Country Prime Foods
January 26 2012
DT Metro Sedan - Airport Transportation
December 17 2011
Casey Mahoney Brad P Thoughts on life
November 09 2011
Hi! People are in a rush all the time.People need to slow down and relax and enjoy life.
You have to enjoy life,but you to do have to kill yourself to obtain all the finer things in life
Casey Mahoney Brad P
Casey Mahoney Brad P Thoughts On Occupy Protest
October 20 2011
I think the protest is ok to a certain level.Many cities are occuring extreme cost for police overtime.Many protestors are shutting down businesses that little people run.
I have mixed feelings towards this
Casey Mahoney Brad P Thoughts On Life
October 20 2011
Hi! People take life for granted. You have to enjoy life while you can.you have to take many risks to get rewarded in life. People need to break out of their shell and have fun
Casey Mahoney Brad P
Casey Mahoney Brad P Thoughts
October 11 2011
Why does everybody worry on how much they have to have in life? People have to have the best cars.jewelry and so on.
We need to stop and look around us and really take it in.Is having all that worth it and being in debt??
Thanks Casey Mahoney Brad P
Casey Mahoney And Brad P Thoughts
October 03 2011
Hi! We all need to enjoy life everyday.Many people take things for granted.You have to thankful for what you have.People do not need fancy cars an huge houses to feel fullfilled.
Thanks Brad P Mahoney
Casey Mahoney And Brad P Thoughts
October 03 2011
Hi! We all need to enjoy life everyday.Many people take things for granted.You have to thankful for what you have.People do not need fancy cars an huge houses to feel fullfilled.
Thanks Brad P Mahoney
Feng Shui and a woman, Chen mystery of life four
August 01 2011
Chen before his death mystery behind the four
Ni side six authors
Recently went to Anqing, Anqing also is that the thing with it.
Guo 璞说 mainland China 风水Anqing is the place, "Yicheng land,"Anqing does not generally, in modern Chinese history was a powerful place. According to the traditional view, good feng shui areas of talent, a lot of Anqing really big man - its principal founder, first to the fifth Central Committee General Secretary Mr. Chen Duxiu is Anqing people. In the northern suburb of Anqing Chen cemetery there - alone show Park, Anqing, one of the important tourism cultural landscape.
Chen's life is full of twists and turns, can be described as spectacular, the ups and downs; sad tragic strong, desolately. Their lifetime and there are four behind the mystery, rather the value of a chat.
Figure: Chen statue park alone show
First, the "no Jackie Chan, it becomes a snake," the mystery
Chen from the urine is unusual, their grandfather had predicted, "This child grew up, is not Jackie Chan, it becomes a snake." Throughout Chen's life, it really is in the transformation between the snakes.
October 9, 1879, Chen was born in Anqing camp north of the city called after the place, this is a landlord family. Less than two years old, his father died in Chen Yan in Suzhou will Huaining Hall, missing father. Chen grew smart, thoughtful. Chen Xu grandfather was a traditional Confucian literati, can Man sensible, locally known as "white Hu daddy." Bai Hu predicted his dad will come from the grandson of interest, but they might also be nothing, getting himself into a king, so he's very strict. Chen in the "real Um autobiography," he recalled, "I from six to eight or nine, are grandfather taught me to read, I grew a little clever, but this little clever, but the harm done to me my big brother school, he never great attention, only that I fancy, wait for me one year to the Four Books, Five Classics are finished, he said the Italian. "
"Go into the examination room put an ass, but also for the ancestors Zhengkou Qi." Chen really disappointing, Guangxu two years (AD 1896), even the first comprehensive examination of the local name of scholar. But then he failed to pass the examination, exams and scholar of the following year, Chen and brother went to Nanjing to participate in the provincial examinations, the final defeat and go - there is no dragon, snake states do now.
But is this trip to Nanjing, life has changed Chendu Sheng - Chen Qing Empire did not become a "dragon", has become a revolutionary party "Dragon."
Later, things we all know, Chen became the New Culture Movement founder and leader, Mao Zedong, the image of the May Fourth Movement, said he is "commander in chief." In 1920, Chen founded the first Communist Party in Shanghai, became a founder of the Communist Party of China. In the CPC to five on a large, elected as general secretary, a Chinese paramount leader.
Chen's position in the heyday of the party, according to this development, Chen when a "true sons of the dragon" may not be impossible, but he found guilty of the Right opportunist errors, the CPC held in 1927 on the August 7th Meeting, to be withdrawn the general secretary post - "Dragon" has transformed into a "snake", until May 1942 when the Sichuan Jiangjin in "home living" in illness, failed to turn over.
Figure: Chen cemetery within the large arch, with Sun Yat-sen in Nanjing before the "love Square" is very similar, is said to like to do.
Second, the "prostitution" of the mystery
"Sisexingye" Chen is the person, sex is no denial. However, the same prostitution, celebrities and non celebrities is not the same, "prostitution" has now become Chen's life is not open around one of the keywords. Moreover, because Chen the so-called "prostitution", but she was the Chinese revolution has changed the trend of history, some scholars say.
That being said, this is probably the most politically significant in Chinese history a "prostitution", the incident in 1919, "May Fourth Movement," more than a month before the outbreak, when Beijing's top entertainment newspaper than it is now also tabloid gossip, the exposure Chen Badahutong prostitution in the lace, but also points out "due to the lower part by principal scratched a prostitute," the dirty details.
This is terrible, Chen was the university liberal arts seniors, the university has been rare celebrity whoring, and that prostitution is unheard, the quasi-academicians than today, "sperm" is also a sensation. According to public information, March 26, 1919 news hit the papers, the university president and two other university faculty Cai Shen Yinmo, Ma Xulun, president of Medical College in Beijing, Seoul and soup at home, temporarily meet to discuss the issue of Chen's study the fate of . Tsai Yuan-pei to adjust the body's way of finally repealing "Mentor" system, to dispense with a decent liberal arts seniors Chen post. Chen was able to gracefully leave the university, rather than later so-called "dismissal" one said.
Leave the university, and the impact of the blow to Chen's deep imagined. That year, Chen also illusions of liberalism, is not completely left. New Culture Movement was one of the leaders of the Hu said Chen after the Chinese Communist Party and left the university to create a direct relationship between the "single show at the university, popular with Bangladesh and the impact I have, it will not be very left-leaning. To leave the university after the show alone, gradually from the liberal position, a more left-leaning. "
Chen is prostitution a year? Is still difficult to explain things. Hu believes that this is tabloid nonsense, Chen was framed: "and" digging injury under the body of a prostitute 'who to see? And now think of, not at the value of an amusement? Private behavior was attacked by outsiders own, obviously new ideas to attack the North as a means of a few leaders, but gentlemen can not separate the private behavior and public behavior, appropriate patients in the fall Men Do not Cry. "
Figure: Chen cemetery within the huge "New Youth" sculpture, the book is said to be the largest sculpture
Third, and sister, "run away" the mystery of
Prostitution Quqie, this is a Chen bureaucratic literati of that era a common behavior when it occurs in other people would not have anything, but who appeared in Chen, then bad again. "Prostitution" has to Chen's image and self-esteem has been severely damaged; next and sister "run away", not only failed to defend the freedom of marriage in exchange for the Chen model for reputation, but let him carry a violation of human relations and moral hypocrite black disaster.
Chen lives in the marriage, had three sections, namely, three female high Hillview wife, free association and to accompany the high degree of Man Jun rest of the Pan Lanzhen. Among them, high-Hillview, and high-Jun Man is half-sisters, fathers who were named to the public and a small minority, that is, Man is a high-Jun Chen's sister.
Chen scholar's name in the first year, to propose marriage matchmaker flocked to Chen, such as a river carp, and finally the high command of Chen Anqing mother choose the eldest daughter of the high Hillview later in life to do their own daughter, also considered a good match. Chen and Gao Xiaolan married, gave birth to three sons and a daughter, respectively, Chen Nian, Chen Qiao years, Chen Song and Chen Yuying years. These children were later joined the revolution, in which Chen Nian, Chen Qiao-year evaluation of the two is very high, the final nail is "an outstanding member of the Chinese Communist Party."
High Xiaolan and Chen's marriage is arranged for both parents, her mind filled with new thinking, there is no love between Chen and only marriage. Between brother and aunt have been more than the story, Kazuo sister worked in the past is not uncommon. When Chen met with slim, women's high fashion is king Man, my heart suddenly have a feeling - from the heart like a beautiful sister.
This occurred in 1909, when Gao Jun Man still in Beijing Women's Normal School, reading, and Chen was very cattle culture celebrity. Gao Jun Chen Man 10 years younger than her and in the end how the tokens of love between Chen's, now tell the. There are data that high-Jun Man holiday to Anqing Chen to see her sister, Chen took the opportunity by Su Man-shu lovesick, the last monk to become a monk topics touched worship his sister; and some said Chen through his book, "vulgar chapter" in the By "break off an engagement," said the topic of things, get a sister. Anyway, soon, "brother and sister" in fact living together. This year became the talk privately between neighbors say "scandal," Chen, a high two strongly opposed.
Finally, "not ordinary" high Manjun choice of Chen and run away, declaring the formal combination of two people. Chen to the Army in 1910, Hangzhou small school geography teacher Ren, Gao Jun Man to his wife as they appear in Chen's side. But they are not coming to an end of free marriage, due to family problems, children's education, lifestyle contradiction with Chen focused on the revolution, the strange behavior, lack of care for his beloved wife, and rumors of another new love, then in high-Jun Mann October 1925, with a crane has been born son, the woman his son to settle in the United States to Nanjing, the two broke up.
Figure: Chen tomb huge pool, the official said that the history of this pool represents the side of the mirror, the actual from the geomancy point of view, is the seat of the wind reservoirs: the tomb is unique Xiushan, the "by", the tomb should be "according to", namely, water Tong. Who dug this pond, good intentions are.
Fourth, the cemetery mystery of Feng Shui
InThe blog post on the articleSpeaking of, City of Anqing is feng shui. One of the city's most famous attractions is the Temple Jiang Ying Chun wind towers, said the tower is out of town lock feng shui Anqing city needs to build up. Anqing pattern of feng shui "master mountain" is the north of the city Dalongshan, south is the river - and the same defects in Nanjing feng shui, this water go short, the meaning did not reside. Therefore, Guo Pu in the feng shui master said "here Yicheng" after eight hundred years, the city has not built up; eight hundred years to build up, but no talent.
The Ming Dynasty, home inspection that geomancy, feng shui Anqing defects, but can make up for the proposed construction of a pagoda in the southeast of the city to the town gas, the lock feng shui. Namely the Republic "Huaining County," the so-called "Wancheng Xiongzhi mountains northwest, southeast coast Jiangping Yan. Shaped house made to be the town with Buddha, dragon head, Wei Qi omen for the Humanities," one said. Strange to say, in Longqing Gengwu (AD 1570) the tower was built up, Anqing turned out a lot of talent, has a 36 Scholars.
Feng shui wind tower vibration effect, in three hundred years even affect the Chen family, this tower an exclusive show of the graves and Chen Feng Shui to link the relationship. Chen This is Huaining "small families", but the father of this generation Chen, consist in the suddenly booming again. Comprehensive examination of the scholar Chen's father, uncle of the lifts, and the Chen brothers are also the local young people to promising. Local people will have to understand feng shui, said Chen's graves buried treasure on to feng shui, Chen Jiazu grave just moving to the vibration of the mountain wind tower - this tower is Chen Jiazu grave feng shui in the "Beacon Hill."
By the way, whether Amityville Horror, or mansion, if you are towards the front of Beacon Hill to Kyrgyzstan - in the past geomancy on to say that "the face of Beacon Hill, a senior official from generation to generation." Chiang Kai-shek when the door of the old one it is at home in front of one of Beacon Hill, so the transformation of Chiang Kai-shek after the fortune the old one, I have not removed the old door, geomancy expert was to remind the Chiang Kai-shek, do not split, split up on the broken feng shui.
