Trust issues....again

January 22 2006

Well kiddies, The Kid is a mess. My life is upside down....and just this morning I tried to remember when I last felt like I was completely loss in a familiar world. And I remembered....

The summer of 2003 changed my life forever in so many ways that I could spend the rest of my days naming how that guy before no longer exists on so many levels. I was in love and knew it. I had been saving my money for months and months, eating gas station food for lunch every day and working 50+ hours a week not to mention taking 18 hours a semester so I could graduate in 3 years....all for her. And on hot summer night, two weeks before I supposed to propose; she just ended it....and just like that the life I had been building with her since I was 15 was over. I was so lost, I couldn't even remember the guy I was before I had met her....I did the worst thing I could do: let my life be defined by us but more by her.

After a few more stupid things I did that summer, the sleepless nights and endless days finally caught up with me. I was at the lowest point of my life, I needed a change. So what did I do? I picked up my things and ran away. I transfered halfway across the country to a place where I didn't know a soul. But it got so bad I couldnt' wait for the fall to come, so I ran away and hit the road for six weeks trying to find the guy that somewhere inside of me that didn't need someone standing next to me. I found him though...I found someone that is his own man and knows exactly what he wants and does everything in his power to go after it. But I also found a person that had a serious downfall, a person that always has a chip on his shoulder from what happened. A person that lacks the innocence that I yearn for above anything else.

The only reason why I even thought about writing all this down is because I'm at a loss again but the worse part is, I have no where to run this time. So much of me wants to confront and express but my heart might not be able to take the heartbreak that is coming undoubtedly. Stuck. So I was wondering what the 14 year-old Joey would have done? Well, its simple: he would have followed his heart and spoke what he was feeling a long time ago because he just didn't know better. My problem is on a level of complexity that it astounds me, but at the same time is the most simple of things in the world. The real question is: Can I look myself in the mirror the rest of my life if I choose not to live this time......

"We're never too young die, and we're never too old to live." -     J. Moore


January 22 2006
you sound so unhappy lately. i really hate that.