entire post the wrong way, but it really doesn't matter.  This comment comes at a very peculiar time in my life, one in which I'm trying so desperately to learn how to forgive others, and myself.

A few years ago, I heard a rumor; I heard specifically from someone's mouth that my friend was sleeping in the same bed with his girlfriend at the time.  I wondered about it, and I resolved to ask the friend himself.  First serious, he explained to me how it did not seem wrong to sleep in the same bed with a woman with whom he was not married.  After all, he assured me that nothing physical had gone on, and much more, he admonished me not to slip about it in front of his parents.  Still, he wanted peace, and I granted it foolishly.  However, I did warn him to be very careful.  He agreed.

A few months later, things were bumpier and getting worse for me.  In a practice for a ensemble, this same friend became sullen with some news.  He was going to be the father of child his girlfriend was carrying.  Knowing our customs in the Assemblies of God, it came as a shock to some possibly, but I remained silent.  They married, and things seemed to fly smoothly for them from my perspective.

He told a mutual friend of ours that he wanted to make sure that I was positive he did not lie.  His girlfriend and he were not doing anything at the time I spoke to him.  He even got around to telling me once.  Instead of exposing my feelings about the situation, my tongue lay dormant, a rare occurence.

I've thought, even through all I've been through, what a slap in the face. Especially now, when some of my high school friends won't even talk to me after bearing their souls to me only two years ago, I felt the sting of someone who called me his friend but did not listen to me in the least.  How much more when I call him after all this time to be told in a mostly genial conversation that I'm hardheaded above all things did these thoughts frustrate me!  So I prayed to God to help me forgive others!

Now, I say a lot of stupid things, and at times today, I had evil desires to show that friend what I was made of, telling him of that hurt.  Lord willing, I'll always keep those thoughts to myself and will pray for forgiveness when needed.  I must forgive.  God must become greater in my life than any problem I have or any wrong others have done to me.  When rage comes, I must subdue it under the authority of an Almighty God.  I'm serious.  If you readers only knew the anger I've kept, you would hardly speak to me, but I'm saying that I must control all of that.

I've said some stupid things.  She's right: I did suggest that her baby be thrown in a dumpster.  How imposing I thought at the time that he and she with their sick child come to a place where they knew a substantial group of people would be.  Even if for family's sake, they could have come later or kindly asked us to move.  Instead, we received harsh words for being too loud, which seemed fairly relative at the time.  So, in my anger, I said something harsh, sarcastically belittling her frustration that she couldn't make her child's sickness magically disappear, what any loving parent wishes for.

The problem with anger is that it assumes too much on one end while knowing too much on the other.  We know our feelings about such and such and assume the other person's just attacking us.  But that's not the case, especially in this case.  I would have attacked anyone who came through that door angry with the people in the room.  Heck, I was angry at the world at the time and also with myself.  I could go into a further explanation but I hope this should suffice.

I'm sorry for what I said.  It was said in the heat of the moment to be semi-clever to mask feelings of general hostility waging war within myself.  I ask for your forgiveness and your husband's as well.  I also forgive you both for what misunderstandings we've had.

These words are the truth, and I can do no less.