Chen's graves in the end is not buried in Feng Shui, the vibration and wind towers considered as a "Beacon Hill", fails to account for this is clearly a pseudo-problem, but Chen is really well developed, but it is a fact. To this generation, Chen, Chen continues to thrive, he and his two sons are senior figures in the CPC, held in April 1927 on five, Chen and Chen Nian, Chen Joe was elected to the Central Committee together, father and son Sa people at the same time into the Central Committee, which is unprecedented in Chinese history. Unfortunately, Chen Nian, Chen Qiao years has been killed by the Kuomintang authorities in Shanghai, died young. If Chen is not a mistake, not two sons were killed by Chiang Kai-shek in Shanghai, even leave a after the founding in 1949, Chen has a "senior official" of.
Figure: Chen tomb was rebuilt, it is said imitation is the tomb of Sun Yat-sen in Nanjing's handling of the external
Thing is not just a coincidence Chen Jiazu grave, Chen turned his buried treasure is a rare feng shui, interested readers to read to know the field.
Chen's grave - Duxiuyuan, leaves home in the north of the city rushed Anqing, about 10 li from the city, located in a hillside. This burial ground is high Xiaolan Chen wife's death, Mr. Feng Shui Bu by the local election. Do not know is not the intention to entrust the former high Xiaolan Sheng, or really a coincidence, even the cemetery behind the mountain called "independence Xiushan", and Chen during his lifetime favorite place is here.
With Chen, whose real name Chan Hing, also known as Chen Qian-Sheng, the pen name "alone show" will result from Mt. In 1930, high-Hillview deathbed account of three sons, Chen Song, the hope buried with her husband - students can not Tongqin, death to the same hole. Chen does, the idea of returning to their roots there, before his death in 1942 left a will was also Chen Song, hope that "the future home of my grandmother's coffin and the coffin are Anqing go back home."
In May 1947, Chen "home" was. Song Chen told his father in accordance with, the grandmother, father, two coffins, Guchuan back Anqing. First temporary resting outside the temple Taiping Anqing West Temple, in the grave dug, the hired four local villagers carried the coffins washed leaves family cemetery, and buried in a mound high Hillview --30 couple years after this first wife has come together, both of the willing.
Chen's tomb, then that is a one-meter-high mound of small, simple and established a small tombstone, engraved "Xiankao Chengong Zhong Fu Tomb" eight characters. Worried about vandalism, tombstone deliberately avoided the "Chen" character, it was the thoughtful consideration Chen Song, Chen's tomb to avoid the "Cultural Revolution" destroyed by Red Guards destroyed dug the catastrophe. Today, Chen tomb, is no longer a small mound, but a up to 4 meters, 7 meters in diameter semi-circular cement Otsuka. Cemetery covers an area of 1.37 square kilometers, of which the core area of 0.39 square kilometers, up to 80 million yuan investment, open to all construction in 2008.
The cemetery quite luxurious, a villain from the Chen and finally, became only "mistakes" and positive character. Some people say that this is buried in the Feng Shui Chen on, fate has turned, now stand up. Although it is a joke, but the view from the traditional form of feng shui, feng shui choice this year at the burial ground is indeed not bad, after independence Xiushan - by (sitting) Hill; a few miles outside the size of the previous two hills - Case Mountain, the monastery, so there are barriers, the formation of the Green Dragon, White Tiger. There was a near mirror-like, such as large rectangular pond, fully in line with Feng Shui in the "before and after photos, and later by the" requirements, "according to" that great tomb of the pool, this pool represents the side of the official claim that the history of the mirror, in fact, From the perspective of geomancy, feng shui is to make up for regret on intention to dig - the designer of well-intentioned, is not convenient to say it fills.
Unfortunately, over the past few years, Chen cemetery surrounding environment has not been well protected, especially after the "patron" - Duxiushan, local quarry has been destroyed, "broke phase", the reader From the distribution map can be seen. It seems the local government is actively artificial landscaping, hope restored.
South Korea's implementation of chemical castration for sex offenders
August 01 2011
Implementation of chemical castration of sex offenders is a good way
Ni side six authors
I wonder if there is no attention, a change in human history in Asia and a history of sexual crimes legislation into effect in Korea: From July 24, 2011, the South Korea will allow law enforcement agencies on sexual crimes against minors to implement a "chemical castration . " According to South Korea, "Chosun Ilbo," the disclosure, after the implementation of new regulations, expected about 100 people each year will be "chemical castration."
Chart: 2010 Phoenix "girl jumping" case five defendants found guilty of rape were sentenced to death, and imprisonment for an indefinite period, associated with civil compensation for economic loss of 350,044 yuan the plaintiff.
Implementation of chemical castration of sex offenders is a good way to South Korea this approach is interesting, worth watching! I think, in the context of high crime, sex, Chinese sex offenders if the implementation of the "chemical castration", especially for some of the rapists are not sentenced to death, are not to, quite necessary. Significant for two reasons: first, effective; second, punishing sex crimes more humane, more civilized, according to South Korean media reports, the so-called chemical castration, not the outside have surgery, is injected to these sex offenders or taking hormones to "castration" to curb their sexual impulses. Say "chemical castration" is a humane means of punishing crime, because this means castration, does not cause permanent irreversible reproductive damage, was torture can also have sexual performance.
Chemical castration is not a new invention, points of view on the means of castration, chemical castration has been divided into two kinds and physical castration, also known as "drug castration" and "surgical castration" and the "physical castration" is the most popular.
Castration, should the Chinese people that is not unfamiliar, non-commonly known as "castration" is the human or animal reproductive organs to the destruction, the ability to cancel their sexuality, reproductive capacity. The people, the main implementation of the object is castrated men. Some Japanese scholars believe that the world's first "physical castration" is a Chinese invention. I looked at the statistics, from the Shang dynasty oracle bone inscriptions can be found, "pickled" and "cut" structure similar, are placed next to a man's genitals with a knife, but the genitals and placed in the direction of the knife and location are different, showing that at least the first ten centuries, the ancient Chinese knew castration, castration of the master. But this does not reflect castration is the Chinese people of all patents, said early in the twentieth century BC, the ancient West Asia, slavery - the Assyrian Empire, there will be a record of human castration, that castration is the invention of Asians more precise.
Figure: AncientCastration tool on behalf of China
While castration may not belong to China's invention patents, but the castration on its head, the use of extreme castration law, non-Chinese ancients must go. This should not be controversial, one hundred years ago in China there are eunuchs, that is a testament to this.
The ancient Chinese also will be a complete and mature human castration means. Roughly speaking, points in vivo and in vitro two. In vivo, and more for women, removal of the ovaries, in the past people commonly known as "cross-stitch technique"; in vitro rules for men, according to the castration of different purposes, some remove the testicles, some testicles, penis cut off together.
Way to remove the main challenge of testicular pill law, rope-line, kneading three: pick pill method is to use blade cut open the scrotum, stripping out the testicles; tied scrotum law fasten with twine, so testicular not develop; kneading law is directly to the testicle squeeze the bad, let it useless. Pick pill law aimed at adult men; rope-line, kneading rule for boys. These means of castration, had long used to make eunuchs.
Figure: Late Qing Dynasty eunuch
Incidentally, the modern surgical family planning is actually a physical castration, we do not need to avoid this. But its smaller body injury, is "civilized civilized thing to do", only to tie up the vas deferens or fallopian tubes, to prevent sperm-egg through in order to achieve the purpose of birth control, namely the private so-called "ligation."
If the implementation of China's chemical castration for sexual offenses, are relatively easy to accept the social, civil easy to understand, the public tolerance is high, because China was the first to apply the law of the country means castration, "castration" and there is such a thing back .
Castration, also called Fu Xing, and Zhuo Yin criminal punishment, destruction of male and female reproductive capacity is a punishment that "her husband cut their potential, women's closed in the Palace", this sentence is popular to say, is the cut off man's genitals, undermine the woman's uterus, ovaries and other reproductive system. Generally believed that early castration in ancient China, "five punishments" (ink, cut off the nose, Fei, Gong, Osake), one of the corporal punishment (corporal punishment), the most severe form of punishment, second only to the large provision (beheaded). Up from the historical analysis, Yu had previously appeared, later than in the Zhou Dynasty (mid-11th century BC - 256 BC) to have a mature castration penalties.
Figure: eunuch nude
Castration, in the ancient law to adapt to a wide range, in addition to other death row, as long as the offender die, as large as against the State, to the insulted small, all crimes are likely to be subjected to castration. If they are eunuchs as ancestral worship and burn incense and the "Historical Records" author, great historian Sima Qian, the received castration. This castration by Sima Qian is very unjust, simply because the Huns were around for the expedition was forced to surrender to be fair, Li Ling, Liu Che, Emperor Wu was sentenced to castration, and took two out of money by not the crime of brutally castrated. Later, many guilty of conspiracy, outrageous sinners, in addition to Manmenchaozhan outside, not beheaded, and the palace of fine men and women are slaves, before the reunification palace which men impose Fuxing (become a eunuch).
However, castration is the first use of targeted crime, and only in an improper sexual relations between men and women, will be punished by castration, the Republic of Korea is now the implementation of sex crimes, "chemical castration" of the mind should be the same, only later castration was abused by the rulers to carry a scorn. Castration in order to maintain the order of man's first marriage, first marriage and the birth of civilization.
Of course, if sex offenders now on, the implementation of the destruction of marriage and family by means of physical castration of castration, is clearly too inhumane, and also with the highly civilized modern society seriously inconsistent. By introducing chemical castration castration, I see not a bad idea, especially because of extra-marital affairs in a straight line on the line leading to the divorce situation, the context of high crime.
The ancients is written in Arabic numerals
August 01 2011
Found in archaeological strange writing Arabic numerals
Ni side six authors
These days, even the editorial task fooled, do not answer the phone, find a place to look, "Archaeology" magazine, to use their own data to compile a directory. Hot God, I almost drove a naked fan, two computers, I will write books in search of information. From this, I found a lot of interesting archaeological discoveries, find a point up here, chat with readers.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-0, the 10 Arabic characters, modern and ultimately, almost every day to deal with them, too familiar. But we may not know, in ancient Chinese novels, past and present of the 10 digits and the same wording, even completely different, and today looked like a bible, is not specified, would not that be Arabic numerals.
After 1949, there is at least twice in the archaeological find proved this point.
Arabic numerals, in fact, not invented by Arabs, but Indians invented, should be called "Indian figures"; but because the Arabs that the Europeans to learn from the past, it is called "Arabic numerals", modern financial sector structure of the global movement of Arabic writing is an improved version of the Europeans.
Arabic numerals were introduced to China as early as when? There is no conclusive evidence. But known, there have been two: the first time in the early eighth century AD, the Tang Dynasty, was introduced to China, soon lost; the second time in about 13 to 14 century Yuan Dynasty. But the ancient Chinese are not interested in these figures, still feel a nice cross two horizontal and three horizontal, refused to use these "foreign code", to promote the use of real formal, just a hundred years ago.
New China, the earliest archaeological Arabic numerals, that is, during the Yuan Dynasty. 1956 winter, found in the northeast corner of Xi'an WO ear stack Yuan West Palace site, the spring of 1957, China Social Sciences Institute of Archaeology conducted a survey on this site. Pedestal in the rammed earth is basically the same found in five of the square plate (see below), wide, and standing 14.2 cm, thickness 1.5 cm, of which four lines on the two side stones iron (Shihan) into. This five iron above, then cast with Arabic numerals, the ancient history of mathematics expert Li Yan, who had carried out detailed research on this, that this is the ancients called "Arab magic square", the above is the Arabic numerals. Soon, Lee wrote a "digital word reached China in Arab history" thesis, published in October 1957, the number of "Mathematics Bulletin" on.
Chart: 1956 Xi'an discovered "Arab magic square", the above figures into modern is this -
Magic square, also called aspect graph, which is characterized by n2 numbers will be arranged in a square for the n, the longitudinal, transverse and diagonal slash on the sum of the number are equal, the six vertical and six latitudes magic Fang, also known as "66 map."
Arabic numerals found in Xi'an is written by the Yuan Dynasty, ten years later, they found the Ming described by Arabic numerals. Location found, even in the 10 Arabic numerals by eating, affect the global international financial center - Shanghai Lujiazui. This finding can not say no meaning, where the most use of Arabic numerals, even found ancient Arabic numerals, is not there a hint somewhere, or coincidence? The discovery occurred in 1969, "decade of civil strife" period, but until 1985, the official archaeological report to appear. In that year, "Archaeology," No. 6 on the (Total 213), the book authored by the Wang, the "Shanghai Museum" on behalf of the "Shanghai Pudong Lu Ming Tomb account." Now why the name of the Lujiazui? Is due in mid-Ming, here was the courtiers, "the word minister" land of deep family residence, land deep and his family cemeteries are nearby.
Lu's tomb is not the normal deep archaeological excavations, but the need was to engage in civil air defense projects, without the approval of the cultural relics department, one night of the local dug without permission. May be due to very particular about the construction of the tomb, sealed coffin firm, including a coffin within the body still did not rot, and just buried, as is indeed wonders. Shanghai Museum, heard, and quickly sent his staff to clean up, and found written in Arabic numerals Ming.
The figure is a magic square, from the Yuan and Ming dynasties of writing point of view, was written in Arabic numbers do not vary greatly, but the wording of the modern big difference, and some completely different. Broken down as follows:
"1" is written, And modern, are pricked;
"2" is written, And the modern God-like place, but just a point of turning over, so -; In the 10th century and modern writing even when they close, so -
"3" is written, And modern big difference, and "2" is also exactly the same turning angle, so -; In the 10th century and modern writing even when they close, so -。
"4" is written, Is completely different and modern, can not find the same point, so - ; In the near future when China has just passed so -。
"5" is written, Is completely different and modern, can not find the same point, but not like the Yuan and Ming dynasties, like. Ming is the case - ; Yuan is the case -。
"6" is written,Completely different and modern, can not find the same point, like the modern feel of the letters written in y, so -。
"7" is written, Is completely different and modern, can not find the same point, so -。
"8" is written,Completely with the modern machine, can not find the same point, but it "7" has a very strong correlation, the opposite direction, so -; In the tenth century earlier, even a little bit like the modern "7", so - 。
"9" is written,And modern, as ancient and modern, not very different; 1 and 9 in the past and does not change much.
"0" is written, And the difference is not modern, but the smaller the circle, a bit like a full stop, so -; And introduced to China in the tenth century when 0 is written that is so -. Tang Gautama learned "by the New Century account" in the ancient records of India "after implementation of Tianzhu nine", the "0" is written is such a word, instead of circles.
To help the reader a more intuitive understanding, I will be found in Chinese archaeological element (row of), Ming (next row) compared Arbour digital writing -
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0
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Should I Quit
May 03 2011
March 03 2011
She doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess
January 22 2011
Today I hate:
- the fact that I always say I am going to do something and never do it
- forgetting things
- how late i stay up
- how empty home feels
- songs on repeat
- murfreesboro, tn
- online shopping
- the fact i can't keep a steady diet / gym routine
Today I love:
- curling irons
- the fact i know now how to curl my hair
- dove shampoo
- my bath ice creams
- Meet Virginia by Train
- soft silky blouses
- my new nude side purse
- high heels
- actually keep a goal. skinny for spring break!!
November 10 2010
September 11 2010
At the moment i am torn. My life is at a crossroads i need help.
Things are going downhill quickly. I love my family dont get me wrong but sometimes i grow to resent them. As if being sisteen wasnt hard enough as it is personal drama makes the icing on the cake. Sometimes i just want a break, a break from eveything, just be alone for a while think contemplate get a grip on reality and bring my own being to the surface again. Theres to much in life that people take to seriously and things they take for granted. I for one have learned that every moment with whomever that moment is shared with is special. Things from the past can never be forgotten no matter how bwad we want them to but eventually wounds heal, it just takes some time and nurturing. Guys come in all different shapes and sizes none of them are the same. there are the guys who are jerks, the guys who are immiture , the guys who only want one thing, but sometimes you might get lucky and run across one who genuinely loves you for you. If you ever find one hold on to him, If you dont you wont begin to imagine how lost youll become.
A Sleepless Night
September 07 2010
It's kinda cool to have a blog that no one ever reads.
It's like I can vent without the worry of being judged.
It's kind of a relief, you know?
Life gets hard sometimes. And you just feel like you're so close... but every time you reach out and try to grab what you're chasing after, it just slips through your fingers...
I guess I'm in one of those spots...
It's even harder when you don't know why you feel so empty.
It's like you've been working so hard to get all of these things, but somewhere along the way, you lose the one thing that is most precious to you.
So, who ever is listening,
I don't know where I went wrong.
Or how I ended up here.
I almost feel stupid for pouring out my feelings to a computer screen.
But, right now, this is the closest I can get to a best friend.
This city is full of people, but none of them are my best friend.
I guess that might be a huge chunk of why I feel empty right now.
I'm missing that intimacy with a person.
It's just finding that person who is willing to listen without discrimination
and to love without reservation.
That's the hard part.
And I honestly don't think that anyone could replace my best friend in the world, who is currently halfway across the world from where I am right now.
And I miss her.
Talk About a Walk Down Memory Lane...
September 06 2010
I googled my name (don't say you haven't done it before, because everyone's done it at least once)... and the first thing that popped up was my phusebox.
I haven't used this thing in AGES and it took me a while to remember my username and password.
It's so weird being on this thing. It kinda makes me laugh.
It brings back so many memories, and I was disappointed to find that all of my entries from years and years ago were mysteriously deleted... although, it probably wasn't as mysterious as I would like to think. I don't blame phusebox at all for deleting all of my information... after all, it's not like i actually missed this thing. Outta sight, outta mind, right?
So I have no idea why I am even writing on this thing.
I guess it's for 'ol times sake.
And I guess because this is me unofficially adopting this site as yet another one of my venting tools.
Especially since no one knows about this site except a select few...
So, if you're reading this (and are NOT a creeper), stay tuned for more updates. :)
<3 you all.
August 22 2010
I Cant Believe it!!
April 12 2010
January 19 2010
I'm so behind in school, IB is a nightmare. Seriously, everything suddenly. All the IA's, OP's, WL's. I'm drowning here, and EE. My EE is, is not even worth trying to explain. Which brings me to TOK, both OP and essay. UGH and then there's always CAS.
glass half full: graduation soon!
glass half empty: graduation soon!
I booked those stupid revision courses... they better pay off... 8,050 sek... shieeet... keff
Thing's will look up.
Or I'll make them up.
Get It Up
January 14 2010
January 12 2010
Sweden is depressing... luckily itunes released a really good free single of the week, This Is the New Year by Ian Axel, go download it now... :)
Everything is overwhelming, I just want to go ahead and graduate... now.
here's a Thought....
November 25 2009
How the Hell do I change anything on here? Come on Nathan, is this abandoned? I can't figure out how to change my email, password, or anything. I can have a thought. I can look at other peoples thoughts. I can add a pic, and I can take it away. But how do I change my login and password? Thats my thought.
I got them off!!!
October 23 2009
My braces, here's my digits 6158380872 :)
September 16 2009
It's still morning, but it feels like this day has dragged on forever. Maybe it's because I still count down to when my birthday is, and every day in September feels like the closer it gets to my birthday, the slower the time moves.
I'll be sixteen.
And I don't feel like celebrating, but I am this Saturday and Sunday.
Be there, or be square :)
I'll be lookin reaaaaal fly.
Does Anyone use Phusebox anymore?
August 06 2009
August 02 2009
Sometimes I stay up to rediculous hours of the night, just thinking about you. Trying to imagine what I might say if you bothered to talk to me again. How I might act if I saw you again.
When I think about the adventure that was You, I don't really know how to feel about it any more. There were so many things I believed, that I thought must be real.
But I should have taken it a little more to heart when you said it was only a dream. You weren't kidding. And apparently laying it down that we were both dreaming made it ok to say anything and make promises, because it was all in our heads anyway. If something didn't workout, no biggie, it was never real in the first place, right?
But then, I guess I must be a really heavy sleeper, cuz I can't seem to wake up. The dream seems to have ended but I'm still lying in bed trying to hold on to it...even when I try my hardest to just open my eyes and let it go.
Will game Bring Harm to one’s life?
July 24 2009
The bad impact of online game, take wow power leveling for example on the life has mainly expressed itself in various ways. One way is the process of exploiting a new scenic spot. In order to attract players, a lot of artificial facilities have been built, which have certain unfavorable effects on the life. This process usually breaks the ecological balance of the area. In some mountainous places, trees are being cut down to build hotels for others to see and explore the beauty of the mountains. Then land slides and mud-rock flows come up. Another way the development of online game has damaged the life occurs when games go to scenic spots. Some Worlds of Warcraft power leveling game players don’t have the awareness to protect the life, and ignorantly throw their garbage here and there. Some people even kill the local wildlife to eat, which badly damages the balance of the natural life.
It is wrong to sacrifice the life for the growth of online game. We must keep in mind that too much play brings harm to the life. We need to find a balance between satisfying the needs of online game and reducing to a minimum the pollution they cause.
Grandfather Clocks: Using One In Your Home
June 28 2009
Attracted by the Lights
June 26 2009
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June 22 2009
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June 21 2009
June 12 2009
May 17 2009
omg it seems like it has been forever since i wrote last.
Alot of things have changed since then im not in that realtionship anymore and in fact i've been in 5 more since that.
My freshmen year is coming to an end with only one more week of school left, its crazy how fast it whent by.
I have changed alot since then too! I look at things differently now i have a new perspective on things, im not so uptight anymore. My favorite movie and book came out since then too!, TWILIGHT! It doesnt matter how many times i watch it, it never gets old! I cant wait till New Moon!, even thought its the saddest of all the books, they wouldnt be as awesome as they are if they didnt have the emotion in them. The thing that sucks though is at this rate Breaking Dawn wont be coming out till im a senior! that sucks! But i'll just have to wait like everyone else.
well i really dont have much else to talk about so im gonna go, oh but there is one thing, if you are ever on you tube any time soon go and find the scary maze game and get one of your friends to play it its hilarious you'll know what im talking about when you see for yourself!
April 18 2009
Maybe tonight won't be as long as the last,
And maybe tonight I will forget about the past.
Maybe tonight you will give me a call,
And maybe tonight I will worry about nothing at all.
Maybe tonight I will just fall apart,
And maybe tonight I will find a new place to start.
Maybe tonight I will find what is wrong with me,
And maybe tonight my tears will cease so that I can see.
Maybe tonight I will find what I have been looking for,
And maybe tonight you will come to my door.
Maybe tonight I will finally become strong,
And maybe tonight I will right what I have done wrong.
Maybe tonight I will be able to stand on my own,
And maybe tonight I will pick up the things that I have thrown.
Maybe tonight things will change,
And maybe tonight things will stay the same.
But maybe tonight I will have the courage to tell you,
And maybe, just maybe, tonight i can know what it is like.
April 03 2009
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
There's always gonna have to be an up hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
It ain't about how fast I get there
It ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.
The things you are to me.
March 28 2009
If you were a drug you would need a perscription.
Everyone after you.
If you were a country you would be America.
Strng and the most beautiful.
If you were a drink you would be water.
Needed for my survival.
If you were a mountain range you would be the Appalachians.
Breath taking and majestic.
If you were a candle you be an everlasting one.
Your light, amazingness, if you will, would never go out.
If you were a suit you would be an Armani suit.
The best and the one absolutely worth every penny.
And if you were mine.
I would be the happiest man in the world
March 26 2009
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March 23 2009
here i am
March 19 2009
Here s where I am.
The sun is shining down where I am. Its beautiful. I have opportunities everywhere.
school has been great just finished up spring play- lead female role. I’m not the smartest of us but been doing really good in my classes, and its taken effort. Worth it. Been involved in FCA. Next year I am going to be either vp or president. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for president, but if the girl who is going to be gives up on this battle she’s been struggling with it will be me. Made youth leadership. Been miming a little. Not on the team anymore, though. Been running. Ah.. piano, harmonica. Lots going on.
Life is good. And God is good. All the time. He has put me back on my feet. It took me realizing that I can’t be depressive. I have to decide I want joy, and look for light not wander in darkness. Now there is light and it is good.
Been single for over a month. When I look at him I get down but then I smile. We had a good thing. When I see couples I smile because they are so happy, then I cry. I miss that, but then I’m happy again because I’ll be like that again. Whether its him or not who’s to say. It ll come together in time. Always does. if its 4 month or 3 years it ll happen. For once I’m not worried about it. Why should I be, ya know? I am enjoying what I have now.
and life is… wonderful. People are wonderful. Actually no, people are pathetic and low. But when you talk to the worse of worst you understand they are a lot like yourself. They have desires, and good intentions, but they fail, and fall. But yeah.. life is still wonderful.
I’m sure by now no one is even reading this. But its okay. Its more me than you anyways, but by chance someone is thank you.
I just thought you guys should know
March 01 2009
I really need you.
As in all my old friends, I feel like we're all complete strangers. Which we are, well at least I am.
And it hurts.
March 01 2009
Hey I just thought I woudl do a little blogging since I really had not done any in a long while and I thought to myself what better to blog about than a widely argued over topic. The War.
Ok so we have been at war now for some 6 1/2 years. And many people think this war is wrong and that we should not be fighting it. I just wanted to say what I think about the war. I think that this war is necessary. Yes it started to get the people who participated in the events of September 11, 2001. Now we have begun to help another country earn their freedom and I have to say I am glad that we are. I am completely for the war. I would like to hear your thoughts.
February 28 2009
why do I feel like I'm dying?
February 26 2009
I have this huge feeling I'm dying.
Like my life's a ticking clock,
and there's someone out there smiling.
Maybe he can make it stop.
I feel like I'm only hanging on by chance.
No reason to catch a gleam.
My life is just a dance,
nothing but a dream.
when will it ever end?
be a man.
February 25 2009
you would do it all over...we all know that. Whether "it" is good or bad, who knows? Doesn't look like we'll ever have the chance to know, either. You're just gonna leave us wondering. Leave me, in particular. The mistakes you're making are not clear to you, but are a slap in the face to me. If you could just give me one more chance to say what I think, it would work. All you have to do is poke one hole and it will grow larger with time until its fabric eventually rips in two. But then again, my words have always been words to you. Never anything more, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I'll just give up and run away...just like you.
Just You and Just Me.
February 20 2009
While someone else steals your good night kisses
I will sit here quitely hidding my wishes.
For I know the past lies between us
There is something I've got to say, I have to, I must.
It has nothing to do with a rythm or a rhym
nor a second or minute in time.
I want the world to see,
What true love is, just you and just me.
The things that I have to say they are about you.
Whether or not you will say them to.
You, look at you, you're beautiful.
Me? I was just-a-fool.
Together like two fish in the sea,
We can make that just you and just me.
To do the things I did yeah I know they were bad.
And I had to give up everything I had.
What can I do to make you see.
I would give it all up to have just you and just me.
We both have our own dreams.
And that makes it so tough so it seems.
I am ready to give up mine.
If you just give me a chance, just one more time.
We can make them all come true.
Making our own dreams just me and just you.
I guess really what I want to say.
Is that I would have it no other way.
Together we could be
Happy, just you and just me.
February 13 2009
Everey day I wake to find something new and special, life. Even though it can be really hard at times, it's all worth it in the end. I'm finding it's not what you take from life, it's what you give to it.
February 08 2009
With You Not Without You.
February 06 2009
When I was a child I thought like a child and acted as one.
Now as I have grown I think more for my future.
When I was a fool I acted only silly actions.
Now as smarter I act only what is worth acting.
When I was small at heart I loved little.
Now as larger my heart as grown I appriciate much.
When I was wild I acted as if I had no sense.
Now as I have calmed I know temporary cravings should not be satisfied.
When I was with you I knew excatly where I want to be forever.
Now as you have left me I know beyond a shodow of a doubt where I need to be for the rest of my life.
February 03 2009
January 25 2009
January 24 2009
January 24 2009
i have to be silent.i have to keep my mouth quiet, i have to keep my lips closed. no words can slip out, no screams can escape, no tears can fall from my eyes, no fast beating heart can be heard. i have to be silent.
i have to be still. i cant huge, i cant reach for a hand, i cant lock eyes. no running with joy to welcome, no extra big smiles, no walking alone to talk. i have to be still.
i have to be calm. no wondering thoughts, no worring, no stressing what others think. no fights, no crying, no wanting for something i cant have. i have to be calm.
my part time lover my full time friend.
January 17 2009
The thing with sin, we have so much temptation anyways that we shouldn't put sin in front of ourselves and try to walk past it. sure we can try and test ourselves, but by doing that we rely on ourselves not God. and then we miserably fail. and we wonder why we thought we were stronger than that. don't be where you shouldn't be, that's where it starts.
i tried to hide like eve in the garden,
and keep all this stuff from you.
i tried and tried again,
to reason it all through.
but when i realized i was hurting you, and hurting me too,
then i knew you had to know the truth.
now you know , know what i hid,
and you know, know what i did.
will you be alright, will you be okay?
& do you know what to do, do know which way?
i lay this down at your feet,
and i stumble with apologies,
wishing you wouldn't forgive me,
maybe you will show me just how much im sorry.
I hate getting what i dont deserve,
and grace, oh mercy i can not repay.
i have learned my lesson,
and i promise to love you best in every way.
In case you didnt know.
January 15 2009
i am coming to tennessee here in a couple weeks.
I think i get there the 20th of March? not sure
but eh hit me up whenever im there.
Just to let you guys know i am super stoked about coming. Yea like i havent been this excited for a good long while.
k then shoots :)
The Continuous Storms of Daily Life
January 15 2009
It's been nearly a year since I was last on Phusebox. Things have been like a living Hell for me this past year of 2008. The following is a summary of how life has been going for me in 2008.
CHAPTER 1: THE DOWNFALL
Everything had been going downhill for me ever since I chose to move onto campus. My backpack was stolen along with the items which it contained including my laptop, digital camera, some of my school books, notes, homework, and tests study guides. This caused me to quit my classes and fail the semester. My bank account surprisingly went from $4,000 to -$900. I ended up owing the bank more than I should have.
I was working for Aramark Food Services on the college campus at the time. They stationed me at Pizza Hut, but the money was barely enough for one week's worth of gas and a few days of food, even though I get paid every other week. I used to get $500 from the State of Tennessee for being in foster care, but I haven't seen that money since I moved out of the foster home I was staying in. The amount that I ended up receiving went down to $150 because I had lived on campus, but I haven't even gotten that much of it.
I used to sing in the choir and usher every Sunday at church, but I slowly faded from participating in it. I sometimes found myself missing church just because of some dumb excuses like
"I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TODAY".
I found myself in these situations all because I chose to leave the path that God had set before me; the path of ministry. I found myself running from the calling God had placed in my life. I haven't even practiced piano since I left God's path, and piano is one of my most favorite things in the world. During the month of October of 2007, when I was in a performance at church a called THE JUGEMENT, I rededicated myself to God yet I still found it hard to do things the Christian way, harder than it was before.
I wish I could say that I continued to grow from there, but with it being that much harder for me to grow in Christ I fell away again because around that same time, I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant. I wanted to quit running from God and run back to him.
I wanted to quit being a pretender and become a contender. I didn't want to be false in my walk with Him, but I just kept on running from Him. I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend after I had heard from her mother that she had been cheating on me with another guy. Every time my girlfriend tried to call me and talk to me, I would ignore her and pretend that I didn’t hear the phone ring. By the middle of December, her mother had kicked her out of the house and instead of coming to me for help she chose to look for help from another guy. I should have been there for her, especially since she was carrying my child, but I was so rebellious and so angry at life that I didn’t even notice to beauty in everything.
But on the last week of December as I was driving to my back to MTSU, I felt the fist of God hit me so hard that I had to pull the car over. Now when God hits you, it isn't any kind of sissy hit like two cats fighting over a mouse or two champions battling each other for a shot at the UFC title. When God gets a hold of someone, they will know it. The power of God was so strong that I couldn't handle His presence while driving. I ended up becoming shortly blind so I had to pull the car over in one of the parking lots at MTSU and I parked over there at Monahan.
I felt God's presence even stronger when I parked my car and stepped out for air, because God hit me so hard with His Holy Spirit that it knocked the breathe out of me....literally. When that happened, it was like yellowish clear scales fell from my eyes and as they fell, they disintegrated when they made contact on my lap. About the same time, I saw two presences fighting in my car. One was light and the other was dark. The light one was in the front passenger side and the dark one was in the back left passenger side, which was directly behind me.
I heard to the voice of God tell me to pray for MTSU for the next seven nights. I then walked around the campus in the freezing cold praying in the Holy Spirit and singing and shouting praises to God while at the same time being warmed and comforted by God's Holy Spirit. Up until the first day of school, I had gone to the campus and prayed over everyone who would ever step foot on this campus this semester. And I continued to do so, until it came to the last night of praying on the campus.
The last night of praying, I decided to instead ask my brother if he wanted to go see a movie with me. Long story short, he and I got into a fight while in my car on the way back from seeing the movie. He was sitting directly behind me while I was trying to drive. He kept hitting me and I told him that he was making me angry and that I would hit him with something if he wouldn’t stop.
He continued hitting and then I picked up a box cutter and stabbed at him, making a slight contact with his leg. He then called the police on me. I called my former foster mother and I called the college pastor of my church and then I told them what had happened. I drove up to the police station and told them what happened and then they kept me there for nearly 13 hours. I had to pay nearly $1500 to get out on bond.
If I had continued doing what God had asked me to do, I would have been able to avoid the situation that I was put in. We went to court in February and I was given a diversion. All I had to do was pay probation and take anger management classes. If I was to violate the probation, I would have to spend 11/29 in jail.
CHAPTER 2: THE BAD LUCK MONTH
Speaking of the month of February, I had numerous things happen to me other than the court date. Something bad usually happens during the month of February, specifically on or around Valentine’s Day. For Example:
A virus is sent to my laptop.
my laptop got a virus randomly.
my laptop repaired itself only to crash again. My laptop again repairs itself only this time refuses to accept the Wipe Drive CD and refuses to accept the Malware/ Trojan/ Virus Remover software that I bought. I was going to stay home, but decided to go see the movie JUMPER, and was nearly run off the road by a drunk driver and I almost wrecked into another car on the way to the theatre. On the way back from the theatre, I was almost sideswiped by a driver exceeding the speed limit by at least 25 mph.
I got pulled over for a broken headlight when my lights were not broken and now I have to pay a $50 dollar fee. Around 2:30 am, I received nearly 10 calls by someone who thought it was alright to harass me and make threatening remarks to me while I was trying to drive back home to get some sleep. I don’t know who the person was or why they got my number, but I did inform the police who had pulled my car over.
Also, when I got to work around 9:30 am, I decided to get some orange juice, but it slipped out of my hand and spilled all over the floor in the KUC building at MTSU. When I finished mopping it up, I tripped over the mop bucket and spilled all the mop water which was very embarrassing. I then got the wet vacuum, and after cleaning up the mess, I almost walked into the wall, because the chord of the wet vacuum got wrapped around my leg.
I took my laptop to the Geek Squad to find out about the virus on my laptop. They told me that I had the worst virus ever created and that it was the latest version, a 2008 version of a virus known as "ZLOB". The cost to remove the virus and to protect against my laptop from getting this virus again is going to cost me $300. While I was on the way back from a friend's house around 11pm, a car that was going nearly 65 mph on a 40 mph lane almost rear ended my car while trying to pass me so they could get in front of me as if they wanted me to race them or something.
I missed all my classes for nearly the entire week because of a certain incident that I will not mention. Plus this was the date AI had the first court session on between my brother and I.
I bought new headlights for my car only to find out that it was just a lose wire and at the same time the guy at AutoZone showed me that my Water Pump had gone bad and I had to pay $23 to get it replaced. As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot and onto Broad St, I realized that I had just wasted $50 for lights I didn't need. Also, I lost some homework that I was supposed to study for my acting class, which was a scene from a play entitle "The Boys Next Door". The play is about four mentally handicapped men who live in a group home.
I had to make 108 extra pizzas just as I had to clock in for work, because of the large group that came into the KUC. Also, the person who was supposed to close the night before left me half of the prep work and I barely finished almost everything on time. I was going to see Baby the musical, but couldn't because of all the make-up homework I had to do for missing nearly the entire week of classes. Also, I misplaced my insurance cards.
I realized that my car title was missing, along with 3 computer programs that I just bought. I decided to trace my steps, going to places I had been to see if I could find it. I went to Best Buy first, but it was closed and the guy inside looked all over but didn't see anything.
After leaving there I went to a gas station on Old Fort Parkway to check with the guy behind the counter, but it was closed, but on my way there an ambulance went by with its lights and sirens on. Everyone stopped and pulled over except the car behind me. He was tailgating and barely missed my car as he swerved over to the other lane nearly crashing into the car beside me as he continued to do 25 over the speed limit, all the while a cop car was coming down the opposite side and of course went after that crazy driver.
I went to the bank only to find out that I was missing nearly $200 that should have been in there. My gas was on empty. I hadn't eaten since that Saturday. I needed to get a new Water Pump for my car. I needed to pay for a new car title replacement. I needed to pay for the ticket I got for the headlight issue. I needed to pay for the rest of the court cost that was to be paid by that Wednesday. I needed to pay for laundry detergent so I could do my laundry.
I was hoping to go to a "70's Skate Night with the college group from my church, but now I can't go because I didn't even have $3.00. The college pastor ended up paying for me though. I was working on some homework later that night which was a lesson for my acting class and my printer ran out of color ink. Also the printer kept acting up and not working right. My computer began to freeze up and go extremely slow around 11:40pm
My computer continued to freeze up and go extremely slow, and it aggravated me so I got mad and closed it a little too hard. I ended up wishing that I hadn't done that because the screen got cracked in a few spots and the screen ended up not working. The computer still worked, but I had to get a new screen for the laptop.
Official Bad Luck Month or is it just the beginning of year that will be completely full of bad luck. In my opinion, it was just the beginning. I was on my way back home from Nashville on March 8th about 2am and someone with road rage decided to bump my car from behind. The speed limit on the interstate was supposed to be 70mph, but I was going 75 to make room between me and that crazy driver. There were only two lanes and the lane next to me was free, but the driver didn't move over.
So I moved over to let that person pass, but instead they moved over behind me. I moved over again to let them pass, but they moved over behind me again. I sped up to 80 mph and the other driver did the same. The whole time this was going on, it was raining heavily and I could barely see out the window. The next thing I know, the driver sped up to 100 mph and changed lanes only to ram into my car on the right side. He shoved me off the road and nearly flipped my car.
Luckily, there wasn't a wall there or any oncoming traffic, but there was this field of grass there. When this person rammed into my car, they broke my headlights making it worse for me to see out the window and since the right side of the car got damaged pretty bad, it cut into my tires on the right side and blew them out. I am so glad that God is always in control, because the car should have flipped over several times, but instead it didn't.
I should have been pulled over by a cop for driving without any lights...and with 2 flat tires, but instead God's grace prevailed once again. I made it back to MTSU on two blown tires and no headlights in the heavy pouring rain without even being pulled over by the police. My caution lights were even broken and yet I was safe the whole trip back to MTSU.
CHAPTER 3: THE TURN AROUND
In early April, my brother and I went back to court and that is when I was given the dates of my probation and how much I would have to pay. About a week later, I decided to make things right with my ex-girlfriend Scarlet, who was pregnant with my daughter. We got back together in the middle of April and while I was on my way to take her back home one night after going to see a movie with her, her mother called my phone and told me to not bring Scarlet back home, that she was kicked out of the house. I brought her to my dorm with me and she stayed a few days until I brought her to stay with her uncle for about a week, just to give me some time to clean up my dorm and get it ready so I could move everything to my mother’s house.
I had to leave the dorm because school was over and I needed to keep my things somewhere until I got my own place. My mother told me that Scarlet and I could stay with her and her boyfriend, so I then went to go pick Scarlet up from her Uncle’s and then I brought her to my mom’s house with me. About this time she was about 7 months pregnant. My mother ended up kicking us out so I decided to ask my brother about us staying with him at his apartment. He let us stay with him, so while I was on my way to his place my car began to act up a little bit. We stayed there for a few days until he made us leave, so we went back to my mother’s house.
While we were staying there, I finally decided to propose to her. She told me that she would love to marry me, even though I was going through numerous financial struggles. We stayed there for about a week and then she told us to leave again. We got about halfway through the interstate and my car began to run hot. I pulled over off one of the exits, and then checked my car out. When I tried to start the car back up, I realized that the engine was blown. It was smoking and they got some flames, but I put the flames out. Scarlet and I ended up being forced to walk the interstate back to Murfreesboro, TN from Nashville, TN.
A cop gave us a ride to Lebanon, TN and dropped us off at a Chili’s restaurant. One of the waitresses there gave us a ride all the way back to my brother’s place. We stayed with his for a few days until he kicked us out again. We walked back towards the interstate, but we ended up getting a few rides until we made it to the football coliseum. My mother ended up picking us up from near that location and she gave us a ride back to her place. She let the two of us stay for a few days and then made Scarlet go to the Women’s mission which is formally known as The Family Life Center. That following Friday, Scarlet had an appointment at Summit hospital for a checkup. We both stayed there for nearly 7 hours until we were picked up by the charter bus.
Scarlet couldn’t go back to the mission, because she was late getting back so I brought her to my mom’s, but she wouldn’t let scarlet come inside. So, I stayed outside with her all night and then we went to a friend’s house and he let us sleep in his extra bedroom. My mother told us that we should go to the Room in the Inn which was located in Murfreesboro, TN. Instead, Scarlet decided to call her mother to come pick her up.
Scarlet’s brother came to pick her up and then took her back to her mother’s house. That Monday, which was June 9th, Scarlet gave birth to our baby girl Emily Marie Ambrose. At the hospital, Scarlet’s family was acting strange around me and later I found out that Scarlet had told them that I had allegedly made sexual comments about my daughter. I later found out that she had said those things just so that her mother would not kick her out of the house, because her mother never liked me in the first place.
On June 23th, one of Scarlet’s sisters brought her and my daughter over to my mother’s house to come visit with me. Emily stayed with Scarlet’s sister the whole time though. Later that day, I found out that Scarlet’s mother called The Department of Children Services on my daughter. I later found out who the DCS worker was and I had them set up a Family Team Meeting so that I could figure out why DCS was called.
Everyone at the time was throwing allegations at me left and right. The DCS meeting was held on July 3rd. About a week or two later, Scarlet and I had planned to go see a movie together, but when her mother found out about that, she accused Scarlet of neglecting her child and proclaimed that Scarlet ran away from the house.
Then we had to have another Family Team Meeting. Scarlet stayed at my brother’s apartment with me for a few days until that meeting. During the meeting, our daughter was place in a safety placement with a lady named Heather Coakley. After the meeting she went back with her mother. A week later, Scarlet went to heather’s house to visit with Emily. About this time, I had realized that the Nashville MTA bus system ran all the way up through Murfreesboro to MTSU. I wished I had known about that before, because I would have probably been able to keep my car.
A few days later, Scarlet met with me in Nashville and she moved back in with me at my brother’s apartment. We stayed with my brother and his fiancée for about a week until they kicked us out again. We then went back to my mom’s for a few days and then back to my brother’s again for a few days until he and his fiancée moved to another apartment.
We stayed with them for the first week they were at the apartment and then they kicked us out again. By this time it was the last week of July. Scarlet ended up calling one of her aunts to see if she could go stay with her for a while. Scarlet stayed with her for about 2 weeks and then she came back to be with me again. She then came back to my brother’s house with me.
That same day, we met a lady while we were at the SunTrust bank eating hotdogs. SunTrust had a free food concessions stand for the college students since school was getting close to starting back. We stayed with that lady for one night and then when Scarlet and I went over there to sleep, she locked us out. So, we went up to MTSU and went into the BAS building and talked to one of the janitors who then unlocked the break room and told us that we could sleep in there for the night. The next morning Scarlet and I brought everything back to my mother’s house again.
She let the two of us stay there for about a week and then kicked us out again. That night, I talked to a friend about giving us a ride to The Room in the Inn. This is the place where we were supposed to have gone in the first place, which could have prevented all the DCS meetings and court meetings concerning our daughter.
CHAPTER 4: THE AFTER THOUGHTS
To put it in the simplest terms possible, I just couldn’t wait until my wedding day. I was not sure the exact date just yet, but whatever day we decided to schedule it on, that day would be one of the happiest days of my life. My life was having some major ups and downs at the moment, but in times like this it is better to look past the negative perspective of things and look forward to all the positive perspectives of life. I was engaged with a most precious girl. She meant the world to me.
She was everything I ever wanted in a long-term relationship. We had a newborn baby girl who was about 6 weeks old at the time. I had just started going back to church again just three weeks before going to The Room in the Inn. My fiancée wanted to start going back to church as well. Around the same week that we would be able to accommodate ourselves into a new apartment and buy ourselves another used, but good enough car, we both had plans to become married to one another.
Life had its high points and its strong points, but the only way to be a true over comer is to put God first in everything that we say and in everything that we do. It's going to be a challenge for the two of us, but with the two of us putting our full trust back in God and letting Him take care of everything, we will not have to worry about any of the stresses of life that has been wavering over our shoulders the past few months. I love my fiancee so very much. I love my daughter just the same. But I love God with all my heart, all my soul, all of my mind, and all of my strength.
From August 22nd until October 7th, Scarlet and I was supposed to be staying at the shelter entitled The Room In The Inn, but we ended up getting kicked out because Scarlet was having a hard time trying to find herself a job. I go went back to work on August 25th at MTSU and I was currently working in the James Union Building, even though I keep getting my hours cut pretty bad. I needed to find a new job, but it was hard to find a job in a town filled with College students who are also looking for jobs.
When we left The Room in the Inn, we brought our belongings to a friend’s house and stayed with him for nearly a week until I called my mother. She told us that we could go back to stay with her as long as we need and that she felt bad for always making us leave. So we then packed up and went to her place in Nashville. But a few nights before we went back to her place, Scarlet had an appointment in Nashville on Wednesday the 24th of September and after her appointment, we were invited to go visit our daughter Emily at Scarlet's mother's house.
The only problem was that Scarlet's mother pulled a good old fashioned sneaky trick on us which will ultimately be the fine line between the two of us getting our baby girl back and Scarlet's mother getting permanent custody of her. We ended up having to spend the night there, which was not supposed to happen since we are not allowed to be around our daughter without super vision.
Also, that night Scarlet's mother made up some plan where Scarlet and I can have our daughter back that night and that she would help us get her back without having to go to court. The whole time I had vibes that she was trying to con us, so I decided that I would do the same to her instead. But then I got to thinking about what Jesus would do in a situation like that and I decided to ignore all of it. But in the morning, Scarlet and her mother were still talking about going through with their plan.
So, Scarlet's mother bought some diapers for Emily and gave us $10 and dropped the three of us off at the MTA bus stop. So we get on the bus and head for my mom's house, but when we arrived at the bus station Scarlet's brother Luke was waiting for us over there and demanded us to give him our daughter. He snatched her away from us and took off saying that he was going to call the police on us for kidnapping Emily. We then had to go to another Family Team Meeting concerning the lie about Scarlet's mother proclaiming that we kidnapped our own daughter in which we both still have full custody of her.
But Scarlet's mother is doing her best to rip Emily out of our lives for good, in my own opinion. By the time we got to my mother’s house she was already at work so we walked up to the hotel she was working at.
When I saw her, I barely recognized her. She had two black eyes, a busted jaw and her whole right side was black and blue. She told me that her boyfriend did this to her when he had gotten drunk a few nights before. I wanted to tear the man limb from limb, especially since I was already angry about having my daughter taken away from me. I later calmed down and when we all got back to the house, I gave the man a good long speech about how my number one thing that angers me is abusive men hitting women.
Scarlet and I began to have thoughts about moving back to Nashville for good so that we could be closer to our daughter, but we had been struggling financially for nearly 6 months. My mother told me that it costs about $100 a week to live in the trailer park where she is living at, and that it costs $55 a week to live at the apartments next door to her trailer park. I'm thinking about going to Nashville and checking the places out that she referred me to and if we decided to move back to Nashville, the managers for Aramark told me that they could transfer me to TSU so that I could have a sure job in Nashville.
CHAPTER 5: THE ENDUREMENT
A few days after moving back with my mother, she and her boyfriend both got drunk and began to yell at each other and verbally fight with each other. Then I heard her boyfriend threaten to hit her, so I jumped up in the middle of it to prevent him from harming her again. When my mother saw this, she got bold and began to grab the man’s hair and ripped his shirt. He tried to hit her, but just as he raised his fist to her, I caught his fist and twisted his arm back behind him and told him to leave her alone. I let him go and then he decided to claw his own face up. At that time my mother began to pull his hair again.
I ran back in there and told them to stop the petty violence, but they didn’t stop. He yelled at her again and then I went and grabbed a warm wet rag and threw it at him and told him to clean the blood of his face while telling both of them to settle down.
He cleaned his face and the two of them told each other they were sorry and I went back into the living room. I lay back down next to Scarlet, but just a few minutes later my mother and her boyfriend were back at it again. My mother grabbed a knife and chased her boyfriend to the living room. I moved the coffee table out of the way, because I wanted to prevent someone from tripping over it and getting hurt. She chased him to the couch and he stood atop of the back of it because she kept swinging the knife at him. I grabbed a towel from the kitchen and snatched the knife by the blade, taking it from her while she was not paying attention.
I then threw the knife aside and told her boyfriend that he needed to leave the house or things would get worse, but instead he tried to fight me. He swung at my mother again, and again I caught his fist and twisted it behind his back. I escorted him to the door, but he kept trying to get loose, making the grip I had on his wrist hurt him that much more. My mom called the police at this time and I let her boyfriend go just a few minutes before the police got there. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette while waiting on them to show up. Her boyfriend took off outside somewhere just a second before the police arrived. Long story short, he went to jail and got out a week later.
He had to take about 36 hours of domestic violence classes and about 32 hours of alcohol rehab classes. My mother had to leave her house that Tuesday, causing me and Scarlet to have to leave as well. That Tuesday, we had another Family Team Meeting and after the meeting, the DCS worker gave us a ride to my mother’s and told me that she would find a place to store all of my belongings for me. My fiancée, Scarlet called her aunt and told her what had happened so she then went to go stay with her aunt again after we had to leave my mother’s house for the last time. I ended up staying outside for the next few weeks, sleeping on a bench or on a sidewalk downtown near the bus shelters.
The whole time I was out there I was cold, and during the day I was burning up. I began to grow hungry and started to catch a cold and become sick. I was down to nothing but the clothes and jacket on my back. No home, no money, no food, no car, no clean clothes, and no shower. I had my daughter taken from me and my fiancée was now living with her aunt at the time. We both went to court on October 15th for our daughter and I just pray that God will have His hand in everything.
Somewhere around mid November, we had planned to buy ourselves another car, because a friend of mine from church told me that he would give me a good deal on a car he was selling. While we were still staying at The Room in the Inn, I helped Scarlet obtain her Birth Certificate and a photo I.D., but we had to wait on her Social Security Card to come in the mail.
Also, we signed up for food stamps until we are able to get back on our feet. When we would be able to provide for ourselves and move to our own place, we prayed that we would be able to get our baby girl back for good. We had planned to move to the apartment complex University Terrace sometime in October, but it looked like that might not be an option for us. I got one more paycheck before we had to go to court on October 15th, and by then we still did not have enough money to get our feet back on the ground in time for Court. We had to have to have our own place by October 15th in order to have a chance at getting our 4 month old daughter back; instead we now have to wait until December 15th in order to get her back with us.
Scarlet was to stay with her aunt for a while until we could get our own place to live. We had an interview with an MDHA housing complex on October 23rd in Nashville. A letter was supposed to come in the mail 5 business days later. I had a backup plan for just in case the housing did not work out. I made an appointment at MDHA housing and set up and interview for December 5th for another location, which is way too close to the court date.
I had a job interview with one of my cousins on my father’s side of the family on October 12th and I was told that he would pay me between $100-$150 a day working with concrete and doing some construction work. I was going to sell plasma on October 10th in order to make enough money for a night in a hotel and for a bite to eat at McDonalds. Later that night, I was told by my college pastor that I could go stay at the house that is located on the church’s property where they are planning to build a new church someday.
I then realized that I need my Social Security card, photo I.D., and a proof of address. I believe that I may have left my Social Security card and my birth certificate in my car back in May when the engine blew out.
On October 13th, I filed for another social security card and I went to the health department and got a copy of mine and my daughter’s birth certificate. The day before, I had two friends mail me letters so that I could use the envelopes as a proof of address. Later that week, I was told that I had to go to court again on December 1st to pay child support. While staying at the house on the church’s property, I soon gave my life back to Jesus Christ again.
Every now and then I would go out to the exact location where I was told the Alter would be built, and I would pray and sing praises to God, thanking him for what he had been doing for me. I would pray for my daughter and for the situation that Scarlet and I were in and for Him to give us favor with MDHA and with the court.
CHAPTER 6: THE STREET LIFE
November 20th was my last day taking parenting classes. I got a certificate in which I had to bring to court with me on December 15th. On November 23rd, I found out that the past 2 months have been nothing but a big lie regarding the relationship I had with the girlfriend, the one who I was hoping to marry. I'm not going to go into detail about that, but I will say that she wants nothing to do with me anymore and that she believes she found someone better...about 2 months before I found out what she had been doing. My heart was ripped apart. I thought things were getting better but it wasn't.
So I ended up getting wasted on Thanksgiving because I thought to myself that there was nothing in this world that I should be thankful for since I didn't really have anything except for the clothes on my back. I got really depressed and began hitting myself in the face, kinda childish and stupid...but I did it. I continued to do it even after my whole entire face was bloody and my eyes were black & blue. I had to go to a DCS meeting the next week looking like I got hit by a Mach truck.
I haven't been staying at the house on the church property in about a month I think. I've been living out on the streets in Nashville spending time with the homeless people out there, making money by singing songs out on broadway while this guy nicknamed "Blue", plays the guitar. I have also been helping a guy named Glenn, who is in a wheelchair, get around downtown...especially when he has to go uphill.
There was this one 19 year old boy out there who just got back from Iraq, well discharged from the army for something...but anyway I hungout with him and showed him the ropes of living on the streets; like places to go for food, places to go to keep warm at night, and things like that. I let him borrow one of my extra coats and then he kinda disappeared. I think the cops probably picked him up. On December 6th about midnight or something, I was at the Buck Wild Saloon and as soon as I walked out I looked straight at the Gram Central Station bar.
I saw a guy run out while being chased by security. Just before he ran out, I saw him take a knife and slice a young man's head wide open. The gash was from the boy's forhead to the back of his head. Blood was all over the sidewalk. Anyway, I saw the security tackle the man who did the stabbing and they slammed his head into the concrete. The police arrested the man and the paramedics came and took the other guy to the hospital.
Events like that take place all the time in Nashville, like when I went down Broadway to go to the convient store next to the McDonalds. I went up there on December 5th to get a pack of cigaretts and 2 40 ounce Icehouse for Glenn, who is in a wheelchair. I saw 6 police cars at McDonalds and then I saw the paramedics come out with someone on the stretcher, then they covered up the persons head. According to someone at the convient store, there was a shootout around that area.
December 15th is coming up next week and I am not fully prepared to go into the courtroom just yet.
I attended the Titans football game against the Browns Sunday December 7th. I hungout with the homeless comunity and watch the game from outside the arena. We were given 12 tickets, but we gave 6 of them away. The guys I hung out with were pretty decent guys. Everyone of us know each other by our nicknames though, but there was Blue, JFK, Glenn, Dutch and Danny. They all know me by Pyro, since I used to play with fire so much in my past. I saw my brother at the game with a few of his friends.
I went back to Murfreesboro that Monday since I had to be at the probation office and while I was checking my myspace, I recieved a message from my brothter telling me that he had kicked my mom and her husband out of his appartment. My mom and her hsband were staying with him for about 2 months and were helping out with the rent. I hope the best for them, but at least the doesn't have to worry about court and DCS jumping on their back like they are doing to me.
CHAPTER 7: THE FRESH START
As the title of this chapter intels, this month is the begining of a fresh new start. I have been doing everything I could possibly do to make my situation better so that I can stabilize myslef with a decent paying job, obtain my own place, and save up for another car all so that I can be there for my daughter. The goal of this chapter is to show detail for detail everything that I have been doing in order to makes things better for my family. In the long run, once things get better, I'm going to give God all the praise for seeing me through all of my trials and tribulations. The following is the Journal of Steven Ambrose for the month of December of 2008.
THE MONTH OF DECEMBER: Online Journal
I went to court and was petitioned to pay child support every month. Also, when I went to my anger management class, there wasn't that many people in there so it went by kinda quick.
I went to court on December 15th and so far everything is looking bright for my daughter. I go back sometime in February and I should have everything I need done, by then. I hope the best for my daughter and I hope the best for her mother. I got a call on December 16th about an interview for a place that pays about $9 an hour. I am setting up an interview today so that I can go ahead and get the job. That way, I will have time to save up to pay the rest of my probation off and then be able to save up money so that I can be here for my baby girl Emily Maire Ambrose.
Around 5:30pm I walked over to DHS, because there is a church group that meets over there under the Jefferson Street brigde every Tuesday night at 6pm. They called themselves The Bridge Ministry. They gave out food to the homeless and then they have a church service right after. I was going to leave right after eating, because that was mainly the only reason I went up there. I decided to stay for the church service and at the end of the service, they had an alter call. Lots of people went up there and gave their hearts and lives to Christ.
I went up to the alter and gave my heart and life back to Christ and then the pastor of the church prayed for me and my situation regarding my daughter and not having a job and my own place. We prayed together for my daughter and that God will have his way in both our lives and also for God's will to be done in both our lives regarding the next and final court date concerning the custody issue over my daughter Emily Marie Ambrose.
Right after I left the bridge, I went to The Buck Wild Saloon to sing a few songs. After the first song I sang, I decided to step outside to ask a man for a cigarette. Come to find out, he owns a business and wants me to start working for him tomorrow. $12 an hour starting out and eventually earning up to $26 an hour...excluding taxes. The man is also going to rent me out a hotel for a few weeks until I can afford my own place. The hotel I think is close to the business. On regular weeks, I might be getting somewhere around $800 a week, but on good weeks I might be racking in about $5000 a week :)
Early that morning, I left the Buck Wild about 3:00am and walked up to the corner of Broadway and 4th ave to stand on the heat vent like I usually do. After a while I went to the old bus shelters and took about a two hour nap. I went back to the heat vent to stand and get warm and about 15 minutes later, a guy stopped and asked me if I was alright. I told him that I was fine...but then I told him that I was kinda cold and he took me to his place and cooked me some breakfast.
I helped him hook up his VCR to his tv and then I passed out on his couch for a few hours. When I woke up, he brought me back downtown and I went to go see if I could get a bus pass from DCS, but they still didn't have it. So, I walked down church street and stopped at a church for lunch. After lunch, I decided to go to the public library to check my facebook and my myspace.
As I was on my way to use the computer this morning and I saw a guy try to break into a car. He got in it and ran all up on the sidewalk and ramed into two trees. The police chased him on foot and almost gunned him down. One of the police who was chasing this man was wearing casual clothes and he ran pass me while holding a gun in one of his hands. The police did get the man. later that night, I went to the Buck Wild Saloon and sung a few songs. Everyone went wild when I sung Kryptonite and Walking in Memphis. A few people even handed me some cash because they knew my situation before I even got up there to sing.
I was at the Buck Wild Saloon and was about to sing a song and then one of the guys that worked there handed me a bag with a shirt and a pair of shoes. I was kinda needing those, and God used him to provide that for me. Then he slips a dollar in my pocket while I was up on the stage singing. Afterwards, I stepped outside and checked my pocket and then realized that he slipped a $20 in my pocket.
I went to a Christmas party with The Bridge Ministry. I got re-baptised in water and gave my life back to Jesus Christ. I met a few other guys who live out under a bridge. One of the guys ended up making enough money for a hotel for about a week, so he invited me and another guy to stay at the hotel with him...so that we wouldn't be on the street on Christmas. But I chose to spent the night with my daughter at her mother's aunt's house on the 24th so that I could be there with them on Christmas.
I had a wonderful Christmas, because I spent it with my daughter. Later that day I decided to sing out on Broadway, right in front of The Legends Corner and attempt to finish writing some of the songs I am currently working on and a few people overheard what I was singing. I ended up recieving about $25 and a $25 Subway card within about 20 minutes from the time I stood out there.
I then decided to go stand on the heat vent out on 4th Avenue for a while because it was getting kinda cold, and someone in a van drove up to those of us who were standing there and gave us a bag of things for Christmas. The contents included hygene items and a pair of clothes. Also a friend I met out there gave me one of his extra jackets. It's a nice leather Jacket.
I sung about 7 songs at the Buck Wild Saloon and drove the crowd wild. It was pretty Awesome I guess. A few peole kept grabbing at me when I stepped off the stage to sing out in the crowd. lol
I was standing out on Broadway and a guy came up to me asking me if I could show him around downtown, because he had just arrive to Tennessee from out of state. He gave me about 2 dollars so that I could catch the bus back to Murfreesboro in order to got the probation office to meet with my probation officer.
After meeting with my probation officer, I asked a guy named Cory for a cigararet and talked with him about the situation with my daughter while waiting for our names to be called by our probation officers. He offered to give me a ride to College Grove Apartments so that I could use the computers and sleep in the computer lab there. On the way, he stopped at Dairy Queen and bought me a burger and some fries. Then he gave me a full pack of cigaretts.
I recieved a myspace message from my daughter's mother telling me she was sorry about everything and that she wanted to get back together and make things right with me. I later found out that she was just BSing with me. We did hangout together at the Buck Wild Saloon for a while on January 2nd. It ended up being so cold outside on January 3rd, 4th, and 7th I was forced by nature to sleep in a port-a-jon in order to keep from freezing outside. It was still cold and I ended up building a fire inside the port-a-jon to keep warm, but burnt a whole in the floor of the port-a-jon.
CHAPTER 8: THE SPIRITUAL VIEWPOINT
Many of us have had struggles and hardships in life. At times we have just wanted to give up and give in to the temptations and desires that we know is wrong, but struggle even harder because we know it is wrong. There have been so many things that have gone completely wrong in my life and it always seemed that no matter what I did or attempted to do, I would always fail.
I would become so consumed in all my failures and become so oblivious to the fact that I could've have done better if I wasn't caught up with everything around me that was having a negative influence on me. Negativity isn't something that can be just overlooked, but should be acknowledged when pursuing anything, because everything and everyone has a purpose. Without light, how can there be dark? Without bad, how can there be good? Without failures, how can there be achievements? Without struggles and hardships, how can we grow in our faith?
God has recently placed His calling back into my heart and this time it is here to stay. I want to be real...as real as it gets. It's going to be a struggle, but I'm going to do my best to get out of poverty with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ. Sometimes God has to break us and tear us down to nothing before he can mold us and shape us into the being He has called us to be...kinda like how a potter molds and shapes clay.
When a potter puts the clay on the wheel...it looks like crap...but then he shapes it and molds it....and even tears it back down in order to fix it the way he wants. The same goes in our walk with Jesus Christ.
Oh but when we go through the fires of life, just as the potter puts the clay in the kilm...we are being tested for our durability to stand within that fire...sometimes we fall apart...but the potter is always willing to begin the process over and over until he gets the masterpiece that he craves so dearly.
The same is with us and God...he will keep letting us go through the fires of life until we come out srong and durable in our walk with him. It took a while for me to learn this, even after being told over and over again, but I realized how much I truely needed God after going through so much in the past year...
If God be for you, who could be against you? For God has been here for me and is still here with me, even when he has to carry me in his loving arms to get me through the obstacles of life. I tell you one thing, if not for God, I would either be dead right now, in jail, or so consumed in drugs that I could have even become the thing in which I hated the most. I thank God for rescuing me from all of that.
If you have read this testimony in its entirety...thank you for sparing some of your time to listen to some of the things God is doing in the lives of His people. Ever since I put my trust back in Him and given Him my all, He has poured back into me way much more than I could possibly hope to contain or pour back out into others.
If you have read My Testimony and you have never ask this Jesus that I speak of to come into your lives and to be your personal lord and Savior....or if you have done so, but maybe you have fallen away from God at some point in your life....I want to give you an opportunity to come to know Him today as your personal Lord and Savior.
When Adam and Eve committed the sin in the Garden Eden, they created a gap between us and God....but when Jesus Christ gave his live for all of us so that we may have life in Him and so that we might be saved through God's grace, a bridge was formed.....in the shape of a cross.
If you would like to ask Jesus to come into your life and to wash away everything you have ever done that you know is bad an unpleasing to God. If you would like for Jesus to come into your life and be your personal Lord and Savior, just pray this simple short prayer with me. And if you truly mean it in your heart, God will wipe your slate clean and you will become a new person in Jesus Christ. Just pray this short prayer with me:
I believe that you lived. I believe that you died. I believe that on the third day you rose again just so that I may be saved. Lord, forgive me for my sins and be my personal Lord and Savior. Amen. "
If you have prayed that prayer and you truly meant what you prayed. God will honor your decision. You don't have to let me know if you have prayed this prayer. The time has come for all of us to realize this truth and accept this truth for what it truly is, but the choice is yours. Are you ready to make the choice that could change your life…forever?
January 12 2009
Once you are there you might as well stop because if you go any further then you are probably too far!
Same if you have found what you are looking for, realize it, and stop looking! You won't find what you are holding anywhere else but in your hand.
You can only go back up once you have hit the bottom.
If you want something take it because it probably won't just magically come to you.
Once you have it hold on to it for dear life, but remember that it might want something else and you can't change that.
So remember you can't make someone love you nor can you make yourself love someone. (don't try...it don't work)
If you stand for something then stand strong and people will notice and eventually stand beside you.
And always remember if something seems completely perfect to you it could be hell for someone else.
oh and before you jump check your parachute pack.
So I hope that if you read the above that you enjoyed it and take what I have to say into consideration.
I need prayer
January 06 2009
I'm scary sick.
And I'm afraid.
I need your prayers,
please pray for my heart, my chest, my head, and my legs.
thank you so much,
January 04 2009
It doesn't matter how much I have practiced with my rifle.
It doesn't matter how I have read and understood the enemy.
It doesn't matter how many times I have ran the drills.
The bottom line is that this conflict is more different than anything that has ever arose.
I am not sure if you understand.
You must let me expain.
I have prepared myself for anything that could come up.
How could I get ready for this kind of conflict?
But now that I look through blury eyes I see things much more clearly.
Although I am not completly ready I will fight till the death for what I believe in.
I might run dry but until I run out of life I will continue.
You don't realize what is going on.
You seem nieve to the ragging war.
And I know that it was hard to understand but Please Forgive Me.
January 02 2009
just feel like writing.
Some people cry for no reason.
Some people smile because they feel like it.
Some people love with all their heart.
Some people hate for fear of love and pain.
Some people run away from their fears.
Some people face their fears.
Some people miss others.
Some people never get close enough to miss someone.
he sees her from a far, he can see her beauty from a distance. He can see her laugh and remembers how he used to love hearing her laugh. He looks away in fear she will catch him watching and wishing to have her back. But he cant help himself for he finds himself watching her goof off with her friends.
she looks up and locks eyes with him. (all the while laughing) her laughter stopped but niether of them looked away. His thoughts along the lines of how badly he messed up with letting her go. and her thoughts along the lines of how much it hurt when he pushed her away but how much she misses him still.
he looks away and she realiZes who he was talking to..a bunch of little girls. her heart sank, because for a moment she thought maybe just maybe he still liked her. what she didn't know was he was deeply in love with her but he was to scared to hurt her perfectly amaZing heart again. he didn't trust himself to keep her safe so he stayed away in hopes to keep her safe.
random, i'm just really bored.
Richard Fleeshman. (amazing.)
December 31 2008
December 30 2008
December 17 2008
I don't usually blog, but there's a lot on my mind. My dad's in the hospital recovering with viral meningitis, my dog may die, and there's various problems everywhere. I need slack on my stress-rope.
Anyone remember this?
December 15 2008
December 15 2008
And I'm glad people stayed in touch with me and made me feel good.
I have a truly wonderful life.
I'm trying to find happiness in myself instead of the people around me.
Figuring out that I shouldn't rely on others for my happiness.
And figuring out how different I am than I was almost a year ago.
My have I grown up and realized I have who I need.
December 12 2008
Ok so i am in a very awesome relationship right now and so far everything is good. I like this guy alot and i never EVER thought that we would be going out, i met him a couple years ago and it wasnt one of those movie moments where you meet somebody and then you fall stait into love i had thought nothing more of this guy than a friend. we whent to school together until i whent to high school this year, i hadnt talked to him in 5 months an one night out of nowhere i got the earge to just call him and catch up on things. So i called him and everything that i had thought of him had totally comepletely changed, we talked for hours that night and i started liking him so much that i even broke up with the guy that i was dating just to go out with him i know it sounds bad but its not as bad as it seems, the guy i was going out with then wasnt really my type and i had started to realize that we shouldnt be going out, then on top of that i had fell for this guy, and that gave me the idea that i should breake up with the guy i was going out with, and i am GLAD that i did cuz if i hadnt i probably would not be going out with a guy that i really love and a guy that i know loves me for who i am! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 11 2008
hey people. whats up? hows life?
Nothing much here..well there is alot but i know you people dont care so i'm not gonna write it all down. no point.
well i'm just gonna talk about today
...today was long and now it is time for me to sleep. but at the moment i'm just chilling, messing around on myspace, talking to steele, thinking about not wanting to wake up in the morning,i'm super freakin excited about the memphis trip!!!! we leave tomorrow afternoon! HECK YES!..and thats about it. yeah i know tonight is a real party for me. well hope you guys are doing well.
you won't get it
December 11 2008
You will never get it.
No you can’t understand.
Not by any conversation, or touch of a hand.
I hurt, but I’m okay.
No words can describe what I have to say.
It can not wait, I can not take this…
The sad thing is you’ll never get it.
I can't really love her.
December 11 2008
Is it possible that I will ever be able to love her completely?
I love her, but so many times I feel this inner twined hatred within me when she is around. I just feel like I can’t fully love her because of who she is. And that is my problem. I can’t stand that I can’t really love her.
Yesterday was act 1 since she’s been home. All out screaming, and fighting! Tears fill my eyes. I hate it. I can’t take it. My mother gets so upset, and she shouldn’t be crying and stressed like this. It hurts me to see that. She hurts people, she ruins friendships, she is a liar, but She is my sister.
But honestly, this is my problem…. I can’t love her like I should. I have tried so many times. What’s wrong with me?
A great quote and I just had to share it.
December 09 2008
Well a lot of times I say I would love to die for my country and well that is true I find no higher honor one of my favorite generals made me think. General Gourges S. Patton said this,"I want you to remember that no one ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
I have not changed what I think of being the most honorerable thing to die for but I know how something to think about a little more.
A great quote and I just had to share it.
December 09 2008
Stockholm i mitt hjärta
December 07 2008
It's been a while, I've lived in Sweden now for a year and a half.
I'm homesick. :'(
Where are you?
December 06 2008
I am part of a dying breed.
One that believes that our flag is not just a flag,
it is a symbol and one to be respected.
One that believes that everyone is called to serve their country,
in one way or another.
One that still respects the wisdom,
of the ones who have been there before them.
One that wants to look down on his grandchildren saying,
"my grandfather died for this country."
One that believes that untimate sacriface,
is their life.
One that knows what hard work is,
because that is all they have ever done.
One that knows of God's love,
because it is what has saved them.
One that realizes,
that there is a time for war.
One that realizes there is a time for,
One that knows,
what is worth fighting for.
One that knows it is you.
December 05 2008
I finally made my decision.
Just some lyrics.
December 04 2008
Ok so I was listening to a Fall Out Boy song (yes I know we will deal with issue later). But the lyrics got me to thinking, well part of the lyrics.
"Loaded gun complex cock it and pull it."
Nah I won't post anything long just some lyrics to think about.
November 29 2008
I'm bored and feeling like writing. I also feel like being heard.
Why do we help those that hurt us the most? Why do we lose ourselves in trying to help others find themself? Why do we have many many sleepless nights helping and praying for others when they dont do one small thing as say hey to you? Why do we love those who dont love us back?
Its because we know who they are. Its because we want the best for them even if they dont want it for us. Its because we see the light in their eyes even if they have yet to see it. Its because we know one day when their world comes crashing down they know they can come to us for help.
And that is why the way we are is the way we are.
November 28 2008
November 28 2008
so. there's something i needda say
November 23 2008
i'm pretty sure most of you all know, and i really feel like it's time to announce it to you all publicly.the way i say it may be kinda strange...
so his name is Dominic Joseph Ruffino.he is a musician, very talented. Junior class president, so smart.Sweet, funny, warm.
I lub him.
He makes me laugh. he makes me smile. We are crazy together, just being by his side :) is wonderful.
and well. its been 3 months with him. since friday. and i gotta say i've never been so content.
November 22 2008
since kids who stutter can't get jobs
November 19 2008
i'm stuck in this rut.
messed up my job interview because i kept stuttering.
it's pretty horrible.
i'm extremely afraid for my future
November 18 2008
November 18 2008
But I need something, before I break down again. I’m in school so no long trips to Gatlinburg, but maybe to Cumberland camp, or a friend w. no siblings house.I don’t think I’ll be okay it if something doesn’t happen. If I can get coach P.’s permission I’m about to get some running shorts, and go run in the gym during school. I really need it.
Have you ever felt like this? I think it’s overload of some sort. I’m not to overworked, i mean school is stressful, yearbook has taken a lot out of me, school play friday & saturday, and theres 2 christmas songs i have a month to choreograph and perfect. but its not that bad really...but then if I wasn’t why am I in such need, of a vacation, or a revolution?
Anybody have any suggestions? Bubble baths don’t do too much for me, music has done a lot for me with learning 3 instruments its been relaxing and I am planning on having an ice cream date tomorrow after school, that is , if my parents say yes to it. But I need a change in atmosphere, setting or a revolution of some sort.
do you do this on purpose?
November 15 2008
u know, i was just a few steps away from being out of the water. exhausted, and starved, i moved toward the shore. i was almost safe.
but then u came up and pulled me back down and out in your rip tide. i never saw it coming, and i didnt have a chance. i couldnt swim out, one look and i was sucked under
which way is up?
when i was finally out of your under toe, i found myself floating in the middle of the sea, confused and alone.
an occasional airplane passed overhead, proving that civilization was still somewhere around me. but no real answers, and no help.
well, im tired of treading water, waiting for help, waiting for you to push me back above water and keep my head up.
im swiming. i dont know exactly where yet, couldnt tell you where the shore might be, but im swimming. ill get out by myself.
and you will will catch me again when i am finally only waist deep.
U.S. and Islamic Banking
November 13 2008
U.S. Interest in Shariah Finance Opens Dangerous Doors, Critics Say
Thursday, November 13, 2008
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Shariah-compliant banking, sometimes called Islamic banking, is growing in popularity in the Western and Islamic worlds. But critics say American interest in the system at a time of economic crisis is opening the door to increased Islamic influence in the American banking system. Worse yet, some fear the banks may be helping to finance international terrorism.
In Shariah-compliant banking, lenders may not charge interest and investors cannot make money from forbidden industries like gambling, alcohol, pork and pornography. Selling debt, devising derivatives and short selling are also prohibited, and investments must be closely tied to actual assets.
In the U.S., the Dow Jones Islamic Index tracks Shariah-compliant companies and funds, and funds have sprung up like the Amana Mutual Funds Trust and the Azzad Asset Management.
American investment funds, like those offered by TD Ameritrade and Charles Schwab, can invest in Shariah-compliant companies, and those companies can offer investments in American companies. Top holdings in the Azzad Ethical Midcap Fund, for example, include Western Digital Corp., Southwest Electric Co. and Apple Computer, Inc.
But allowing Shariah-compliant finance in the U.S. is green-lighting a seditious system that supports jihad, said Frank Gaffney, founder and president of the Center for Security Policy in Washington, D.C./**/
"If you understand what Shariah is, you understand that it is a pretty awful system. Not something that you'd want insinuated in your society and becoming a major feature of your economic system," Gaffney said.
"Shariah (Islamic law as dictated by the Koran) governs all aspects of life, from the personal practice of the faith to how you relate to your family to how you relate to your business partners, to your community ... all the way up to how the world is run, and it is all one seamless program. You can't say 'I'll take the personal pietistic practice ... and skip the beheading and the flogging and the stoning and the global theocracy,'" he said.
Punishments for some crimes under Shariah law include amputation and stoning to death. On Tuesday it was revealed that a 53-year-old Egyptian doctor had been sentenced under Shariah law in Saudi Arabia to 15 years in prison and 1,500 lashes for allegedly getting a Saudi princess in his care addicted to drugs.
But despite Islamic banking's association with Shariah's harsh practices, the U.S. government is taking an interest in it.
On Oct. 25, while on an official visit to Saudi Arabia, Deputy Secretary of the Treasury Robert M. Kimmitt told reporters that the U.S. was interested in learning more about Islamic finance, and the Treasury Department held an "Islamic Finance 101" course in Washington on Nov. 6 to educate government officials on its ins and outs.
Islamic banking and investment products sprang up beginning in the 1970s when the Middle East experienced its first oil boom, and have been growing in popularity as oil prices soared in the past few years.
Yet it's unclear who is investing in Shariah-compliant mutual funds and other investments, Gaffney said. "An awful lot of them seem to be petrodollar-rich potentates and companies and royal families."
Nicholas Kaiser, fund manager at Amana Mutual Funds Trust in Bellingham, Wash., said that his company's Shariah-compliant mutual fund products are no different from any other religious funds and that the company carefully screens its investors.
"Our shareholders are American. We don't take money from non-Americans because of money-laundering laws. We have to know our shareholders and be sure they aren't engaged in nefarious activities. We screen and check and verify every shareholder," Kaiser said.
He disagrees with Gaffney's assertion that Islamic funds are a threat to the American way of life.
"We simply take people's money, invest it and give it back to them when they want it. We don't try and convert the country. We don't have any religious position. We aren't evangelical. We aren't zealots. We're money managers," Kaiser said. "I happen to be Episcopalian."
Azzad Asset Management declined to be interviewed for this story.
Estimates put the Islamic banking industry in the hundreds of billions of dollars. And while it's a small portion of the global finance industry, the Islamic sector is growing — by more than 30 percent in 2007.
A board of Shariah scholars determines which investments are compliant.
As Shariah law forbids charging interest, Shariah-compliant mortgages, like those offered by Devon Bank in Chicago and Guidance Residential, which operates in 23 states, are attracting pious Muslim buyers.
In one type of Shariah-compliant mortgage the bank buys a home and then either leases or re-sells it to the purchaser in monthly installments — interest-free, but at a higher price.
The bank's profit and the buyer's payments wind up being similiar to what they would be if the bank charged interest, said Ibrahim Warde, adjunct professor of international business at Tufts University.
"In the Koran there's a verse saying that making money from trade is good and making money from money lending is not, so basically whenever transactions are structured, they are sales transactions," he said.
Rachel Ehrenfeld, director of the American Center for Democracy, said that whether they're sound investments or not, conforming to Shariah shouldn't be American policy.
"We should not allow Islamic banking to continue and definitely not to flourish in this country," Ehrenfeld said.
"Muslims in the United States who want to conduct their business according to Islamic banks can do it with mortgages ... but to allow Islamic banking as a rule to operate — it's our money and we shouldn't be abiding by Islamic laws. Period. I don’t want to have any kind of association with any laws that dictate wife-beating in Saudi Arabia," she said.
Ehrenfeld said that the practice of "zakat" — giving alms to the poor — while innocent on the surface can in fact be used to promote terrorism and the spread of radical Islam.
She said that that the money the Shariah banks give to charities goes to build madrassas and mosques and spread radical Islam and anti-American sentiment.
"They also send money to Hamas. They also send money to Al Qaeda," she said. "This is a huge Pandora's box. We don't know what the hell is going on with their charities ... even if nobody will say openly that they're giving money to terrorism."
In June, the Kuwait-based charity Revivial of Islamic Heritage Society was designated by the U.S. Treasury for providing money and material support to Al Qaeda, its affilitates and to acts of terrorism.
"It is illegal for anyone in the United States to provide funds to charities that have been designated by the Treasury Department as supporters of terrorism under Executive Order 13224. If the Treasury Department has information that anyone in the United States were engaged in such activity, we would take appropriate action," said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza.
Warde, however, said that there is no reason to think that all Islamic financial institutions have terrorist ties.
"There are some people who equate all things Islamic to terrorism," he said. "Some people look at the world that way. We've seen that during the presidential campaign with the insinuations that Obama was a Muslim, therefore a terrorist. I don't think we should give much credence to that."
He said critics are not being fair to the system.
"People who don't like Islam and who are afraid of Islam would obviously not like the notion of Islamic finance. I'm not sure that those who hold this view necessarily know much about it, but it's some kind of visceral view that some people hold," Warde said.show_baynote_guide("ArticleGuide");
November 11 2008
This song really means a lot to me. & i just thought i'd post it because its been on my mind lately.
While i'm waiting..
Ok no more
November 11 2008
I know what i want in life.
I know who I won't as my savior.
I know who I need.
I need no one.
I can make it with out everyone but Jesus.
Tell me I'm confused!
I dare you....
Am I angry?
I'm sick of people running their mouth.
If you have something to say about me...
SAY IT TO ME!
having a moment..
November 09 2008
ive decided my baby names if i ever do have babies...
so what about ...
Gideon-its meaning is "fellow of trees;powerful warrior.
no middle name but i like gideon christopher.
Adalie- meaning " God is my refuge:noble one."
the second name of my mothers first Diane
Yea. i definently never thought that it would come to this.
November 07 2008
(though i love trident tropical twist and will always)...
i am getting a strong liking for spearmint. :)(:
My Combabilation (you)
November 07 2008
I can talk to you on the phone but I can't hold your hand.
I can hear your voice but I can't see your face.
You say that we are so far away I whisper not for long.
You give a pitty laugh to my horrible jokes.
I give my dedication to you. The definition?
You-my inspiration, my reason for my wrong moves, my confused mind. My seperation of genius and insane.
They say that the differance between those two is measured in success.
I want to see.
Am I crazy or do I for once know excatly what I am doing?
As it seems appropriate.
November 06 2008
my final thought thought
November 06 2008
not really my final thought but it sure feels like it.
I've felt like I still have my "God Shaped Hole" in my heart.
and I've tried to fill it...
you know like those little kid toys that you have to match the object with the shape and put it in the right shaped hole.
I feel like I've been trying to place all the wrong things in it. And I feel like I don't know where I'm going.
I know what I want I just don't know how to get there,
I know where I wanna be but I'm lost in my own direction.
I don't know who I am.
It's like I'm lost but I'm not?
I plan on getting right with God, but I'm learning how.
I feel like I've been doing what I should do, but there's something missing.
Like what's my motivation?
And now I'm realizing it's the
-my one and only father
-the mother I miss out on
-the arms that are open
Expert Warns Obama To Avoid Islamic Finance
November 06 2008
on a light note...
November 04 2008
November 04 2008
November 04 2008
Ok, i am really confused, guys are so so so....... they are so difficult ok incase you dont understand, there is this guy and i really like him and he said he liked me and then the next day hes got a girlfriend and its not me the next day they arent going out we start talking again and just when i think hes gonna ask me out i loose interest just like that, i have no clue why this happened it just did so im trying to put everything together and figure out if im the one not making any sense here or if its him. So can you read this and help me out here!
where i find little compassion
November 04 2008
i find it funny that
the most open minded people, are the most closed minded,
the ones that are against judging so much, judge & stereotype everybody,
the man who claims to be unbiased, is reflecting on the person a little more than the information.
& i find it all too sad, because they cant even see it.
" God have mercy on them."